Sunday, October 31, 2010

Trick or Treating Dog---Happy Halloween!

The Pew Research Group, which consists of some very well educated skunks (thus the name Pew), surveyed 2,003 adult humans asking about their experience with the Paranormal. The percentage of humans who have seen a ghost was 18%, The percentage who had felt the touch of someone who has died was 29%. I'm not sure just how a human is supposed to know that the person touching them is actually dead if they can't see them. It would be more accurate if they could look around and say something to the effect, "wow, there is Uncle Jim.....he died 5 years ago, and now he is touching me". I can see how some of the humans can feel something and assume it is a dead person when it could be a dead bird for all they know. Birds are evil when they are alive. I am assuming that ghost birds have to be nasty too. They are probably touching humans and laughing about how easy it is to fool the humans. Anyway, since it is Halloween, I thought ghosts would make an interesting subject for today's blog. I think the survey was wrong. The adults who grew up watching Casper on television should have made the survey numbers much higher. I'm guessing at least 95% of the human adults in the United States saw Casper when they were children, and since Casper is a ghost, that would make the percentage of humans who have seen ghosts considerably higher. I'm not even taking into account other television shows and movies that feature ghosts. There was even a movie called Ghost, which was quite popular and widely watched. I think 100% of humans have seen ghosts which makes it nice for us dogs since we can see ghosts all the time, and we don't have to watch television to do so. The humans eyes, much like their noses are so inferior to that of their dogs. As usual, dogs rule!

On a happy note, those stupid Halloween costumes that Mommy bought for Angel Zoom Smokey and myself might not be so bad after all. I may not want to wear them, but I might just put on my "devil" outfit, put a bag in my mouth, and go out trick or treating myself. If the little deadbeats are going to steal the candy around here, this "Bandit" might have to go out and get his own. Sometimes a dog has to make sacrifices for the things he loves--and I LOVE CANDY!!!! I have to go now so I can practice saying trick or treat. I have already mastered a lot of human words so it shouldn't be too difficult.

Demon Flash Bandit (Trick or Treating Dog)

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Fur Party Rally

I personally don't think it is a coincidence that election day in the United States is so close after Halloween. My guess is that the founding fathers were sitting around the table trying to decide when to hold election day. One of them (I would guess Franklin) said, "since election day could be scary some years, why not make it shortly after Halloween because if the people have survived monsters coming to their door, some of the candidates won't seem quite so scary". On the subject of scary things, I think it only fair that I write about the Rally for Sanity/Fear that was held on the national mall yesterday. Jon Stewart from The Daily Show was the head of the Rally for Sanity. Personally, I think this is a tough one for the humans since, from this dog's observation, there are lots of insane humans. I can prove this by the fact that some humans don't own dogs and some only own cats. A rare few super insane ones have pet birds--yes, birds!!!! You can't get any more insane than that. Despite the many warnings I have issued about birds causing global warming, some humans even want them as pets. Yes, insanity is very prevalent among the humans.

The Rally for Fear led by Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report had more appeal for some of the humans. Some of the smarter humans have realized that, scientifically speaking, you can actually scare your way to power. The fear can be totally unfounded, but I guarantee that if you are running for a political office, and you announce that, if your opponent gets into office, aliens with chain saws will take over the planet killing all the inhabitants, a large percentage of the humans will vote for them. Some will even start building underground shelters in their back yards to protect them from the alien threat. As if aliens would come to Earth with chain saw technology. If they can invent a ship that travels across the galaxy, you know they will have better weapons than a chainsaw. This is why they can't return to sanity--they probably were never sane in the first place.

Glenn Beck was having a Rally for Restoring Honor at the Lincoln Memorial. Maybe he and Sarah Palin are missing honor in their lives, but that doesn't mean there aren't a lot of honorable people in the United States-but most of them aren't running for political office. Maybe he needs to meet some regular working citizens. By the way, he estimates that 500,000 attended his rally. My guess is that CBS, who hired professional group counters had it correct at 87,000, which is actually a lot of humans attending.

Rush Limbaugh said that the Rally for Sanity/Fear will build conservative voter turnout. and that people who attended the Rally for Sanity/Fear just came to listen to some half baked comedians. This dog thinks he is jealous that their comedy routines are better than his. Sure, he is funny, but just not as funny as they are. When he says they were there to smoke some "doobies", he probably knows what he is talking about. He has had some drug addiction problems of his own. Is it any wonder that this dog is a member of the Fur party? We had our own rally last night. It was the return to Burger King and Dingo Bones rally. We had dogs from all over the country come to our rally--the crowd was estimated at 100 milli0n. If the humans really want sensible government, and intelligent leadership: I say vote dog! Remember to vote for the Fur party. Of course, there is extreme prejudice against our party so we will be write in candidates, but imagine how much better the world would be if Demon Flash Bandit were the President. My slogan would be bacon and burgers for everyone. Who could resist that kind of campaign promise?

Demon Flash Bandit (Standing With the Fur Party)

Friday, October 29, 2010

Towns That Ban Trick or Treating

I just read that some towns in the United States are banning trick or treating on Halloween for children over the age of 12. This is supposed to avoid problems with teens. Mommy thinks this is stupid since teens are less likely to get into trouble if they are doing something. She even laughingly quoted her teachers when they used to say, "idle hands are the devils workshop" before giving their student stupid busy work to do that didn't really matter. I'll spare you her commentary on those teachers. They may have had a point in their reasoning, but they usually weren't the best teachers. I told her how could they sit at their desk and read the latest issue of Barely Legal or Teacher's Pet ( I suspect Mommy made up that one) magazines if the kids weren't busy? Okay, maybe I'm thinking of my dog trainer because every time I went to class, she had a copy of Barkly Legal magazine in her desk. This is why I insisted on being home schooled. I heard from some of my classmates how she really "loved" dogs. Sure, like many of the human children who are home schooled, it is much easier since my humans have no clue how to train dogs, but that is okay with me. I've been training them since I should be the one in charge anyway. However, the subject of this blog is not about the advantages of home schooling--you know, where a parent with a limited education decides to opt out of allowing people with advanced degrees to teach their kids so that they can pass their ignorance onto their offspring. (Sure, there are exceptions, but as a general rule, this is true of about 90% of home schooling.) This blog is about proper ages for trick or treating. Despite my humans more lenient attitude on this matter, this dog does not think the law goes far enough. I think trick or treating should be banned for all children because, as I have posted before, this dog hates it when the little deadbeats come to the door for candy handouts that could be eaten by this dog. What if they decide to come up with a meat handout, and the children come by wanting bacon and Burger King. I would have to put my paw down on that. No child is going to take my Burger King away from me. Perhaps I need to give the King of the Burgers a call. Some ideas need to be stopped before they are started. I'll write more tomorrow.

Demon Flash Bandit (Candy is Bad Enough--Stay Away from the Meat)

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I Solve Yet Another Mystery

It never ceases to amuse this dog what the humans on the Internet will speculate about. Today's musings involve a silent "Charlie Chaplin" film made in 1928 in which an old lady has her hand to her ear, and many of the humans are assuming that she is a time traveller talking on a cell phone or she is an alien. Granted, these are interesting concepts, but if you see the photo, if she were a time traveler using a cell phone, she would not be dressed in such attire. The same goes for an alien--I'm sure they have more fashion sense than to dress like her. I can understand why she would wish she had a cell phone. She would likely be calling her agent to protest that the zebra had a bigger part in the movie than her. Perhaps she was on the phone complaining that she had been cast in a Charlie Chaplin silent movie. My theory is that it was the "wireless version" of Pony Express, and she was giving the zebra the message he was supposed to send to the intended recipient--as I said earlier-probably her agent. Since it was a silent film, what would be the point of talking anyway? It wasn't like the audience could hear her which might explain a lot. Do you know how much it disturbs actors when they don't have an actual speaking part? She was probably annoyed that the technology allowing her to speak on film was not invented yet. Sure, aliens do visit from time to time to pick up some carry out food or do some experiments on humans. I have seen this many times on movies. I suppose it depends on what planet they come from. I'm sure there are people who have travelled in time. I was watching the television show, The Office, and they had Benjamin Franklin on there in one episode. He had to travel in time to make that appearance so it was extra nice of him to be so considerate.

I think it is safe to conclude that the woman was not on a time traveller using a cell phone and she was not a space alien. Sure, she could have just been insane, but that is a far more logical conclusion that the ones many people are forming. We dogs know that the humans do tend to act crazy, but they can't help it--they aren't dogs!

Demon Flash Bandit (Commenting on The Circus)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

My Crystal Bone is Safe!

It seems that the actress, Bryce Dallas Howard, thinks she might be psychic. I immediately went to check on my crystal bone. Since I did my psychic blog in which I predict the future, I had to make sure that Bryce had not broken into my house and stolen my precious crystal bone. Thank dog it is still there! I think she is just trying to copy me because all the celebrites want to be more like me, Demon Flash Bandit. To be honest, I can't blame them. I am one awesome dog! Besides, I bet they want to eat Burger King more often too.

I saw on the news that Texas has sent a sales tax bill to for 269 million dollars. Someone should inform the state of Texas that sales tax is paid by the buyers--not the merchant, and therefore, the tax should be levied in advance so the merchant knows to charge said tax. If I owned Amazon, I would shut down the Texas distribution center immediately and move it elsewhere. Some states would actually welcome the distribution center. I'm waiting to see if the humans running Amazon think logically like Demon Flash Bandit or not. You would be surprised at just how illogical some of the humans can be. I'm not saying that Amazon should or should not charge sales tax, but you should not send a bill until it is legally decided and the business has a chance to make the charge. Shame on Texas for not having common sense.

It is windy here today, and I hear the stupid tornado siren going off so I'd better sign off now.

Demon Flash Bandit (Sometimes a Political Commentator)

Monday, October 25, 2010

Weather Predictions

After I wrote about my psychic visions seen in my crystal bone in yesterday's blog, today I have decided to predict the weather. Since my blog is read all over the world, I will cover all areas. I think my predictions will prove more accurate than those of local meteorologists simply because I happen to have attended meteorology school--The University of Weather. You can't get a more prestigious degree for weather forecasting than one from there. I know that many activities depend on the weather so I'm sure this will be very helpful, and you don't even have to thank me--I'm glad to do it.

I predict that the weather will be hot, cold or in between. There will be sunshine, rain, snow, sleet, or hail. Also the possibilities of a tornado, hurricane, or tsunami exist. There could be no wind, heavy winds, or calm winds. Flooding is possible as is arid weather. Perhaps there will be an earthquake.

I'm sure all of my readers will rest easier knowing what the weather will be like. As you have noticed, I make sure that my weather reports are never wrong. A dog like me has a reputation to uphold. Now I will just sit back and wait to be hired by a major network news show or the Weather Channel. As you can see, I am the most qualified for the job since I am amazingly accurate.

May your area have nice weather!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Meteorologist)

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Reading my Crystal Bone

As a special treat for my readers, I have decided to use my talent as Demon Flash Bandit, Psychic Dog, to predict the future. I looked into my Crystal Bone and these are the events that I saw come to pass.

1. The actress, Lindsey Lohan, will continue drug rehab for the rest of her life. I do not see a successful future career for her unless she can get roles involving being on drugs.

2. A new car will be manufactured that runs on coffee, and people will report that they have trouble getting it started in the morning.

3. Newspapers will be replaced by netbook computers which the paper boy will throw on people's roofs everyday--unless he decides to break a window.

4. Humans will finally declare war on birds.

5. Cats will actually act happy to see their owners as more of them are replaced by dogs due to the loyalty that dogs show to their humans.

6. In politics, the Tea Party will make tea.

7. Obamacare will be such a rousing success that the Republicans will start calling it Wcare, but it will make them look stupid because most of the humans will think it stands for Whocares.

8. Arnold Swarzen--however you spell his name-gubenator of California will be replaced by Kermit the Frog, and California's economy will improve.

9. The big sled race in Alaska, Iditarod, will have all the dogs following one of the lead dogs, Demon Flash Bandit, to Burger King's drive thru in Anchorage. I have to admit this one is cheating a bit since I have already decided to do this.

Now, you can sit back and wait for my skill as a psychic to be proven.

Demon Flash Bandit (Psychic Dog)

I'm Voting for Good Candy and the Fur Party

It must be lousy to be a human. I just finished checking out the worst Halloween candy you can eat (from a calorie standpoint), and then the best. I know other dogs who read this will not be surprised to learn that some of the same candy was on both lists. Both lists were on the same website. I have re-named this website-the insane health report. Sure, they don't know that they have been re-named, but the new name does fit. According to the site, the "best" candy is dum dums. Am I the only dog that suspects that the manufacturers of dum dums owns this site? I have talked to enough human puppies (and adult humans) to know that, although suckers are nice, they are not considered the Holy Grail of Halloween candy--they are the ones the neighbors who don't want to spend much money to give out. Yes, the bag of 1,000 suckers for $3.99 is hard to pass up particularly if you are cheap. Sure, I like them, but even dogs know there is better candy than dum dums. Look at the brand name. The company doesn't even bother to come up with a decent name for them like Great Licks or Enjoy all Day--they call them dum dums. Dumb is not generally a word that you use when you are giving a compliment to someone so it is a stupid name for a product. I'm glad I'm not the ad agency that has to come up with a campaign for that candy. I seriously doubt they have an ad campaign. My guess is that the price sells the product. If I manage to sneak out trick or treating on Halloween, and you see it is me, make sure you give me the good stuff. It is okay to give dum dums to the little deadbeat human puppies, but this dog has standards!

As I'm sure you may have gathered from the previous paragraph, we dogs often doubt the sanity of the average human. Since it is nearing election time, this is even more clear than usual. Election time is always fun here in the United States. It is even more fun than usual because there is a new group, the Tea Party who has decided that everyone in the country hates what is going on. I myself ran for President last time, and I would never run for the Tea Party. First of all, I was never that fond of the story, Alice in Wonderland, and the Mad Hatter was insane so why would I want to join the Tea Party? Also, I'm not a big fan of tea, and the local tea parties are mostly for little girls and their teddy bears and dolls. The little girls usually dress up in frilly costumes. I'm a He-Man type dog and as such, I would not want to be found dressing in a silly costume (not even a He-Man costume), and drinking tea with an insane hatter. I hate hats too. I won't even get into the Davy Crockett hat my human dad bought me when I was a puppy. When you have to go to Hillbilly Village to find a hat for a dog, my suggestion is, don't. I know very few dogs who will like it, and thank dog I don't wear it. I would not want to have squirrels in the yard making fun of my hat!

Anyway, for those of you living in the United States, I would suggest you vote for my party, the Fur Party. The humans have made enough mistakes. Time to let us furs take over.

Demon Flash Bandit (Member of Fur Party)

Friday, October 22, 2010

I'll Be a Lead Dog!

Things are going well for the Deemster! The fortune in my fortune cookies have been good (as were the fortune cookies themselves--I love those little cookies). I just read my horoscope, and it says that an idea I set in motion in the past will happen. I have had many wonderful ideas, but I have to assume that my ideas about saving my candy from the mooching human puppies who want to take my Halloween candy will catch on. It is Friday, and the weekend approaches which means very little to me since my weekends are very much like my weekdays, but some of the humans "live for the weekend". I think this shows how stupid the humans happen to be. They work all week, many of them at jobs they hate, and live for the weekend when they are off. If you ask me, they should just find jobs they like--if that is even possible. The very word, work, does not tend to give the image of anything fun happening there.

I have a major announcement that my readers are going to learn here first. Doesn't that make you feel privileged? I have decided to mush in the big Alaskan sled race, Iditarod. I will be the lead dog of my sled, and the next race will be a memorable one. Instead of mushing all that way through the wilderness, I will talk the other lead dogs into mushing to the local Burger King. I think it would make the race more enjoyable for the dogs, and it would definitely make Iditarod history. By the way, I hope each musher has enough money to pay Burger King for the food. I know I don't want to use my money to pay for food, and I'm sure the other dogs feel as strongly about this point as I do. Be sure and watch the race, and cheer for me and the other lead dogs as we go through the drive thru lane of Burger fact, I think we should be invited inside to eat. There will be a lot of us, and we do enjoy elegance too. It isn't just something for the humans.

Demon Flash Bandit (Iditarod to Burger King)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

You Don't See Us Picking up Their Poop

Turner Classic Movies has arranged a travelling exhibit entitled, Moguls & Movie Stars: A History of Hollywood. This exhibit starts in Atlanta, Georgia, and will be travelling to various parts of the United States. It chronicles the history of fim-making from 1889-1969, and it features rare movie memorabilia like the dress Vivien Leigh wore in Gone With the Wind, an Oscar statuette, and a camera from the silent film era, among many other items. It is a interactive, multimedia display. I'm sure many of the humans will enjoy seeing this exhibit, but when I read the description, I didn't see any of the real stars featured. Sure, Judy Garland is mentioned for her role in The Wizard of Oz, but what about Toto, the true star of the show? That little dog was adorable. What about Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, and King, the husky? Typical of the humans, they don't want to mention the dogs because they know how much more talented the dogs were than the humans. I suspect they cut it off in 1969 so they could leave out movies like Beethoven, Turner and Hooch, Snow Dogs, Eight Below, Hachi, Snow Buddies, the Air Bud franchise, etc. Humans just can't match us dogs in talent or intelligence so they try to leave us out of things. To quote a dog in a movie, "you don't see us picking up their (the humans) poop. Wiser words have not been uttered.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dogs Are Superior)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

RED and Marmaduke: Movie Reviews

Mommy went to see a movie yesterday, and I asked her to do a quick review of it for my readers. The movie was RED. She said it was a good movie about some retired spies who had to go back to work to solve a problem. Then she said it was blah blah blah......okay, that is not officially what she said, but how good can a movie be with no dogs in it? When I learned that there were no dogs, I immediately rated it as ND--a No Dog movie. Who would want to see it? I'm amazed she wasted her time and money going to see it? Then she actually said it was takes so little to please the humans.

Mommy did buy the combo (blu-ray and dvd) of the movie Marmaduke so Angel Zoom Smokey and myself got to see it. I recommend it highly. Dogs were the stars of the movie. There was even a husky in the movie! It has everything you would want to see in a movie--a Great Dane, a Collie, a Siberian Husky, a Chinese Crested, a Beagle, etc. It has my vote for the Oscar for best picture of the year. I also hope to see the cast up for some Oscars--not the humans of course, but the dogs. Marmaduke easily gave the best actor performance of the year. I laughed, I was on the edge of my paws, I munched on a rawhide bone. It was a GREAT movie with a GREAT dane in it. What more could a human want to see in a movie. I give it my 4 paws up and a wagging tail award--it doesn't get any better than that.

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Reviews)

Monday, October 18, 2010

Available to be Burger King Spokesdog

I read a news article that says that Burger King Corporation says that 85% of their 7,200 locations need a facelift. The facelift would cost about $500,000 per store. I want to know why the corporation is announcing this. What does the King think? Shouldn't he be the one to decide on something like that? I called his castle to see if I could get an interview, and he had no idea why that announcement would be made. If he wants it done, he will just make it a law and all the BK restaurants would have to do what the King says. I think these so called "corporate executives" are trying to upstage the Burger King, and I don't like it. They had better watch it since I did hear the King say that he might have to order them to be beheaded. You don't mess with the King!!!!! Anyway, it isn't that I really care if they remodel or not, but I do not want to see the price of my burgers go up because, if they do, the humans might get cheap and try to get me to eat the competitors burgers. This dog happens to prefer BK and I have refused to eat the competitors burgers. If BK wants to improve their market share, they need to hire me as their spokesdog. I will work for Burger King so that makes it convenient for them. You know the burgers are good if Demon Flash Bandit loves them! My opinion is so much more compelling that a facelift.

Demon Flash Bandit (Willing to be BK Spokesdog)

Saturday, October 16, 2010

My Side: I Want to Keep the Candy!

After reading my blog article yesterday, I have been getting lots of pawmail supporting my opinion from the political right. Several Conservatives have told me that I should run for political office. I know this is true, but I have to admit that my motives for giving the little human puppies job applications instead of candy was merely out of my own self interest. This dog LOVES candy, and does not like to see my humans give it away on Halloween. I have been trying to get into candy since I was a little puppy, and believe me; I do not enjoy seeing it given to a bunch of little deadbeats just because they put on a cute costume--and some of the costumes aren't even cute. Some of them dress up as monsters and vampires! Sure, the fans of the Twilight movie series might be excited to see vampires at their door, but this dog is not a fan of them. The way I see it, vampires are villains. Of course, I am not only smart, but sane as well. If a vampire tries to bite this dog's neck, he will find that I have some sharp teeth myself, and I'm not afraid to use them if the "human" tries to bite me. Anyway, it is nice to get compliments from the Republicans that read my blog. I appreciate your kind comments.

For those members of the Tea Party who wrote, let me tell you that I am honored. However, you are a third party who does not really stand much of a chance so I will only get back to you if you win--this dog has napping to do and can't be taking risks with losers.

For those Democrats who wrote in defense of child labor laws and who told me that I am wrong, I can only add that I agree with them totally on dog labor laws. This dog is not about to mush in some race unless I am racing to Burger King, and I would prefer my BK be delivered. I am much too important to be going to get it myself. I do appreciate that your party watches out for us dogs, but I've been able to fend for myself since I was about 2 months old. Some of these human puppies who come to the door are over 3 years old and still can't take care of themselves. I was amazed at how long the human puppies get to mooch off their parents.

In response to the Green Party, if you would get rid of the birds as I have suggested many times, there wouldn't be any problems with the environment.

Now that I have covered the political agenda from all sides, it is time for my nap.

The only side this dog is taking is the side that lets me keep my candy!

Demon Flash Bandit (Genius Dog)

Trick or Treat: I Would Love a Job

I have been contemplating ways to keep my candy safe from those thieving little human puppies who come by yelling trick or treat on Halloween. When Mommy was cleaning out my brother's closet, I had the brilliant plan to give the kids used clothing, books, etc. instead of candy so the little deadbeats could sell the stuff on Ebay and make their own money. Mommy gave the stuff away so that is no longer a viable option. However, a dog who possesses my genius, will always be able to come up with another idea. I think the new idea is even more intelligent than the first idea.

I have been going by places and asking for job applications and each little deadbeat is going to get his or her own job application. The candy will taste sweeter if they have had to work for it, and Demon Flash Bandit gets to keep the stash in the house. I know there are a few of you who might be saying, "Demon Flash Bandit if your humans don't mind giving out the candy, why are you so against it?". That is a stupid question that isn't even worthy of my time, but I will answer it anyway. My humans are stupid, and the candy is mine, mine, MINE. Do you know how hard it is for a dog to get candy from the humans. Sometimes Mommy doesn't even have my favorite candy on the shopping list. Those human puppies are not contributing to society. Many of them are still expecting their parents to watch out for them even though they are 2 or 3 years old. Excuse me......I could take care of myself after a couple of months. Angel Zoom Smokey is 3, and if she wants some food, she can climb up and get it for herself. The humans start out whining and being taken care of and look what happens when they grow up--they grow up complaining and whining. I say that you have to stop this behavior early by bringing them up right.

I'm sure the children will be very happy to find where they get the chance to work....I've got applications for McDonalds, Wendys, Taco Bell, and Walmart. They can stock the lower shelves at Walmart which is just right for them. I will not be handing out applications for Burger King because that is where I get my dinner, and this dog doesn't want some incompetent 4 year old messing up my order.

I have to tell you that this new concept has me looking forward to Halloweeen. By the way, I have cleverly filled in the age for the children in advance...stupid child labor laws....

Demon Flash Bandit (Job Applications--Not Hand Outs)

Friday, October 15, 2010

UFO Over Manhatten

Recently China had some UFO activity which I wrote about under the title, Interplanetary Outsourcing. Now there has been a UFO spotted over Manhatten in New York City. Of course it is quite possible that the aliens just stopped by NYC to get some carry out food. However, this dog is not going to just make assumptions without any proof so I am going to do some serious scientific research and I need to get in touch with the aliens using my special invention, the Demon Flash Bandit Interplanetary Radio. Sure, I know I named it after myself, but if you don't like it, invent your own interplanetary radio. If this dog invents a product, I get to name it. Anyway, I am going to get in touch with the UFO to see why they are hovering over Manhatten. The following will be a dialog between the aliens and myself.

DFB: Hello. Could you explain why you are here.

UFO: Hi Demon. We have heard of you throughout the universe. You are considered to be the most intelligent animal on planet Earth. To what do we owe the pleasure of chatting with you?

DFB: The humans would like to know why you are hovering over Manhatten, and it is best to tell them before they call in the military and try to zap you out of the sky.

UFO: As usual, Mr. Demon Flash Bandit, I don't know what Earth would do without you. We are not here to do any harm. We came for some cheesecake and then heard something about Bill O'Reilly being on a show here.

DFB: Yes he did put in an appearance on The View.

UFO: Can we beam him up for scientific experiments? No one on our planet believes anyone like him exists.

DFB: I'm not going to stop you, but could you do me a personal favor and not bring him back---I'm not a fan of his.

UFO: Sure, Demon Flash Bandit. We will hook him up to a virtual world about 200 years in the past. He should be happy there.

DFB: Thanks.

UFO: You are most welcome!

Another problem solved by Demon Flash Bandit. Hold the applause--wait a minute--go ahead....I love applause! By the way, on a personal note. a welcome goes out to a new baby in my extended family who was born in NYC this morning. It is always nice to welcome a new human puppy into the family.

Demon Flash Bandit (Problem Solver)

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Why Would a Human Want to be Associated with Birds?

My main mission in life if to warn the humans about birds. They are evil and plan to take over the planet. Perhaps if the humans watch Smallville, they will see what I am talking about. It seems that Lois has went to Egypt, and Superman asked Hawkman to watch over her. Hawkman ends up kissing her. What do you expect from a birdman? How many of you have heard of the Birdman of Alcatraz? He was in jail, and he liked birds. Just how much proof does a dog need to give before the humans realize just how serious this situation happens to be. I can only say that I do hope that Lois didn't catch bird flu or some other awful bird disease from Hawkman, and what birdbrain would be dumb enough to risk making Superman mad? You don't mess with Superman. Someone should tell Hawkman that.

Demon Flash Bandit (Superman Needs to Go After Hawkman)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Doggy Matrix

I'm sure some of you have seen the Matrix movie which has the humans that are really giant batteries while they live out their lives in a virtual world. Movies like that may be interesting and thought provoking, but it isn't real. Or is it? To be accurate, that is what is going on each and everyday except that dogs are in charge, and us huskies are the leaders of the dogs. Think about how much sense this makes. The humans are already doing our bidding everyday so you know we are in charge, but we let the humans live in a virtual world where they "think" they are in charge. If they were really in charge, the world would have already been blown up by now--you know how they are. Anyway, for the smart humans out there who realize what is really going on, I'm sure you appreciate our efforts on your behalf. If not for us dogs, you would live a really lousy life.

Demon Flash Bandit (Doggy Matrix)

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Demon Flash Bandit Tax

As my readers are probably already aware, if a dog goes to a store to buy dingo bones or stops at the local Burger King, they want to be paid money in exchange for their delicious treats. Sure, we dogs know how silly that is since money is paper, and I would much rather have a tasty dingo bone than a pile of paper, but that is how the humans think. This has made me spend a couple of hours thinking about how this dog could make some extra money for those items. I considered getting a job, but work sounds dull and boring, and I think the humans are crazy for spending so much of their time at jobs. Besides, if I have to show up at work, that would cut into my nap time. I could inherit money if my humans die, but that is a laugh. I once asked Mommy to take a couple million out of her bank account to buy me a few things and she said she didn't have a couple million in her bank account. I think that means that I didn't hit the jackpot financially when I got my humans, but I love them anyway.

Finally, I came upon the best idea yet. I will do what the government does. I will charge a Demon Flash Bandit tax. Tax is great because a dog can just sit back and do nothing and collect money. I'm surprised more of the humans haven't thought about charging taxes. In fact, I think many humans would think that I spend the money more wisely on dingo bones and Burger King than the government does with the taxes it receives. I might add that I think the humans would not resent paying taxes to a handsome dog rather than to an old guy in the capital. I also plan to put a toll booth at the street in front of my house. It seems to work great for so many of the cheap states who charge people to drive on their roads. I might even add a traffic light so I can bring in additional money in tickets for those who run the light. I plan to hire a couple of cats for that job. I don't think the average dog wants to be bothered with sitting there monitoring traffic. Yes, if you want to make money without having to do anything, always look to the government--all of them seem to be very good at getting money from their citizens.

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Demon Flash Bandit Tax)

Monday, October 11, 2010

Bone Museum

With Halloween fast approaching, this dog has found a museum that would be great for the holiday--that place is the Museum of Osteology in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Buy the way, osteology is the study of bones. This is a museum that any dog would be happy to visit. We do love bones. The museum has 400 skulls, 200 skeletons, a 40 foot Humpback Whale, a Kumodo Dragon, and a collection of 2 headed calves.

You might ask how the bones are prepared for the museum. The answer is that they use flesh eating beetles to strip the meat from carcasses and corpses. Although I do love bones, I think I would prefer to visit this museum via video. If the beetles eat human flesh, they might eat doggy flesh too, and this dog is not taking any chances at becoming a beetle's dinner. I doubt that my humans would take me to it anyway. I can't imagine them enjoying a museum of bones. For those of the humans who aren't squeamish about such things, it sounds like a museum that would be perfect to visit for Halloween. Just make sure that if you see any beetles, you don't let them out of the building.

Demon Flash Bandit (A Museum to Visit in Honor of Halloween)

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Dirt: It Loves Dogs

I was watching a video that was posted by one of my fellow bloggers, Gone to the Snow Dogs, and in this video, the dog, Shelby, had some dirt on her paws and mouth. Of course, the human jumped to the conclusion that Shelby had been a "bad dog". I am here to relate the story from a dog's point of view since I have seen this kind of thing happen many times in my lifetime. The human lets the dog go outside. The dog is innocently walking around the yard, maybe taking care of some kind of important doggy business, and making sure the neighborhood is safe. We dogs are always working at protecting our humans and what do we often get for our efforts? Humans telling us to quit barking is usually the outcome. Yeah, we are protecting them from every possible danger, and all they want is quiet. Don't blame the dog is a butterfly gets into the house and strangles a human in their sleep--we tried to warn them, but they wanted quiet. Anyway, the dog is just walking around the yard minding his or her own business when dirt attacks!!!! Yes, the dirt attacks the dog. The dog has nothing to do with it. It gets in the dog's mouth, it gets on his or her paws, and sometimes it even gets all over the dog's body. We dogs enjoy dirt so we understand that it is just trying to be pals with a dog so we don't want to get the dirt into trouble so we do what the humans ask us to do and keep it quiet. The dirt even jumps out of the Earth causing a hole so it will look like we have been digging. Humans, being of limited intelligence, always believe the dog was involved.

I might add that sometimes a dog does dig because a dog has farming to do. I myself have planted several bones, and when they grow into cows and pigs, there will be some good eating around here. Angel Zoom Smokey has a garden planted with chicken bones because chicken is her favorite food. If Burger King burgers had bones, I would definitely plant some of them. It would be great to go out and harvest my own burgers when I'm hungry.

I hope that other dogs and dirt are not mad at me for telling the true story of what happens when we go outside. I think it is about time it was told.

Demon Flash Bandit (Informer)

Saturday, October 9, 2010

My Conclusion

I usually check out the news on everyday, and one thing that I find interesting is that humans are allowed to comment on the news stories. Many of the comments mention "Obama types", and usually those comments are not favorable. For example, I read one about bed bugs, and several comments said that bed bugs were caused by "Obama types". Of course, this dog had to do some thinking to understand the comment, but since I am a very intelligent dog, I put all the facts together to form my conclusion. First of all, Mr. Obama is the President so he is in politics. He also tends to wear suits. Therefore, I came to the conclusion that if you own a hotel, and don't want bed bugs, do not allow the room to be rented to Congressmen and Senators because politicians must be what the comments mean by "Obama types". I've even heard plenty of the humans talk about how politicians are sleazy types so I think this dog has come to the right conclusion--as always. I think it would be wise not to let corporate executives have a room also--they tend to wear suits and hang out with the politicians.

To be fair, the article didn't say that any particular group was at fault for bed bugs which makes me wonder--do some people who comment even read what they are commenting on? Perhaps they just have too much time on their paws. I would suggest they do something useful with their time like learn to read. It would make their comments sound more intelligent. Of course, with humans making comments, you can only get so much intelligence--it isn't like they are dogs.

Demon Flash Bandit (Politicians: Not Popular Group)

Friday, October 8, 2010

Interplanetary Outsourcing

For those of you who saw the item on the Internet news about the UFO seen over China, which is just the latest in a string of sightings, I am here to put every one's mind at ease on the subject. As many humans living in the United States are well aware, many jobs that used to be done here are being outsourced to China, India, and other small nations around the world because the people in those countries are willing to work for cheaper wages. China has become one of the main places where those jobs are shipped. Do you really think space aliens wouldn't hear about it while they are hanging around our atmosphere out in space? The UFOs are carrying corporate representatives from their planet to negotiate having their products made in China. They even have alien transportation methods so that shipping will be a cinch--they can just teleport the objects back to their planet. The next time you see a report about a UFO over China, don't worry about it. You know it is just an alien corporation trying to save money on production costs. I refer to it as Interplanetary Outsourcing.

I will admit that not all the UFOs are here with corporate representatives. Some of them, particularly those seen in other countries, are here to try one of our Earth restaurants. If they had any sense, they would be at Burger King, home of the Whopper. You can't get any better food than a delicious burger from Burger King. I have been eating them since I was a puppy, and I might add that Burger King had the good sense to get the rights to use children's meal toys from Marmaduke and Cats and Dogs II. Great burgers and good taste in toy products--what more can you ask for from a restaurant? If I happen to see an alien when I go to Burger King, I'll say hello from everyone. It is always a good idea to make a good impression on strangers.

Demon Flash Bandit (Interplanetary Outsourcing)

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Corporate Greed--Not Global Concern

Some of the humans are concerned about global warming. This is a serious problem that might be fixed if only they listened to my words of wisdom and eradicated birds from the planet. Those little snow stealing varmints are the reason for global warming. Just think about it, what happens in spring when they start singing? The snow disappears. You don't honestly think it just vanishes, do you? It disappears because the birds steal it. I have mentioned this often, but the word is still not out in the human community. The humans think they can fix the problem by conserving and "going green" which brings me to today's topic. When companies "go green" how many of them are trying to help the planet (which can only be helped by getting rid of birds) or are they just using the whole concept to their advantage? Case in point: some hotels now don't wash the linens everyday because they are doing their part to conserve water and resources. Am I the only dog who thinks that they are being lazy and cheap? By cutting back on employees and the cost of laundering the linens, they save money. I know bedbugs are not caused by a lack of cleanliness, but it is an odd coincidence that when many hotels are not washing their linens as much, you start reading stories on the Internet about hotels having bedbugs? These bugs have all but disappeared for decades, and then suddenly, they are back. You know the bugs are lazy because they hang out in bed all day so getting rid of them shouldn't be that difficult. Probably all you need to do is offer them a job and they will be out of your life. Dirtier linens and possible bed bugs--not exactly a combination that makes a dog want to stay in a hotel.

Another corporate trend in the retail world is self check out in stores. Why would a human want to bother checking himself out so that the store can save money by cutting back on cashiers? It isn't even like they offer you a 1% discount for doing the work yourself or anything. You still pay the normal price, and the prices have not gone down in the stores that have them. The customer just gets the added work of checking out his or her own items. The humans will put up with most anything, won't they? My humans still go to the cashiers to check out. They said they will not be a part of adding more humans to the unemployment line so some family like the ones who own Walmart can buy another airplane. I am very proud of my humans because they think like dogs at times. I have trained them well.

Demon Flash Bandit (Corporate Greed is Not Good)

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Halloween Strategy

I have devised a strategy to keep the trick or treaters out of the candy. It will take a little work on the part of Angel Zoom Smokey and myself, but keeping our candy safe is worth the effort. First, we are going to dig a big ditch around the house. This will be the enjoyable work since we like to dig anyway, and are very accomplished at it. Then we will fill it with water and put alligators in the water. If the human puppies manage to get through our moat, we will be standing in the window with bow and arrow ready to send a message to the little thieves. You don't come to our house expecting a dog's candy without consequences. This inspiration came when Jeff was watching Robin Hood, but we will have some machine guns backing us up in case the arrows aren't enough. Some human puppies can be quite persistent when it comes to getting candy. Of course, my humans know nothing about this plan. The humans are always happily giving away the candy when you think they would have enough sense to hoard it for themselves. After Howloween, I will send the gators to Gatorland in Orlando, FL so they can be with their relatives. They can come up and visit again next Howloween. I arranged all this with George the Gator who owns most of northern Florida judging by the souvenir shops that he owns along the expressway. By the way, I am suggesting to Mommy that she give out Mike and Ike's this year since that is one of my favorite candies.

Autumn is in the air and this brings a dog's mind to the Cider Mills. Why haven't we visited one yet? This dog could stand a couple of tasty doughnuts or an apple covered in fudge and caramel. Michigan does have delightfully tasty apple cider. I have never visited a cider mill, but I would love to go. I hope it isn't one of those annoying businesses that does not allow dogs. Since most of the doughnuts are eaten outside, I think a dog should be allowed. The health department can't exactly ban us from outside. This dog could use an outing.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Candy)

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Good Fortune and Good Decorating--All in One Blog

I have some exciting news to share with my readers. Mommy and Jeff ate at the Chinese restaurant yesterday, and as usual, they brought home their fortune cookies to Angel Zoom Smokey and myself. We LOVE fortune cookies, and in the past the fortunes have been amazingly accurate. My fortune yesterday was: "Something on four wheels will soon be a fun investment for you". I was so excited when I read that---I am getting a car!!!!! I have wanted to drive since I was a puppy, but I never expected to get my own car!!!!! I just thought I would have to drive the humans' car. Now, thanks to the fortune, I know I will be getting my OWN car. I'm so excited I can hardly wait until this prediction comes true. Imagine me, Demon Flash Bandit, cruising down the road in my new car. I hope it is a convertible. I loved riding in Daddy's convertible. I didn't even have to stick my head out the window to feel the wind in my fur. To show what a great dog I am, I'll even let Angel Zoom Smokey ride in the passenger seat.

On the home front, I have decided to put myself in charge of holiday decorating for Howloween. I plan to go and catch some decorations. I plan to decorate with the usual things--dead birds (my favorite), dead rats, dead possums, etc. because I plan to have a dead varmint motif. The best thing about the decorating scheme is that Angel Zoom Smokey and myself will have lots of bones to munch on after the holiday. I have to admit that I am hoping the dead varmint motif will scare the little trick or treaters into avoiding the house and then all the candy will be mine, mine, mine, MINE!!!!! My humans are idiots. I say the human puppies are stealing the candy, but my humans are accessories. They stand there like idiots just giving it to the children and the children don't even have guns or anything to make my humans give the candy to them. If a child got candy from Angel Zoom Smokey or myself, they had better have a gun on them and be ready to use it. We don't give up candy easily.

Demon Flash Bandit (Howloween Decorating Coordinator)

Monday, October 4, 2010

I'm Waiting for my Royalty Check

Reese's Peanutbutter cups are airing a commercial from which I am expecting a royalty check. It says that only bad thing about Howloween is giving away your Reeses Peanutbutter cups. I've been saying that every Howloween since I was a puppy so it is my intellectual property. Knowing the human justice system, I will be cheated out of my royalty checks simply because I'm a dog. Most great inventions have been the result of dogs. Do you really think humans are smart enough to think of these things? They just sit back and wait for their dogs to invent something and then they take it from their dog. Howloween always annoys me. I enjoy seeing the human puppies come by dressed in their costumes, but I see no need in letting them steal my candy just because they are wearing a costume. The humans even say chocolate is bad for you (not that all Howloween candy is chocolate), but the humans will say anything to keep some foods for themselves, and chocolate is way to popular with the humans for them to want to give it to their dogs. Anyway, I will be checking the mailbox everyday for my royalty check.

Mommy was cleaning out my human brother's closet and I came up with a brilliant idea--why not give the trick or treaters old clothes, books, etc. instead of candy. They can go home and list the stuff on Ebay and learn to make their own money instead of stealing my candy. I told Mommy my genius plan, and she still donated the clothing anyway. I don't think the humans would know a genius plan if it bit them on the butt. My idea would help the little deadbeats learn to make money and pull their weight in their homes. Some of these children are 3 and 4 and still have no job--they are just staying home and living off their parents. I would teach them to be little business humans, and the Howloween candy would still be here for Angel Zoom Smokey and myself to confiscate.

I had better go and check the mail. Until tomorrow.....

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Blood Just Wants to Have Fun

First, I would like to thank my guest blogger, and adopted sister, Angel Zoom Smokey, for writing a guest blog for me in my absence. Angel Zoom Smokey has started her own blog which, for those who might be interested, can be found at Angel, like myself also writes the occasional blog for a new site that is owned by one of our husky pals, Cairo, My human secretary, Mommy, who is the one who types what I dictate was in the hospital. By the way, doesn't Demon Flash Bandit, dictator have a nice ring to it? At least I think it does. Anyway, Mommy had a blood clot and from what I understand, that means that all the blood got together to throw a party. Since the medical community's main purpose in life is to keep the humans from having a good time, they couldn't stand to see the blood having fun so they had to put a stop to it. Mommy said she spent 4 days being a human pin cushion. I'm not sure what a pin cushion is, but it does not sound good to me. Anyway, Mommy is back and the world will continue to be able to read my words of husky wisdom everyday again now. If Mommy didn't work free, I might have to replace her, but you know how it is when you hire relatives---you can't really fire them or they will get their feelings hurt, and you look like a jerk.

For the most part, dogs are not allowed in hospitals (with some exceptions), but I cleverly disguised myself as a human. It isn't that hard to do. I put on some clothes, and I put on a wig and a mustache. My blue eyes are an advantage in fooling the humans. If they even thought I might be a dog, one look at my eyes makes them think they were stupid to think I might be a dog. It also pays to act a bit stupider than usual since humans aren't as intelligent as the average dog. Normally, I do not like to wear clothing. In fact, I am against it, but I wanted to visit Mommy and observe the hospital procedures to make sure they were up to my canine standards.

My first observation is that the free chicken is nice, but there is no Burger King burgers on the menu or even served in the hospital. How do they expect the patients to get well if they can't eat Burger King? I know I would not want to be in a hospital that did not serve me Burger King.

I do have some concerns that Mommy even shared with me. With all the pollution on the planet, sticking the humans with needles so many times seems to be just adding more bio-hazard waste to the environment. Mommy was willing to do her part to avoid this unnecessary problem, but the drs. kept ordering it to be done. Someone needs to explain to them that they are polluting the environment with all the needles, and if the patients tell them their blood if fine, taking their word for it would create less trash to throw out into the environment.

Some of you might be surprised to learn that I, Demon Flash Bandit, happen to be a doctor myself. The only difference is that my MD degree (Medical Dog degree), is far more prestigious than the human MD degree. The human MD degree, if from a prestigious university stands for Mister Doctor degree. If the medical degree is from a community college, it means that the degree stands for Mediocre Doctor degree. As I understand it, most human doctors are required to attend 4 years of college before they can hang out their shingle to practice medicine. However, you should always check that sheepskin sometimes the ones who got their MDs after 2 years of community college can be good at sounding like they have a full 4 year degree. In fact, if the dr. comes from a family that raises sheep, he might get a sheepskin with only high school. It is wise to make sure you pick a good doctor.

I am glad to be back to the blogging community, and I hope Mommy doesn't cause me to miss blogging again. The whole problem would be solved if the humans would just stay well.

Demon Flash Bandit (Doctor Demon Flash Bandit)