Royal Couple Can't Dress Themselves?

Once again, I have received a letter from my pal, the Queen of England. As usual, she is writing to me because she knows I understand her problems with her family. I have decided to share the letter so we can all see how tough life is for the Queen.

Dear Demon Flash Bandit,
Now that the royal wedding is over, I was hoping to settle down and have the chance to relax. I hoped that my grandson and his new wife would settle in happily at their new home. However, you can imagine my embarrassment to find that they are now planning to hire a housekeeper and a dresser. I realize that a housekeeper might be necessary, but can you imagine how hard it is for a mother to admit that her descendants don't have enough sense to dress themselves? I can only imagine what the neighbors are saying......"I see the kids can't dress themselves.....we knew those kids were idiots from the time they were toddlers". I am hoping that the kids will learn how to dress themselves so that I can hold my head up high once again. Thanks for your encouragement, Demon Flash Bandit. I don't know what I would do without the wise counsel of an intelligent dog such as yourself.

Love, The Queen Lady

As you can see, being the Queen is not easy. There is another person in the news who is having a rough time with the media at the moment. That man is Congressman Weiner, and he is involved in something called Weinergate. I thought it might be an interesting story involving hot dogs, which are quite tasty, but it turns out it is stupid.....like most human news. That is why I haven't bothered to write much about it. I would rather concentrate on important stories. For example, there was an ad for Bit o Luv treats, which I happen to love. When my humans went to the store, the treats never arrived. This should be front page news. When a dog's favorite treats aren't available, something needs to be done. However, the media is so busy discussing Weinergate, the story of the lack of Bit o Luvs did not get covered. This is what happens when humans are allowed to run things. They have no ability to priotitize!

I hope all my readers stay cool. It has been too hot here.

Demon Flash Bandit (Royal Couple Can't Dress Themselves)

Vending Machines for Dogs-- A Great Idea!!!!

Vending machines--now they have them with pet products. Yes, it is nice to know that there are vending machines that have wonderful pet products for the humans to buy. When a dog is in the mood for a snack, the dog's human can put some money into a machine and buy the dog a treat. Actually, I am glad they have tasty treats like Bit O Luv and Yummy Chummies in the machines, but when it comes to food, I have no problem with the ice cream machines and the ones who give the humans peanut butter crackers, etc. However, when I learned that they have vending machines with dog toys, that made me happy. Sure, I am perfectly happy eating a human ice cream, but what do you do when you want to play with a ball or a frisbee and there are none available? If you are in a pet vending area, you can buy a toy like that from the machine. That has to be the coolest development in doggy marketing ever. I actually have a machine here at home where I can press the bone, and it gives me a treat. The big difference is that here at home, I don't have to pay any money for the treats. I think this is a wonderful idea, and I'm not sure why the humans didn't think of vending machines for dogs earlier. The only bad thing is that the humans never know when to stop with their ideas. They have also invented a vending machine that "gives a dog a bath". I am against this vending machine for the obvious reason that I don't like baths, and as I have mentioned in an earlier blog under rules for training humans, humans should not be allowed to bathe a dog unless they have written and notarized permission from the dog. Some humans ignore this and continue to bathe dogs without permission, but should the dog decide to have them arrested and taken to court, if they do not have the proper documentation, they would face serious penalties. In fact, they could be put in prison if the judge happens to be a dog. I wonder how many of the humans realize just how serious a matter this is. Judge Beatrice Beagle sent 3 humans to jail last month for that very reason on her television program, Doggy Court. If you haven't watched Doggy Court, you should. I love one of the lawyers on there, Larry the Labrador. You had better watch out if you go up against him. He represented Polly the Pit Bull last month and he got her humans 6 months in prison for the bath they gave her without permission, and they also have to do 300 hours of community service. I hope they have learned their lesson. Polly said the trauma of the bath still bothers her. She gets scared every time she sees a bathtub, and she is having to see a therapist. Anyway, vending machines with dog stuff--an idea whose time has come!

Demon Flash Bandit (I'll Take A Ball and a Frisbee, Please)

Make Your Own Candy Bar---Isn't That Work?

When I read that Hershey is opening a new attraction for those who love chocolate, I was excited. I have occasionally managed to grab a bite of that wonderful concoction, and it is delicious. I have a personal theory that the reason the humans say it is bad for dogs is because they are hoarding all of it for themselves. In fact, if I could get my paws on the chocolate supply, I would tell the humans it is good for dogs, but not good for them. Okay, that probably wouldn't stop most of them, but a dog can try. Hershey's Factory Works will allow a person to put on an apron and hair net, and make their own candy bar. They can add up to 3 ingredients and and then it is drenched in chocolate, and you can add little Hershey kisses shaped sprinkles. The candy is then allowed to cool and is packaged in a custom package. Sure, it sounds good, and the process could be a lot of fun, but the cost if $14.95. When this dog read that, I knew it was not for me. Why should I "work" and "make my own candy bar" which I will have to pay $14.95 for when I can go to the store, and get a candy bar that someone else has put the work into for $1.00 or less? Some dogs may not be good in math, but that means I could get about 15 candy bars for the price of one, and I don't care if they put my handsome face on the package......I'm still going to open it and eat the candy. Do you think a dog is going to smell some tasty food, and not want to eat it? If you have ever tried to open a candy bar with your paws, and I have, it isn't easy. As I said, I have managed to help myself because they were just sitting in a cabinet and all a dog had to do was climb on a chair and open a cabinet door which meant that the humans had obviously meant for me to help myself. (By the way, I didn't get sick, but the humans did confiscate it before I could eat very much of it--amid my protests.) Anyway, when a dog goes to open a candy bar, paws are not as agile as human hands, so you usually have to use your teeth to help you open it, and let's just say, the packaging tends to get messed up in the process. The other day Angel Zoom Smokey opened a box of milkbones and there were cardboard bits everywhere, and milkbones all over the floor. It was like hitting the jackpot in Las Vegas--only the prize was better than money.

I have a happy announcement to make. Mommy found a sale on Bit o Luv chicken flavor so she bought a lot of them. The party is at my house......BYOB (Bring Your Own Bone....I'm not Sharing Mine.)

Demon Flash Bandit (If I Have to Work, I Want the Item Cheaper!)