Modern Art Masterpiece: Life is Ruff!

Yoko Ono's latest art masterpiece, "To the Light" has been drawing some crowds at the Serpentine Gallery in London, England. The art is made up of 3 piles of dirt. This dog has to report if you have not yet viewed her latest art, you won't be able to see it anymore. There was a bit of a mixup with the after hours cleaning staff who destroyed the artwork. Technically, the art could be put back on display if the maid would just empty their vacuum cleaner bags into 3 piles, but it would never have the same poignancy what with all the other possible things that might be in the vacuum cleaner from other places in the gallery. I felt bad for the gallery and for all the humans who won't be able to view this highly unusual piece of art so I made a new one for the gallery. I went outside and dug up some dirt. I made it into 3 piles and the top of each pile has a rock and a milkbone sticking out of the dirt. The milkbone symbolizes the good things in life and the rock shows that life can be "ruff". There was a dingo bone in each pile, but I got a bit hungry and ate the 3 dingo bones. I don't think they really added much to the project anyway. I call my art, "Life is Ruff so Grab Yourself a Bone". Be sure and see the latest Demon Flash Bandit work of art at the Serpentine Gallery in London. You'll be glad you did!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Artist)

Royal Couple Can't Dress Themselves?

Once again, I have received a letter from my pal, the Queen of England. As usual, she is writing to me because she knows I understand her problems with her family. I have decided to share the letter so we can all see how tough life is for the Queen.

Dear Demon Flash Bandit,
Now that the royal wedding is over, I was hoping to settle down and have the chance to relax. I hoped that my grandson and his new wife would settle in happily at their new home. However, you can imagine my embarrassment to find that they are now planning to hire a housekeeper and a dresser. I realize that a housekeeper might be necessary, but can you imagine how hard it is for a mother to admit that her descendants don't have enough sense to dress themselves? I can only imagine what the neighbors are saying......"I see the kids can't dress themselves.....we knew those kids were idiots from the time they were toddlers". I am hoping that the kids will learn how to dress themselves so that I can hold my head up high once again. Thanks for your encouragement, Demon Flash Bandit. I don't know what I would do without the wise counsel of an intelligent dog such as yourself.

Love, The Queen Lady

As you can see, being the Queen is not easy. There is another person in the news who is having a rough time with the media at the moment. That man is Congressman Weiner, and he is involved in something called Weinergate. I thought it might be an interesting story involving hot dogs, which are quite tasty, but it turns out it is stupid.....like most human news. That is why I haven't bothered to write much about it. I would rather concentrate on important stories. For example, there was an ad for Bit o Luv treats, which I happen to love. When my humans went to the store, the treats never arrived. This should be front page news. When a dog's favorite treats aren't available, something needs to be done. However, the media is so busy discussing Weinergate, the story of the lack of Bit o Luvs did not get covered. This is what happens when humans are allowed to run things. They have no ability to priotitize!

I hope all my readers stay cool. It has been too hot here.

Demon Flash Bandit (Royal Couple Can't Dress Themselves)

How to Look Elegant and "Classy"

Since this dog happens to be friends with so many celebrities, including the Queen of England, I get email from my readers asking me how they can decorate their homes and yards so that they will look elegant and "cultured". I am going to save time by answering this question in my blog for everyone to read.

I have found that the secret to an elegant yard is to have some plastic pink flamingos decorating said yard. Nothing says class and sophistication like a bunch of pink flamingos in the yard. Sure, it would be great if you could afford flamingos designed by Don Featherstone in your yard, but don't let a budget keep you from reaching your goal. The next time Walmart has a batch of plastic flamingos, get them while they are available. Better yet, ask the manager of Walmart for them. If enough humans ask for them, I'm sure the CEO of Walmart will make sure some company starts manufacturing them. You'll be glad you got them when people drive by your yard, and give that envious look that the humans get when they know they can't live up to your standards.

Don't let the elegance stop at the yard. APinkFlamingoShop.com has all sorts of wonderful flamingo items for you to buy. It offers everything from a pink flamingo purse to rugs for the inside of your home. Yes, you can continue the flamingo motif throughout your home. There are even flamingo Christmas ornaments for the Christmas tree. Other humans will know how much class you have when they enter your house and see so many flamingo items. My own Mommy has a pair of flamingo earrings. This is why I know she has good taste.

I hope this blog has helped the humans out there learn how to look classy.

Demon Flash Bandit (Pink Flamingos--Always in Good Taste)

Royal Wedding Invitation

I notice that my secretary did not delete the first paragraph of my blog yesterday as she was instructed by me. This is not the first time my secretary (obviously of the human persuasion) has not followed my orders. If she did not work free, I would fire her, and hire someone more dependable and obedient.

As many of my regular readers are already aware, I have been sharing correspondence with the Queen Lady (the Queen of England) ever since she came to New York City, and the Daily Show announced that she was having to cut back on household expenses. I felt bad for her so I offered her a job mowing my yard, an offer which she was happy to receive. However, family obligations have kept her from fulfilling her dream of mowing my yard. When Prince William announced the royal engagement, I assumed that this would be another year when the Queen Lady would have family obligations standing in the way of her lawn mowing dream. However, I received this letter yesterday, and I want to share it with my readers.

Dear Demon Flash Bandit,
How is my good pal doing? I hope this letter finds you in good health and enjoying some wonderful snow. I know you have heard about my grandson's upcoming wedding, and I want you to know that the date is set for April 29, 2011. This will give me the summer free to come by your house, meet you, and mow your yard. I have been anxious to meet you ever since we first started corresponding. I hope that you will be able to give me some practical advice for dealing with some of the political problems we have here while I am there because your dog advice is so valuable. I know your advice is highly sought after by world leaders so I hope you will have time to oblige me with this request. I'm so glad that someone of your dog intelligence and gift for diplomacy is available to help world leaders solve problems. If only all of them listened to your wisdom, the world would be a better place.

It is my wish that you can attend the wedding. I know you are a busy dog, but having you come to the wedding is all the kids can talk about. Last night at dinner, both William and Kate were asking me if I had heard from Demon Flash Bandit and was he available to attend their wedding. It would be such an honor if you grace us with your presence.

I am so pleased to count you as a friend, and I hope you won't think I'm bragging too much when I tell people that Demon Flash Bandit and myself are close pals.

Love, Queen Lady Elizabeth

I was touched by this letter. I get a lot of letters from celebrities, but I always enjoy hearing from her Majesty, the Queen Lady. It would be nice to attend the wedding, but this dog refuses to wear a tuxedo so if that is required, I won't be attending. I have standards.

Demon Flash Bandit (Corresponding with Her Majesty, The Queen Lady)

Engagement and Murder

Target, a heroic dog who saved the lives of soldiers in Afghanistan and was brought back to the United States to live with Sgt. Terry Young in Arizona was "accidentally euthanized" by an employee at the Pinal County Animal Care and Control Shelter. The director of Animal Control there, Ruth Stalter, said Target was not supposed to be euthanized, and that the employee, who has been put on administrative leave, did not follow proper procedures. I'm not against second chances, but I think this employee should lose that job. There are other jobs out there that do not involve an animal dying if they do the job improperly. I am very sorry that Target, who had been shot in the leg and ran over in Afghanistan, and finally had a good home, was killed by such a thoughtless, human.

I like to write about happy news, and today I see that my pal, the Queen Lady, has tweeted congratulations on the engagement of her grandson, William, to a young lady named Kate Middleton. This dog wishes them well, but I guess I am going to have to let the Queen Lady know that "tweeting" is not acceptable. Birds are evil, and it is very important that the world leaders not be taken in by the little feathered varmints. I assume that with the royal wedding in the works that the Queen Lady won't be able to mow my yard again this year. I'm sure she will be crushed, but it is important to put family obligations first. I hope the new addition to the royal family will be as easy to deal with as my new stunt dog, Phantom Fast Snowman. I've discovered that stuffed dogs are much more docile than real dogs.

It is time for me to mush into the other room and take a nap.

Demon Flash Bandit (Murder and Marriage)

How To Show Class

For those of you who have not read some of my earlier posts, The Queen of England made a visit to New York City and there was a news story at that time about how she has had to cut back several million dollars on her household expenses. I felt bad for the Queen Lady so I offered her a job mowing my yard. Of course, she was thrilled at the opportunity to make extra money, and I shared several of the letters we exchanged back and forth about the possible trip. She was never able to come and mow the yard, but she really wanted to, and maybe she can earn some extra money next year.

Today I am reminded of the Queen Lady because she is a very classy lady (she has to be--she is royalty), and I was touched at how classy my humans can be at times. Normally, Mommy buys kleenex for the computer room, but we ran out of kleenex, and Mommy forgot to buy more when she was out yesterday. The solution to the problem is one of the classiest things I have ever experienced in this family. When I walked into the computer room to write my blog this morning, sitting next to the computer is a roll of toilet paper which I needed right away since I started crying. I'm such a lucky dog to live in such a classy family.

I think they could have only picked up that kind of class from the Queen Lady. I have never had the privilege of visiting her palace, but I have chatted with her dogs, and they have told me about all the treasures in the place. By the way, it shows taste and class for a human to have dogs. Some of them don't have dogs as pets, and I just feel sorry for them. However, I will stick with the subject at hand--the classy art that fills Buckingham Palace. The Queen Lady does not brag about these items and that is the classy thing to do. However, this dog wants to bring culture to the masses. Remember, do not feel bad if you can't afford these kinds of classy things. I would suggest you call up the Topeka Zoo and see if you can order some of the classy elephant poo items by mail. Believe me, the Queen is investing in the $25.00 ones. I'm not saying they will go up in value, but one never knows. WINK WINK

When you enter the Grand Hall, you will see some pictures of past rulers of England. Then there is the painting used in the Blackadder television series in which Bolrick paints what he ate for breakfast--(once it is in his stomach of course). Then there is the velvet Elvis painting. HINT: For a touch of real class and elegance in your house, make sure there is at least one painting on velvet. The painting that has Christmas lights on it that light up was a real find. I can't tell you how many art museums were fighting over that one before the Queen beat them to it. It is good to be the Queen! The painting of the clown picking his nose is quite a victory for the Queen. The Louve in France was after that one, but once again, don't mess with the Queen Lady! There is the one with Michael Jackson surrounded by young boys and he is smiling. Personally, I think that one might be a bit creepy, but on the other hand, having King Henry VIII's wives heads on display is considered creepy by many humans, but they are wax replicas, and some guy named Prince Vlad toured the palace, and he thought they were lovely. It goes to show you that there is always some controversy in the art world. The dogs were particularly annoyed at one piece of art--the Thinker on the Toilet. They said it is like he is using their watering dish and bragging about it to the world. I can see their point about that. I also would be remiss if I didn't mention the Popsicle replica of London Bridge. I found that to be breath-taking. Some dog had to eat a lot of Popsicles to build that sculpture. It makes a dog appreciate what artists do for their craft.

There is an entire room filled with collectible plates. The plates are kind of a personal matter--some argue that Nascar plates are classier than Gone With the Wind Plates, but there is always some room for individual taste. Invest in what you enjoy--don't let other humans push you around. They have all been going down in value. WINK WINK

I hope that after reading this blog, my readers will go back to their lives more intelligent and classy than they were before they read this blog. My job is to educate the humans who don't have a classy dog to explain these kinds of things to them. Until tomorrow....

Demon Flash Bandit (Classy Dog)

Robin Hood: The True Story

Legends, although not always completely true, usually do have some truth to them. This is true of the legend of Robin Hood. Most people are familiar with the typical tale of Robin Hood. He has been depicted in quite a few movies as being a man of noble birth who went on a Crusade, and returned home to find his lands stolen. He then had to deal with the evil Sheriff--probably one of those policemen who goes around shooting at dogs like Keith Shepherd who killed Bear Bear in Maryland, and the one I read about today who shot a chihuahua 3 times after tazering the dog. Two policemen could not handle one 7 pound chihuahua. I'd hate to send them after a 200 pound human criminal. The sad story of the two murdered dogs is a subject for another blog because this blog is about Robin Hood so I will get back on topic. Robin Hood was a skilled archer and swordsman who had a group of devoted followers called his "merry men". Personally, if this dog had to go around wearing those silly tights, I would not have been so merry, but humans get happy over stupid things. He hung out in Sherwood Forest where he stole from the rich to give to the poor. This is the legend that has been passed down through the centuries. As you may know, if you tell one friend a story, and they tell 10 other friends, chances are if you hear the story from the tenth friend, you won't even recognize that it is the story you told originally, and legends work the same way--except over the years, you have a lot more than 10 people to which the story has been passed down. This is why I am going to share the true historical account of Robin Hood. I have spent countless hours (yeah, like I bother to count) doing research on this subject just so I can write this blog and set the story straight.

Robin Hood, as you might have guessed from his name was a stupid bird. He was an outlaw because all birds are evil. He lived in Sherwood Forest because his nest was there. He robbed from everyone, but the main thing he took was snow which made all the sled dogs very mad. They got in touch with the Sheriff who went to arrest Robin Hood, but every time the sheriff got near to him, he dropped a white bomb on the Sheriff's head. This made the Sheriff of Nottingham very unhappy so he suggested that a bunch of archers get together and try to shoot at Robin Hood. However, Robin was out of town at a arts and crafts festival selling a new product he came up with--hoodies--shirts with hoods to keep your head warm when it is cold. In fact, he was only called Robin until he started the Hoodie business, and then Hood was added to his name.

He made millions of pounds (he did live in England so it was English money), and then he disappeared because the Sheriff was still out to get him. Robin was getting tired of dropping white bird bombs and watching out for the sheriff. He and Maid Marion Oriole, who had a wedding with all the forest birds in attendance probably lived happily ever after--no one really knows since they disappeared. I know this story is historically accurate because I found the manuscript on ebay, and it was written by William Dogspeare, a very popular writer and historian of his time.

Demon Flash Bandit (Setting the Legend Straight)

Appearance of Money Could be Improved!

Today I am going to discuss something the humans seem to think about a large amount of the time: MONEY. I like money. Even as a puppy, I observed that when you give the people at drive thru useless pieces of green paper, they give you burgers at Burger King and ice cream at the Diary Queen drive thru. I know it is silly. I would never give up a burger for a piece of paper, but these businesses are run by humans, and all of us dogs know how dumb they are. Mommy actually has a nine dollar bill that she ordered from Ebay awhile back and it is the only piece of green paper that I would accept if I were Burger King even though it clearly says it is non negotiable. Instead of having those silly looking old humans on it, it has a lovely Siberian husky on it instead. It even says "in dog we trust" which is a smart move if you ask me. This brings me to the important part of this blog. Why did the humans choose to put old men on the money when they could have put some adorable dogs on the money instead? I think that part of the reason people can't hold onto money is because looking at the faces of a bunch of old guys does not make a human want to save that money. However, with a cute face like mine, the humans would save their money because who would want to give up money with such a handsome face on it? I think the governments should re-think their position on how they make their money look. Now that I have solved the problem with the economy, it is time to take a nap.

By the way, I see the Pope is visiting the Queen of England. Did she not tell him she needs to come here to mow my yard? Queen Lady, I know you want to come and mow my yard.....I think you should tell him to get in his Popemobile and come back later--you have mowing to do.

Demon Flash Bandit (Solving Economic Problems for the Humans)

Burger King Cannot be Owned by Commoners

This dog is highly upset today over something I read in the news. Burger King might be up for sale. Yes, Burger King, the place that sells this dog's favorite food, might be sold to another company. This upsets me because how can a dog know that the new owners might not mess with the menu and start serving food this dog doesn't like? I happen to be a picky eater. I have refused to eat burgers from McDonalds since I was a puppy. The clown just does not serve a burger high enough in quality to persuade me to eat it. However, I am okay with their bacon and ice cream. Does the King know what is happening in his realm? Has he been taken over by some evil influence like that king in Lord of the Rings? Is he sick? Someone needs to check on the King's health and get him to realize that selling Burger King would be a mistake. If a bunch of commoners buy the franchise, the burgers won't be royal anymore, and what will I serve the Queen of England when she comes to mow my yard? Of course her coming does depend on if that royal pain the the arse, Prince Charles, can ever take care of himself long enough for the Queen Lady to come for a visit. Perhaps she could talk to the King of Burgerland for me. Maybe he will listen to another royal. Meanwhile, Mommy has been watching a marathon session of The Tudors. Henry the VIII was not a good king. He didn't serve hamburgers to his subjects or do anything noteworthy except marry and kill his wives. I think he was the first recorded serial killer in history. It seemed to me that he spent most of his time putting people to death. You would think a couple of his "subjects" would have gotten together and returned the favor, but I suppose they weren't allowed to or it would have ruined the series which would have annoyed the Showtime executives. Perhaps if everyone started eating at Burger King everyday, the King would not even consider selling the franchise. It is a sacrifice that this dog is willing to make.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Burger King)

I Should be Writing for AOL

It takes a lot to get this dog angry, but at the moment, I am angry enough to eat a bird. Okay, for my smartaleck regular readers, yes, I would eat a bird if I were happy. I think the only good bird is a dead bird that is a dog's meal. However, I am angry today. I was on the AOL news site, and I saw an article about annoying mascots. Of course, this is only that writer's opinion, but when I saw Burger King on the list, I decided that this person's opinion should not be shared nor tolerated. I think AOL needs to have a dog like me sharing intelligent opinions--not some silly human who called His Highness, Mr. Burger King, creepy. Yes, that was his exact word: CREEPY. Sure, the King might have went a bit insane in a couple of commercials, but there was a reason--it was over BK's products, and they are worth going bananas over. I know. I love their burgers and I eat there a lot. I have decided to write the King a letter and I want to share it with my readers.

Dear Your Highness, Mr. Burger King,

This is Demon Flash Bandit, a loyal customer, and I want you to know that I think you are a terrific mascot for your company. I would love to come and live in your perfect "Burgerland", but I have to settle for enjoying your delicious burgers at my local Burger King restaurant in Howell, MI. I hope that this slander against your royal name will not hurt your feelings, and I want you to keep in mind that you have many loyal subjects outside of Burgerland who think you are wonderful. Avoid reading the insane ranting of the human who wrote about you on AOL. I think that human should be forced to eat McDonalds for the rest of his or her life.
Love, Demon Flash Bandit

This stupid human even listed the Energizer Bunny, and this dog loves the bunny. Who would not like the bunny? Oh yeah, the crazy person who thought Mr. Burger King was annoying. If you ask me, I think the human who wrote the article is annoying.

Since I had the stationary out to write Mr. Burger King, I also sent a letter to the Queen of England, and I will share it as well.

Hi Queen Lady,
I really appreciated your last letter that explained why you haven't been able to come here to mow my yard. Of course, the offer still stands. You can still earn a cool $25.00 if you mow my yard the next time it needs mowing. I hope there are no more problems with Prince Charles. I know how sad it is for you that he spends so much time and money trying to prove that unicorns and Big Foot are best friends. All us dogs know that Big Foot is a loner and usually only pals around with other Big Feet (that is the plural of Big Foot). I do look forward to seeing you soon. After you mow, I think it would be a blast if we got on the Slip and Slide for some fun. I could have a crown added to the end of the slide if you need it to be a royal slip and slide.
Love, Demon Flash Bandit

Since this is Monday, and I have heard that Monday is a very popular day among the humans, I hope everyone is having a good one.

Demon Flash Bandit (Sane Writer)

More Brilliant Ideas From the Mind of Demon Flash Bandit

I hope you enjoyed the letter I received from the Queen of England in yesterday's blog. I do hope that the Queen can find the time to make it here to mow for me. I was very honored that she offered me the position of professor of agriculture at Cambridge. I will have to decline the offer because it rains a lot there, and I don't want to have to smell wet humans. All us dogs know that rain is Mother Nature's way of giving a dog a shower. I know Great Britain is a nice country, but I prefer a country that has less rain and more snow.



I got to thinking that if the Queen could use some extra money, the Pope could probably use some extra money too. After all, the church actually passes around a collection plate because they need money so much. Very much like the guy on the street who plays the guitar for extra cash, I have to assume that is why the church has the music and everything--it is the entertainment that they ask the humans to pay for. I'm not sure if I am supposed to refer to him as Mr. Pope or His Popeness, but if you are reading this, Mr. Pope, I have a business plan all set up for you. If it takes off, you might need to hire some people, but you can start it on your own. It is a septic tank cleaning business. Before you know it, you might not need those collection plates anymore, and you won't have to depend on the generosity of others. By the way, I'm also thinking of an edition of collector collection plates....I think I am the first to think of that-featuring different popes maybe wearing swim suits. In fact, a calendar of past popes would be a good seller. One pope can dress as a lifeguard, one a fireman, one in a business suit--you get the idea.



I am thinking of hiring some body guards. Yes, Demon Flash Bandit has become so popular on the Internet that hiring bodyguards would be a good idea. You can never be too careful. Sure, I can take care of myself, but a dog likes to take a nap, and super villains love to take advantage of the good guy when he is taking a nap. I was perusing the cereal aisle of my local supermarket for possible candidates for the job. Candidates include, Capt. Crunch because of his military experience, Count Chocula because it takes a villain to fight a villain, Boo Berry because he has the boos so bad and needs the work, Tony the Tiger because he is g-r-e-a-t, and Mr. T although I'm quite sure the store should update their stock. Snap, Crackle, and Pop are out of the question because I am not issuing 3 paychecks for those dudes. I know Count Chocula might be busy thanks to the popularity of vampires due to that Twilight movie franchise. Have you heard the girls talking about being on Team Chocula? I've even read it on the tshirts. By the way, if this dog had to support a team from Twilight, Team Chocula has my vote. On the other paw, I might even hire someone from the royal family since I'm such a good pal of the Queen, I could hire Charles because with those ears, no one could sneak up on him.



Thanks to my blog about helping the Queen come up with more money, I got a call from Bo Obama (first dog) asking me to come to the White House to fix things for the United States. That is how it always works out--if you want a solution to a big problem, call in a dog. I will share my brilliant ideas for the U.S. economy in an upcoming blog. Hey, I don't get paid to write this blog, and a dog's time is valuable. I could be napping. One final word to the Queen: Queen Lady, the grass isn't getting any shorter!



Demon Flash Bandit (Problem Solver)

Letter from the Queen of England

I have written a couple of blogs about having the Queen of England come here to mow my grass. I have been waiting for a reply, and it has finally arrived. Jeff brought the mail in today and there was a letter from the Queen. Two days from my first blog offering her a job until I get a reply in the mail---and people complain about the post office being slow. I was particularly impressed with the Sunday delivery. I am glad I offered the Queen an odd job to make some extra money. The Daily Show said the royal family was having to make cutbacks, but sending the letter on a napkin from McDonalds made me realize just how badly they need the money. I do think the embossed clown wearing a crown at the top of the napkin was a nice touch. I plan to start a collection of letters I receive from celebrities. The royal stationary alone is worth saving. I have had some people tell me that it might not be an official letter from the Queen since it is on a McDonalds napkin, but I'm sure those people are just jealous that I would be getting personal mail from the Queen. I have decided to share the letter with you so that you can see that the Queen is unquestionably pawtastic.



Howdy Demon,

This is the Queen of England and I'm a big fraking fan. I happened to read your blog post the other day about paying me to mow your yard. Thanks so much for the offer because I can really use the money. I would like you to know that if time allows, I would love to mow your yard, you handsome young pup. Meeting you would be one of the highlights of my life--well above the birth of Charles (have you seen him--I thought he might fly away when he was a baby?) and my marriage to that man--I forget his name--ah yes, James Cromwell). I might add that I am very proud of my husband's role in the movies, Babe and Star Trek First Contact. He did a pretty decent job playing my husband (Prince Sylvester Stallone) in the movie, The Queen.
I've been swamped between listening to cds of MC Hammer (What's the time? It's Hammer time.), dipping Krispy Kreme dougnuts into my tea, rescuing small children who get lost in Charles' ears, and picking my nose while singing Green Sleeves. (That nose picking while singing is a royal tradition that dates back to Henry VIII.) I've also been playing ice hockey with my bros. My bros are: William Shatner, The Pope, Ron Jeremy, Greg the Bunny, Bo Obama, Snoop Dogg, and if you would come to England for a visit, you and Angel Zoom Smokey.

I've also been catching up on some movies with my fellow royal pains in the arse family members. Charles enjoyed Inception so much that I had to change his diaper. I also saw Despicable Me, and my husband, (Arnold Schwartzenaggar or however you spell his name) squealed and cried through the entire movie like a little girl or that pig in Babe. The management would have thrown us out had I not been the Queen. It is good to be the Queen.

On that subject, I just wanted to let you know that I enjoyed your last post so much that I actually pooped myself. I read the post to my husband, Prince Mel Gibson (who screamed like a crazy person which I think he is) also pooped his pants upon hearing your blog post. That being said, my husband, Prince Bruce Willis, often poops his pants so that is no guarantee that your blog is good, but it is. I think so and if anyone doesn't like it, I will yell "off with their heads" which will do no good, but it will make me feel better about my job. Charles was not allowed to hear your blog due to him being low on diapers after seeing the movie, Inception. He is also not allowed to make fudge due to an unfortunate mix up one Christmas. As you can see, we are a royally classy family.



I frakin love you Demon. I am sorry about the delay in mowing your grass. I enjoyed having you say, "Queen Lady, the grass isn't getting any shorter"--wiser words have never been uttered. I called Cambridge and asked them to give you a job as a professor of agriculture due to your observation that grass does not get shorter. It had never occurred to me, and Cambridge was very impressed with your wisdom. It had not occurred to them either. I have to call the head Cambridge dude from teaching his graduate class of fingerpainting to tell him about you. Sadly, Oxford is mad at me for not calling them first. By the way, if you ever need some expert fingerpainters, be sure they have that Phd in fingerpainting from a good university. Charles got his clown degree there and look at how well he has done....uh oh .....never mind. He is still living at home spending millions of dollars trying to prove unicorns and Big Foot are best buds. He is special. One day when he takes over the country, the national anthem is going to be changed to Charles in Charge, and England will be doomed--let's hope the United States takes over then. The U.S. would be better than being taken over by Romania since we don't want to have to walk around all the time wearing garlic to ward off the vampires.



Thanks so much for your kind offer of work. Having to cut the budget by $4,000,000 is not easy as anyone can understand. Most people never have to cope with such a serious financial cut particularly when we have to buy Q-tips by the truck load to clean out Charles ears. I will be there to mow as soon as I can....as I said, I love you Demon Flash Bandit and I think you should sell your photo and pawtograph on your blog!!!!



Love, Da Queen of England



As you can see, this letter has to be legitimate. Who else would know and share such intimate heart warming family details. If fact, I could have been quite happy had she not shared so much of it (like the fudge incident). NOTE TO SELF: Never eat fudge if you are visiting the Queen. I hope that by sharing this letter, you have gotten a glimpse of life for the Queen and the royal family and I look forward to meeting them. I wonder when she comes to mow if she is going to bring her husband (Orlando Bloom) with her.



Demon Flash Bandit (Sharing a Letter from the Queen of England)

I Have Not Received an Answer from the Queen of England!

Yesterday I wrote a blog and offered to pay the Queen of England $25.00 to mow my yard. I am assuming that my blog has to be something that the Queen has to read everyday. I know I would read it if I were her. Anyway, I asked her to make a comment so that I would know when she was coming, and have the cash ready for her. By the way, Queen Lady, the grass is not getting any shorter while you are hanging around the castle doing royal stuff. I would hate to see you miss the chance to meet me, Demon Flash Bandit, and get that photo of me with my pawtograph that you can hang in your castle to remember our meeting. However, I do realize that maybe mowing the yard might not be considered something a royal should be allowed to do. Perhaps working a couple of days at Burger King are more to your liking. I can understand that since their burgers are fit for royalty. Let me know when you are planning on being at my local BK so I can come through drive-thru and place my order. Imagine how impressed Parliament will be to find out that you actually cooked Demon Flash Bandit's burgers. Good day to you Queen, and be sure and let me know--will you mow my yard or are you working at Burger King?

Demon Flash Bandit (Royal Questions)

I'm Doing My Part to Help Great Britain

I was watching an older segment of The Daily Show called "The Crumpets Take Manhattan" (which can be seen on their website which aired July 7,2010). This video is covering the recent visit of the Queen of England to New York City. The recession has actually affected the Queen since she has had to cut back her spending 7%, which according to the video, costs the average tax payer in her country under $1.00 so she is saving the average tax payer 7 cents. Jon Stewart suggested we buy the Queen and let her do odd jobs here in the United States, and then it went on to show a photo of her on a riding mower and then another with her dressed as a hot dog working as a hot dog vendor. I want to go on record stating that the grass in my yard needs mowing and I am willing to pay the Queen of England $25.00 to do it, and she can do it on my John Deere mower. Yes, she doesn't even have to push a mower, she can ride around cutting the grass in style. If she is willing to change the oil, there will be even more money in it for her. With a few odd jobs like this, she can help make up for the $4,000,000+ that she has had to cut back on. I know some of you might be saying, there are a lot of yards she could cut for people, but this yard has the advantage of the Queen of England getting to meet me, Demon Flash Bandit. I know she likes dogs since she has dogs, and saves them bits of meat from her plate. If she does enough odd jobs, perhaps she could afford to get her dogs some Burger King, and not have to feed them scraps.

I have to add that seeing her in the hot dog outfit was wonderful since Angel Zoom Smokey has a photo of herself posted on Dogster.com wearing her hot dog costume for her first Halloween. Mommy bought it when it was put onto the store shelves (which was probably July), and by the time Halloween came, she had grown so much, it became her hot dog butt costume. I happen to think she looks adorable in it. However, Angel Zoom Smokey says that it was humiliating. Now there is no way she can hold that costume against my humans since the Queen of England was shown in a hot dog suit too. If it is good enough for the Queen of England, it should be good enough for a dog.

Queen Elizabeth, if you leave a comment telling me when you will arrive to do the mowing, I will be sure and have the cash waiting for you. If you can do it in the next week, I'll even take you to Burger King for a "royal" meal. I will also have some cold cokes waiting for you when the job is done. By the way, I will give you a photo of myself with my paw print on it. You can hang it on your wall and remember the happy day when you met me!

Demon Flash Bandit (Hiring The Queen to Mow My Yard)