Movie Review: Dark Shadows

After the Michigan ComicCon Saturday, I went to the theatre to see Dark Shadows. Johnny Depp stars as Barnabus Collins in a movie version of a television show from the 70's. Barnabus Collins, a rich and influential man from the 1700's, was turned into a vampire when he did not return the love of a woman who turned out to be a witch. He was chained and buried, and was accidentally dug up in 1972. He returns to his ancestral home (Collinwood) to find the modern day Collins family, and all their problems. The witch who loved him is still around and still wants him to love her, but he loves another. The movie has many funny moments, and it is enjoyable, but I suspect it would have been better had they stuck more to the original Dark Shadows concept. This is why I give it 4 paws up which is about a 7 out of 10 on the human movie scale. It is still very entertaining, and Johnny Depp, as usual, does a great job. I recommend this movie because it is a good way to spend an afternoon or evening.

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Critic)

Movie Review: The Pirates: Band of Misfits

Yesterday I went to the theatre so that I could do a movie review of The Pirates: Band of Misfits for my blog readers. This story is about the Pirate Captain who is trying to get the most booty so he can win the contest for the honor of being the "Pirate of the Year". There is stiff competition for this coveted prize. The Pirate Captain signs up for the competition on Blood Island, and then leaves the island to sail the seas in search of treasure. On the search, he finds a scientific vessel and meets Charles Darwin who persuades him that he can find the treasure he seeks in London which is where Queen Victoria lives and she hates pirates. However, the Pirate Captain is willing to face the danger in order to win the Pirate of the Year Award. I am a big fan of the Pirates movie franchise, but I must admit that Johnny Depp's performance as the Pirate Captain was not up to his usual brilliant performance, and they did not seem to remember that his name was Jack Sparrow. I can only assume that is a problem with the writers who sometimes forget the character's names. I was also a bit disappointed that the movie gave such a big part to a bird. As my regular readers know, I am not a fan of birds and I think they cause most of the problems in the world. However, the bird was kind of cute so I am making an exception for her in the movie. By the way, her name is Polly. I didn't hear her talk any which shows that she is a nice bird who isn't one of those diva types who gets angry if she doesn't get a lot of lines. I give this movie 4 paws up and a tail wag which is a 7 out of 10 on the human movie scale. It is rated PG, but I think most parents would not have much objection to their children seeing this movie.

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Reviewer)

Letter From Johnny Depp

Since the new movie, Pirates of the Carribean: On Stranger Tides came out this weekend, I thought it would be a good time to share this letter I got from my celebrity pal, Johnny Depp. I am happy to be Johnny Depp's pal, and he is truly a great guy. Maybe one day when he isn't so busy, we can go to Burger King together. Being a big star, I'm sure he must be used to elegant restaurants like Burger King. Here is the letter:

Dear Demon Flash Bandit,

Once again, one of my movies is on the big screen, and I am so glad I got the part of Captain Jack Sparrow in the original movie since I know you were up for the part. I know it was a stroke of luck that you chose not to take the role because you didn't want to wear a pirate's hat, and you said filming the movie would interfere with your napping. I know that the women say I'm handsome, but I have to admit that if you were willing to wear the hat, you would have been one gorgeous pirate. I cannot compete with your gorgeous blue eyes or that lovely curly tail you have. I just want to let you know that I have done my best to portray Captain Jack Sparrow in a way befitting the honor of taking the role from you. I can only hope that one day I will have the honor of playing a dog--that is every actor's dream.

Your Pal, Johnny Depp (Captain Jack Sparrow)

I want my pals to know that I think Johnny Depp did an excelllent job of portraying Captain Jack Sparrow, and I am glad he got the part because I really hate to interrupt my nap time with work.

Demon Flash Bandit (Happy To Nap)

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!

It is Christmas Eve, and this dog is excited about all the cool stuff Santa Paws will bring me tomorrow. I want to take this opportunity to give Santa Paws credit for being a nice guy who gives reindeer a second chance. I know I was touched to find that one of the reindeer, Nixon (sometimes mispronounced Dixon), was allowed to put on the antlers and become one of Santa Paws reindeer when he resigned from his Presidential office. I did hear complaints from the other reindeer about him constantly telling them he is not a crook. Cupid, the little guy who shoots the love arrows at humans got tired of doing that and he put on the antlers also. Don't worry--he got a replacement so that the humans will still fall in love. Donner is part of the Donner party so the other reindeer like to stay out of his way--particularly if he looks hungry. Blitzen used to have a drinking problem, but he has managed to keep it under control since joining Santa Paw's team. It would be nice if I could say the same thing about Rudolph, but you know it isn't true--why else would his nose be so red?

My human brother Jeff is busy talking about the actors that he is planning to cast as reindeer because he is planning to compete with Santa Paws. I'm sure if Johnny Depp was offered a part playing a reindeer, he would take it. He seems to enjoy playing odd characters. I just hope he is warned to stay away from Donner if he is offered such a part.

I only have on thing to add: MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR from Demon Flash Bandit!!!!!!!

Movie Review: Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader

My secretary, the human, didn't think staying home and taking my dictation for my post yesterday was important and she headed to the theatre to see a movie. It would have been nice if I could have went with her, but dogs aren't allowed. I won't say anymore about it because it begins to sound like a broken record. I'm not old enough to remember records except that there are still a bunch of them in the basement collecting dust, but I'm told that they would occasionally skip and start repeating the same phrase. I guess the humans felt they could come up with something better so they invented live music. Of course, a dog had to invent cds. Who do you think invented records. You don't really think the humans have that kind of intelligence, do you?

Anyway, I asked my secretary about the movie and I am going to give a movie review judging from what she said. The movie is The Chronicles of Narnia:The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. There are these 2 children who have been to a place called Narnia before. Narnia is supposed to be an "imaginary" place that is real. This time they take their cousin with them. There is a voyage, sword play, a talking bull, and a talking mouse who is a master of swordsmanship. My secretary said it is a good movie. I asked if they showed the kids smoking something before they entered Narnia.

My secretary said the theatre had a commercial for Kia before the movie. It was the classic one with the rapping hamsters. I think Kia should just stick with the hamsters and forget about the cars. Considering that in the commercial, the toaster is bigger than the car, I'm assuming that Kia stands for Kan't Include Actual Humans. I don't know of any humans who can fit into a toaster and ride around comfortably. Those rapping hamsters are quite talented, and I would buy their cd if they made one. Sometimes companies should go with their strengths.

This dog should go into movie making. I think I would make a tremendous star....move over Johnny Depp....its Demon Flash Bandit.

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Reviewer and Potential Star)

Dancing With the Zombies

Listening to the humans conversations is one of my sources of daily entertainment. Yesterday, the humans were discussing zombies. The last movie Jeff saw was Resident Evil, which apparently had zombies in it. The movie went a step further and had zombie dogs which were trying to eat people. What do you expect from zombie dogs? Aren't zombie humans trying to eat people too, and that makes them cannibals. At least the dogs aren't eating other dogs and being cannibals. Anyway, it sounded like a stupid movie to me. I don't think Mommy thought the movie she saw, Eat, Pray, Love, was the greatest movie she had ever seen; but she was happy to report that it was zombie less. Anyway, Jeff then asked Mommy what she had against zombie movies, and she told him that she was okay with Sean of the Dead because it was funny, and she liked Zombieland, but she said most zombie movies are just stupid. Besides, Resident Evil was based on a video game, and most people Mommy's age are bad at video games. When Mommy was young, Atari ruled the video game world with games like Pac Man and Space Invaders. As they improved the graphics of the game, many of Mommy's age group became handicapped in playing video games. When Sonic the Hedgehog came out on Sega Genesis, which was a $300. system that my brother had to have back then, Mommy played the game a couple of times, and she could handle making the hedgehog look at her and stomp his foot. Evidently, the object of the game was not to annoy the hedgehog, but that was all Mommy wanted to do on the game. Now the video games have moved onto include systems like WI which makes the humans actually work which, according to Mommy ruins the whole idea of playing video games. When she was a kid, children could run outside and their parents never had to buy any kind of system or games to allow it. They just opened the door and took off. They played actual games with other kids in the neighborhood which were also free or low cost since most could be played with something as simple as a ball. If you ask this dog, I think Mommy's generation has the right idea. This dog does not play video games either, but I do love to run after a ball. Anyway, evidently, zombies are not high on Mommy's list of entertainment choices even though Jeff does seem to think they are entertaining.

On the subject of entertainment, how has Dancing With The Stars lasted for 11 seasons? Are the humans really that easily entertained? Judging from the reality shows, they are. However, when the show has to book Bristol Palin to dance on there, my first and foremost question is, how is it dancing with the stars? Bristol is by no means a star. I am not being hard on the political right. I would not be any more impressed if they booked Chelsea Clinton. Why? Because Chelsea Clinton is not a star. I am not talking politics here....I'm talking logic. Maybe I can see her on one episode, but as this dog understands it, the couples keep coming back. To be fair, the stars on that show aren't really stars in the true sense of stardom. Somehow I just can't imagine Johnny Depp on the phone with Dancing with the Stars' producer......"sure, I have nothing better to do than be on Dancing With the Stars.....I told them to halt production on that new Pirates of the Caribbean movie so I can come on there and dance with the unemployed actors and actresses. Wait a minute.....I'd have to give up a truckload of cash....sorry, I'm unavailable". Don't get me wrong I am not putting down the stars on there, but I'm pointing out that the real stars usually have work to do, and aren't available for such a silly television show. I also fail to see how entertaining a bunch of humans shaking and jiggling around on stage can be. I watched a video clip of a dog who could dance on its back paws, and that was impressive. I wish I could share it on my blog, but it was not me, and I don't want to get into any trouble with the dance police.

It just occurred to me that if a network would put those two shows together to make a show called Dancing With the Zombies, I think that show would be a winner. I know I would watch it and so would my humans.


In closing, I have to make the observation that humans are easily entertained. In fact, I have seen my humans mesmerized and oohing and aahing because I wiped my face with my paw. Of course, if I saw myself do that in the mirror, I would be impressed too. I think I'll go entertain myself in the mirror for awhile. Look how cute I am!!!!!!!!1

Demon Flash Bandit (Entertainment Observations)

Captain Demon Flash Bandit

I overheard my humans talking about taking a cruise so, naturally, I was a bit curious as to what a cruise on a boat would be like. From what I found in my research, I can only say "ahoy mates, and shiver me dingo bones, I'm ready to go on a cruise". There are many cruise lines from which to choose, but I personally would recommend Salty Sam's Pirate Cruise in Fort Myers, Florida. When you go on this cruise, you will become a pirate, and you will sail on the ship, Pieces of Eight. Pieces of Eight is a replica of a Spanish galleon, and you will sail around the Gulf of Mexico pillaging and plundering, and generally scaring the fish. This is a lot more difficult that it sounds because, thanks to BP and their oil spill, fish do not scare as easily as they used to so you have to work harder to scare them. I assume that this cruise is for humans, but I can dress in clothing, and the humans will never know that I'm a dog. I can speak human, and they will just think I'm better looking that the average humans on the ship. If I dress as Capt. Jack Sparrow, they might think I'm Johnny Depp, but of course, they will be telling me how much more handsome I am in person. Little would they know I would be "in dog". Yes, I am so clever. I'm sure I would be promoted to Captain Demon Flash Bandit before the voyage is over. No human would ever suspect that I'm a dog. I wonder if we are going to go and find some treasure or maybe that fountain of youth mentioned in the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I think that fountain would be a nice thing to find because my human Mommy is getting really old and could use some of that special water.

Anyway, if you hear your humans planning a cruise, make sure you tell them about the pirate cruises. If they aren't planning a cruise, book one for yourself. A dog can use a fun vacation too.

Demon Flash Bandit (Pirate Dog)