Friday, May 30, 2014

Thank Dog For Air Conditioning--Literally

I'm sorry I haven't written in several days, but my human was "under the weather" which makes absolutely no sense to me since aren't all of us "under the weather" all the time?  Of course, if  you happen to be flying in an airplane  you  would be "above the weather".  I've learned over the years that humans don't make a lot of logical sense with their languages so I won't even bother to contemplate that one.  Anyway, Mommy is feeling better and able to type my blog again so here I am with more words of wisdom!

In today's blog, I am going to thank the dog who invented air conditioning.  If you look it up on Wikipedia, it will tell you that the inventor was a man named Carrier, but that is erroneous information.  It was actually invented by his dog, Air Carrier who was an Airedale.  When the dog invented the air conditioner, his human stole his idea which is very common in the dog world.  We dogs invent most important things with our genius brains, and then the humans steal it from us.  If we were like humans, we would hire lawyers and take them to court.  However, we dogs don't always care who gets credit for the idea as long as the idea is implemented and we get to enjoy the results.  We huskies are particularly grateful to Air Carrier since he made it possible for us to be cool in the summertime, and we huskies like to stay cool.

Demon Flash Bandit (Thanking Air Carrier:  the Dog Who Invented Air Conditioning)

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Humans Want to be Dogs!

I was checking over yesterday's blog entry, and I was so embarrassed.  My human secretary was very tired, and she did a horrible job of writing what I told her to write.  At first I was worried that other dogs would think I'm stupid, but then I remembered that the dogs will know  I am way too talented and intelligent to write anything that isn't brilliant.  I suspect that my human is in serious need of the iron injections the doctor told her to get.  She needs to get them scheduled if she wants to continue to type my blog for me.  Of course, I will forgive her since I might have to pay another human to do what she does.  It is hard to find a human who will work free.  

One of the more interesting vendors at the Motor City ComiCon was the humans at  These humans are selling things that any human would be proud to receive as a gift from their dog.  I was very impressed with their Siberian Husky costume that was for sale at the ComicCon.  I'm sure any human who wears it will be proud to look so much like a dog.  The humans do custom work so a human can get another breed of dog if they want to.  If the humans doesn't want to wear an entire costume, but envies our beautiful tails (we huskies do have lovely tails), they can just buy a tail and wear only the tail.  A human can even just wear paws if the human doesn't feel that they deserve to be a complete dog.  Let's face it, being a "complete dog" is an honor that many of the humans do not deserve.  If you go by their site, tell them Demon Flash Bandit sent you.  Any human who can make other humans look like a dog is a special human.  

Demon Flash Bandit (Helping the Humans Look Like Dogs)

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Bird Negotiations

I'm sure many of you are wondering why I nap so much.  There is a very good reason for that.  When the humans think I'm sleeping, I'm actually doing some serious dog things that they would never understand the necessity of doing.  Humans have problems understanding things that are easy for a dog to comprehend.   Today I have been out saving the world from the birds.  I knew there was trouble when I walked out the front door.  There were  bird droppings all over things on the porch.  I can't tell you how many times this has happened.  A bird has went to the trouble to build a nest right in my territory.  I'm not surprised that a bird would do that because they are troublesome creatures.  Today I decided to use my vast negotiating skills to deal with this interloper.  I negotiated a "settlement"  in which I talk to the neighborhood feral cats, and ask them not to eat that bird who is under my "protection".  That protection does not include coyotes and wolves. In exchange, I am being paid cash that I can use to buy myself some dingo bones.   I know I can't really  protect them, but the birds don't know that, and what they don't know is good for me.  After my serious negotiations were over,  I cleverly slipped back into my spot to see if I'm awake until the next time I have to deal with those little feathered vagrants.  Until that time, I'l take a nap!  By the way, I cleverly didn't negotiate a deal in which I couldn't eat the bird---just the cats can't do it.  I'm not stupid!  Fortunately for this dog, birds are incredibly stupid!

Demon Flash Bandit (Negotiating With Varmint Birds)

Friday, May 23, 2014

Dogs Should be Health Inspectors

It has come to my attention that the humans do not understand many of the reasons behind their dog's behavior.  One of the prime examples of this is the practice that many dogs have of drinking from the family porcelain dog bowl which the humans refer to as a toilet.  To hear the humans talk, you would think it is disgusting.  However, this is not true.  This is the dog's way of letting the humans know that they have done a good job at keeping it clean.  Let's face it--the humans would be shocked if they think the toilet is too dirty for the dog to drink from.  Their dogs are paying them the ultimate compliment and they act like their dog is disgusting.  I think that the humans should display a sign at their front door if their dogs drink out of their toilet that says:  "This house is clean enough to earn the dog's approval".  I can't think of a bigger compliment than that.  In fact, restaurants should have dogs inspect their place so they can post a "the cleanliness of this restaurant is dog approved".  I think that would make the humans feel better about eating there!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dogs as Health Inspectors)

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Bacon is For Dogs!

Has anyone noticed that the price of bacon has been going up?  I think the humans should quit eating bacon so the price will drop due to less of a demand so that it will be reasonably priced for us dogs.  When the prices of food go too high, many of the humans don't buy it for their dogs.  I don't approve because I think that, if the humans are going to buy cheaper food, they can buy that for themselves.  We dogs should have the best!  Just ask any dog, and you will get the same response.  I don't usually get upset over the rising prices of food because there are a lot of meats that I enjoy and I can always find a substitute.  However, bacon is my favorite meat, and I LOVE bacon.  There is just no substitute for bacon.  Ham is a close second for me, but it still is not bacon. I will add bacon to anything.....hamburgers, chicken, cookies, grass---I think you get the idea.  Bacon is good with EVERYTHING or even by itself!  There are even religions that do not allow the humans to eat bacon.  Who said God doesn't love dogs?  Those banned from eating bacon are proof that God loves dogs.    I think that is because he made us so perfect!  He wants us to have the bacon---so the humans should just give us all of theirs.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Bacon and is Concerned About Prices)

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Rose Colored Glasses for Chickens

I have been watching an episode of Storage Wars, a program about humans who bid on abandoned storage units.  The episode of which I am writing is the one in which Barry found some very small rose colored glasses in one of the units, and he said that they were "chicken glasses".  When I heard it, I thought maybe he was one of those humans who needed to be put away for his own good.  Who ever heard of putting glasses on a chicken?  What is next?  Chickens wearing bikinis?  However, I did the research, and he is right.  Evidently, chickens are little cannibals who will eat other chickens if they see one of the other of the flock bleeding.  Yes, haven't I been telling you that birds are evil?  Those birds actually try to eat each other.  If Angel Zoom Smokey gets a cut, I lick it and try to make her feel better.  If we were chickens, I would be having her for dinner.  I do wonder, if the chicken cuts himself, does he have himself for dinner?  This is something that only doggy philosophers can contemplate, and I'm not a philosopher (or puposopher- the correct term when it applies to a dog), so I won't bother going any deeper into the subject.  This is the purpose the rose colored glasses were invented to stop.  When a chicken is wearing the glasses, they don't recognize blood and don't attack their own.  The glasses are no longer manufactured and used on chickens, but I would like to know why.  I don't like the idea of chickens eating each other.  If the chickens eat each other, what are Angel Zoom Smokey and myself going to have for dinner?'s what on our dinner table.

For those who want to find out more about these glasses, here is the link: 

I will end this blog by repeating what I've said many, many times, birds are evil and need to die before any dog gets hit by one of their "bird bombs".

Demon Flash Bandit (Glasses for Chickens) 

Monday, May 19, 2014

Back at the ComicCon

I'm sure many of you are wondering if I went back to the ComicCon or if I just went there for one day.  I did go back yesterday, and I had a delightful time.  My human mommy even bought my non-fur brother, Jeff, an R2D2 ice cooler which he has been wanting for a long time.  I suppose drinks are kept cooler in a robot filled ice chest than in a conventional ice chest.  R2D2 says "Pepsi", but I suspect he better get used to holding Coca Colas because my human Mommy does not particularly like Pepsi.  I have to go along with Mommy here because my pet bunny, Flash, who was with us until I was about a year old loved it when the humans gave  him some coke, but he wouldn't drink Pepsi at all.  Mommy said he was a very smart bunny with good taste.

I met some interesting humans at the con, and I will be writing more about my adventures in future blogs, but I'm tired now and I need to take a nap.  You'd think they would have some places to nap at the ComicCon, wouldn't you?

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Adventurer)

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Motor City ComicCon

No doubt my readers have been wondering why I haven't written for a couple of days.  There is nothing going wrong around here.  I was preparing for my visit to the Motor City ComiCon in Novi, Michigan.  I find it reprehensible (I hope that means bad) for the people who run that show not to allow dogs to attend.  How did I attend?  They encourage the humans to come in costume so I dressed in a costume.  I have a very convincing dog costume that is so realistic that many of the humans actually come up and pet me and tell me I'm handsome.  The reason other dogs can't dress up as dogs and get into events is because they don't have blue eyes.  When the humans see my blue eyes, they assume I'm a human in a dog costume.  Besides, to be absolutely accurate, the humans aren't that hard to fool anyway.  One year I took one of my large rawhide bones with me, and put on a pair of glasses, and the humans thought I was Harry Potter.  I suspect this is why Krypton sent Superman here.  All he has to do is put on a pair of glasses and no one can tell he is Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for the Daily Planet which, sadly, is getting a lot of competition from the Internet news.  If newspapers would stick to the important things like the search for Nessie and Big Foot (I already found him and covered it in a recent blog entry).  the newspapers might be interesting to read again.  But I digest, I mean digress--I wouldn't mind digesting...I wonder if there is any bacon laying around in the kitchen uneaten....?

I'm sure my readers are anxious to know what I thought of the bigger ComicCon this year.  I got an autograph from Robert Hayes  who starred in the  movie Airplane which, if you haven't seen it, be sure and check it out.  Some of the young puppies may not have seen it yet.  He was very nice.  I even got my photo taken with him.  William Shatner, who starred as Capt. Kirk on the original Star Trek was there, but he had such a long line that this dog did not feel like standing so long on my paws.  I had a VIP (Very Important Puppy) pass, but the show was unorganized about that so none of the humans seemed to know if that mattered.  Besides Shatner was charging $75 for an autograph, and my brother Jeff plans to get one (he is back there today), but I only pay that kind of money for Superdog, Underdog, Bo Obama, or Mr. Peabody's pawtograph.  I know it is amazing that the humans have learned to write, but still....$75 is too much!!!  Most of the celebrities weren't there for the Friday show.

Now I will answer the question that is top on the mind of all my readers....why wasn't I paid to attend or even invited to attend the show as a celebrity?  I have no idea why I wasn't.  I can only assume it is because some humans were running it instead of dogs.  If dogs were in charge, I would have been the first one on the list--one of those "A" list celebrities.  Hopefully, next year the humans in charge (or the dogs who take over) will have me come and give my pawtographs.  I'm sure it would draw a lot more people to the show if I were there to sign and do some barking!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Attended ComicCon)

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Creating Smurfs

I've noticed that some of the younger humans have some odd fur colors (they call their fur, hair).  Some of them have blue, green, and even pink hair.  This gave me an idea to make more money to buy bones and dog toys.  I have opened a rat/mouse boutique in the back yard.  For a fee, the little rodents can be painted blue and pass as smurfs.  Even the language is easy to learn because, as long as the rodent can say "smurf", he knows the language since smurf can mean anything.  The reason this is so popular among the rodents is that humans don't like mice and rats particularly not in their homes.  However, most of them adore those cute little smurfs.  Therefore, if the humans think the rodents are smurfs, they will get to live inside and be treated better.  Why am I doing this service for the rodents?  As I said earlier, it is for the money.  Besides, I don't find mice and rats to be so menacing.  Birds, on the other hand are not welcome at my boutique, and they had better stay away.  No amount of money is worth protecting a bird!

Demon Flash Bandit (Creating Smurfs)

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Models Get Paid?

I got bored again today so this time I was glancing through one of Mommy's clothing catalogs.  Angel Zoom Smokey and myself refuse to wear clothing.  I'm a little more cooperative than Angel. Sometimes I will wear a hat or a bandana as long as the humans don't expect me to wear them for a long period of time.  I wondered why the humans were willing to stand around being models for the clothing so I did some research. Do you know they actually PAY the humans to dress up while they take photos.   I can understand why the humans need financial incentives to model since it is humiliating enough to dress up in silly clothes when a dog is by oneself, but with so many dogs seeing the catalog, I'm sure they deserve the recompense.  The only thing that now worries me is that I've seen photos of dogs wearing clothing, so I'm guessing the dogs also get paid.  I hope my humans don't get any stupid ideas about me.  If the humans want a dog model, they can use Angel Zoom Smokey.  She won't be happy, but I'm okay with it. By the way, I plan to send the humans a bill for all the photos they have taken of me in only my fur.  I think I'll be a rich dog with lots of bones soon.

I want to mention that my brother William had a birthday yesterday, and I did not get any presents.  Since Angel Zoom Smokey and myself always get presents on each of our birthdays, I should get one when the humans have a birthday too.  The next time he goes to the store, he better get me a present--if he knows what is good for him. 

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Won't Model Clothing)

Monday, May 12, 2014

Rhubarb: Imaginary Vegetable?

Things were getting boring around here,  It got so boring, I picked up one of Mommy's magazines to read to pass the time.  Even if the magazine has mostly useless articles, I do enjoy looking at the ads that feature dogs; and yes, even cats.  The magazine I found was the May, 2014 issue if Better Homes and Gardens.  I don't know why Mommy subscribes to this magazine because our house looks nothing like the homes in the magazine, and I'm glad it doesn't.  I am quite sure that this magazine was not written, edited, or published by a dog.  How do I know this? Just a quick glance at the photos affirms this fact.  The homes are all boring.  There are no dog toys scattered throughout the houses, and the gardens are lacking the holes and chewed up plants that makes a house a dog home.  In fact, it makes me wonder why any of the companies that feature items for dogs even bother to advertise since it is obvious that it was not written for "dog humans".  Perhaps I should start my own magazine and call it.  Better Living with Dogs.  I think that is a magazine that the world is begging to read.  I need to get back on topic because this blog is not actually about the magazine, but it is about one of the things featured in this issue's magazine.  Rhubarb is featured, and the magazine includes a lot of rhubarb recipes.  I have absolutely no idea how this magazine got past the editor before being published.  I happen to know that rhubarb does not exist.  I asked my human about it, and Mommy said she thinks it is a vegetable (which already makes it stupid--I don't eat veggies).  She has never actually eaten rhubarb, and she says she doesn't remember ever seeing it at the store.  The magazine said that rhubarb is not just for pie.  Why would anyone make a pie out of it anyway when they can use chocolate, coconut, banana cream or just a pie shell (preferably a graham cracker crust) filled with whipped cream?  Why would I want to ruin that with a vegetable even if it did exist; which, of course, it does not.  One recipe is for lunchtime chicken salad with rhubarb.  Why would even a human be dumb enough to ruin chicken with rhubarb and salad type stuff.  I prefer my chicken with chicken.  I am not against adding bacon to chicken, but that is about all the adventure I want with my chicken.  Another stupid recipe---linguini with garlic, pepper, and rhubarb.  Noodles are okay, but should be served with chicken.  Any dog can tell you that!  Again additional bacon is a good idea!  In fact, no matter what food is being served, adding bacon is always a great idea.  I could share more recipes with you, but why bother since rhubarb doesn't even exist?  I have my own rhubarb recipe to share anyway.  You take a bunch of "imaginary" rhubarb, set out a parchment paper to put the rhubarb on for preparation.  Then throw the parchment paper directly in the trash where it belongs.  By the way, when I publish Better Living With Dogs, I will include that recipe, but my readers are getting it early.  Don't you feel honored?  You should!

I hope all the mothers had a happy Mother's Day yesterday.  Jeff got Mommy Brisco County Jr. (an old television show) on dvd, but it has not arrived yet.  It was on back order so he surprised Mommy with some chocolate covered strawberries which she did not share with a dog.  William will get her something eventually.  He hasn't been out shopping much since Mommy had the auto accident last week.  No one was hurt, and the vehicle isn't badly damaged, but Mommy wasn't anxious to get out as much for a few days.  I don't know why she didn't ask me to drive her around.  I love to drive!

Demon Flash Bandit (Magazine Mogul and Chauffeur)

Sunday, May 11, 2014

My New Idea: Bottled Toilet Water

I am sorry I haven;'t written for a couple of days.  My human ate my computer.  The way I see it, if the humans who don't do their homework at school blame the dog for eating it, it is about time we dogs turned the tables on them.  Speaking of incompetent humans, my secretary has no idea how to actually share the sunshine award so I am going to list the 10 dogs I would give the award to, and hopefully, if they read this blog, they will know they have been given this honor!  My choices are:  Coco Rose, Khyra, Charliedownunder, Zoe, Zaidie, Hershey, Sir Freckles Licks-A-Lot, Fizzy, Leo the Basset, and my pal Riley who I actually met in person a few years ago.  You are supposed to list 10 things about yourself, and pass the award on to 10 more dogs.  I guess it can be passed to humans, but do they really deserve it?

I was scanning the news today and I found an interesting item.,  Texas has been suffering from a severe drought to the point that one town may be forced to drink toilet water. Dogs in the town are really mad because the humans are invading their territory.  Now you know why the humans don't want a dog to drink from the porcelain watering bowl....they are hoarding it for themselves.  I bet it won't be long until the humans all over the place are drinking toilet water.  In fact, they will probably be dumb enough to buy bottled toilet water.  I think I'll start selling it so that I can be the first to make money on the idea.  Here is the link for those who want to read more about this situation.

Demon Flash Bandit (Enterprising Business Dog)

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Sunshine Award !!!!!

A few days ago, my pal, Finley, gave me a Sunshine Award. I'd like to thank Finley for thinking of me.  I am supposed to tell my readers 10 things about myself, and pick 10 other bloggers to which I can send the award.  I won't be able to actually send the award because my secretary is a dunce on the computer, but I can still pass on the award to them.  I plan to do this is 2 blogs.  Today I am going to list the 10 things about myself, and tomorrow, I will pass on the award to 10 of my blogging pals.

 1.  I don't like anyone to touch my paws-not even my favorite humans!
 2.  There is a list of blue eyed Hollywood hunks on MSN today, and I know I'm one of them.
 3.  I am a very stubborn dog which is typical of my breed.
 4.  I was born in a barn in November.
 5. I spent my early puppy years around cats, and they taught me to meow, and I often act like a cat.
 6.  I don't like birds.  (Yeah, I'm sure that is a shock to my regular readers.)
 7.  I never poop.  (Any poop left around here is left by Angel Zoom Smokey.)
 8.  I have a stunt dog named Phantom Fast Snowman.
 9.  I have my own dog cave which used to be Daddy's closet, but I"m sure he would want me to have it.
10.  I will always miss my Daddy who was the greatest human to ever live.  He loved me so much, and I
       loved him as only a dog can love a human.

I hope everyone is having a nice day because I am!

Demon Flash Bandit (Recipient of Sunshine Award)

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Professional Digger

Many people in the United States are concerned with the concept of outsourcing.  Outsourcing is when businesses go to other places to hire humans who work cheaper.  I never thought that it would become a problem for dogs because we are such awesome workers that who would expect that we might be replaced by a human?  Humans usually want more money than dogs, and are never as happy in their work as are canines.  The reason I am writing about this topic is because I witnessed this outsourcing myself.  The city in which I reside has been working on their water lines.  They have hired humans with bulldozers and heavy equipment to dig.  Yes, I saw it with my own blue eyes.  Humans doing a dog's job digging.  We dogs are the best at digging and we enjoy our work.  Sometimes we even do it for the humans when they don't even ask us to, and we don't even charge the humans for our services.  Why would the humans outsource to humans who expect to be paid when dogs would do it free?  It just goes to show that the humans don't know the meaning of the word, "outsourcing".  I wish someone would explain it to them before there are no places left to dig.

Demon Flash Bandit (Professional Digger)

Sunday, May 4, 2014

I'm A Fisher Dog

One of the edible things I love most is candy.  Yes, according to Mommy, I have a sweet tooth or perhaps a whole mouth full of them.  One of the candies I love most is called Swedish fish--preferably the red ones.  I consider them the ultimate treat, even better than dog treats because they are human treats.  The thing that I like most about them is that they are nutritious.  Fish is sort of like a meat so a dog needs them which makes it easier to get some from the humans.  We live near a lake which is called Thompson Lake which is full of fish.  Since I like to be independent, I found myself a fishing pole which I am going to take down to the lake to catch my own Swedish fish.  By the way, I did some research, and although it sounds like they are only found in Sweden, they are all over the rest of the world.  I guess they decided to do some serious swimming.  The best thing about fishing here is that even in the winter when it is cold, the humans ice fish.  I can't think of anything better than fishing for Swedish fish when the lake is frozen.  That is a Siberian Husky dream come true.  I have to stop writing this blog because I am ready to take my pole down to the lake and catch myself some candy.

Demon Flash Bandit (Fisher Dog)

Saturday, May 3, 2014

I Don't Go To the Basement

Normally, most of us dogs love to dig holes, but some holes should be avoided.  Case in point, the basement of my house.  My humans have carried me down there twice as a puppy, but I did not like it there.  I refuse to go down there even if it is cooler there than in the rest of the house.  I just don't trust a hole with a house on top of it.  On the other paw, Angel Zoom Smokey sneaks down there often.  She said it is not only cooler temperature wise, but she thinks it has lots of cool stuff.  The humans know she has been down there because occasionally she leaves "souvenirs" which the humans prefer she only leave outside.  Of course, since the basement has a concrete floor, she says that it is easy to clean.  Personally, I don't know if she knows what she is talking about because I've never seen her clean up any of her messes.  In addition to not trusting a hole with a house over it, I also think that there are birds haunting the basement.  I think they hang out down there to annoy me.  Believe me, the only thing worse than a bird is a bird ghost who doesn't like a dog.  This is why I don't go to the basement.  I think it is better to be safe than sorry!

Demon Flash Bandit (Avoiding Basement)

Friday, May 2, 2014

Clock Families

Most of us have seen grandfather clocks.  My humans even have one in the living room.  I have been pondering how all the little clocks come about since I had never heard of a grandmother clock.  As we all know, grandfathers can't produce offspring without the help of a grandmother.  Therefore, I did some serious research.  Yes, I went to AOL, and typed grandmother clocks into the search engine.  Low and behold, there are grandmother clocks.  Not only are there grandmother clocks, but I even found some granddaughter clocks.  I never realized how many families of clocks are out there, but I am going to assume that Captain Kangaroo may have had something to do with their popularity since he had a talking grandfather clock on his show.  I didn't personally watch the Captain because I am too young, but I have read about him, and I'm sure my Mommy watched him as a kid.  Since he had a talking clock on his show, I realized that I could interview a clock to see what makes them "tick".  I interviewed Casey Clock, and I am going to give you a quick recap of the interview since my secretary said the battery is low on the laptop.  

Casey said that the clocks enjoy living in the humans homes and watching all the silly things they do.  I guess that is something they have in common with us dogs because I also find the silly human antics entertaining.  Alarm clocks are the mean members of the clock dynasty because they get to wake humans up from a sound sleep, and they enjoy their work.

I will leave you with this link so that you can see a bunch of clocks.  Even I think some of them are very pretty, and we dogs don't usually notice that sort of thing.

Demon Flash Bandit (Clocks)

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Buried Treasure

This is a sad day for me around here.,   My humans have a septic tank buried in the front yard.  Angel Zoom Smokey and myself have been planning to dig down to it since we can tell that it is filled with a lot of wonderful smells.  This morning, my humans actually gave the contents of the tank to a man with a truck.  In fact, I think they may have even paid him good money to steal the stuff.  I've often said that the humans can't be trusted with money because they always use it to buy or do stupid stuff.  If this situation is not proof of that fact, I don't know what is.  Why is it that the humans never seem to have any clue as to the important things in life?  You would think that the ones like mine who own dogs would at least have an edge because they have a dog to guide them.  The problem with dog owners is that they don't listen to their dogs.  What is next?  Is Mommy going to get a pet bird?  I hope not.  There are some things that this dog just can't tolerate.

Demon Flash Bandit (Complaining)