Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Bad Electorsl College

In my continuing mission to try to teach the humans with dog sense, today I am going to discuss the electoral college in the United States.  Hillary Clinton should be president because more people voted for her. The same thing happened with Al Gore when he won the most votes.  I know anyone who knows math would ask, why someone with less votes would be made president?  That is a good question so I will answer it on this blog.  When a state wins, the winning candidate gets all the votes.  This system was set in place by the founding fathers.  No, they were not literally fathers of all the citizens.  They would have gone broke just giving out allowances.  I don't know exactly what they were looking for.  However, when they were done, they had started a new country, the United States.  They set up the electoral college.  It sounds good on the surface that some well educated people would cast the final vote.  That isn't what happens.  I did some research, and I am going to share an amazing fact with my readers.  It is not a four year school of education.  Yes dogs, they meet only once every four years.  I do not think that small amount of time should even qualify them for a degree.  Certainly, they aren't educated enough to pick a president. I think it is about time the president is chosen by popular votes and not by lazy college students.

Demon Flash Bandit (Educated Dog)

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Time to Party

Today is an exciting day for Angel Zoom Smokey and myself.  If all goes as planned, mom will be home later today after 3 months of being in a hospital and later a nursing home.  We have been partying in preparation for her return.  I know she will be as glad to see us as we will be to see her again.  Angel told me that she plans to spend at least an hour and a half kissing mom..  She loves to kiss people.  Personally, I think she overdoes it. However, I am not going to tell her my opinion.  The last time I criticized her, she told me to mind my own business or she would start kissing me. Yuck!  I hope mommy feels like partying.

My brothers stocked the house with party foods. I am  particularly looking forward to eating ice cream.  I' m sure mommy will have fun at our party. Every dog is welcome so come and join us.

Demon Flash Bandit (party dog)

Monday, November 28, 2016

Evil Appliance

There have many items over the years that have been invented that have greatly benefited humans and dogs.  On the other paw, some inventions are detrimental to society.  Today I am going to review a bad one.  It is a household appliance usually found in the kitchen.  That evil appliance is a trash compacter.  Whoever invented it should be a jail.  As you know, the humans put their best stuff in the trash.  A compactor destroys that trash by compacting it.  It is the fundamental job of the dog to go through the trash.  As a dog, I am quite aware that humans cannot be trusted to know the difference between trash and treasure.  This is where the dog's job begins.  With a compactor, the dog is unable to open it.  If a dog managed to get it open, he could get hurt.  The thing could turn on and he could be crushed.   So to avoid such a tragedy, don't get one for your home.  Let dogs continue their work.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog)

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Cat Necessities by the Demon Flash Bandit, Dog

Recently I watched an informative television show with a cat behavourist.   He was in a pet store showing misguided humans (they want a cat) what  things they needed to buy.  By the time they left the store, they had spent quite a bit of money.  As a public service, I am going to list the real essentials.

First,  get a cat.  Why get a bunch of cat essentials if you don't have a cat?  Would you buy elephant accessories before you get a pet elephant?  Of course not.

Next item on the list is food. Unless your cat shares his food with a dog, the cheap food is perfect.  If a cat is fed expensive food, he gets uppity.  Ask any dog - they will tell you there is nothing worse than an uppity cat unless it is an uppity squirrel.

Cats need a litter box to take care of their business.  As you can imagine,  they are not particularly good at producing a sellable item.  The show said to get two of them.  Evidently cats think they need a 2 bathroom house.  They only need one.  Again, you don't want an uppity cat.  The pet store has covered or uncovered litter boxes.  This is a blatant attempt by the litter box manufacturers to make more money.  Any plastic tub will do.  A dog could probably find a free one in the neighborhood garbage.

The only cat toys they need is whatever you have around the house.  Yarn, a ball, or a toilet paper holder are perfect cat toys.

Water dishes are unnecessary if your house has a toilet.  It is also hilarious to dogs when the cat falls into the water.  However, purchasing a water dish for a cat is acceptable.

If you want to buy clothes for a cat, go ahead.  They love to wear clothing.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention catnip addiction.  Cats are prone to getting  this affliction.  If a cat starts wearing sun glases, he is probably an addict and needs to go to cat rehab.

Good luck to future cat owners.  However, why not reconsider and get a dog.  Cats are unappreciative jerks.

Demon Flash Bandit

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Turkey Disguise

Now is the time of year when turkeys can become turkeys again.  In early November, many of them put on disguises to avoid being Thanksgiving dinner's main dish.  Some humans don't eat the traditional pizza.  They serve turkey instead.  As you know, you can depend on  me to keep my readers informed.  In my research, I have learned that they disguise themselves as peacocks.  Turkeys dress up for Halloween trick or treating.  I was surprised because I didn't think turkeys would be smart enough to use their costumes to get candy.  If a peacock shows up at your door on Halloween. It was probably a turkey.

Then they stay in costume until after Thanksgiving.  By now, in dogs whose households did serve turkey, the humans should be tired of leftovers by now.  A dog's job is to eat the leftover bird meat before the humans have to eat turkey hash.  Sure it is a sacrifice to eat the rest of the turkey, but we love our humans.   Therefore we make the sacrifice for them.  There should be a special medal for us dogs.  The humans are so lucky to have us.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog)

Friday, November 25, 2016

New Candy Flavors

Just in time for Christmas, a candy company has released candy canes with new flavors.  Those exciting new flavors are gravy, bacon, and pickle.  Don't tell me there isn't a dog running that company.  I don't think the humans have enough common dog sense to learn.  (We tried to teach them, but they have little, human size brains).  I know many times when I have time to contemplate flavors, bacon comes to my mind.  Some people prefer their bacon cooked until it is crispy and some prefer it cooked  less.  Personally, I love it whethet it is cooked or uncooked.  Yes, I would eat raw bacon if I had the opportunity.  My humans make me wait until it is cooked.  My mom started purchasing it already cooked.  I am guessing that a dog was the bacon marketing  consultant.  Pre-cooked can be eaten in the car on the way home from the store.

I'm also sure that gravy was the brainchild of a dog. Gtravy makes everything better. I want to try it over bacon.  You know there was one human in tjhe group.  He came up with the stupid picklle flavor.  It must be sweet pickles because dill are kind of sour.  It has to be sweet to be candy.  If of tastes sour, it is uncandy.

Demon Flash Bandit (Tasteful Dog)

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is thanksgiving in the United States - a day to give thanks.  We celebrate the anniversary of the time many moons ago, the pilgrims and native Americans ordered pizza and then played a game of rockball (this was before football was invented).  They said that every year people should celebrate the anniversary of the day by ordering pizza and giving thanks for pizza delivery.  We have done so ever since.

My brothers, Angel, and me are having the traditional Thanksgiving pizza.  Mom, who is still in the nursing home got a turkey dinner.  Jeff assured me that mom would not be arrested for having turkey because she had nothing to do with the menu.  They would arrest the administrator or the chef.   She said it was good.  Maybe I should visit her for a taste test.

Personally, I am thankful for mom, my brothers, sometimes Angel, my readers, dog toys, bones, and my campaign workers.   I am particularly thankful that mom is supposed to be discharged next Tuesday.  I am so anxious to see her!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Demon Flash Bandit (Thankful Dog)

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Election Rigged!

Since the election, I have been receiving a lot of mail from disappointed voters.  I have decided to share one with my readers.

Dear Sir Demon,

I am so disappointed with the election results.  Clearly, you were the best candidate.  I voted for you, and according to a poll in my area, all the dogs voted for you.  We were so excited to have a candidate with common dog sense.  Do you realize that there is no secretary of sniffing on the President's cabinet?  Dogs know that countries would get along a lot better of the leaders sniffed each other's butts before meetings.

At first I assumed the humans voted for Trump so he won. I have since come to the conclusion that he rigged the election. If the humans weren't so dimwitted, they would see it.   He said it would be rigged. He got by with it even when he confessed in advance.

Please run again in 2020.  We need to have a dog running the country.


Rover (head of the dogs rule constituency.

I will run again in 2020. Meanwhile, us  dogs will be watching Trump!

Demon Flash Bandit ( Cheated by Human)

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Mom's Helper

In addition to my many duties around here, my Aunt Barbara's birthday was last week.  She is humom's sister.  Humom wanted to send her something.  As usual, this dog had to help.  I called her house, and her dog, Max, answered the phone.  I always enjoy barking with Max.  He, like me, is a good boy.  I told him that my mom was wondering what his mom might want for her birthday.  As you know, dogs are an incredible source of information about their humans, which is why I called Max.  I was not mistaken (like it  would be possible for me to be wrong).  He said that she hoped  someone would give her dingo brand bones.  I guess sisters have similar taste, because that is a perfect gift for my mom too.  I passed the information from Max to mom and she sent her sister some dingo bones.  I hope she shares them with Max.  Mom said the bones would make her laugh. Humans laugh at the oddest things.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog)

Monday, November 21, 2016

Happy Birthday to Me!

Greetings my loyal readers!  Today is a very special day, today is my Woofday!  I have already received warm greetings from the Pope and Stone Cold Steve Austin via Skype and Johnny Depp came over to watch Gone to the Snowdogs on YouTube with me.  Yes, I was offered a part in Pirates of the Caribbean 6 by the way, but I will have to weigh it with my other offers which include napping.  I have not had Birthday cake yet, which is an outrage.  A dog needs his sugar.  It's like the ending of Scarface where Al Pacino has all that sugar on his desk and is willing to die for it (Note: I have only seen about a minute of the movie Scarface).  Anyway, thank all of you for reading my blog and sharing my Woofday with me.  You are the best.
-Demon Flash Bandit

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Movie review Star Wars. A New Hope

Long ago on a planet far, far, far away; they're was a conflict-not a war.  It sounds much nicer to say conflict..  Humans always try to make lousy things seem better with language.  No, it doesn't change reality.  Some of you might realize that I am talking about Star Wars The New Hope. For those of you who are waiting for my movie review to see it, this is your luclky day.  You might want to buy a lottery ticket.  Them buy or stream it.

The Empire,  led by robot man Darth Vader is building a death star which can destroy am entire planet.  Luke Skywalker joins forces with other people who want the republic to come back into power.  The galaxy is controlled by an invisible power called the force.

My main problem  with this movie is the lack of dogs.  Sure, Chewbacca's voice was based on Lucas' malamute dog.  However, he looks more like a monkey and he walks on his back paws.  I give it 2 paws up and a tail wag.  It would get a better rating if it had at least one dog.  I would write more, but I don't want to spoil it for the 4 people who haven't seen it.

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Critic)

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Noodle Chickens

I would like to encourage my new readers to follow my blog.  Otherwise, you might miss out on   my wisdom.  Today's subject is chicken noodle soup.  Despite my vast intelligence,  I am not cettain what a chicken noodle looks like.   I assume it is a special chicken that has noodles.  One day when I was out in the yard, I fpund a garden of noodles.  Humom said they are worms.  I might add that they don't taste good.  This is why birds eat them.  Birds are stupid.After several minutes of research I decided that I don't care about the chicken's noodle.  Their noodle isn' t that smart.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Gourmet)

Monday, November 14, 2016

Animal Planet Programming

Recently, I was watching Animal Planet.  Usually I enjoy their programming, and recommend it to my many readers.  Most of their shows involve cute animals doing silly things or animal rescues.  However, 2 shows do not conform to most of their programmimg descriptions.  One show is called Monsters Within, and one shows the inner workings of a snake rescue.  Some humans not only rescue snakes, but they also provide treatment and offer sanctuary.  Why?  We are talking about a snake.  Have the humans lost their sense or have they ever had any?  Many dogs think the humans need dogs for our wisdom.  A few humans even have a pet snake. I think pets should be furry and cute.   The ridiculous part is that some snakes are poisonous and can kill a dog or a human.  If it is unsafe to pet a snake, then it is not meant to be a pet.  By the way, in the Bible, the snake lied to Eve.  God told the snake he was a jerk, Therefore, snakes are evil.

 The other show, Monsters Within, is about parasites and their effect on humans.  I would like to know why parasites star  in their own show when a cute dog like me has no show.  In addition, parasites have no talent.  On the other paw, I am very talented.  Also, no one has ever thoigjht parasites are entertaining, and I would not  class them as animals.  I bet Animal Planet is probably run by humans. Dogs should be in charge.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog)

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Halloween for Dogs

I have been side tracked with other subjects so that  I have not mentioned my brilliant idea for celebrating Halloween.   Since many human puppies who take part in the trick or treat ritual are now going to trunk or treat at designated parking lots or parties; there isn't as much neighborhood trick or treating. It would be a shame to lose such a lovely neighborhood tradition so my idea is to have dogs trick or treat instead of human puppies.  Instead of candy, the humans can give out dog treats. Since so many of us dogs are forced to wear costumes.  Some of the costumes are humiliating.  Dressing a dog as a squirrel or a bee is something that other dogs will be snickering about for years.  I will admit that Angel was cute as a hot dog years ago.  I had a red Superman cape.  I looked very handsome.  Now our stunt dog, Phantom Fast Snowman wears the  stupid stuff.  Of course, I would put on my Superman cape if I can go around getting dog treats from the neighbors.  Imagine how adorable a bunch of costumed dogs roaming the neighborhoods would look.  Don't tell humom, but I will gladly accept candy if the house runs out of dog treats.  That is our secret.

 Demon Flash Bandit (Gathering Dog Treats)


I Can Solve Heath Care Crisis

As most of my readers already know - Trump won the election.  It is customary for the losers to offer a conciliatory speech. I have no intention of doing so because this election was rigged.  This is why dogs never win, and the humans keep being allowed to run things.  Does Trump even have a dog?

I do want to thank all the dogs who voted for me.  In my next run in 2020,I am going to learn from Trump who made  promises he can' t fulfill  I'm taking it a step further and state that if I am elected to office,  i will fix the health care system and save billions.  How?  I will negotiate a deal that no one can get sick.  As usual, my plan Is genius.   I will banish death.  Being a asuccessful business dog, I am sure I can negotiate with the Grim Reeper to keep everyone alive.   Vote for me in 2020.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog)

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Wendy's Hamburgers a Bribe?

Thanks for all the prayers and woofs for humom.  She is on IV  antibiotics for the rest of the month.  She is feeling better.  However, she had to have a new line put in for dialysis.  If I were her Dr., I would put in a permanent line.

My human was able to get back on the Internet after it was down for a week at the nursing home. I don't think it is a coincidence that I could not do my final presidential campaigning.  Now one of those humans might win.  No wonder the US has so many problems because it keeps being run by humans instead of dogs.

We had Wendy's cheeseburgers for dinner today from my brother, William.  We deserve them because the humans used to be home 24 hours a day.  Since Mom has been sick, our human brothers sometimes leave us alone for an hour or two.  I thought about reporting them to the authorities; but, since I love them, I am letting it go.  Imagine being left alone for up to 2 hours.  Can't the humans go to jail for leaving a dog at home alone?  At least in the movie, Home Alone, the kid was left behind; and it  wasn't deliberate. At least they didn't leave the dog behind.  If you ask me, that was a family in serious need of a dog's wisdom.

Welcome to my new readers in France.  I want to say hello in France: woof woof.  I learned that from a very hot French poodle.  I offered to take her on a sled run to cool off.  Poodles aren't officially sled dogs, but some of them have pulled sleds.
 Perhaps we could create a huskapoo puppy.  I bet it would be adorable.  Anyway, it is always nice to have new readers.

Demon Flash Bandit (Neglected Dog)