Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Doggy Bags are a Good Thing

When humans are involved in anything, I expect stupidity--all us dogs do. Many times we find it amusing. However, when I saw an article on WalletPop today that says the "food police" bust chain restaurants for serving too much food, then a dog realizes that some of the humans are not only stupid, but probably insane as well. Yes, many of the humans are too fat. Yes, many of them don't get enough exercise. Yes, some of them have lousy metabolisms, but what agency felt the need to hire the "food police"? No one is forcing the humans to eat at these restaurants, and there are humans who can't eat the whole thing so they take it home and eat the rest of it another day. There are also plenty of humans who ask for a doggy bag and they bring the extra food home to share with us dogs. We dogs love it when the humans bring home food for us, and we don't need some silly food police humans messing up a perfect system. In fact, we dogs know that bringing home food for the dog is called VALUE. A restaurant that charges a small fortune to give you 4 peas and 2 cucumber slices may insure you stay slim, but why pay them so that you can starve? No one is forcing any of the humans to eat at any of the restaurants, and do you really think that if a human likes to eat, they won't eat oversize portions at home? This is why I want to know who is wasting money hiring these food police. When they bust a restaurant, do they actually arrest the owner or do they just yap about how horrible it is that they serve so much food to the other humans on the Internet? This defeats the whole purpose since the humans who like to eat will then remember that restaurant chain so that they can eat there the next time they go out. I think the humans have a real problem with trying to control everyone else. Meanwhile some of the slimmer humans pitching the hissy fits about the overweight humans are doing other unhealthy things themselves. I think the humans can learn many lessons from us dogs. One of them is that as long as a dog has delicious food to eat, he doesn't really care if the neighbor's dog is eating too much or not. He is busy minding his own business, which is something that would benefit the humans greatly. Too many of them are so busy trying to run everyone else's business that they seem to forget that they have problems too. I have a message for you food police humans, dogs have formed a group that is going to go after your hides. Leave the portions alone and get yourself a dog so that you can bring a doggy bag home to him or her. Hang up your badge.....the dogs are taking over.

Demon Flash Bandit (Don't Mess With My Doggy Bag)

Monday, August 30, 2010

Were 8 Track Tapes a Gift of Alien Technology?

While doing research for my blog, I came across an interesting article written by Jean Erhardt. This article is about the possible connection that 8 track tapes had to UFOs. It suggests that 8 track tapes were the result of alien technology. Of course, there is no way for me to prove this theory, but it seemed like an interesting one to write about. In fact, I think it will help put the humans' mind at ease considering possible alien invasion. If the best they could give the humans is 8 track tapes, I think the world is safe. I had to ask Mommy what they were since I have personally never seen one. She said that they were something that were popular in the 70s, but the big problem was that they have different tracks. The different tracks made it difficult to switch them to the exact song you wanted to hear so many times you were forced to listen to a lot of music you didn't really want to hear. It turns out that many of the songs on albums, tapes, and cds are songs most of the humans seldom listen to. I'm assuming this is what helped make cds so popular since you could pick the song you want with the push of a button. With time, the tracks tended to blend together which annoyed most of the humans except for one of Daddy's friends who thought the new blended sound was "cool". I don't think he was on drugs, but just that statement should raise suspicions.

This dog can't say definitively if there are UFOs. I hope there is intelligent life on other planets, because from what I've observed of the human species, there isn't much intelligent life here on Earth. It would definitely not surprise me if aliens have visited Earth, and if so, maybe they did give the humans 8 track tape technology as some kind of cosmic joke. I can see them sitting in their space ships watching the humans listening to the tapes, and saying things like"

Yezo: Yeah, look at them....they think 8 track tapes are so wonderful...
Jeckter: It takes so little to impress the Earthlings.

I wonder if you play an 8 track tape, and wait long enough, will you get a message from aliens. I think you would get a message from them to buy a cd player. The joke has probably gotten old by now.

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing the 8 Track Tape, UFO Connection)

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Laundry Room For the Dogs

The house I live in has an entire room that is called a laundry room. The room has a washing machine, a clothes dryer, and some cabinets and shelves. Angel Zoom Smokey told me about it. I have yet to enter that room. I seldom go into the kitchen, and you have to go through the kitchen to get to it. Daddy warned me about venturing into the kitchen. If you go into that room, you might be put to work so I rarely go there. Angel Zoom Smokey does go into the kitchen on occasion, and she has visited the laundry room so I get my information from her. She says it would be a nice room in which to store our toys, and there is a door that leads outside to the deck. She said that it is such a wasted space as it is now, because we both think that there is really no good reason for washing clothing. Just think of all the money that could be saved if the humans just bought a new outfit and wore it until it was ready for the trash bin without washing it. It would have lots of interesting smells for us dogs, and it would free up an entire room in most houses for the dogs to enjoy. It could be a doggy sitting room where we can go when we need a break from the humans. Putting a television in the room would make it possible to entertain our friends in that room. Angel says that she envisions a nice paw print wallpaper with bones placed throughout, and if they don't make it, she will put pawprints and draw bones on the wall herself. I think this is a brilliant plan, and home builders should start calling laundry rooms doggy rooms, and market their home plans with the more "up to date" doggy approved ideas. Better yet, they need to hire some doggy consultants to give them suggestions like this. It would give them the competitive edge in the marketplace.

Demon Flash Bandit (No One NEEDS a Laundry Room)

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Just Say No to Sanitized Paw Wipes

Most dogs know that humans have a real problem with setting priorities in their lives. One example that comes to mind can be summed in with one word, sanitizer. Many of the humans are literally obsessed with keeping their paws clean to the point that they actually purchase and carry with them small bottles of sanitizer so that they can clean their hands no matter where they happen to be. As long as the humans amuse themselves with this behavior, none of us dogs really care. However, when they invent paw wipes which they have, it is only a matter of time before they will have sanitized paw wipes, and then they will be trying to wipe a dog's paw every time it touches the floor. Some dogs may not mind, but this dog does not like to have his paws touched, and wiping them is worse than touching them. Don't get me wrong, I have clean paws. I lick them clean all the time which is fun to do. Sometimes you even get a tasty treat if you happen to have stepped on something tasty. A human might wonder, what if a dog steps on something disgusting? P L E A S E....... I have yet to step on anything even remotely disgusting. I think a dog's definition of disgusting and a humans' definition of disgusting would not match. Another reason I hate paw wipes is because of another possible scenario. A dog has decided that the human has horrible taste in decorating a room, and said dog has went to the trouble to get all 4 paws muddy. The dog enters the house with the muddy paws on purpose because they are a decorating tool. Boring carpet, add muddy pawprints. Is furniture a boring shade of white? Muddy pawprints to the rescue. Humans who have paw wipes will be trying to wipe the mud off a dog's paws before that dog even has a chance to improve the place to the point where the home might be a featured home in Doggy Decor Magazine. Thanks humans, once again, you have messed with a dog's plans.

Demon Flash Bandit (Don't Use Sanitizing Wipes on MY Paws)

Friday, August 27, 2010

Rescue Me Should Be About Dog and Cat Rescue

Mommy is watching another season of Rescue Me--I think it is season 5, and this show makes absolutely no sense to me. Why do they call a show "rescue" and have no dogs on it that need homes? Most of us dogs know that there are lots of rescue groups out there, and most of them are rescuing dogs and cats. There has been a dog on the show a couple of times, but that dog should have been in every episode. I think they rescued a cat once, but that was one cat in 5 years. If you ask me, most rescues have a better track record than that-and if they don't, they aren't good rescues, and would not deserve their own television show.

I like Denis Leary, but he is playing the handsome leading man, but as I'm sure that all my readers will agree, he is no Demon Flash Bandit. If you want a face that will make girls swoon, you need an actor like me, Demon Flash Bandit. Sure, humans can have blue eyes, but how many people really notice them like they do when a dog like myself has blue eyes? I can just look at humans, and they notice me because of my eyes. I am also strong, and muscular, and I look good in my fur. I also have adorable black freckles on my nose. Does Denis Leary have adorable black freckles on his nose? I think not!

I know that the show is okay from the human perspective. Humans will never have the high standards that us dogs have. I hope that someday, Denis will realize that he needs fewer humans and more dogs on the show. I'm sure that would improve the show tremendously. Until then, Mommy will continue to watch--it doesn't take much to amuse the humans.

Demon Flash Bandit (My Review of Rescue Me)

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Evolution: I Asked the Dinosaurs

Some scientists have announced an alternative "theory of evolution" that challenges Darwin's survival of the fittest theory with a new one about "survival based on favorable living spaces". To test this new alternative, I got into my time machine, and I went back in time to interview animals from the past because I believe in getting my information straight from the "horse's mouth", or as in this case, direct from the dinosaur's mouth.

Demon Flash Bandit: Mr. T Rex, I see you are the king of the forest, to what do you attribute your ability to be the Number 1 Dino in the land?

T Rex: Mr. Bandit, I am the king of the forest because I eat every animal that gets in my way, and I am big and powerful with giant teeth.

Demon Flash Bandit: Do you think that living in a more favorable environment would help you do better?

T Rex: Sure it would. The better the environment, the better an animal survives. In fact, I hate to admit this, but had my mother not won the annual animal lottery---yes, she won 5 million animals to eat, I could have starved as a baby dinosaur. This shows that luck is also important to survival. I don't care how smart you are or how big your teeth happen to be, being in the wrong place at the wrong time can be detrimental to your health.

Now you have the answer--many things contribute to survival, and even luck plays a part in it. Thanks Mr. T Rex for sharing your insights about survival with a dog from the future. What was that? How are your descendants doing in the future. Mr. T Rex, I have to go now. It sure has been nice chatting with you and you have a nice day.

Demon Flash Bandit (Solving Evolutionary Theory Once and For All)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Cloning Demon Flash Bandit

Yesterday I went to the vet. I wasn't sick but I went in for routine shots and heartworm tests. This is why I am writing this blog. I think the heartworm tests were a ruse to get my blood and clone me. I know some of you might think I am being overly paranoid, but I think it is the only logical conclusion. First, I have never met a worm that I have ever even remotely liked so I have never opened up my heart to a worm. Sure, I'm a nice dog who tends to be loving, but that love does not extend to the worm world. When I entered the vet's office, I was petted and told what a handsome dog I am. Of course, that is just a natural reaction any normal human would have to a dog of my magnificent good looks. The vet took me to the back to take my blood which is where they have their secret cloning lab. I had to go alone so that my humans would not suspect what the true purpose of the so called blood tests would be. Dumb as most of the humans are, a couple of smarter ones might get suspicious particularly when they see the boxes that say, Clone Kit. Sure, I understand why the vet would want clones of me. I am the ultimate in doggy perfection, but I think they should have to have both my permission and the permission of my humans before they can clone me. I don't care how many copies they make, those dogs will never manage to match my intelligence and beauty, but I'm sure they would be super handsome dogs. I just hope they aren't doing it for some kind of Clone Wars. I should have checked their computer system to make sure George Lucas is not involved in their practice.

Demon Flash Bandit (Wants no Part of Clone Wars)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Bacon Prices Up, Burger King Sales Down: Bad News!

I was looking over the news today, and this dog is not happy. Most of the news articles were not good from this dog's point of view. Bacon is going up in price which means that a dog will get less bacon for his money--definitely not good news. Burger King sales are down. I plan to have BK for dinner to do my part to help them gain back their sales quota. Borders sales are down. I suspect that their sales would improve if more humans learned to read. Perhaps Borders and the other big book stores should look to the future, and spend some money making sure kids learn to read when they are young. I might add that it probably does not help Borders that most of the humans hang out there and read the books and once they have read the book, they put it back on the shelf and don't bother to buy it--not exactly a smart marketing ploy. When Mommy was a kid, drugstores used to get onto kids for reading comic books in the store. Borders puts in chairs and tables to encourage it. They could learn a few lessons in marketing from the old grouchy pharmacists.

My final comment on the news involves the humans in the tea party---add sugar. I think they would be a lot happier with the addition of sugar. Too many people in my area drink unsweetened tea, and I think it makes them grouchy. With some sugar added to the tea, perhaps they would not have made sure their members knew to avoid "unsafe" areas of Washington DC. Of course, I'm sure that some neighborhoods are safer than others, but I know that their definition of unsafe is that they might meet someone who doesn't agree with them. I think meeting people of different view points is a good thing. I suppose that is why there aren't any dogs in the tea party. We enjoy meeting new humans, and we don't tend to get into silly arguments over anything other than food and toys.

Demon Flash Bandit (News Commentary)

Monday, August 23, 2010

Pepsi Marketing Research

Because of my reputation as a dog with excellent taste, and also because my blog is so important on the Internet, I am often given advanced knowledge of products that will be on the market soon. It is a company's way of "testing the marketability" of a product. The latest company to approach me was Pepsi. They have some new ideas for soft drinks that they plan to put on the shelves if the "test" does well. This is a serious compliment to my readers because you are on the leading edge of marketing just by reading my blog.

I can understand why Pepsi is so concerned. If anyone remembers that little fiasco when they introduced Crystal Pepsi, you will understand that not all new products do well. Coke had the same issues with New Coke years ago. I don't know how Mint Pepsi will go over. I think Pepsi should have sent some samples, but I suppose if you like mint, and I do, it might be worth a try. Perhaps the mint will drown out the flavor of the Pepsi.

There are other flavors under consideration, and since they asked me to help with their market research, I will mention them so that the humans can think about them, and possibly let Pepsi know if they sound delicious so that they can consider marketing them to the masses. I will also tell you my opinion after each one for those of you of the human persuasion who will admit that dogs have better taste.

I personally do not think that Chicken Gizzard flavor will sell well. I have the same opinion of Liver Pepsi, Cottage Cheese Pepsi, Head Cheese Pepsi, McPepsi (this one is in collaboration with McDonalds and has thousand island dressing added), and Pepper Pepsi. Just because you can add the taste of a food item does not mean that it is a good plan.

There are more that are being considered: Booger Pepsi, Wood Chip Pepsi, Dirt Pepsi, Brain Pepsi, Sewer Pepsi, Blood Pepsi (that one is marketed for Twilight fans), Dog Fur Pepsi (sounds good to me), Mold Pepsi, Leprechaun Pepsi (don't ask me how they managed to catch the little guys), Methadone Pepsi (they are hoping to get a lot of return purchases on that one), and my least favorite of the group, Colonoscopy Pepsi.

There is also a plan to re-issue Crystal Pepsi but changing the name to Ink Pepsi since the Ink will give it color, and they think maybe they can get people to try it again if they don't realize it is Crystal Pepsi.

These will be issued first in regular and then in diet if they do well. This is just another item for dieters to look forward to tasting, and chances are, it will taste just as good as most other diet foods on the market.

I know these are exciting flavors, and many of my readers will look forward to trying them, but this dog plans to stick with Coca Cola. There is a reason it is number 1 in the soft drink world.

Demon Flash Bandit (Doing Marketing Research)

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Schmitty, The Weather Dog

In my area, when a human wants to find out what the weather report will be, he or she would have to depend on humans to get that information. However, the lucky humans in the New York/Rhode Island area can get that information from Schmitty, the weather dog. Schmitty is a Yorkie whose human, Ron Trotta, is a meterologist. He says that Schmitty telepathically tells him what the weather will be. Finally a human who admits that his job title is dependent on his dog. Most humans will never admit that. I suppose they are afraid if they do, then they will lose their job and their dog will replace them. You have to admit that it is a viable worry for them. All us dogs know that our humans would be lost without us, but finally a human with the courage to admit that fact. This dog wants to say that it is about time a human gave his dog credit where credit is due, and I'm sure Schmitty is happy to have his human help him by interpreting his thoughts. Some of us dogs have learned human, but most dogs don't want to bother learning an inferior language. We prefer dog over all other languages. I do have to tell you that most dogs make the chihuahuas slow down. They start yapping, and they have a problem with speaking dog slow enough for the rest of us. Most of us dogs are much more laid back then chihuahuas. My theory is that because they are so small, they have more to "prove". Anyway, Schmitty, all us dogs are proud of your accomplishments, and I hope to read more stories about humans admitting their dogs' accomplishments on the Internet.

Demon Flash Bandit (Saluting Schmitty, the Weather Dog)

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Howell, Michigan's Melonfest

The town in which this dog lives in having a Melonfest this weekend. This festival is to honor a melon. I think this festival started because they wanted to keep the melons busy because a couple of melons want to elope and the town fathers told them that they "can't elope, and therefore, they had to start a festival to keep them busy. Okay, I know that is lame, but how did they get the name cantalope anyway? You have to admit, it is an odd name to come up with off the top of your head.

Anyway, the town is not a large town and this is a big deal for many of the residents. I can understand why it is a big event. They have tables set up selling melons because you can't just buy them at your local supermarket. They have melon ice cream, and various melon merchandise. I saw a dog wearing a melon as a hat, and I asked him about it. I got a rant about the humans going nuts, and I can't say I blame him. He did look ridiculous. There were humans dressed a melons, which is just sad. I should have gotten a photo, but I was too busy deciding whether to laugh or lose my dinner. There is a tent selling melon beer. I guess is must be good because there were plenty of humans drinking it, and most of them seemed to be having a good time. I think part of that might have been due to the melon beer, but I didn't stay long enough to do any serious research. This dogs plans to avoid the Melonfest. I only went through the town yesterday because it was just starting and the traffic wasn't too bad yet. Mommy will get to Burger King without going through town today. When I want my dinner, I do not want to traffic slowing me down.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Local Melonfest)

Friday, August 20, 2010

I'm not Getting "Guzzied Up"

Yesterday I was listening to my humans, Mommy and Jeff having a conversation. Have you ever listened to the humans? They can be hilarious and they don't even mean to be funny. They were discussing things that might be around in the future. How did they get on the subject? I swear this is true....it was because of the television show, Dexter. Jeff said that Dexter could teach his baby, Harrison to become a serial killer, and Mommy said the show won't be on long enough because Harrison is a baby now, and Jeff said they could set the show in the future, and have flying cars and that sort of thing. Yes, I suspect that I probably have funnier humans than average. I have yet to have another dog tell me that their humans have these sorts of discussions. Anyway, Mommy then told Jeff that when she was in the second grade in 1962, they were promised "picture phones". It was an exciting concept at the time--at least for the children. Now they have picture phones, and Jeff said that he could see why they wouldn't be so popular since no one wants to get "guzzied up" to talk on the phone. Jeff was born and raised in Michigan, and Mommy is a southerner so it did her heart good to see that he had picked up one of the funnier southern descriptions. Now Mommy is trying to find more ways to use the term, "guzzied up" in everyday conversation. It reminded her of an episode of Blackadder, when the general liked the word, goobledygook, and decided to work it into conversations more often. I can see where this could become embarrassing. I do not want to be in the middle of Petsmart looking over the toy aisle, and have Mommy ask me if I want to go to the clothing section so I can get guzzied up for some stupid event she thinks up. I'm sure the dogs in Brighton, Michigan would laugh and call me a redneck dog. It isn't that I really care. I think rednecks and dogs probably think along the same lines on many things. For example, if a redneck wants to have 10 cars sitting up on blocks in their front yard, I have yet to meet a dog who would mind. Anyway, all of this over a discussion of whether they think Dexter will teach their son to be a serial killer or not. I'm not sure which of the humans got the idea of having a "nice serial killer" show, but it seems to be a popular show so I guess it was a good idea. I do think that Dexter and his family could use a dog so that they look like a more normal family. Families are supposed to have dogs or at least a cat.

I have to go now, and NOT get guzzied up for a nap. How the humans ever got put in charge is beyond me. Maybe they got guzzied up and were put in charge by a guzzied up human. No dog would have put them in charge. We know how silly the humans can be.

Demon Flash Bandit (Not Getting Guzzied Up)

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Ice Cream Cone Buildings--Architectural Genius!

Imagine my excitement when I discovered on the Internet that there are several ice cream buildings for sale. There are 2 Twisty Treats Ice Cream Cone buildings available in Florida that can stay where they are or be moved to a new location. I think my humans should buy one of these buildings while they are still available. Angel Zoom Smokey and myself happen to love ice cream so we would be willing to taste test the product for "quality control", and the humans would have something useful to do with their time--serve us ice cream. Sure, they could do it from a regular square or rectangular building, but owning a building shaped like an ice cream cone is much more fun. In fact, if my humans didn't want to run an ice cream shop, I think the building would make a great dog house. Angel Zoom Smokey and myself like to live in the human house, but it would be a nice place to hang out when we are outside, and the other neighborhood dogs would have a place to visit. If they leave all the ice cream equipment in the building, us dogs could make our own treats. I think that would be very cool--particularly since it is ice cream and ice cream is supposed to be cool.

I've got to go now. I printed up a copy of the information for the ice cream buildings that are for sale which I will cleverly hide in Mommy's magazine.
I can only hope my humans are as excited over this ad as I was.

Demon Flash Bandit (Ice Cream Cone Building--Architectural Genius)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Captain Demon Flash Bandit

I overheard my humans talking about taking a cruise so, naturally, I was a bit curious as to what a cruise on a boat would be like. From what I found in my research, I can only say "ahoy mates, and shiver me dingo bones, I'm ready to go on a cruise". There are many cruise lines from which to choose, but I personally would recommend Salty Sam's Pirate Cruise in Fort Myers, Florida. When you go on this cruise, you will become a pirate, and you will sail on the ship, Pieces of Eight. Pieces of Eight is a replica of a Spanish galleon, and you will sail around the Gulf of Mexico pillaging and plundering, and generally scaring the fish. This is a lot more difficult that it sounds because, thanks to BP and their oil spill, fish do not scare as easily as they used to so you have to work harder to scare them. I assume that this cruise is for humans, but I can dress in clothing, and the humans will never know that I'm a dog. I can speak human, and they will just think I'm better looking that the average humans on the ship. If I dress as Capt. Jack Sparrow, they might think I'm Johnny Depp, but of course, they will be telling me how much more handsome I am in person. Little would they know I would be "in dog". Yes, I am so clever. I'm sure I would be promoted to Captain Demon Flash Bandit before the voyage is over. No human would ever suspect that I'm a dog. I wonder if we are going to go and find some treasure or maybe that fountain of youth mentioned in the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I think that fountain would be a nice thing to find because my human Mommy is getting really old and could use some of that special water.

Anyway, if you hear your humans planning a cruise, make sure you tell them about the pirate cruises. If they aren't planning a cruise, book one for yourself. A dog can use a fun vacation too.

Demon Flash Bandit (Pirate Dog)

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Quiznos: Providing Work for Unemployed Cats

Unemployment is a hard thing to live with. It is hard enough for the humans to find new jobs, but when you are an unemployed cat, the job hunt is much more difficult. This is why I was pleased to see the Quiznos ad that has the singing cats. Those cats used to be in the musical, Cats, but are now out of work. Sure, some cast members can go on to land even better jobs, but there really isn't a lot of work for cats. It is the same for the Phantom of the Opera. How many job openings do you see for Phantoms? When these shows can no longer employ these cast members, they face a life of unemployment and sometimes even homelessness. This dog thinks that the large amount of cats at animal shelters can be traced back to them losing them jobs in the show, Cats. Yes, life in the entertainment industry is difficult, and not everyone can achieve the success that I have achieved. Some pets just don't have the natural talent that some of us were lucky enough to be born with. However, that does not mean these animals can't do other jobs. There are plenty of jobs for pets even if it is just making their humans feel loved. Quiznos has gotten some criticism for using the cats--some of the humans do not like the cats commercial, but I say thanks Quiznos for employing so many out of work cat actors. You are one cool chain, and if you send over a sandwich, I will eat it, and let my readers know if it is delicious. I can't say that if I haven't tried one. I'll be home for the rest of the day. I'm waiting for my sandwich!

Demon Flash Bandit (Happy For Now Employed Cats)

Monday, August 16, 2010

I Should be Writing for AOL

It takes a lot to get this dog angry, but at the moment, I am angry enough to eat a bird. Okay, for my smartaleck regular readers, yes, I would eat a bird if I were happy. I think the only good bird is a dead bird that is a dog's meal. However, I am angry today. I was on the AOL news site, and I saw an article about annoying mascots. Of course, this is only that writer's opinion, but when I saw Burger King on the list, I decided that this person's opinion should not be shared nor tolerated. I think AOL needs to have a dog like me sharing intelligent opinions--not some silly human who called His Highness, Mr. Burger King, creepy. Yes, that was his exact word: CREEPY. Sure, the King might have went a bit insane in a couple of commercials, but there was a reason--it was over BK's products, and they are worth going bananas over. I know. I love their burgers and I eat there a lot. I have decided to write the King a letter and I want to share it with my readers.

Dear Your Highness, Mr. Burger King,

This is Demon Flash Bandit, a loyal customer, and I want you to know that I think you are a terrific mascot for your company. I would love to come and live in your perfect "Burgerland", but I have to settle for enjoying your delicious burgers at my local Burger King restaurant in Howell, MI. I hope that this slander against your royal name will not hurt your feelings, and I want you to keep in mind that you have many loyal subjects outside of Burgerland who think you are wonderful. Avoid reading the insane ranting of the human who wrote about you on AOL. I think that human should be forced to eat McDonalds for the rest of his or her life.
Love, Demon Flash Bandit

This stupid human even listed the Energizer Bunny, and this dog loves the bunny. Who would not like the bunny? Oh yeah, the crazy person who thought Mr. Burger King was annoying. If you ask me, I think the human who wrote the article is annoying.

Since I had the stationary out to write Mr. Burger King, I also sent a letter to the Queen of England, and I will share it as well.

Hi Queen Lady,
I really appreciated your last letter that explained why you haven't been able to come here to mow my yard. Of course, the offer still stands. You can still earn a cool $25.00 if you mow my yard the next time it needs mowing. I hope there are no more problems with Prince Charles. I know how sad it is for you that he spends so much time and money trying to prove that unicorns and Big Foot are best friends. All us dogs know that Big Foot is a loner and usually only pals around with other Big Feet (that is the plural of Big Foot). I do look forward to seeing you soon. After you mow, I think it would be a blast if we got on the Slip and Slide for some fun. I could have a crown added to the end of the slide if you need it to be a royal slip and slide.
Love, Demon Flash Bandit

Since this is Monday, and I have heard that Monday is a very popular day among the humans, I hope everyone is having a good one.

Demon Flash Bandit (Sane Writer)

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend

I have something special to share with my readers today. Mommy bought some new dog treats called Muttos. Muttos have 2 flavor combinations, and the ones I tried were peanut butter and green apple. There are other flavor combinations available. These treats have the Demon Flash Bandit seal of approval. They are delicious. They are also made with wholesome ingredients and 10% of their profit goes to help charitable causes. You can find out more about this company at http://www.cloudstar.com/ . Tell them Demon Flash Bandit sent you. They won't have a clue as to who you are talking about, but I love saying that.

If you ask my opinion, Angel Zoom Smokey is getting spoiled. Mommy bought her a diamond bone charm to go on her collar. I know it has real diamonds because I saw the price tag, and it cost $3.99. You know if a box of Milkbones can be purchased for the same price, the diamonds are real. If you ask me, Milkbones would be better than diamonds. Anyway, Angel Zoom Smokey is walking around the house letting the light fixture "hit" the diamonds and practically blinding me with those expensive jewels she has around her neck. If the humans want something interesting to hang around a dog's neck, I would suggest dingo bones that you can wear. They should hang long enough so that a dog can chew on them if he is in the mood. I bet a human designed Angel's jewelry---a dog would have went with dingo bones.

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Angel's Expensive Jewelry)

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Companies Need New Human Resources Humans

I saw an article on AOL Internet news yesterday that this dog decided to read. It is about the questions you should never ask on a job interview. I know if I were in Human Resources, my first order of business would be to sniff the potential employee's butt; which as any dog can tell you, is the fastest and best way to find a good employee. However, since the humans think they have better ways of doing things, I will tell you what the article said about the humans way of dealing with hiring other humans. After I read the questions you should never ask, I realized why a lot of companies are having such a problem getting competent employees, and why their customers, who have to deal with the employees they hire think many of them are insane for hiring them. For example, a potential employee should never ask if they will be required to relocate. If I were a potential employee or a potential employer, this would be a fair question and would weed out a lot of unsatisfactory employees. This is when I observed that most of the human resources workers must have gotten a college degree from the University of Fantasyland. Employment should not be a war between employer and employee--it is a beneficial relationship. If I were hiring an employee, I would prefer to know if they are unwilling to relocate if the job requires it, and if not, it would save me the trouble and money of hiring an employee who will quit after a short time. Why is it that the amount the job pays is supposed to be a big secret? I think even cats know that companies are cheap and want to pay as little as possible, and employees want as much as possible. NOTE FROM DEMON FLASH BANDIT: Slavery has been outlawed no matter how much that annoys large companies. You will ultimately be better served to live with it unless, of course, you have an entire workforce of illegal aliens in which case, you are exempt from these kinds of rules.

The thing that I noticed is that none of the questions you should never ask really had anything to do with the honesty and integrity of the potential employee or whether or not they are qualified to do the job. Most of the questions are stupid. I suppose that explains why so many of the smarter humans are starting businesses that end up competing with the company that didn't hire them. The ones with brains are less likely to put up with the hiring process. Since most modern companies can check credit ratings and Facebook pages, it is sad that they still have such a rough time finding the right people. Maybe the company should do a better job hiring the humans for Human Resources.

Demon Flash Bandit (Solving Problems for Large Companies)

Friday, August 13, 2010

Another Celebrity Letter

The grass is my yard is not getting any shorter, and I hate to announce that Jeff had to mow it. The Queen of England was too busy to come and mow it even though she did want to come here and help out. When you have to cut $4,000,000 from your household budget, that $25.00 offer to mow my yard was hard to pass up. She wrote me a letter of explanation which I have decided to share with my readers. If you remember, the last letter I got from her was written on a McDonalds napkin. If you go by stationary, the financial situation has not improved for the royal family. This one was written on a receipt from Taco Bell so I suppose the financial situation is about the same if you judge by the royal stationary she is using. At least she is eating good, and does not have to cook. However, I would have skipped McDonalds and went right for Burger King. I suppose she must be taking saving those royal dollars very seriously--McDonalds does tend to be a little cheaper. This dog says you get what you pay for and the Queen should spring for a little more change to get a better burger.

Here is the letter:

Howdy my Favorite Blogging Puppy, Demon Flash Bandit,

Demon, I am so sorry that I was unable to come and mow your grass. You have been so sweet to take such an interest in my financial plight. It is so good to know that there are dogs like you in the world that care about what happens to me, the Queen of England. Ever since that little fiasco back in the late 1700's, with our colonies in America, the Americans never seem to worry too much about the problems of the royal family. I have been so touched by your generosity. It isn't every dog that would offer to pay me $25.00 to mow their yard, and even provide the mower. It would be difficult for me to use the official Palace mower because you are so far away. I would welcome a trip to the United States because it would be a nice getaway for me. I would also enjoy hanging out with you and your peeps, Demon, because you seem like a fun dog to hang out with.

I do want to explain why I was unable to mow the yard for you. As you know, I have a group of royal pain in the arse relatives who can't seem to take care of themselves. I had a plane booked to come and mow your yard and have a nice visit with you when Prince Charles announced that he had finally proved that unicorns and Big Foot are pals. According to Charles, they are always getting together at Loch Ness, where the Loch Ness Monster has a bed and breakfast lake. That is when I knew it was time to call in the royal psychiatrist. Charles is resting comfortably after being given enough tranquilizers to sedate an elephant. I know your grass will need cutting again, and I am hoping that Charles will be better before that happens so that I can come and cut your grass the next time it needs to be cut.

Love, Da Queen

As you can see, the Queen meant to come and mow, but had some family problems at home. I hope she can come next time because I would love to see her, and I think we would have a nice visit.

Demon Flash Bandit (Sharing Another Celebrity Letter)

Thursday, August 12, 2010

3-D Televisions

Mommy went to see the movie, Dinner for Schmucks, and she said it was a very funny movie. I think this movie is going to be very popular with cats when it arrives on DVD since one of the characters dresses dead mice. I think a cat would probably find it interesting to eat a mouse that is wearing a suit. I wonder--do you think the other cats who haven't seen the movie will believe him?
Charles the Cat: I ate a mouse yesterday who was wearing a tuxedo and top hat. Ginger the Skeptical cat: Sure you did, and I ate one wearing pajamas.
Of course, Ginger did not eat a mouse wearing pajamas, but there is no way she is going to look like she is eating ordinary mice when Charles is eating high class mice.

My subject for today is movies made in 3-D. Since 3-D is becoming very popular, and many movies are being made in the 3-D format, it makes this dog wonder if the humans are going to spend the money to buy the new 3-D televisions that are on the market now. Personally, this dog prefers the old technology where you don't need to buy a new television, but the humans have to wear really silly looking paper glasses that make their dogs laugh and laugh. It also makes me wonder if humans like my Mommy will be willing to wear the glasses if she bought the television. Mommy hates to wear reading glasses and most of the time she doesn't wear them which explains why there are missed typos in my blog because she won't wear the reading glasses. It also makes me wonder about dogs. Can we see the movie in 3-D if we wear the glasses? I'm not sure I would like to wear glasses. I think I might have the same attitude as Mommy. Will they even manufacture 3-D glasses that will fit dogs? It is sad that I can't see Snow Dogs or Eight Below in 3-D. I think those are both wonderful movies.

Demon Flash Bandit (Writing About New Technology)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Ice Cream CEO

It has been hot here, and this dog looks forward to his nightly serving of ice cream. When I say ice cream, I mean ice cream not some doggy version of ice cream. Some dogs do like Frosty Paws. However, I was with my humans when I was a little puppy, they went through drive through and Daddy ordered an ice cream cone for Mommy. As Daddy was handing the ice cream to Mommy, it was intercepted by me, Demon Flash Bandit, and I got a taste of that delicious sweet cold vanilla ice cream, this dog was not settling for a doggy substitution of that delicious bit of heaven. I know what real ice cream tastes like and that is what I want.

This brings me to a story from Mommy's childhood. Mommy is not a young person. In fact, she is so old that if she were a dog, she would have exited this plane of existence a long time ago. Most of us dogs are familiar with the ice cream trucks that go through the neighborhoods in the summer that play music and kids can stop them and buy ice cream. I would love to stop them myself, but when a dog is on a leash, you can't just run and stop the truck anytime you want a nice cold tasty ice cream. Evidently, when Mommy was young, there were actually men who went through her neighborhood on foot pushing a cart filled with ice cream. This peaked my interest because, since I am a sled dog, I am very strong, and I know I could pull a small freezer full of ice cream since it is on wheels and would be easy to pull. I once pulled a shed as a puppy. Yes, my humans learned that, even as a puppy, I can pull a lot of weight. Anyway, if I could locate one of these treasures, I could carry ice cream with me everywhere I go so that myself and my friends could have a snack anytime we want. In fact, this dog could even go into business as an ice cream dog. I'm not sure if I would make any money after helping myself to the product, but at least I would love my work. I already have a toy store on the Internet (http://www.demondigstoys.weebly.com/) and I could be wrong, but I think I am the only dog operating a human toy store on the Internet. Stop by and visit whether you buy or not---I have a blog about toys on there too, and I think it is brilliant and very entertaining. I hope I can locate one of those freezers on wheels and start a new business. Maybe I can trick Angel Zoom Smokey into doing the work for me. She can be the hired employee and I can be the CEO. It is just that kind of business plan that has made me the successful dog I am now. I just hope Angel Zoom Smokey doesn't read this blog!
Demon Flash Bandit (Ice Cream CEO)

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

You Might Be a Chicken.....

Many of my readers are probably familiar with the comedy of Jeff Foxworthy, who has done the world a service by letting them know how to identify rednecks. Today, I plan to offer a similar service by helping everyone identify chickens.


1. If you have feathers and are being eaten by a dog, you might be a chicken.

2. If your brain is smaller than a peanut, you might be a chicken.

3. If you pee on your feathers, you might be a chicken.

4. If you get stuffing put up your butt, you might be a chicken.

5. If you have wings and can't fly, you might be a chicken.

6. If you run around after your head has been cut off, you might be a chicken.

7. If you lay eggs, you might be a chicken.

8. If you wear a disguise to look like human guys (Animaniacs), you might be a chicken.

9. If you wake people at dawn, you might be a chicken.

10. If you look around in paranoid fashion, you might be a chicken.

11. If you are contacted by the Easter Bunny in Spring for a huge egg order, you might be a chicken.

12. If you are in Angel Zoom Smokey's tummy , you might be a chicken.

13. If you shake your tail feathers, you might be a chicken.

14. If you hate Colonel Sanders, you might be a chicken.

15. If you do a stupid dance at a wedding, you might be a chicken.

16. If you allow Mel Gibson to voice a relative (movie, Chicken Run), you might be a chicken.

17. If you peck people on the neck, you might be a chicken vampire.

18. If you color your eggs, you might be a flamboyant chicken.

19. If you are scared by the initials, KFC, you might be a chicken.

20. If you avoid military service, you might be a chicken.

21. If the phrase, original recipe upsets you, you might be a chicken.

22. If Mr. Bean has ever gotten his head stuck in your butt, you might be a chicken (or turkey).

23. If you taste good with almonds, you might be a chicken.

24. If you can't tell if your baby is a boy or girl, you might be a chicken.

25. If you won't live in the state of Kentucky, you might be a chicken.

26. If Angel Zoom Smokey is following you around, you might be a chicken.

I hope this list helps you identify chickens when you meet them. They are good eating.

I might share some of my chicken jokes with you in a future blog, but I will end this blog with one chicken joke. Foghorn Leghorn. No, he may be a cartoon chicken, but he is not the joke. The joke is: What do you call a chicken who wakes a dog in the morning? Breakfast!!!!

I hope everyone has a good day!

Demon Flash Bandit (Helping Dogs to Identify Chickens)

Monday, August 9, 2010

Jennifer Anniston Does Not Look Like Mrs. Potato Head

Today this blog is being written because there is a really silly debate going on in this house. It seems Mommy watched The Bounty Hunter and said that Jennifer Anniston is beautiful. It seems that many of the humans agree with Mommy so that should be a safe subject. However, Jeff does not think she is beautiful. He says she reminds him of Mrs. Potato Head because of her nose. He brought in Mrs. Potato Head from Toy Story 3 to illustrate his point. (Perhaps the saddest part of this blog is that Jeff actually owns a Mrs. Potato Head from Toy Story 3.) Mommy claims that she could see no resemblance whatsoever to Jennifer Anniston and Mrs. Potato Head. Frankly, this dog didn't see it either, but I was enjoying the argument too much to get involved. Besides, sometimes taking sides with the humans can affect the amount of treats a dog receives and I don't mess with my treat supply. Jeff pointed out that Jennifer Anniston and Mrs. Potato Head had the same nose. Then that sent Mommy on a tirade about how when she was young, Mr. Potato Head had more than one nose to choose from and different mouths. She said he didn't come with an actual potato so you had to get one from your mother which meant that an entire generation of youth were told that they couldn't just come in anytime and ask for a potato, it isn't like they grow in the ground. {NOTE FROM DEMON FLASH BANDIT: They do, in fact, grow in the ground, but maybe parents back then didn't know that. There have been many important scientific discoveries made since Mommy was a child.} Anyway, the debate between Jeff and Mommy reached a stalemate, and both decided that it really didn't matter what the other thought. However, I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate the Potato Head family for starring in the motion picture, Toy Story 3. They both did a great job, and I hope that they go on to star in more films. Talent like theirs should not go to waste.

Demon Flash Bandit (Does Not Think Jennifer Anniston Looks Like Mrs. Potato Head)

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Junk Yard

I just heard of a cool place that has this dog super excited. Did you know that there is a place called a junk yard that sounds like a fun place for a dog? When stuff becomes "junk", the humans throw it away, and all us dogs know that garbage is among the most interesting stuff on the planet. What dog would not want to spend his time rummaging around checking out all the cool items that the silly humans wanted to throw away? I have seen my humans throw out things that, when I tell other dogs about it, they are incredulous. Why would a human throw that out? Yes, that is what I always here from my pals. No self respecting dog would ever throw away such treasures. I think junk yards mainly deal in car garbage, but I could jump into an old car and sit behind the steering wheel and pretend I am driving which is always fun. It would also be cool to stick my head out of the window, and have a fan strategically placed so that the wind blows my fur. It is like having the joy of riding without having to actually go anywhere. I have to go now. I am going to get the phone book and see where the nearest junk yard is around here. A junk yard is just too much fun for a dog to pass up. By the way, I know dogs love them because some dogs live there and are called "junk yard dogs". What a lucky group of dogs they are.

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Junk Yards)

Saturday, August 7, 2010

No Toothpaste For This Dog!

I know it may sound like I am bragging, but fact is fact. I have very strong teeth. Most dogs have strong teeth. My teeth can chew through a dingo bone, rawhide bone, or the tire on a car. I could probably chew through steel if I gave it a try. On the other paw, humans have very, very weak teeth. You might ask, Demon Flash Bandit, how do you know their teeth are weaker than ours? The answer is simple. Besides the obvious lack of them chewing on things like rawhide bones, they use something called tooth paste. Yes dogs, their teeth are so weak that they are always trying to make sure they don't fall out by pasting them onto their gums. Yes, it is weird if you ask me. This dog has good teeth and no use for toothpaste.

I have another important subject to ponder. Taco Bell does not sell bells. That just seems wrong to me. Why isn't it called Taco Tacos or Taco Restaurant? Why call it Taco Bell? Wouldn't you think that it was a store selling bells with that name? I know I do.

The latest update in the shooting of Bear Bear is that the shooter has PTSD, yet he is a police officer. Either they don't check out their employees very well or he just wanted to kill a dog that day. This dog is going with the latter.

Demon Flash Bandit (Humans Have to Keep Teeth with Toothpaste)

Friday, August 6, 2010

I Saw a UFO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday my blog was about the shooting of Bear Bear, a Siberian Husky, who was playing in a dog park in Maryland. Today the first step in justice was achieved, the policeman who shot Bear Bear's name is Keith Shephard. Keith spent 2 tours in Iraq, and came home to be a a federal police officer, and is walking around with a gun when he is off duty--talk about a time bomb! Daddy spent a year in combat in VietNam, and he never felt the need to walk around in the United States with a gun to protect him, and Daddy lived in Detroit. Detroit is a place where many of the non veteran humans feel the need to carry guns. I think judging from Keith's behavior in this incident, he has some mental problems and should be getting some help. However, all gun privileges for this man should be taken away. No one who grabs a gun as the first line of action should be carrying a gun. If you ask this dog, many of the humans who want guns the most are the ones who should be carrying them the least. Anyway, this is the first step in justice for Bear Bear. Evidently, at least one of Keith's neighbors thought he was a loose cannon. It is a shame that society often doesn't do anything about these humans until they hurt another human or animal.

As my regular readers are aware, I normally do not have a sad blog, and today is no exception. Today's topic is about UFOs. These objects are so important that many television documentaries have been made about them. The humans are always reporting seeing them, and have many theories as to why they are here. Perhaps they are here to grab humans to mate with them. I can understand that reason--have you seen the photos of the giant headed aliens? I would want to find someone better looking if I were them too. Perhaps they are here to get our natural resources. Did they come here to see Observe and Report so they will have something to compare their bad movies with? Some theorize that humans are their descendants, and they are coming here to check up on them. Some think they are here to keep humans from destroying themselves. Perhaps they just invented probes and want to have some humans on which to use the probes.
I have to report that this dog saw a UFO yesterday, and I don't want anyone to think I was drunk (I usually only drink water and the occasionally frozen root beer) or crazy, but I went outside last night and I witnessed a UFO with my own two blue eyes. It was a routine night outside. I went out to water the shrubs and trees because they depend on me to keep them watered. Then I looked up and there it was: it was furry and had king of a long nose and it almost sounded like a dog. However, it was definitely a UFO---Unidentified Furry Object. I am not sure if they came from another planet or not, but I think they did judging from their looks because dogs on Earth do not look like them. Luckily for me, research has been done on this subject, and some of the humans have found answers to some of the questions. I found a nature book with a photo that looks like the UFO I saw. I have no idea what planet it originates from, but it is called a porcupine so it must come for the Porcucanis planet which is in a far off galaxy. Studying space is interesting. I hope that someday I will meet a dog from Sirius, the Dog Star. I'm sure we would have a lot of fun playing together.

Until tomorrow.........

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Saw UFO)

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Bear Bear---The Policeman Who Killed him is Low Life Scum!!!!!!!

Today's blog is about a very sad subject--the shooting of Bear Bear, a 3 year old Siberian Husky at a dog park in Maryland. It seems an off duty federal police officer entered the park with his German Shepherd, Asia, on a leash. Bear Bear went over to play with Asia. (It makes this dog wonder--isn't the purpose of a dog park to let your dog run off leash so why was Asia on a leash?) and the dogs started playing. The policeman, whose name was withheld, decided to get out his gun and shoot Bear Bear because he thought they were fighting, who died from the wounds. I have no idea why a policeman would think it is a good idea to shoot in a public place with other dogs and humans around. The local police were going to sweep the whole event under the proverbial rug until the story got into the media and Internet, and they got so many calls of protest about it. The following day, they announced that there will be an investigation. This bothers me because how can you trust them to do an honest investigation when they were so quick to hush the whole thing up and pat the fellow officer on the back? This is the problem with the police. There are many good police officers, but the job also attracts a group who are scum who want power. They think that if they carry a gun and have other police back them up no matter what they do, they are above the law. This makes the good officers look bad by association. Personally, I think the good officers should quit sticking up for them, and let them face the consequences of their actions. I would like to know why the off duty policeman had to bring his own gun to the dog park and why did he have it loaded with hollow bullets? Why did he feel that the only way to deal with the situation was to start shooting. It sounds like this man has some serious mental issues, and should be relieved of his job and his gun and never be allowed to carry a gun again. I hope Asia is taken away from him. My theory is that if you could ask Asia, Asia would tell you that he is a worthless piece of scum!!!! I have made it my mission to make sure this piece of garbage gets what he deserves. I will update this situation in my blog as it develops, and I hope that my readers will let as many people as they can know what happened to Bear Bear. Even if the "system" lets him get by with it, that does not mean that regular people can't ostracize him and let him know how it feels to be lower than a possum on the popularity scale. I can only add that I think all us dogs will be praying that the Big Guy makes sure Bear Bear gets justice.
Demon Flash Bandit (Demanding Justice for Bear Bear)

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Must See Movie. Cats and Dogs: Revenge of Kitty Galore

Mommy went to see a movie yesterday; and of course, there was no problem with deciding which movie to see: it was Cats and Dogs 2: The Revenge of Kitty Galore. I would have liked to review this movie for my readers, but I was unable to because dogs are not allowed in theatres. I ran for President in 2008 to end this type of discrimination against dogs, but as my pals are well aware, the election was rigged in favor of the humans. My dog pals had to bring a pencil to write in my name--they left it off the ballots---can you believe it? However, the constant discrimination against myself and my fellow dogs is a topic for another blog. I know my readers want to know how the movie turned out. The plot of the movie was that one rogue cat agent, Kitty Galore, came up with an evil plan to make dogs and humans lose their bond of love. The other cats then teamed up with dogs to stop Kitty Galore because cats love their humans as much as dogs do even if many of them don't like to show it. There was also a pigeon. I think he was dinner for the cats after the filming---at least that is what this dog is going to believe. I think birds were created to be dinner. Anyway, it is a good movie for the humans who like dogs and cats. (By the way, dogs and Cats would have been a better title.) I look forward to seeing this movie when it comes out on DVD or blu ray. I think the humans should spring for the blu ray. We dogs are so good looking that hi def is always a good plan.

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Critic)

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Demon Flash Bandit: Dog Who Wants a Driver's License

I have a brilliant new plan for getting to drive the car. I know I have mentioned in the past the unfairness of the humans' rule about not allowing dogs to get driver's licenses. I think most dogs would make excellent drivers with the possible exception of small dogs like chihuahuas who aren't big enough to see over the steering wheel. Of course, I can see the humans making small dog accessible cars for them once most dogs start driving. But I digress, the topic of today's blog is my brilliant plan to prove once and for all to the humans that dogs would be great drivers. My plan it to have a bumper sticker made that says "how is my driving?" and put the phone number of the local police department on the bumper sticker. Then I will sneak the car keys from Mommy's purse when she isn't paying attention. When I am out on the road, people will see the bumper sticker and start calling law enforcement to tell them what a good driver I happen to be. Once the police realize how good us dogs can drive, there will be no reason to ban us from getting a driver's license. This plan won't work for cats. Toonses the cat from Saturday Night Live has ruined their reputation for driving. Personally, I think cats are too careless since they know they have so many lives.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Wants a Driver's License)

Monday, August 2, 2010

Demon Flash Bandit: Movie Critic

Is it already time for another blog posting? Does the Internet not realize that a dog has better things to do with his time? I'm sitting here at the computer writing when there are dog butts that I could be sniffing. I have always said that the humans would be fooled a lot less often by other humans is they practiced smelling the other humans' butts when they meet. It works for us dogs.

Angel Zoom Smokey and myself settled in with Mommy yesterday to watch the movie, Observe and Report, and this dog has to admit that this is one movie that I'm glad dogs weren't allowed into the theatre to see. Mommy watched the whole thing and said she didn't like it. Angel Zoom Smokey and myself bailed after about half an hour. I would much rather have a bath than be forced to waste my time watching such a bad movie.

On the subject of movies, this dog has decided that I should be hired as a movie critic. To my knowledge, there are no other dogs who are movie critics. The really great part of my plan is that no theatre could refuse to allow me in to see a movie if I am a critic. If only I had thought of this in time to see Cats and Dogs 2: The Revenge of Kitty Galore. I've seen the trailers and this looks like it is the best movie of the year up until now.

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Critic)

Sunday, August 1, 2010

White Fang DVD Winners Announced

I would like to congratulate Khyra and sometimes her mom and Kira for being winners of the White Fang dvd. I just happen to have 2 of them and I decided that both of you deserve to win. Thanks for all your comments! Be sure and contact Mommy--her email address is Donnastansberry@gmail.com with your address so that she can send the prize to you.

Now Burger King has outdone themselves. In addition to delicious burgers, they have toys from the movie Cats and Dog 2: Revenge of Kitty Galore. Be sure and get your toys before they run out. Mommy got the first one Friday when she got my burgers, and my burgers were delicious, as always.

I have written several blogs offering the Queen of England $25.00 to mow my yard. She even wrote me that nice letter back that I shared with my readers. Yet, she still hasn't gotten her royal butt over here to mow the yard. Therefore, I wrote her a letter, and I thought I would share it with my readers.

Dear Queen Lady,

I know that as a member of the royal family, you probably are not used to doing much physical labor, but since you have been having to cut back 7% on your household expenses, you will find that you will have to work a lot harder to survive. Don't think you are alone. The economy has been rough for lots of humans, and their dogs. At least you still have your main job so you can still live well even if you do have to do a few odd jobs to make ends meet. As I have already informed you, the grass is not getting any shorter. Perhaps you need to have your Corgis explain it to you. I could call in someone else who needs money like Jay Leno. He retired and needed money so much that he returned to work and proceeded to make much of the country hate him. That takes guts. I'm sure he would not turn down my lawn mowing offer. If his show continues to slip in the ratings, he might still join the NBC executives in the unemployment line.

I have an added treat for you besides meeting me, Demon Flash Bandit. I am going to take you shopping for some new clothes. I know money is tight, but you are a Queen and should not look like you got your clothing at the Royal Salvation Army. Queens are in charge of the army, but they don't have to buy their clothing from them. I will take you to Meijer, which happens to be a favorite store for my family. It is a bit like Walmart only nicer. Walmart is across the street if you don't find anything you like at Meijer. The advantage to these 2 stores is that you can dress well without having to blow your royal budget.

In fact, I plan to help you with your budget as only regular humans and dogs can. I will teach you to cut coupons out of the newspaper. Believe me, those baked beans will taste a lot better when you have the satisfaction of knowing you saved 10 cents on the can. I would suggest a membership to a place like Costco where you can get the necessities like tea in bulk. You can also buy some nice paper plates and matching cups so that when you have a tea party, you will look classy and still not have to wash that china you probably have. Of course, you have the Corgis to wash the dishes so that might not be an issue for you, and I'm sure they enjoy helping you with them.

I look forward to hearing your reply. You seem like a nice grandmother type person but as most grandmothers would tell you, the grass is not getting any shorter.
Your pal, Demon Flash Bandit

Mommy just finished watching Inglorious Basterds. Mommy had already decided that it didn't look good from its trailer, and the trailer was on target in her opinion. Jeff wanted to see it so she watched it too. Her summation of the movie was that it was okay--nothing to get excited about. Quentin Tarantino is planning to make a new version of the Titanic movie, but in the new one, the ship does not sink. Sorry, I didn't mean to spoil the movie for those of you who are anxious to see the reboot of Titanic. When a dog has advanced information, sometimes he can't help barking about it.

It is time for me to stop writing and mush into the kitchen to see what I'm going to have for dinner. If Mommy is cooking chicken or if I will get Burger King. I'm okay with either one.

Demon Flash Bandit (Congratulating the Giveaway Winner)