A Dog in a Candy Store

Finally, a reason to visit New York City--home of the Wonka toy store. It is inside the Toys R Us at Times Square. This store carries all 12 brands of Wonka candy, and has the piped in smell of chocolate for a delightful shopping experience. This dog is a big fan of candy. I'm very fond of those little red Swedish Fish candies, and Mike and Ikes (particularly the tropical flavor ones). I have also decided that the reason humans say chocolate is bad for dogs is because they are hoarding it all for themselves--you know it has to be delicious if they don't want to share with their dogs. I would personally be willing to make a trip to NYC to shop at this delightful store, but I bet dogs are not allowed which would mean I would have to spend my vacation protesting outside the store which would be no fun so I will skip the trip. This store has not only excited me, but after receiving this correspondence from the Queen Lady (Queen Elizabeth of England), I can now understand why she made her recent trip to NYC. As always, I will share the letter with my readers:

To My Dear Pal, Demon Flash Bandit,

I wonder when the archaic laws in the United States will be progressive enough to allow dogs to enter the Wonka Candy Store in NYC. I enjoyed my recent trip there. I wanted to make sure my candy supply was replenished. Someone has been sneaking in and eating my candy from the candy room at the Castle. I suspect Prince Charles, but since he is my son, it would look bad if I had him arrested for candy theft. Believe me, I have considered it....taking my candy is serious, as you can understand. I know you take your candy as seriously as I take mine. However a candy scandal could rock the country at its core and do irreparable damage to the crown so I guess he will get by with it.

Did you see that Mr. Pope came here for a visit? As you may have guessed, he only came here because he knew I made a candy run to NYC, and he knew that I would have to offer him some of my treasures. I did not want to share my candy, but I had to give him some. He should have known better. Does he not remember history? King Henry VIII had amassed a large supply of candy, and the Pope wanted his share. Henry refused to give up his candy and then started the Anglican Church. His daughter, Elizabeth, continued the tradition and the Anglican church had slogans on billboards that said, "we will not give our candy to the Pope". You would think that churches would understand just how seriously some of the humans (and dogs) take their candy supplies. The Pope and I did have some fun. We had a race between the Queenmobile and the Popemobile, but I can't tell you who won. I promised to keep it secret and a good Queen keeps her promises.

This brings me to a promise I made to you. I am doing my best to get to the United States to mow your yard, Demon Flash Bandit. You are a special dog to me, and I would not want to see you have to get out and mow your own yard. I am planning to come and mow it before winter sets in. I've just been extra busy. As if it isn't enough work keeping Prince Big Ears out of trouble, I've had to entertain the Pope also. A Queen's work is never done!

Love, Queen Lady Elizabeth
Demon Flash Bandit (Sharing Correspondence)

Appearance of Money Could be Improved!

Today I am going to discuss something the humans seem to think about a large amount of the time: MONEY. I like money. Even as a puppy, I observed that when you give the people at drive thru useless pieces of green paper, they give you burgers at Burger King and ice cream at the Diary Queen drive thru. I know it is silly. I would never give up a burger for a piece of paper, but these businesses are run by humans, and all of us dogs know how dumb they are. Mommy actually has a nine dollar bill that she ordered from Ebay awhile back and it is the only piece of green paper that I would accept if I were Burger King even though it clearly says it is non negotiable. Instead of having those silly looking old humans on it, it has a lovely Siberian husky on it instead. It even says "in dog we trust" which is a smart move if you ask me. This brings me to the important part of this blog. Why did the humans choose to put old men on the money when they could have put some adorable dogs on the money instead? I think that part of the reason people can't hold onto money is because looking at the faces of a bunch of old guys does not make a human want to save that money. However, with a cute face like mine, the humans would save their money because who would want to give up money with such a handsome face on it? I think the governments should re-think their position on how they make their money look. Now that I have solved the problem with the economy, it is time to take a nap.

By the way, I see the Pope is visiting the Queen of England. Did she not tell him she needs to come here to mow my yard? Queen Lady, I know you want to come and mow my yard.....I think you should tell him to get in his Popemobile and come back later--you have mowing to do.

Demon Flash Bandit (Solving Economic Problems for the Humans)

More Brilliant Ideas From the Mind of Demon Flash Bandit

I hope you enjoyed the letter I received from the Queen of England in yesterday's blog. I do hope that the Queen can find the time to make it here to mow for me. I was very honored that she offered me the position of professor of agriculture at Cambridge. I will have to decline the offer because it rains a lot there, and I don't want to have to smell wet humans. All us dogs know that rain is Mother Nature's way of giving a dog a shower. I know Great Britain is a nice country, but I prefer a country that has less rain and more snow.



I got to thinking that if the Queen could use some extra money, the Pope could probably use some extra money too. After all, the church actually passes around a collection plate because they need money so much. Very much like the guy on the street who plays the guitar for extra cash, I have to assume that is why the church has the music and everything--it is the entertainment that they ask the humans to pay for. I'm not sure if I am supposed to refer to him as Mr. Pope or His Popeness, but if you are reading this, Mr. Pope, I have a business plan all set up for you. If it takes off, you might need to hire some people, but you can start it on your own. It is a septic tank cleaning business. Before you know it, you might not need those collection plates anymore, and you won't have to depend on the generosity of others. By the way, I'm also thinking of an edition of collector collection plates....I think I am the first to think of that-featuring different popes maybe wearing swim suits. In fact, a calendar of past popes would be a good seller. One pope can dress as a lifeguard, one a fireman, one in a business suit--you get the idea.



I am thinking of hiring some body guards. Yes, Demon Flash Bandit has become so popular on the Internet that hiring bodyguards would be a good idea. You can never be too careful. Sure, I can take care of myself, but a dog likes to take a nap, and super villains love to take advantage of the good guy when he is taking a nap. I was perusing the cereal aisle of my local supermarket for possible candidates for the job. Candidates include, Capt. Crunch because of his military experience, Count Chocula because it takes a villain to fight a villain, Boo Berry because he has the boos so bad and needs the work, Tony the Tiger because he is g-r-e-a-t, and Mr. T although I'm quite sure the store should update their stock. Snap, Crackle, and Pop are out of the question because I am not issuing 3 paychecks for those dudes. I know Count Chocula might be busy thanks to the popularity of vampires due to that Twilight movie franchise. Have you heard the girls talking about being on Team Chocula? I've even read it on the tshirts. By the way, if this dog had to support a team from Twilight, Team Chocula has my vote. On the other paw, I might even hire someone from the royal family since I'm such a good pal of the Queen, I could hire Charles because with those ears, no one could sneak up on him.



Thanks to my blog about helping the Queen come up with more money, I got a call from Bo Obama (first dog) asking me to come to the White House to fix things for the United States. That is how it always works out--if you want a solution to a big problem, call in a dog. I will share my brilliant ideas for the U.S. economy in an upcoming blog. Hey, I don't get paid to write this blog, and a dog's time is valuable. I could be napping. One final word to the Queen: Queen Lady, the grass isn't getting any shorter!



Demon Flash Bandit (Problem Solver)