Monday, January 31, 2011

Ken And Barbie--Hope They Get Back Together!

Celebrity couples breaking up is hardly news, but this dog was saddened back in 2004 when Barbie and Ken broke up. They had been dating for 43 years so you would think that they would stay together after investing all that time in each other. Mommy happens to be fond of Barbie. I agree with her. Both of us couldn't believe that her "rival" the Bratz doll, would even leave the store shelves. Mommy said the doll was ugly, and I have to agree with her. Anyway, at least we know that Ken didn't leave Barbie to go after one of those dolls. Then a couple of days ago, I read some good news. Ken plans to win Barbie back by Valentine's Day. I hope he can do so because it would be good to see Ken and Barbie back together again. It will probably be hard for Ken though because, from my observation, Barbie is used to being spoiled so it might take a lot to win her back. Good luck, Ken. If you need some advice, I'm available, and I happen to be very popular with the girl dogs.
In other news, Henry Cavill has been chosen to play Superman in the reboot of the movie. This dog was okay with Routh playing the part again, but I think Cavill will do a good job. There is only one problem I have with Superman. You know when they say, It's a bird, it's a plane.....I don't care for the bird part. If Superman were a bird, Lex Luthor wouldn't be the only one exposing him to kryptonite. Demon Flash Bandit would be sending Superman the gift of kryptonite too. The last thing we need on Earth is an alien bird!
Demon Flash Bandit (Offering Advice to Ken)

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Don't Let Mummies Get any Sweet Potatoes!

I am sorry to read about all the problems in Cairo. Since 2 mummies are missing their heads, I have to assume that there is yet another uprising of mummies in Egypt. Since I haven't heard both sides of the story, I'm not sure if the mummies are seeking revenge for the lost heads or if the people had to decapitate them because they were causing so much trouble. Either way it is sad that mummies are still causing problems after so many centuries. You would think they would realize by now that they aren't alive. On the other paw, I guess they might be mad that they are dead. Waking up and finding out that you are dead would tend to make a person angry! I am guessing that finding the cost of bandages have risen so much in recent centuries is not going to make them any happier.

Meanwhile in Wisconsin, the mystery behind 200 dead cows has been solved. The culprit was sweet potatoes. I have heard of killer tomatoes, but killer sweet potatoes is a new one for me. The next time you see a sweet potato, I suggest you show it the proper respect so it doesn't grab a gun and shoot you. At least the cow deaths weren't caused by mummies because they are busy running amok in the streets of Egypt. Let's just hope the mummies don't get their paws on some sweet potatoes!

Demon Flash Bandit (Avoiding Sweet Potatoes)

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Clones, Zombies, and Cats in Politics

I'm wondering why the humans act like cloning is something new and untried. It has been done for centuries. I noticed this when I was looking at some little statuettes that my brother has of the Presidents. I think it might be a little out of date since the last President is Richard Nixon. However, as I was studying it, I noticed that Presidents have already been cloned in the past. There was John Adams, and John Quincy Adams--the Quincy being added to signify he was the clone. He also liked the television show, Quincy, about the medical examiner. John Adams never missed that program. There were also the Roosevelt clones-Theodore and Franklin. Of course, everyone is familiar with the more recent clones--George H. W. Bush and George W. Bush. It is nice to know that the United States has always tried to keep pace with the latest scientific discoveries.

I noticed a couple of other things that didn't involve cloning, but are well worth mentioning. I suspect that Richard Nixon must have been a zombie. Have you seen videos of him? The man didn't move much so I have to assume that is because of his being a zombie. His successor, Gerald Ford, was probably a space alien because he was always falling down, and I can only conclude that was because the atmosphere of Earth made it hard for him to adjust.

The worst insult to the American people is Garfield being President. Whose idea was it to allow a cat to be President? I can understand a dog being President, but a CAT? What were the humans thinking? I also wonder, with a cat as President, why was there never a war on birds declared? Was he too busy annoying Odie, the First Dog?

Many of the past Presidents have excelled in other areas too. Abraham Lincoln wasn't just a President, but he also invented a car that bears his name. Zachary Taylor was busy running a company in the garment district so he was also a man who wasn't just satisfied to run the country. Franklin Pierce was an expert swordsman. How do you think he earned the name, Pierce? Chester E. Arthur was a writer. Grover Cleveland owned a city in Ohio. Gerald Ford was also an inventor--he invented a car also.

The only thing I want to know is why hasn't there been a dog as President? I think we would do a much better job, and even if we don't, we would look cute making speeches.

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Presidential Politics)

Friday, January 28, 2011

Related News Stories

As I was reading the news today, I ran across two items that are related, but I bet the humans, who lack my intelligence, won't see it until I point it out. This is why I'm writing about it on my blog.

First story:
Rush Limbaugh decided to do an impression of the Chinese President, Hu Jintao. Rush doesn't know how to speak Chinese, but that doesn't stop Rush. I think the media is being a bit hard on him because, I'm actually surprised that Rush didn't do something even worse. If he was a stand up comic, I wouldn't think as much about it, but political commentators should try to act a little more diplomatic. At least that is what this dog thinks.

Second story:
Clay Butler, in California is launching some new marijuana soft drinks. The drinks are called, Doc Weed, Sour Diesel, Grape Ape, Orange Kush, and Canna Cola. This dog isn't planning on trying any of them, but I'm sure there are lots of humans who can't wait to sample them.

Relationship Between the News Items:
This dog thinks that Rush Limbaugh has been sampling the marijuana soft drinks, and this would explain the first story. I have proof of this accusation. I have a receipt from Acme, who is carrying the beverages which was given to me by Wile E. Coyote. I might add that it was hard for him to give it to me because that stupid Roadrunner kept causing him problems.

Demon Flash Bandit (The Truth Behind the News)

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Big Lottery Winner!

I recently enjoyed a tasty fortune cookie in which the fortune read that I would soon be getting some money. I have written in the past about the amazing accurancy of fortune cookies, but even I was astounded at the accuracy of the fortune. It hasn't even been a month, and this dog is now a super rich lottery winner. After receiving that good fortune, I decided to walk into a store and purchase a lottery ticket. I know this would be hard for many dogs because dogs aren't allowed in most stores. However, I walked in and no one noticed that I am a dog because of my gorgeous blue eyes. Since most dogs don't have blue eyes, it makes it easy to trick the humans. I thought perhaps the lady at the counter would give me trouble because I'm officially not old enough to buy a ticket, but since I am an adult dog, I guess I looked old enough that she did not ask for any identification. I handed her $1.00 for a ticket, and it was a winner. Yes, folks, it was a $2.00 winner. Now I have officially doubled my money, and instead of only $1.00, I have $2.00. I'm so glad I heeded the fortune cookie and bought that ticket. Even fortune cookies can't buy the lottery tickets for you. Sometimes you have to take matters into your own paws, and take a risk. I'm sure some of you may be wondering--will I still write the blog now that I am a super rich lottery winner? The answer is yes. I still plan to write the blog. Of course, I will be discussing with the tax attorney I plan to hire the possibility of using it as a tax deduction. When you win the big bucks, it is best to hire a professional to handle the money for you. I am also considering investing some money in the Arctic Paws Company because they make the Yummy Chummie dog treats, and they are delicious. Maybe I'll just invest in the treats and eat them. You can't go wrong with an investment in food.

Demon Flash Bandit (Big Lottery Winner)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Best Picture Next Year: Bird Apocalypse Now!

The Oscar nominees have been announced, and the movies that are up for best picture for 2010 are:
1. The Fighter (Excellent Movie)
2. Inception (Excellent Movie)
3. The Social Network, (Excellent Movie)
4. Toy Story 3 (Excellent Movie)
5. True Grit (Excellent Movie)
6. 127 Hours (Not seen, and didn't want to see)
7. Black Swan (Not seen, didn't look interesting)
8. The King's Speech (Didn't see, but looks like it might be good)
9. Winter's Bone (Didn't see, and didn't want to see)
10 The Kid are Alright (Saw it--Not a Particularly Good Movie)

I know everyone has their own opinions, but these are mine. Actually, I don't really have a lot of respect for the Oscars because, in the past, some of the movies that win, I have considered to be mediocre. The fact that Marmaduke and Yogi Bear are not in the running for best picture for 2010 is ridiculous. I liked both of those movies more than Toy Story 3, and I liked Toy Story 3.

In entertainment news, Conan O'Brien's production company has done a pilot for a new television show called, Vince Uncensored. CBS has picked it up so I'm guessing it will be airing before too long.

The best news I read today is that the USDA has poisoned hundreds of birds (starlings) in South Dakota. I am hoping that this is finally an official declaration of war on birds. Maybe the humans are finally listening to a dog!

Demon Flash Bandit (Commenting on Various News Stories)

Monday, January 24, 2011

My Opinion of Taxes

There have been numerous articles about income tax on the Internet news, and I have decided to bark about the subject today. I want to go on record stating that I have no idea why the United States government doesn't allow a dog to be a deduction on the humans taxes as long as the humans can prove they spent the money on their dog. There are legitimate deductions for dogs (for example, some dogs who provide "certain services"). Since I'm not an expert on that subject, I would suggest that the human who wants to get that deduction check and make sure that it is legitimate for their situation. Most of us dogs don't worry about income tax since our humans take care of us, and they are going to feed us and watch out for us no matter whether we are deductible or not. However, it has come to my attention that the system is not fair for working dogs like myself. I write a blog everyday, and I make no money from the blog. However, I do not qualify for an earned income credit which is available to the working humans who don't make enough money on their jobs to pay taxes. Since I'm not deductible on my humans taxes, isn't it only fair that I should be getting something for my work? I discussed this with Mommy who didn't seem to think it was unfair at all, but I disagree. She is looking at it from the human standpoint, and I think she is being prejudiced. Sure, she pays for my stuff, but this dog would like to have his own money. There are times when the humans get cheap and don't buy a dog everything he would like to have. Unlike the humans, if I made a gazillion dollars, I would not mind paying taxes. We dogs know that there is only so much money one can spend in a lifetime. I am seriously considering another run for the Presidency so that I can right this injustice to dogs. I might add that I have no idea how Mr. Obama feels about this matter, but Bo is in complete agreement with me. I've found that the First Dog is a very intelligent dog, and I'm glad he is one of my pals.

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Taxes)

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Royal Wedding Zombie TShirts

With the royal wedding happening in the spring, I thought my readers would like to read a copy of the letter I just mailed to my friend, The Queen Lady, Elizabeth II.

Dear Queen Lady,

I know you are super busy planning the royal wedding for your grandson, but I was just wondering what you think of the tshirts that depict the couple as zombies. I can understand if you approved them because zombies seem to be quite popular, and it would help increase your household budget. It just didn't seem like something of which you would approve. I also wanted to suggest that, given the popularity of the movie Twilight, you might suggest vampire tshirts and/or werewolf tshirts. You have to act while the wedding is big news. When it is over, it will be hard to sell these items. I think the Lego HappyLand Royal Wedding set is a good idea. If you want the money from the small children, you have to go with toys because they don't tend to care much about clothing. I do think that you should consider marketing a video game of the wedding. I could see several versions that would be big sellers. For girls, you can let them plan a "dream" wedding even down to designing their own gown. For the boys, you can have something more unusual (like zombies taking over the wedding).

I do hope that you have approved of all of these items because I know how it is being famous. Many times I have found Demon Flash Bandit items on sale that did not get my approval. I usually solve the problem by sending in Angel Zoom Smokey to give out some puppy slaps of justice. She said to tell you that if you need her, she is available.

I do hope the wedding goes well, and that you are able to keep any stupid merchandise from being sold.

Your pal, Demon Flash Bandit

I'm sure my readers will be rushing to order their own zombie tshirts.

Demon Flash Bandit (Zombie Tshirts are Cool)

Saturday, January 22, 2011

My Comments on Various Topics

In Crystal Lake, Illinois, a 4 pound chihuahua was almost taken by an owl when out for a walk with the dog's human. How many times do I have to warn the humans of bird treachery before they listen? Now there is talk of making the Angry Birds game into a television show. The world does not need a television show about birds unless it is bird recipes.

Speaking of television shows, I'm not a fan of reality shows, and neither are my humans, but I am really wondering why they have one called the Real Housewives of OC. I'm sure these women can't help having obsessive compulsive disorder, but I hardly think it is worthy of filming a television show about them. Do the humans really enjoy watching other humans clean excessively. I bet their dogs are miserable. Dogs enjoy dirt, and most obsessive compulsive humans do not--unless you get one that is compulsively messy. In that case, the dog is in doggy heaven.

Am I the only dog who thinks that Cesar Milan should be called the Dog Shouter instead of the Dog Whisperer? I know if he came to my house to try to train me, he had better start yelling because if he is only whispering, this dog isn't listening. If a dog can't hear the "instructions", he can't be expected to follow them. I would have him on a technicality.

It is nap time and nap time is always super important to me. Come back tomorrow for more of my words of wisdom.

Demon Flash Bandit (Commenting on Topics)

Friday, January 21, 2011

Walmart's War

Walmart has announced that they plan to sell healthier foods in their stores. Does this mean that they have been carrying unhealthy foods up until now? Personally, I think this is part of their strategy of winning the war on Amazon. If you want to win a war, it is always a good idea to have soldiers who are in top condition. Since many of their employees shop at their stores, they can make sure they are in prime fighting shape. Perhaps they can add some drugs to the food to make sure that their customers don't buy from Amazon. I have to admit that at Christmas, my humans bought most of their stuff from Amazon. It was easier to shop from home, Amazon had a better selection and their prices were good. The best part was that they didn't have to fight Walmart's hordes of shoppers. This dog prefers that there be more than one store at which to shop, but Walmart does not share my opinion. Considering that they never want to hire enough employees, and shopping at our local one is no longer fun, I suspect that Amazon will win the war, and other stores will win also. In fact, my humans prefer Meijer, which is not nationwide, but it is better than Walmart here in Michigan.

Demon Flash Bandit (Better Be Careful Before you Declare War)

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Green Hornet and Doga (Dog Yoga)

My humans had the nerve to leave Angel Zoom Smokey and me yesterday with my brother William while they went to see a movie, The Green Hornet. That is why I am writing in green today. Evidently the humans think we dogs are color blind, but how do they know? It isn't like a human has ever asked me any color questions. Anyway, Mommy said the movie was good--not great, but good so I suppose that means it wasn't a waste of money. I do think it was a waste of time that could have been spent with me.

I have discovered through the Internet that some of the human puppies (babies) are doing yoga. I suppose this is a good thing. I'm not exactly sure since I haven't met many dogs who know what yoga happens to be. However, yogurt tastes good so I'm going to assume that it is some kind of snack. Hold the presses!!! I just looked it up on the Internet and it isn't food at all. Worse yet, the humans have invented doga, which is yoga for dogs. If it isn't edible, then what is the point? In fact, it sounds like something that will just interfere with another of a dog's precious activities--napping. Just because the humans can't stand to relax and enjoy life and nap more does not mean they need to drag their dogs into their hysteria. My advice to the humans: leave your dog alone and let him nap. Only interrupt his naps to give him tasty treats. I hope the humans reading this will act accordingly. The humans never seem to learn anything easily--which is why training the humans is so much work for a dog.

Demon Flash Bandit (Not a Fan of Doga)

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Mr. Peabody: Watch out for the Zombie!!!!

Robert Downey Jr. has finally been cast in the role of a lifetime. He is going to be Mr. Peabody in the animated movie, Mr. Peabody and Sherman. Mr. Peabody used to make appearances on Rocky and Bullwinkle. Mr. Peabody is a super intelligent dog, and Sherman is the boy he "adopted". I'm sure that Robert Downey Jr. is ecstatically happy that he has been chosen to play the role of a dog. That is what all the human actors aspire to play--a dog.

On the subject of a super intelligent dog, my humans have been watching the new television series, The Walking Dead. It is a show about zombies. Because I've been watching it with them, I had to face the scenario of what would happen to me if zombies started running around loose like they do in that show. I even looked to find possible survival scenarios on the web just so I would be prepared. Some of them were helpful--like the one that said head for Costco which makes sense. You would have survival supplies for quite some time if you were hiding in a Costco. However, it took me very little time before I realized that, once again, the humans are wrong. I will explain how I reached this conclusion. First and most important: the zombies want to eat brains. I've observed the humans long enough to tell you that the zombies are going to starve if they are trying to live off human brains. If the humans don't own a dog, they barely have sense enough to come in out of the rain--why do you think they take baths? There aren't many dogs who voluntarily take a bath. That is because we have brains! You don't see a dog wasting time and money adding a room to a house just for getting wet. Even most cats have more sense than to want a bath! Birds are another story--the humans even have bird baths for them, which proves that birds have no brains. But I digest or digress---where is my Burger King--I prefer to digest. You know Hollywood has gotten the whole zombie thing wrong in movies and television. If a zombie is after brains, then the humans are safe. Dogs are the ones who have to worry since zombies will be after us for our superior brain power. This is why it is so important for all dogs to know what to expect and to have a plan because in real life, the zombies will be after us. Mr. Peabody had better take Sherman and head for Costco....he is a super smart dog, and will be a very attractive meal for a zombie.

Demon Flash Bandit (Warning of Dangers of Zombie Attack)

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Dogs Have a Rough Job Training the Humans

I have to admit that I pick and choose the news stories I write about. Much of the news is quite depressing, and I try to choose the funnier ones to write about. However, today, I am going to discuss an incident that has been in the news. Because of its sad consequences, I tried to avoid it. However, when the humans get so out of paw with it and they start pointing paws at each other, it is time for a dog to say something about it. That incident was the shooting in Tucson, Arizona, in which 6 people were killed and a representative was injured. My heart goes out the the human puppy who was killed--and of course, all the others. There are no words that can make things any better for the people who are involved in it. If you ask us dogs, the worst part is that the humans just continue to accept that this is the way things are and should be. I also think it is appalling that we have political leaders, and yes I am referring to the Sarah Palins of the world, that think it is a good idea to even suggest possible violence. If you can't state a political ideology without resorting to that kind of suggestion, then it is time that the rest of the humans quit listening, but sadly, some of them never will. I hope someday the humans will learn to live in peace with each other, but I suspect it will never happen. Some humans just don't seem to be capable of that kind of civilized behavior. Perhaps some day we will have leaders all over the globe who will understand the concept and there will be peace.

The saddest part of this is that shootings like this happen everyday in every part of the world, and most of the time, you won't even hear anything about them. When it happens so much that so many of them don't even make the news, that is just sad! I would suggest dogs start trying to train the humans earlier. I've said it many times, the humans are hard to train.

Demon Flash Bandit (Commenting on a News Story)

Monday, January 17, 2011

Under Which Zodiac Sign Was Sonny With Hair Born?

Professor Parke Kunkle of the Minnesota Planetarium Society, claims the Earth has changed over the years and those changes have resulted in the necessity of a new zodiac sign, Ophiuchus. This change would mean that I would no longer be a Scorpio, but instead, I would be a Libra. It isn't that I mind being a Libra, but I think I will stick with fortune cookies for predicting my future. They are accurate, and they are also tasty to eat after you are done reading your fortune.

Speaking of reading, Sonny, the dog who can read, could be a reincarnation of Sonny Bono. According to the Weekly World News, one of the few newspapers a dog can trust, this is the case. Lucky for Sonny, he got the same name so he doesn't have to get used to a new one. I'm wondering if he can also write songs. Several of the networks are vying to get him to star in a new television show, Sonny With Hair. It is about time a dog is the star of a show because it would make an excellent show. I'm hoping that one of the networks can get Sonny to sign on for it. The only thing that bothers me is that Sonny thinks he is a person--not a dog. I think he needs some help with self esteem. We dogs are so much better than the humans.

Demon Flash Bandit (Proud to be a Dog)

Sunday, January 16, 2011

I Had a Napmare About Legends of the Guardians

I usually write my blog earlier in the day, but as the humans say: better late than clever. I know it doesn't make any sense, but how often do the humans make sense? I think they say that because they aren't clever. If they were, they would have never made the movie I wrote about yesterday, Legends of the Guardians. I was having napmares about that movie today. Isn't it bad enough that birds are evil and steal my snow and drop bird bombs on everyone? In the movie, some of them were wearing armor and having sword fights. Do birds really need swords, and who makes them small enough for birds? When a stupid bird swoops down from the sky and stabs a human in the face, maybe then the humans will listen to my warnings. I might add that Legends of the Guardians is no Lord of the Rings no matter how much they use the sword fighting.

For those of you who read the celebrity gossip, don't pay any attention to the story about Ryan Reynolds dating Sandra Bullock. That was made up to sell tabloids. The real story is that Sandra Bullock is dating Keanu Reeves. This comes from a very reliable source. Yes, I dreamed it when I was napping. You can't get any more reliable than that. A dream is right up there with fortune cookies. Speaking of fortune cookies, I would like to eat one now. Those are tasty cookies. I think they are even better than milkbones. I have a box of milkbone in my paws now, and I think it is time for another nap. Did you know that a milkbone box makes a great pillow?

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Movies and Celebrity Gossip)

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Legends of the Guardians: Movie Review

Clearly my human has lost her mind-not that it is much of a loss. Yesterday my human rented a movie called Legends of the Guardians. The title sounds okay, but I watched the movie with her, and it is about BIRDS!!!!! My personal enemies and the feathered pests that are trying to take over the world--in a movie which my human was watching. At least it did show how evil the birds are, and that was good. Perhaps the humans will begin to listen to my warnings. It did show some good birds so maybe I've been dealing with the evil ones for so long that I haven't noticed the good ones. However, there aren't a lot of good ones and most are evil so don't be fooled into thinking everything is okay. Birds, for the most part, are still evil creatures who steal my snow, and drop white bird bombs everywhere. They cannot be trusted!

Demon Flash Bandit (Why Make a Movie About Birds?)

Friday, January 14, 2011

Mushing to Burger King

Many sports the humans engage in do not involve dogs. However, dog sledding is a sport in which the dogs are the "stars". I have never personally pulled a sled, and I don't participate in sledding because it looks like a lot of work! It would be cool if the humans were pulling me and I was laying on the sled, but they let the humans come up with the idea, and they came up with the idea of dogs pulling the humans. I have decided that this is a sport that might actually be fun for a dog-particularly a dog like myself who was bred to pull sleds. The sport just needs some changes made by a dog. Dogs should only pull a sled if it is for short distances, like maybe 100 feet. After that, it is time to get out the car. I did devise a race like Iditarod in which the dogs start next door to Burger King and they mush directly to Burger King. The prize, of course, is some tasty burgers. The first to arrive also gets a vanilla milkshake. I've shared my idea with several dogs and all of them think it is the best dog race they have ever had the pleasure to hear about. I am pleased that, once again, I have come up with a brilliant plan.

Mommy got a catalog from Doctors Foster Smith, and I was pawing through it to see what interesting things they have for the humans to buy for me. As I have mentioned in the past, I do LOVE dingo bones. The catalog has some bones that kind of look like dingo bones, but they are called Toro bones. They have a bacon flavor middle. I have thought bacon was delicious since I was a puppy. Now all I have to do is persuade Mommy to place an order. Orders over $49.00 get free shipping so I think Mommy should order at least $50.00 worth to save money on shipping. I am always watching out for Mommy's financial situation because I am a good dog! I've got to go and cleverly hide that catalog inside a magazine Mommy normally reads so I can make her read an ad for Toro bones. I have to give Ralphie from A Christmas Story credit for coming up with that cleverness. A dog can learn a lot from watching movies.

Demon Flash Bandit (Would Love to Try Toro Bones)

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Mama is Always Right--At least That is What Mama Says

I just finished watching a spoof done by Vicki Lawrence who was dressed as her character, Mama, about the fame recently experienced by Ted Williams, the man who was recently homeless. While it is sad that there are people who are homeless, and I have no problem with Mr. Williams getting some notoriety, she does have a point. He was lucky--and good luck is something that is very good to have. However, he isn't anything special. There are many talented people out there, and most of them aren't homeless. I understand exactly how she feels. This dog loves the television show, Mama's Family, and I like Vicki Lawrence. Many of the programs on television today are so bad that we depend largely on dvds for entertainment around here. There is no way that I am going to sit around watching some human reality show with a bunch of humans who have so many self created problems that us dogs can't understand how the other humans can even watch them and not feel that the whole human race is doomed to stupidity. It makes no sense that a dog of my handsomeness and intelligence--not to mention writing talent doesn't have my own television show or movie. How can so many humans be given that opportunity when they don't deserve it? I don't mind Ted Williams having his chance, and I wish him well; but Mama does have a point. Perhaps if the humans learned that it is a good idea to work to better themselves, maybe the world would be a better place than if they just wait to have things dumped into their laps.

Demon Flash Bandit (Fan Of Mama's Family)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

You Are Welcome

I am going to share one of the "headlines" on news today. It says, birds in trouble? You bet. Here's why: The reason is because of me, Demon Flash Bandit. Of course, that isn't what they put in the article, but all of us know who is responsible for the public service. I have been alerting all dogs and all the humans who will listen to reason that birds are plotting to take over the world. Those birds thought they could get by with stealing my snow and singing about it, but they were wrong. This dog is fluent in bird, and I know what they are saying. I proceeded to warn others, and an army of dogs is watching for birds. I'm still talking with Bo Obama, who is trying to get the United States to declare war on the little feathered varmints. Even the first dog has trouble getting the humans to listen! Now, in addition to the dead birds in Arkansas and Louisiana, there are dead birds in Kentucky and Sweden. Vietnam has 150 tons of red tipala dead and Britain has lost 40,000 crabs (which is probably a good thing since no one enjoys being around grouches). There is also a paralysis virus affecting crickets. This is affecting the pet supply industry since most of these crickets are sold to pet supply places to feed snakes. It seems to me that a paralysis virus would be a good thing. If the cricket is paralyzed, it would make it harder for him to hop away from the dinner plate. One in six bird species is in danger of extinction. Yes, I have done my job well. My snow will be safe! By the way, I know how much everyone appreciates my work and my response would be to tell everyone: you are welcome!

Demon Flash Bandit (Not a Fan of Birds)

Monday, January 10, 2011

A Crown Worthy of English Royalty

Once again, I received some correspondence from Elizabeth II, The Queen Lady. It is always nice to hear from my friend, the Queen Lady, and this was no exception. I wrote and suggested ways in which she could cut the royal budget. As always, she appreciated my advice. Here is her letter:

Dear Demon Flash Bandit,

Thank you so much for your letter suggesting we save money on the royal budget by selling the crown jewels. Most of the time, they just sit around in the Jewel House of the Tower of London because we don't wear them much. I'm sure they would bring a nice wad of cash for our castle expenses. I had never considered giving them up since we do need the crown for various occasions. I was touched by your thoughtfulness in finding a substitute for me to wear and pass down to my descendants. I did consider the child's "plastic" tiara you priced for me at Meijer for $5.99, but I know it might not fit so I realized I might have to spend as much as $100-$200. on a crown. However, since you sent me such a wonderful replacement crown, I don't even have to spend $5.99 because I plan to use the crown you sent. You are so right when you say that a Burger King crown is better than any other crown that I could buy. In fact, I like it better than the crown jewels in the Tower of London. It is not heavy, it looks regal, and you can't do better in life than burgers from Burger King. I often take the family out for their wonderful burgers. I'm not sure how ordinary people can afford to eat at such an elegant restaurant, but it is nice that they feed my subjects the same delightful burgers they serve me and my family. Thank you so much for watching out for me and my family. I am always touched by your thoughtfulness. I do hope that I will be able to come and mow your yard this year. That extra $25.00 will mean so much to my family and me.

On another subject, are you going to be able to attend the wedding of my grandson to Kate Middleton? I do hope you will be able to attend. I have told the caterers to make sure that you are served Burger King because I know how much you enjoy their burgers. Yes, Demon, they really are "fit for a king or queen". The rest of the guests will have slump soup so that we will have plenty of leftovers. Nothing says royal like eyeballs and ears in the soup. By the way, we would love to have you stay at the castle with us. We have plenty of room, and I would hate to see you stay at a hotel.


Her Majesty, Queen Lady Elizabeth

I am so pleased that the Queen Lady takes the time to write me, a simple dog.

Demon Flash Bandit (Helping the Queen Lady Save Money)

Work for Unemployed Spiders

Movie: The Mist: SPOILER ALERT:
Last night Mommy and I watched the movie, The Mist. Normally, I think that most movies would be improved with the addition of more dogs or an all dog cast. This is one of those movies that is an exception to that rule. There is a "mist" that comes into a town. It is dangerous to go out into the mist because there is something that turns out to be giant bugs and spiders that happens to be killing many of the people who go into the mist. I'm sure the budget for the movie was increased since some of those spiders had starred in other movies--the giant spider from The Lord of the Rings Return of the King was in the movie as was smaller ones from Spiderman 1 (the one that bit Peter Parker), and Arachnophobia. I'm sure those watching the movie will remember them from those movies. I suppose it was good for the spiders since giant spiders don't have a lot of roles to fulfill in Hollywood so, when one comes along, they are glad to have the work. I doubt that a dog would want to star in The Mist because I know I would not take a role where I have to deal with a stupid spider. I don't even like mosquitoes that are "normal" size. If you enjoy insects particularly ones who are bigger than normal, you will love this movie. If you don't like insects, I would suggest you avoid watching this movie.

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Critic)

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Musical Composer--Dog of Many Talents

I was watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia with Mommy last night, and one episode had Charley's musical, The Night Man cometh. There was also a viewing of the live show that was held on April 17-18, 2009 in Los Angeles at the Troubadour. This inspired me because if the humans could have shows that sold out in 10 minutes, a dog should be able to do even better. This made me write my own musical, and I based in on The Night Man Cometh. Here is the main song:

Dog Man, leader of the Cat Man, ooh ahh,
Killer of the Birds, ooh ahh,
Master of cuteness and friendship for every dog.

I'm quite sure the Troubadour will be happy to book my musical. I got a fortune cookie yesterday that said I would soon be rich so I'm sure if I took that in to show them, they would know my show has to be a major success. You can't argue with a fortune cookie. I'm sure the humans will love my show. As you know, most humans would love to be dogs--not having to work and napping all the time.

I hope everyone is having a delightful weekend, and remember, dogs lead cats. Cats are okay to have around, but are always inferior to dogs.

Demon Flash Bandit (Musical Composer)

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Dogs Need Privacy Too!!!

I saw an item in the news about a woman in Denver, Colorado who used an iPhone application to watch her dog in her absence, and ended up catching footage of a thief who broke into her house. I hope this will help the police apprehend the criminal, but this dog is a bit worried about the implications of a phone application that can watch a dog from afar. Sure, I know the humans love to photograph me because I happen to be a handsome dog, but do I really want them seeing everything I do? I happen to be a good dog, but what about my right to privacy? I think the humans are going a bit too far with that phone application. I bet the humans would be annoyed if their dogs put an application on the iDogPhone that watched the humans' every move. I can't say I blame them for that. They want privacy, but seem to forget that dogs want our privacy too. What about the dogs who aren't good like me and who get into things? Those dogs will no longer be able to say that they had nothing to do with the missing food--it was a thief who broke in to steal snacks. Dogs deserve privacy too. I think phones that can watch a dog when the humans are gone are bad, and I think that application should be illegal. If my humans ever try that, I will hire doggy lawyers to sue them. I hope other dogs will act accordingly.

Demon Flash Bandit (Sticking Up For A Dog's Constitutional Rights)

Friday, January 7, 2011

Mathematical Formula to Achieve Milkbones

I was watching The Big Bang Theory last night, and I realized that I have been a theoretical physicist since I was a puppy. Even as a young pup, I realized that there are 2 major groups of dogs. One group that has milkbones and one group that does not. I worked out a mathematical formula that takes many variables into consideration--how cute is the dog, how well does he or she beg, can the dog be trusted not to eat the entire box in one sitting, etc. It is very simple and even the humans can understand it: x=cuteness, y=begging ability, z=trust, m-milkbones.
This is one of the simpler theories. You will notice that cuteness is more important than anything else because the humans control the purchase of milkbones, and they respond to cuteness more so than the other abilities.

I happen to be so cute that I usually don't even have to beg. In fact, I often help myself to the box when the humans bring it home. They can trust me because I have been known to carry a box around for a day or two unopened. I like to have it with me just in case I'm in the mood for a milkbone. Sometimes I like to use the box as a pillow. Now that I have written a blog showing my advanced math and science skills, I am sure that my genius will make the humans buy me even more milkbones. Therefore, my theory is that a dog has to do anything it takes to get some milkbones, and whatever impresses your human, do it. Milkbones are worth the trouble!

Demon Flash Bandit (Theoretical Physicist and Dog With Milkbones)

Thursday, January 6, 2011

My Opinion of People's Choice for Best Movie

The People's Choice Awards chose Twilight as the best movie overall. I think once again, this shows how stupid the humans are. Let a dog bite someone even if the person deserves it, and the humans put the dog in a cage and the dog faces a possible execution. However, let vampires and werewolves run amok and the humans make it the best movie of the year. I would think the humans had lost any sense of good taste. However, I also know that with that award, the humans can vote multiple times. Many of the humans, including the ones around here, never bother to vote at all. I guess tweens have a lot of time on their paws for voting. I really don't mind Twilight having fans who love it, but this dog hardly thinks it was the best movie of the year. In my opinion, it wasn't even the best movie of the month. I would vote for Marmaduke above Twilight. Who needs werewolves when you can have cute dogs starring in a movie?

Speaking of movies, my humans saw The Fighter, and they said it was an excellent movie. Jeff said it is a fantastic piece of human film making although it would be greatly improved with dogs. Humans are stupid, and, not to put down The Fighter, if it had an all dog cast, it would win all the awards, and no audience member would not like it. I, I mean Demon Flash Bandit, would be perfect for the lead role. Remember, this is Jeff's review and not mine. For a human, he is very wise--almost as intelligent as a dog like myself.

I've got to go and do some movie research or take a nap--I'm not sure which I will do.

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Critic)

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Demon Flash Bandit: Royal Wedding Consultant

I have shared many of the letters I receive from Elizabeth II, The Queen Lady. Today I am going to share a letter I wrote to her which is on its way as I write this. I read about the latest update on the wedding of William and Kate Middleton, and I knew that the Queen Lady would want to know my thoughts on the wedding plans.

Dear Queen Lady,
I know you are super busy with all the plans for the royal wedding of your grandson to Kate Middleton. I'm sure you are wondering what I think of those plans so I am writing to give you my thoughts on the subject. I think Rowan Williams is a wise choice to officiate the wedding. It is a shame the news did not spell his name correctly, but Robin Williams is an excellent choice. You must have watched the movie, License to Wed, where he played the minister. I thought that was a good movie, and it will lend a bit of humor to the wedding, which royal weddings are so unlikely to add. Kudos for thinking of him. I know he has played many varying roles so playing the Archbishop of Canterbury will be an easy one for him. I do hope that you don't expect everyone to read Canterbury Tales because I looked them over, and they are not written in English, despite what some teachers try to claim. I'm assuming that the wedding will be in English.

I don't have any specific advice on the clothing designer except that it would be wise not to ask for Angel Zoom Smokey's advice unless the bride and groom want to be dressed in fur. That is her fashion preference.

The music has not yet been announced, and I know it is because you asked the Howling Huskies to provide the music. We would love to oblige, but we are unable to get all the huskies together so it would be best if you choose another group. Perhaps you can get Sir Paul McCartney to provide the music. I know he isn't as well known as the Howling Huskies, but he has managed to get some notoriety in the field of music.

I have to go now. If you need any more of my input on the wedding plans, be sure and ask. I love helping you because you are a good friend.

Love, Demon Flash Bandit

I'm sure the Queen Lady will appreciate getting advice from a dog's perspective.

Demon Flash Bandit (Wedding Consultant)

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Bye, Bye Blackbirds!

Bark about a new year starting out great for a dog--1,000 red winged black birds have fallen from the sky dead in Beebe, Arkansas as I discussed in a previous blog. Now it seems that the amount was underestimated. The latest news says it was 4,000 to 5,000. Today the news has another story about birds falling dead in Pointe Coupee parish, Louisiana. This time the number is 500, and they are red winged black birds and starlings. I have been playing an old song all day---Bye Bye Blackbird. Of course, when I sing along it is a more upbeat, happy song. I can't think of anything this dog loves more than saying goodbye to those evil snow stealing birds!

Pawnation has an article about people paying $100,000 to clone their dogs. This dog thinks it would make a lot more sense to just buy or adopt another dog that needs a home. I personally don't think a clone would ever be just like the original because, whether human or canine, an individual is also shaped by the events in their lives, and it would be impossible to have the exact same events happen. Things do change with time, and the individuals react to those changes so I just don't see how a clone could ever be an exact duplicate of the original. Besides, the dogs who have passed on tell me that paradise is on the other side of the bridge and the Burger King is free and all a dog can eat!

It is time for me to get back to singing Bye, Bye Blackbird!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dead Bird Count Up)

Monday, January 3, 2011

Sharing Movie and Commerical Reviews

Now that the holidays are over, this dog has been catching up on my rest. Working toward a college degree in napping is a lot harder than you might think. However, this dog will not allow difficulty to interfere with reaching my goal.

During the holidays I watched several movies with my humans so I think I should share a movie review with my readers. Centurion was one of the movies I watched. It is about the Romans and their difficulties in trying to take over northern England. It was a good movie if you like historical type movies. There were dogs in the movie, but none of them had starring roles--they were mostly extras. I think the movie could have been improved if they had given some of the dogs more important roles.

I want to mention the cool commercial Minute Maid is airing for their Energy Juice. The children in a classroom are telling their teacher that the class rabbit is sick. The teacher doesn't do much of anything until he drinks some Minute Maid Energy Juice, and then he uses the static electricity in 2 balloons to bring the rabbit back to life. Judging from this commercial, all hospital Emergency Rooms should be stocked with Minutes Maid Energy Juice and balloons.

The Internet news reports that 1,000 dead birds fell from the sky in Arkansas which means that the new year is starting out well for me. I couldn't have asked for better news. I have been warning the humans about the birds and their evil plans since I was a puppy. Lucky for me (and the civilized world), I understand bird. I have listened to many of their evil plans; but they had no idea that a dog could understand them. However, you try to warn the humans, they don't listen. It is very frustrating for me so it is nice to see dead birds dropping from the sky. Someone out there must be reading my warnings.

I hope that everyone is having a nice day, and getting plenty of rest. Speaking of rest, it is time to get back to my is so demanding!

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie and Advertising Critic)

Sunday, January 2, 2011

My Solution to All Economic Problems

I hope everyone had a nice New Year's Day. My humans had Arbys chicken sandwiches. Yeah, they really know how to live it up. Then I found out how to solve all financial problems and make sure that everyone in the world is prosperous. I overheard my Mommy telling my human brother Jeff that when she was growing up, her Mother always had ham on New Year's Day. Why did they have ham? Because if you eat ham on New Year's Day, you will live high off the hog all year. If you eat chicken, you will be scratching for a living. This made me wonder about my humans because they ate chicken sandwiches, but they were cordon bleu so that means they were chicken with ham. Do they cancel each other out and make it a moderately successful new year or do you count one or the other? You would think that, with this kind of knowledge available to Mommy, that she would not have taken such stupid chances with dinner yesterday. She also said that black eyed peas are supposed to be served for good luck. Of course, the humans didn't eat them either. I am not quite sure how peas who were unlucky enough to be given a black eye can be lucky, but perhaps even if they aren't lucky themselves, they have the power to give good luck to humans. Personally, I think eating Burger King on New Year's Day means that you will be living royally all year. Guess who had Burger King yesterday? Yes, it was me. I do love Burger King. This means that I will be King for the rest of the year. This dog does not take chances with ancient superstitions.

With the world economy not doing well, it would have been nice if I had known these dinner facts in advance. I could have told everyone to eat ham yesterday, and everyone would have had a prosperous new year. I called Bo Obama today to let him know how simple the solution to everybody's economic problems happens to be. I hope next year, we can make sure everyone has ham for dinner except for us dogs--we can eat Burger King.

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing a Solution to World Economic Problems)

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Phantom Fast Snowman Did Some Celebrating!

My humans celebrated New Year's Eve by staying home with Angel Zoom Smokey and myself. Since Angel and myself were available, it was senseless to leave the house. We had a nice time, and mainly watched television or spent some time on the computer. My human brother William, spent the night. However, we did have one member of the family who had a bit too much gin. Phantom Fast Snowman, our stunt dog, took partying very seriously--particularly after having some gin. Phantom's photo is on my blog today. We hid the keys to the car so that Phantom wouldn't get any ideas about going for a drive while drunk. I know he was already at home and didn't need to go anywhere, but when he gets into the gin, you never know what he is going to decide to do.

During the Christmas season, cookies being baked is a major holiday tradition. As usual, the police around the world have had to deal with many instances of gingerbread men causing problems. They usually run away from the baker, and then they sing annoying songs about not being able to catch them. Since the fox is the one who finally outsmarted the gingerbread man in the past, the police have put their canine officers in charge of apprehending the gingerbread criminals. None have been brought to court. The police aren't quite sure why, but they seem to disappear once they are found. The dogs say they are magical, and have the power to become invisible. That sounds like a reasonable assumption to me. On the subject of gingerbread, there has been a recall on gingerbread houses made by Rolf's Patisserie. I suggest that you don't eat a house made by this company.

When I write about criminal gingerbread men who run from justice, I like to be able to include good news as well. Fred Smith had went to the bank and withdrawn $1200. to use to buy Christmas gifts. He stopped to eat at Walt's Barbecue in Cincinnati, Ohio; and accidentally forgot the money. His waitress, Tricia Ayers, turned in the money and it was waiting at the restaurant for him to come and claim it. That waitress deserves the Demon Flash Bandit award for excellence. There are lots of good humans in the world which is why I like to mention them in my blog.

I hope that my readers have a very healthy and happy new year ahead.

Demon Flash Bandit (Glad To Have a Stunt Dog)