Rats Are For Cats

A market in London is selling rat meat to the humans. The problem with this market is that this market was not meant for humans--it is a market for cats. Cats love rat meat, and as usual, whenever a store is opened up that caters to dogs or cats, the humans want to start buying our treats. Ask a cat--any of them will tell you that rat meat is delicious, but it was not meant for humans. Some things are meant for us pets, and that is why I am very annoyed at the humans for buying the cat's treats. Is there no end to the humans wanting all our stuff? Just yesterday, I found an entire box of chocolate covered peanuts called Goobers and I took it to one of my favorite spots, and just as I was about to enjoy my find, the humans came along and took it from me, and told me that I couldn't have it. Is that fair? I think not!!! I know that Goobers are a lot better than rat meat, but cats aren't as smart as us dogs nor do they have our good taste. Just ask any dog--they will tell you that cats are okay, but they are inferior to us dogs. Here is the link to the rat market:
http://now.msn.com/rat-meat-being-sold-illegally-at-london-market

Demon Flash Bandit (Rats are for Cats)

I'll Try a Bacon Scented Candle!

Most of the time when the humans burn candles around here, they have flowery scents. Sure, some of them smell like vanilla and that is okay, but many of them smell like lilacs, roses, etc. I saw that a young man has taken matters into his own paws, and has come up with some manly scents. Personally, I don't care about buying a candle that smells like dirt or sawdust. However, a candle that smells like bacon has my paw of approval. In fact, I think a lot of dogs would enjoy smelling a bacon scented candle. Of course, I think we would enjoy the smell of actual bacon more. I doubt that a candle tastes very good. I'll admit that I have never tried one, and I don't plan to eat one to test out my theory, but I do think that candles don't really taste like their scent. I suppose that is because they aren't really food, and were never meant to be eaten. Perhaps if the humans invented edible candles, then dogs would enjoy them more. For those readers who want to know more about bacon scented candles, here is the website:
http://businessonmain.msn.com/browseresources/articles/selling.aspx?cp-documentid=30571440&source=msneditorial#fbid=LBIQVGBFjSB?GT1=25409

Demon Flash Bandit (Fan of Bacon)

Call Me the Demon, the Cookie Monster!

According to television commercials, you would never believe where the Keebler cookies come from--they are baked by elves in a hollow tree. Why do they think we won't believe them? When I go outside, I'm always looking for hollow trees in case there are some cookie baking elves in them who need a dog to sample their products. I'm willing to do my part for Keebler by testing their product. In fact, I think it would be a good career choice for me. Anyway, so far I have never found a tree that has any cookie baking elves in it. I decided to write a letter to Ernie, who happens to be Keebler's head baker and SpokesElf.

Dear Ernie,
I am a dog who enjoys your product, and I would like to know where the hollow tree where you bake the cookies is located so I can stop by and taste test your product. This dog thinks your cookies are uncommonly good, and I would like to know if there is a job opening for a taste tester because I think it is a job for which this dog is well suited. I know you are busy, but please answer as soon as possible.
Love, Demon Flash Bandit
(NOTE: It is always important in business letters so use the salutation, love. It makes the company know you appreciate them.)

This brings me to another point. I was watching Lord of the Rings, and I did not notice any of the elves in Lord of the Rings baking cookies. Don't they know what they are supposed to be doing? If you ask me, the whole reason there was a war was because there was a serious lack of cookies to eat. It is impossible to stay in a bad mood when there are delicious cookies to eat. Lord of the Rings also had a bunch of trees, but I didn't see any that were being used to bake cookies. Besides, I think it is easier to bake cookies if the tree isn't running around the countryside.
My theory is that the hollow trees that they use to make the cookies could be located in BurgerKingland. I know that is where I would want to live if I were a cookie baking elf.

Demon Flash Bandit (Looking for Cookies)