Monday, February 28, 2011

Charlie Sheen and Last Veteran of World War I

It is nice to know that Charlie Sheen's publicist, Stan Rosenfield, has been reading my blog because he quit his job. I guess putting a muzzle on Charlie is a lot harder than he realized. I will admit that it is a job that this dog wouldn't want to have because I think Charlie Sheen just might bite the person who tries to put on the muzzle. I am wondering if he had his rabies shots because he seems to be suffering from rabies because if anyone has gone "mad", it is him. Has anyone seen him foaming at the mouth yet? Let's face it, he is one crazy guy. I suppose that there will be no new Major League franchise movies with Charlie as the star since the producer of the franchise has said that he "is being difficult". I think that is the understatement of the year! I hope he has some money saved up because I don't think he has a chance of winning the 320 million dollars he is suing over, and I suspect he won't be working much in the future unless he can master the lines, would you like fries with your burger?

It makes me feel good to know that so many humans are reading my blog. However, I don't want to spend my time writing about crazy humans so I will move onto another subject. It seems that Frank Buckles recently died at the age of 110. He is the last veteran of World War I. The United States Veterans Affairs has announced that all veterans from World War I have been granted monetary compensation for any health problems caused by mustard gas or any of the other poisonous gases used during that war. It is a coincidence that this compensation has been offered after all the veterans of the war have died. I'm sure they meant to do it sooner.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Blogger)

Charlie Sheen: Is he Really "Special"?

I have been seeing a lot of news about Charlie Sheen on the Internet lately. I like the show, Two and a Half Men. I like Charlie Sheen. However, I do feel sorry for him because he sounds like he is ready for the men with the white coats and the straight jacket to take him to the rubber room where he can chat with others like himself. I'm sure he will fit right in talking with Napoleon, Jesus, and all the other residents of the mental hospital who have delusions of grandeur. I could understand his attitude if he were a dog, but he is a mere human, and as thus, he is exhibiting what I refer to technically as "off his rocker" behavior. I could understand if he had a "dog complex"--that is a common psychological term for humans who get so full of themselves that they think they are dogs. However, he never mentioned being a dog so you know he is really insane.

I have a couple of suggestions for the humans who are dealing with him. First, a muzzle would be a good place to start. This is a common thing to treat dogs who have a problem with biting or even barking too much. I think Charlie Sheen fits into the "barking too much " category. I am amazed that his agent hasn't put a muzzle on him and tied him up to keep him from talking to the press. It is a well known fact that insane people don't realize how insane they sound to everyone else so that is the job of the sane people love them to have a muzzle ready. If he weren't famous, he would not have to worry as much. You seldom see the media hanging out on the street asking homeless people their opinions so they can be insane and not have anyone cover their insanity.

I think it would be a good idea for Mel Gibson to get together with Charlie Sheen and maybe invite Tom Cruise over. Perhaps they can all jump up and down on a couch together. That would be coverage this dog would love to see. Then I could also explain to my humans that jumping on the couch is normal behavior and I should be allowed to do so whenever I am in the mood.

I do hope he gets some help, but from what I see, I think the television show is over. One fact that you can take to the bank: do not constantly criticize your boss on nationwide television. Bosses don't tend to enjoy being criticized in private, and doing it on television is like asking not to have a job anymore. I wish him well, and I will miss Two and a Half Men, but I've always thought the show could have been improved if it were Two and a Half Dogs!

Demon Flash Bandit (A Sane View of the World)

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Geese: Humans Mad at Them for the Wrong Reason

There is a school in Missouri that has had a problem with allowing children to play outside on the playground because geese have been hanging out there and leaving behind their poop. Sure, this dog thinks school is a waste of a dog's time. When you take the humans to obedience school, they take forever to learn anything because humans don't think they have to listen to a dog. It takes a long time for them to understand that a dog is supposed to be in charge. Anyway, the humans have found a way to solve the problem. They put a cutout of a coyote who looks like he has a goose in his mouth and it has solved the problem--or so they think. If I know anything about the evil birds--and I do. There will be more trouble in the future. I would venture a guess that the geese are busy forming a geese army and preparing their weapons to do battle with that coyote. When they discover that the coyote is a decoy, there will be trouble. The school should skip the fake coyote and go with dogs. We know how to fight the evil birds, and we could keep them away. Of course, knowing how silly the humans are, they would probably start complaining that there is dog poop on the playground. Sometimes you just can't please the humans. They are odd. Personally, I don't see where poop is a bad thing; but as usual. the humans have bad taste.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Knows Birds Are Evil)

Friday, February 25, 2011

Investment Advice

Many dogs have written and asked me for advice about investments. This is normal when you are a highly successful dog such as myself. I am glad to share my advice with other dogs. One of the most important rules for investment is to diversify. If you stick with one investment, you run the risk of losing everything if it doesn't do well. This isn't just advice from me. Most financial experts suggest diversification.

I also think you should invest in companies that make products that you feel are good products. My own "portfolio" is fully diversified, and it includes only products worthy of my endorsement. This is why I am invested in Burger King, Dingo bones, Milkbones, dog toys, Yummy Chummies, Beggin' Strips, and various other products too numerous to mention. The best thing about my "portfolio" is that it has nothing to do with Wall Street. My "portfolio" is scattered throughout the house or it is in my tummy. That is what I call the best investments. You can enjoy them. Some of the humans invest in "stock" which is just stupid paper that isn't good to eat and you can't play with it. I think my investments are more practical and enjoyable.

On a separate subject, I would call the governor of Wisconsin a doodyhead, but quite frankly, that is an insult to doody.

Demon Flash Bandit (Investment Advice)

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Evil Robot Vacuum Cleaners

I was reading about a retired army colonel, John Alexander, who says that UFOs are real. He has written a book on the subject. I have known this since I was a puppy. In fact, we have an alien creature in our house which has infiltrated our home to the point that I don't even think the humans realize it is an extraterrestrial. In fact, just about every home has one, and the humans are totally clueless as to its origin. That item is an evil robot vacuum cleaner from the planet, Dustiless, which is from a galaxy far, far away!!! These alien robots have been sneaking into our society for so many years that the humans even "invite" them into their homes. The humans may be easily fooled, but not us dogs. We know they are evil robots from another planet. In fact, most dogs will bark incessantly whenever they are turned on. I'm still wondering why the humans turn them on in the first place, but humans aren't as smart as dogs. Anyway, the evil alien robots make a lot of noise and then they steal all a dog's favorite things--dirt, our fur that is laying around the house, crumbs, etc. The saddest thing about their thefts is that the humans don't even mind them being thieves. They act like the things the evil robots take make the place look better. Again, dogs differ with their opinion. What is a dog to do? When the humans aren't looking, try biting the stupid robot vacuum cleaner. Remember, it is a dog's job to protect their human from his own stupidity. Good luck and remember, robot vacuum cleaners can be clever. Don't let them fool you into thinking they are okay. They are EVIL!

Demon Flash Bandit (Protecting my Humans From Evil Robot Vacuum Cleaners)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

BAD QUEEN LADY!!! BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's blog is an announcement that I will not be attending the royal wedding as I had originally planned. I was very annoyed that President and Michelle Obama had been snubbed by the royal family. I would still attend since I had told the Queen Lady that I would be there and I'm a dog of honor. However, when I got the invitations and found that she had snubbed Angel Zoom Smokey and my humans, my patience ran out. She had promised to include Angel Zoom Smokey, and Angel is one husky you don't leave out if you want Demon Flash Bandit to attend. Since the Queen Lady did not keep her promise to me and did not act with honor, I feel that I am justified in not going to the wedding. Sure, I know it will hurt the royal family, but they should have thought about the consequences before they acted so stupidly.

Besides, I found out that they are serving the "traditional" royal fruitcake at the wedding. Fruitcake is not served at weddings!!!! I don't care how traditional it is. Some traditions should be broken because they are stupid. Fruitcake is a Christmas item that you give as a gift. It is always a gift because no one in their right mind would buy it for themselves. Generally, it is given to the people you don't particularly like, but they are on your Christmas list and you have to get them something. I won't buy them as gifts myself because, I think even the dumbest of the humans know that it is a stupid gift to receive. However, they are great for the person who has everything because they can always give it to someone else the following year. There are 200 year old fruitcakes that are still being given as gifts each year. In fact, if they carbon dated a fruitcake and found it was originally made in ancient Egypt, it would not surprise me at all. You can't even get a dog to eat fruitcake and some dogs aren't even very picky, but they do draw the line at fruitcake. Even starving dogs have their standards! Anyway, I thought you might like to read the letter I am sending to the Queen Lady explaining why I won't be attending.

Dear Queen Lady,
I will not be attending the royal wedding because you did not include my adopted sister, Angel Zoom Smokey or my humans. I was annoyed enough that you left out the Obamas, but you stepped over the line when you left out my family. You had promised me that I could bring 3 guests. I can only assume you are being cheap. I understand about your budget which is how we became friends in the first place. I wrote and offered you a job mowing my yard. You wrote back because you appreciated my thoughtfulness, and we became friends. As a dog of honor, I would come but since you didn't keep your promise, I feel that it is okay if I don't keep mine. I also read that you are going to serve fruitcake at the wedding which only reinforces my idea that you are being cheap. No one eats fruitcake so you know that it will be "leftover". My guess is that you will make a cardboard fake cake which will be cheaper than the real thing since no one eats fruit cake anyway. I hope you realize that the monarchy is in trouble. What is the press going to say when Demon Flash Bandit does not attend? When I am asked for interviews, and I will be.....I will tell the truth. No one should be a monarch if they annoy Demon Flash Bandit. Yes, you heard me. You have been a bad Queen Lady. I would not be surprised if I read in the newspaper that you had been caught peeing on the carpet and blaming your dogs. BAD QUEEN LADY! BAD! I WILL RUB YOUR NOSE IN IT!
Love, Demon Flash Bandit

I hope this makes the Queen Lady realize how much trouble she has caused.

Demon Flash Bandit (Not Attending the Royal Wedding)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I Want My Own Radio Show!

This dog wants a radio show of my own. I think it is about time I bark my views to the world. I have a good reason that I should have one. If the human, Rush Limbaugh, can have his own show, why do I not have a show of my own? He is always saying something that would be better left unsaid. For example, he is now criticizing Michelle Obama because of her "let's move" campaign. Don't get me wrong-I love junk food myself. I love my Burger King, and believe me, Michelle Obama does not want to tell me I can't have them because I would not take it well. However, it is a good idea to encourage the other humans to eat nutritional foods, and get some exercise. It isn't like she is sending the exercise and tofu police to make sure anyone does it. All the first ladies have some kind of thing they do try to improve things. Lady Bird Johnson was on a campaign to encourage people to "keep America beautiful". As a dog, I think throwing interesting trash out of the car is great, but my dog ancestors did not go after Lady Bird because all the humans have bad taste when it comes to decorating. I might add that I don't have to tell my loyal readers that I don't even like birds! Normally, I wouldn't pay any attention to Limbaugh mainly because I feel he is the ultimate in hypocrisy, yet he loves to accuse everyone else of being a hypocrite. He is for family values, but the last I counted (and this was more than a decade ago), he had been divorced 3 times. He has had a drug problem. Now he is saying Mrs. Obama is too fat--does he not look into a mirror? I happen to be the right size, but my humans could stand to lose some weight so they know it isn't easy, and some thin humans eat lots more than they should. They just have better metabolisms. However, Limbaugh is human, and all the humans have faults. The thing that makes me annoyed with him is that he is so quick to point out the faults of others when he is often worse. To put the words of Jesus into more modern terminology, you should get your own life straightened out before you tell everyone else how to live. It is amazing how little the Conservatives listen to the very religion they claim to believe. With all this in mind, I'm expecting a phone call tomorrow to offer me my own radio show. I think I would be a lot nicer and a lot more entertaining than that clown, Limbaugh. Sorry, I mean no offense to clowns!

Demon Flash Bandit (Waiting for an Offer for My Own Radio Show)

Monday, February 21, 2011

Dogs: Smarter than the Average Human! news today had a film clip about a "conspiracy" not to recognize Alexander Hamilton's Presidency. It seems that some people think that he was a President, and there has been a conspiracy to cover up that fact. Although he is on the $10 bill, he was never a President. I know that some of the people did not think that history books can be trusted, but it is historical fact. When an event happened within the past 300 years, it is much harder for it to be clouded in mystery. Sure, you might get some erroneous information in a book about something that happened thousands of years ago, but I can guarantee that there would be a lot of people passing the information onto their children who would pass it onto their children. I have no doubt that there are some conspiracies in the world, but this was not a conspiracy at all, but just a bunch of humans who really aren't well informed on the subject of history. I might add that the ones who thought he invented the telephone are really misinformed. (That was Alexander Graham Bell.) He also did not take over the ancient world. I'm sure many people give him credit for that.

This dog thinks that the founding fathers, who originally only allowed property owning males to vote had the right idea. Sure, I think that everyone should be afforded the right to vote. However, I think that there should be some kind of national test to determine eligibility. That test should be for everyone--very much like a citizenship test for new citizens. Everyone should have the right to vote, but if a person is so uninformed that they don't know the basic facts about the government, I do think that it would be best if they didn't vote. I can only assume that this is why the humans are in charge. I think if only well informed humans and dogs could vote, that dogs would be in charge. No wonder the country has problems. Dogs don't stand a chance of being President because of all the misinformed humans!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dogs-Smarter than the Average Human)

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Star Trek: The Avian Factor

I just watched a video which shows my warnings about bird takeover are real. The video is a clip in which the crew of the Starship Enterprise (Next Generation) have become addicted to a video game called Angry Birds. It is called "The Avian Factor". This addiction is an attempt by aliens to take over Star Fleet. The video can be viewed at . I hope that people will begin to listen to my many warnings about the birds and their plans for world domination. I'm sure that, once the aliens have conquered Star Fleet, the birds will then go after the aliens that are "helping" them now. Birds cannot be trusted!

According to the Internet news, the royal wedding invitations have been mailed. I think being the Queen does have its advantages. The invitation says "The Lord Chamberlain is commanded by the Queen to invite....... The Queen Lady has almost as much power as a dog. I know I often command my humans to do things which they do because I told them to. I already know that I am invited since the Queen Lady and I are such close pals. However, I do think it was unwise not to invite the Obamas and Bo, the first dog. I'm sure the Obamas are okay with not going, but I think the Queen should realize that leaving out a very powerful leader of a country with which her country is a friend could have some serious repercussions with the citizens of that country. Sure, I'm happy she invited me, but if I had known she was leaving out our President, I doubt that I would have accepted the invitation. Since I have already given my word that I will be there and I'm a dog of honor, I will still go. However, you can be sure the Queen Lady will be getting a "barking at" when I get there.

Demon Flash Bandit (Birds Are Evil)

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Interview With Bow-Nessie, The "Sea Monster"

Recent photos of Bow-Nessie, were on the Internet news today. Bow-Nessie is the "monster" that inhabits Lake Windermere, England's largest lake. Bow-Nessie is not really a monster. The humans like to give that title to anything they don't understand. I've met Bow-Nessie and I've found Bow to be a very charming companion. In fact, the reason Bow is being seen more now is that he has received his invitation to the upcoming royal wedding, and Bow knows that he will have to make a couple of appearances prior to attending because the humans scare easily. This way, he will get them used to seeing him before the big event. If he just showed up at the wedding without any previous photos, the humans might act like those humans act in the Godzilla films. Bow has no intention of destroying London so he wants to make sure the humans know about his attendence in advance. I was able to get an interview with Bow and I am going to share it with my readers.

Demon: Hi Bow. It is nice to meet you. How long have you lived in the lake?
Bow: I'm not sure since we "sea monsters" don't really measure time like the humans. We don't even have watches or clocks.
Demon: What do you eat?
Bow: Fish. There are lots of them in the lake.
Demon: Have you ever thought of moving?
Bow: No, it would be too much trouble.
Demon: How do you feel about fishermen?
Bow: They don't bother me. Their poles aren't strong enough to catch me.
Demon: Can you survive on land?
Bow: Yes, but I have to carry a special tank that is kind of opposite of the kind the humans use for scuba diving.
Demon: I wasn't aware that you had that kind of technology.
Bow. Of course, we do. We are a very advanced culture.
Demon: Does this mean that you aren't the only one?
Bow: Of course I'm not the only one. In fact, we start out as those sea creatures that the humans sell in the back of comic books. Once we get into a large body of water, we get really big.
Demon: Are you looking forward to the royal wedding?
Bow: I am so thrilled to be invited. Will you be there?
Demon: Yes, the Queen Lady asked me personally to be there.
Bow: I look forward to seeing you there.
Demon: Same here. Have a good swim!

I am proud to be the first person to be granted an interview with Bow-Nessie. I hope my readers now understand the creature better. He is not a monster, but just a regular guy like the rest of us.

Demon Flash Bandit (Doing Interviews)

Friday, February 18, 2011

The World Needs to Have Dogs in Charge

This dog wants to go on record as supporting the labor unions for the public workers in Wisconsin. I notice that whenever a company or a government is in financial trouble, they want to blame their mistakes on their employees. However, in the state of Wisconsin, according to what I read, the state has a deficit of 3.6 billion dollars and the concessions that they want from the union will save them 300 million dollars. I know that 300 million will help, but it sounds like only the tip of the iceberg to me. Who is actually responsible for the state not having enough money? Isn't that the fault of the people running the state, which is the legislature who is blaming the unions? Sure, I know that there is a recession, and many states are not getting the tax dollars they once received, but the working people are the ones who spend their money on survival. The rich humans at the top are the ones who can hoard their money because they don't need it. In addition, I did not see one item in the news about any of the people in the legislature wanting to cut their salaries even though they are essentially the one who spent the money that shouldn't have been spent. It seems to this dog that particularly in a recession, the best thing to do to get out of it is to make sure people are working and earning money. I'm sure most of the unions will be willing to make concessions if asked--the auto workers have done it when the companies are in financial trouble, but they agreed to it--it was not forced on them.

Unions aren't perfect. In fact, very little in this world is perfect because it is being run by humans. I still wonder why dogs aren't running things, but I think it is because if we were in charge, things would be so much better that it would make the humans fell like utter failures. The thing that bothers me is the lack of simple common sense among the humans. (I like to call it common dog sense.) If unions didn't exist, many of the humans working at jobs that don't have unions wouldn't make as much. The employers do have to compete in the labor market, and if you think the companies want to pay their employees more, I have a non evil bird I want to sell you. It is an employers job to pay as little as necessary. Sure, there are some that are more generous than others, but basically, they watch the profit margin and that is their bottom line. This is why so many jobs are being outsourced from the United States to other countries. I don't like this because, in my opinion, they are taking jobs away from people here and they are taking unfair advantage of other countries citizens, which often ends up resulting in resentment and even war. There are some humans who will never have enough money. They can have more money than they could ever spend, and it still won't be enough--and these are the humans who are usually rich and in charge. If you think they are watching out for their fellow humans, you are mistaken. I still say that the world would be a better place with dogs in charge. We don't worry about accumulating stuff. We just want food, treats, some toys, a tummy rub, and we are happy. We know what is important in life. The humans really don't understand what the important things in life really are which is probably why so many of them are unhappy.

Demon Flash Bandit (Talking Common Dog Sense)

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Sled Teams are Best

"In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team."

I'm sure many of you are familiar with this opening line from the television show, The A-Team. This made me wonder, what if you have a problem and can't find The A-Team? I came to conclusion that if you can't get The A-Team, you would need to call in the B-Team. I'm not sure how a team of bees would help a situation. Perhaps having them sting the bad guys, particularly if they are allergic to bee stings could solve the problem. However, after doing some research on the Internet, I found that the B-Team is also a couple of humans who did a movie that was released as The Other Guys. The working title for that movie was the B Team. Imagine calling in Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg to solve your problems for you? If they can't solve the problem, at least they will make you laugh, and that makes a problem seem a lot better when seen with a sense of humor.

If they aren't available, then you could call in the C-Team, but if it gets to the point where you have to call in the F-Team, I'd give up. The F-Team never wins because they are failures. I won't even talk about the desperate humans who go through the entire alphabet and call in the Z-Team. When you have to call the Z-Team, it is just sad.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Will Only Join a Sled Team)

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Money Saving Tips

Since the recession has affected many of the humans, and even the Queen Lady has had to cut back on household expenses, I thought I would do a public service by sharing some money saving tips. These tips aren't used in this household, but my humans do know someone who does use them.

1. First and foremost, when buying food, never buy the name brands. If you can find the food in the dumpster outside the store, that food is free. This saves a lot of money that you can use for more important things.

2. Never buy aluminum foil, wet wipes, paper towels, napkins, or toilet paper. These are all luxury items that should never be purchased. However, they can be salvaged from things that other people, who are wasteful, throw away since most humans don't bother to reuse these items. A little dirt never killed anyone.

3. When gift giving occasions occur, always save the gift wrap from the gifts that you receive. Gift wrap can be reused hundreds of times. Also, name tags are unnecessary. You can write the information directly on the paper. It won't fall off, and it makes the package delightfully different from the rest. I'm amazed Martha Stewart hasn't thought of it.

4. Wonderful gifts can be purchased at the nice stores that charge no more than one dollar for anything in the store. Who wouldn't be delighted to receive a couple of peanut butter crackers as a gift?

5. Try to make sure one member of the family works for some kind of fast food franchise so that they can grab the delicious food that is thrown away. It saves hundreds on the grocery bill.

6. Water costs money so if you need to wash your hands or brush your teeth, use the toilet water that is available to save money over having to turn on the faucet. This could save you as much as $10.00 in a lifetime.

7. If you should need a band-aid, don't fall for those ones at the store that cost money. Find some old rag and wrap it around the cut. You don't need tape either--tie a couple of strips of old rag around it to keep in place. It is nice if the rag is clean, but this is not a perfect world. Use what you have.

Now I bet the next thing you are thinking is, what do you do with all the extra money you have saved? Invest it? No, of course not. You buy a new car so you can look rich. Then you spend the rest on a trip to the nearest casino where you put it into slot machines and hope to become rich.

How did humans get put in charge over dogs? I mean the money saving tips are okay with me, but I'd spend my money on Burger King and dingo bones, as would any other dog!

Demon Flash Bandit (Doing a Public Service Blog)

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Humans Need to Learn to Have Fun!

Angel Zoom Smokey and myself both received plush squeaky sheep for Valentine's Day, and we both enjoyed our special toys. Each of us got a fortune cookie, and as usual, I will share our fortunes with my readers. My fortune says that I will be very lucky. I was pleased with that fortune, and Angel's fortune said she would start a new project, which has already happened. Yes, she has already started annoying me with yet another of her "projects". The latest project is trying to take my new toy.

Mommy went to see the movie, The King's Speech yesterday, and here is the movie review. It was an excellent movie. I personally don't think I would want to be a member of the royal family because it sounds like it is just too much trouble. I'm sure the dogs in the royal family don't mind because the people aren't constantly bugging them, but the humans that are royalty are always being judged by their subjects, and that can get very tiring. I bet they can't even nap whenever they feel like it either. What is the point of being royalty if it isn't fun?

The Westminster Dog Show is continuing today, and although I enjoy the show, it is similar to being royalty. It is way too much trouble for a dog to have to be good during the show. I think the show would be improved if they added a mud fight or something of similar interest to dogs.

I have to go now. When I start writing about naps, I begin to realize that it would be better to take one than talk about a nap.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Enjoys a Good Nap)

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day to all my readers. I know my humans have a surprise for me that I will get later today. I hope the surprise involves some new toys and treats.
Since it is Valentine's Day and the news has the announcement that Prince William's Best Man will be his brother, Prince Harry. I want to let everyone know that Prince William wanted me to be the Best Man, but I declined. I think it is best that he choose his brother. I hate getting dressed up. I don't have to be quite so formal if I'm just sitting in the audience. Besides, I hate having to stand on my paws when I can be sitting down resting. This dog likes to relax which is why I take my naps very seriously.
In local news, there is the continuing controversy over whether the citizens of Michigan should be called Michiganders or Michiganians. I prefer Michidogs, but I don't think the humans deserve to be called dogs. It is too much of an honor to bestow that title on a human.
I need to get back to napping so I will be awake and alert for my Valentine's Day surprise!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Surprises)

Sunday, February 13, 2011

How to Look Elegant and "Classy"

Since this dog happens to be friends with so many celebrities, including the Queen of England, I get email from my readers asking me how they can decorate their homes and yards so that they will look elegant and "cultured". I am going to save time by answering this question in my blog for everyone to read.

I have found that the secret to an elegant yard is to have some plastic pink flamingos decorating said yard. Nothing says class and sophistication like a bunch of pink flamingos in the yard. Sure, it would be great if you could afford flamingos designed by Don Featherstone in your yard, but don't let a budget keep you from reaching your goal. The next time Walmart has a batch of plastic flamingos, get them while they are available. Better yet, ask the manager of Walmart for them. If enough humans ask for them, I'm sure the CEO of Walmart will make sure some company starts manufacturing them. You'll be glad you got them when people drive by your yard, and give that envious look that the humans get when they know they can't live up to your standards.

Don't let the elegance stop at the yard. has all sorts of wonderful flamingo items for you to buy. It offers everything from a pink flamingo purse to rugs for the inside of your home. Yes, you can continue the flamingo motif throughout your home. There are even flamingo Christmas ornaments for the Christmas tree. Other humans will know how much class you have when they enter your house and see so many flamingo items. My own Mommy has a pair of flamingo earrings. This is why I know she has good taste.

I hope this blog has helped the humans out there learn how to look classy.

Demon Flash Bandit (Pink Flamingos--Always in Good Taste)

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Royal Invitation to the Private Dinner Dance

Imagine my happiness at getting another letter from Queen Elizabeth II, who I refer to as the Queen Lady. As usual, I will share the letter with my readers.

Dear Demon Flash Bandit,
I am looking forward to seeing you at my grandson's wedding. I was so glad to get the RSVP telling us that you would attend. I can't tell you how pleased the entire family was to know that you will be attending. As you already know, your attendance at any event makes it a newsworthy occasion, and we were hoping to get some news coverage so now that is guaranteed thanks to your kind acceptance of our invitation. I am writing this letter to let you know that after the wedding reception, there will be a private dinner dance for close family and friends which will be hosted by the Prince of Wales. We are most anxious for you to attend the dinner dance. Without you there, it would just be more food to eat. You make the events memorable. I have made sure that the event will be catered by Burger King so that you will enjoy it. You are so right when you write about Burger King being the best food you can eat. Would you believe that the caterers wanted to overcharge for some stupid food that wouldn't taste nearly as good as Burger King? You have to watch it when you are in the royal family---people are always trying to take advantage of you by serving inferior food (like caviar) at ridiculous prices rather than delicious tasty food like Burger King. Several members of Parliament want to know if you can spare some time before you return to the United States because they need some advice on matters of grave importance, and everyone here respects your opinion.

I did follow your suggestion and I told Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, to make sure the wedding is done in English. I have also read Canterbury Tales, and I have often wondered what language in which it is written--certainly not English as I learned it. I do agree that Robin Williams would have been a good person to officiate the wedding, but he was too busy. I did ask Rowan Atkinson if he was available. Sadly, he is also busy so we are going to use Rowan Williams. I just hope he will do as good a job as Williams or Atkinson. Please keep your paws crossed that all goes well.
Love, Queen Lady, Elizabeth II

As you can see, I do get lots of letters from celebrities. Despite this fact, I have managed to stay the same sweet, down to Earth dog that writes this daily blog. I've got to go now. I want the humans to carry me to the bed for my nap. You don't expect a dog of my stature to get my paws dirty, do you?

Demon Flash Bandit (Royal Invitation to the Private Dinner Dance)

Friday, February 11, 2011

Arnie is BACK!!!!!

Arnold Schwarzeneggar has announced that he is available for acting again. This shocked me because I thought he had been cast as the governor of California. He kept doing such funny things that I assumed he wasn't actually a governor, but it was some kind of crazy sit com. I kept wondering when they would air the show.

I don't mean to put him down. Arnie has been in a lot of movies and television shows that I really loved. I loved him as Rocky....wait a minute, Jeff says that was Sylvester Stallone. He was great on Son of Beach....wait a minute that was Rolland Kickinger. He was good in the Incredible, that was Lou Ferrigno. He was great in Diehard. Wait.....that was Bruce Willis. He made a great Scorpion King..... again, I'm being told that was Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Okay what has he done? Jeff says the Terminator movies. I looked them up--that was the dude from Son of the Beach. Jeff needs to get his facts straight. By the way, I hated the Terminator movies. If you want to see a dude from the future come back and annoy people in the present, I would suggest Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half century. The only robots I want to see are the ones from Mystery Science Theatre 3000 because they make fun of horrible movies. I'm wondering why they didn't get a chance to make fun of the Terminator movies. However, I did notice that Arnie has been in a couple of good movies. One was Twins. In Twins, he starred with his twin brother, Danny Devito. Since Danny Devito is in that great television show, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, maybe he can get Arnie a part as his twin brother in the show. I think it would be perfect for Arnie, and he would be reunited with his brother. By the way, both of the brothers have played Batman villains. I think it is great that Devito is watching out for Arnie since he is the talented one. However, I am wondering, since they are twin brothers, why isn't he named Arnold Devito?

Demon Flash Bandit (Arnie's Back)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Call Me the Demon, the Cookie Monster!

According to television commercials, you would never believe where the Keebler cookies come from--they are baked by elves in a hollow tree. Why do they think we won't believe them? When I go outside, I'm always looking for hollow trees in case there are some cookie baking elves in them who need a dog to sample their products. I'm willing to do my part for Keebler by testing their product. In fact, I think it would be a good career choice for me. Anyway, so far I have never found a tree that has any cookie baking elves in it. I decided to write a letter to Ernie, who happens to be Keebler's head baker and SpokesElf.

Dear Ernie,
I am a dog who enjoys your product, and I would like to know where the hollow tree where you bake the cookies is located so I can stop by and taste test your product. This dog thinks your cookies are uncommonly good, and I would like to know if there is a job opening for a taste tester because I think it is a job for which this dog is well suited. I know you are busy, but please answer as soon as possible.
Love, Demon Flash Bandit
(NOTE: It is always important in business letters so use the salutation, love. It makes the company know you appreciate them.)

This brings me to another point. I was watching Lord of the Rings, and I did not notice any of the elves in Lord of the Rings baking cookies. Don't they know what they are supposed to be doing? If you ask me, the whole reason there was a war was because there was a serious lack of cookies to eat. It is impossible to stay in a bad mood when there are delicious cookies to eat. Lord of the Rings also had a bunch of trees, but I didn't see any that were being used to bake cookies. Besides, I think it is easier to bake cookies if the tree isn't running around the countryside.
My theory is that the hollow trees that they use to make the cookies could be located in BurgerKingland. I know that is where I would want to live if I were a cookie baking elf.

Demon Flash Bandit (Looking for Cookies)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Romeo, Romeo, Moo for Me Romeo

I have uncovered an interesting new twist on Shakespeare's play, Romeo and Juliet. It seems that Shakespeare changed the story to make it more interesting to the humans. The name, Romeo, is an anagram for Mooer. Since cows moo, that means that Romeo was not a human, but he was a cow. Juliet has the word, lie in her name, which means that she was a liar. She lied to her parents about Romeo and when they found out, they got mad, and forbid her to see him again. They were upset because he was a cow and not a bull. Of course, the kids didn't listen and they continued to see each other without her parent's consent. Eventually, they ran off and joined a farm, where they lived happily ever after. It is a shame that Shakespeare got the story so wrong. I guess he wanted it to be more dramatic. The next time you see the play, remember that Romeo and Juliet did live happily ever after just like they were supposed to. In fact, they were the couple that inspired the story of Beauty and the Beast.

Demon Flash Bandit (Telling the True Story of Romeo and Juliet)

Monday, February 7, 2011

Max, George Clooney's Pet Pig

Today I am going to discuss some little known trivia about the making of the movie, Batman and Robin, which starred George Clooney. This movie was made back when Clooney's pet pig, Max was still alive. Clooney loved Max, and credited Max for saving his life in an Earthquake. As it turned out, Clooney went along with the script; but he did have a few suggestions which, for some odd reason, were not used by the studio. He wanted to change the name of Batman to Batpig, and have a pig emblem on his costume instead of a bat. His car would be the Sueymobile, he would respond only to the "pig signal", and he would communicate via ham radio. He wanted his love interest to be called Hog Sow, and be played by none other than Miss Piggy. Robin kept saying "Holy Pressed Ham" Batman. One of the villians in the movie was the Butcher. Have you met a pig yet who didn't think the Butcher wasn't a villian? Even Arnold, the pig from Green Acres didn't like the Butcher. It is hard to understand why the studio didn't decide to go with these suggestions, but they didn't and they ended up making a mediocre Batman movie when they could have had a blockbuster, Batpig movie.

There were humans who complained about the costumes having nipples, but Mr. Freeze was one of the villians so I think that would be a natural reaction to the cold.

All joking aside, it is nice to see someone who loves their pet so much. Max died a few years ago, and I know that he is in Hog Heaven now waiting to be reunited his George, his human.

Demon Flash Bandit (Max was a Great Pig)

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Back to the Salt Mines

Some of the humans are always complaining about the United States government wasting tax dollars. I am quite sure that other governments probably waste money too, but I live in the United States so I mainly hear the people here complaining about it. Of course, some of the humans just like to hear themselves complain. They must think that roads pave themselves, schools cost no money to operate, and the police and firemen are volunteer workers. (NOTE: there are some fire departments that are manned by volunteers). I do understand that no one wants to see their hard earned money taken from them to be wasted, but there are lots of legitimate expenses. I also want to mention the times that the government has found creative ways to save the tax payers money. When it snows here in Michigan, salt is used to melt the snow so that people can travel on the roads better and safer. Salt does cost money even though Michigan does have salt available. It still costs money to pay people to get it out of he salt mines. I think there must be lots of workers in those mines because I've even heard the humans say that they are headed to work at the salt mine. Since they don't even work at a salt mine, my guess is that they have to put in some volunteer time in the mine to save money on taxes. I like to share stories of humans who have went above and beyond the call of duty to make the world a better place, and I have to put my paws together in applause for the humans who take their extra salt packets from places like McDonalds to the county to add to the salt trucks. I can only imagine the lines of humans waiting to drop their salt into the truck. These good citizens care about saving the county money. Thanks to their tireless efforts, the county saves $25.00 on the cost of salt for the winter season. I'm not so sure Ronald McDonald is happy about it because the salt packets probably cost him $50.00, but he should be pleased. With that kind of money, the humans can buy several meals.

Demon Flash Bandit (Reporting Good News For the Government)

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Best Sports Event of the Year: The Puppy Bowl!

For those of you who aren't planning to watch the Superbowl, I have a perfect event for you to watch. In fact, if I were planning to watch the Superbowl, which I'm not, I would skip the Superbowl in order to watch this event. The event is going to be broadcast on Animal Planet February 6, 2011 at 3:00 pm Eastern Standard time and 4:00 pm Central Standard time. That event is Puppy Bowl VII. Puppies play in a model stadium on a football field. I can tell you that the puppies are far more entertaining that those silly humans who play for the Superbowl. For those who enjoy watching the cheerleaders, the cheerleaders at the Puppy Bowl are bunnies. Kittens do a half time show. No puppy over the age of 4 months is allowed to play. Last year's Puppy Bowl included a blimp piloted by hamsters. Millions will be watching this event, and I know you wouldn't want to miss it. For those who missed past Puppy Bowls, you can get them on dvd at this website,

These dvds can be watched repeatedly by those with good taste in entertainment. For those of you who decide to watch the human Superbowl, I feel sorry for you. The puppies are so much cuter!!!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves the Puppy Bowl)

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Dogs and their Digging

Dogs who were digging in Israel have found what appears to be the tomb of the prophet Zechariah. Once again, human archaeologists are taking credit for the dogs findings. I don't think I need to remind you that dogs love to dig, and we would dig a hole through the planet if the humans didn't stop us. However, the humans don't relish digging with the same level of enjoyment that we do, but they are always trying to take credit for our work. Anyway, it is an important find, and we dogs are glad that our work is appreciated even if we never get credit for it. Hopefully, the dogs got some treats for doing so much work.

According to the Internet news, Beavis and Butthead will be back on MTV after more than 14 years absence. This dog is pleased to hear it and plans on watching them. Perhaps this time they will have a pet dog who can bark along with them...uh huh huh huh.

I have decided that it is time to start a petition to fire Mother Nature from her job. The weather service promised us 12 inches of snow and a massive storm and we got 2 inches of snow. This sled dog is tired of empty promises, and thinks Mother Nature is now too old and senile for the job.

It is time for me to get back to my nap.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Needs a Nap)

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Happy Groundhogs Day--I've Heard They are Delicious!

Today is Groundhogs Day, and the famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil has predicted an early spring. I hope he is wrong. I have decided to start a group for dogs with psychic abilities. It will be called ASPCA which stands for Animal Sensory Perception Canine Association. Any dogs reading this who accurately predict the future, be sure and join the association. I am predicting that we will have our own phone line---Ask the Dog. If the humans can do it, you know we can do it better. I am hoping that when I call, they will confirm my prediction that Punxsutawney Phil is wrong, and winter will last longer than Phil predicted. If you ask a dog's opinion, groundhogs aren't that smart!

There has been a possible UFO spotted over the Dome of Rock, an Islamic shrine in the Old City of Jerusalem. I suspect that this is a hoax because, as I have explained in past blogs, the aliens come here for take out food. Since a shrine probably does not serve food, there would be no point in the aliens visiting there-unless they got lost and thought it was a restaurant. With their advanced guidance systems, the likelihood of them being lost is slim so I think it was a hoax.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Groundhogs Day, and if you don't like the groundhogs prediction in your area, I suggest you eat them. I've heard they are tasty--perhaps you could add some barbecue sauce.

Demon Flash Bandit (Predicting Groundhogs are Delicious!)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Goldie and the Three Dogs

Once upon a time there was a little blond human girl who was wandering through the forest. She was in the forest because she was such a brat that when she went out to play, her parents moved away. They had a mobile home so they took the home with them leaving her homeless.

Meanwhile a family of 3 super nice dogs decided to leave their house and go for a walk. Goldie (that was the girl's name) found the house and the let herself in. As I said, she never followed proper protocol--she didn't even knock. She was hungry and she saw some food on the table. She tried the first dish, and she thought it was too spicy. (It was the Daddy Dog's dinner.) Then she tried the second dish, and it was too plain. (It was the Mommy Dog's dinner.) Finally she tried the third dish, and it was just right so she ate all of it. (It was the Puppy's dinner.)

Then she decided to watch television. She watched the one in the living room which was the one the Daddy Dog liked to watch. It's volume was too loud. Then she tried the one in the master bedroom which the Mommy dog liked to watch, and she could barely hear it. Then she tried the one in the Puppy's bedroom and it was just right--so she loaded it on a cart to take with her.

Then she decided to take a nap. The Daddy Dog's Bed was too big. The Mommy Dog's bed was also too big, and the Puppy's bed was just right so she took a nap and then loaded it on the cart along with the television.

The dogs came home from their walk and they noticed that their stuff had been tampered with, and the Puppy was very upset because all his stuff was gone. The dogs called the police, and they found Goldie trying to pawn the Dog Family's stuff and now Goldie is serving a prison sentence for being a thief.

Finally, a good fairy tale told from the point of view of a family of dogs!

Demon Flash Bandit (Crime Does Not Pay)