Demon Flash Bandit: Royal Hat Maker

It is one of those days when there isn't much to write about so I decided that it would be a good day to put my paws to work on something creative. I decided to make a hat that would be worthy of being worn by one of the British royal family. Okay, I admit, I chose them because, judging from all the silly hats they wear, they can't be hard to please when it comes to hats. I just hope my hat isn't too elegant for them. I started with a big box of Milkbones. Keep in mind, you do need the big box, and it isn't just so you can eat more milkbones although that is a bonus. You want a nice size hat that the other humans will be able to see-preferably from space. Cut a round, head size hole on one side of the milkbone box. This is how the human will put it on their head. You know it has to be a human wearing it...a dog would not wear a hat that is so silly! The hat needs to have milkbones "glued" all over it. This is best accomplished with peanutbutter. The peanutbutter will hold them on and when you decide to eat them, they will taste even better with the added peanutbutter. A plush squeaky toy should be "glued" to the top of the hat-again with peanutbutter. You can never use too much peanutbutter--ask any dog about that, and you will get the same answer. You can add other things too--like dingo bones, rawhide bones, etc. It is entirely up to the individual. This hat is not only silly, but it also serves a purpose which is more than I can say for most of the silly hats the royal family usually wears. The hat will be useful if you get hungry, bored, or just want something on which to chew. I just finished mine, and it is lovely. I know the royal family would pay me a zillion dollars for such a materpiece, but I think I'll keep it. I don't plan to wear it, but it looks delicious!

Demon Flash Bandit (Making Hats Fit for Royalty)

I Want to Be The First Dog Lottery Winner!

Since the mega millions lottery is at a record high level, this dog is planning to buy a ticket. After all, half a billion dollars will buy a lot of dingo bones even after taxes. I should check into that....does a dog have to pay taxes? It does not seem fair since we aren't allowed to be tax deductions for our humans, receive government aid or even collect social security-not that I have ever met a dog who is 65 in human years. Anyway, it would still be a lot of money, and since the "experts" say that if you should win, you should consult with an expert, I have already prepared just in case I do win. The expert is the best financial genius that I could ever find--myself. I have decided to take the money in one lump sum and, after buying a truck load of dingo bones, milkbones, and treats, and putting some money away for future treats, then I will use part of the money to invest in companies which I believe in and support. The companies are: dingo bones, milkbones, McDonalds, Wendy's, Arbys, etc. Most will be food related because both dogs and humans have to eat to survive so I think these companies make the most sensible investments. The rest I will donate to dogs in shelters who need to find homes. Now I must go and dream about all the dingo bones I am going to buy with the jackpot. I will also make news as the first dog to win! Then I will write a book about my experiences and the profits from it will go to the dogs in shelters. I won't need them anyway.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Plans to Buy a Ticket for the Lottery)

Movie Review: John Carter

Today I am going to share a movie review of John Carter. John Carter is a Confederate veteran of the Civil War who ends up on the planet Mars which gives him some cool powers that he didn't have on Earth. Carter is initially fed up with war so, when a war is occurring on Mars, he wants no part of it. He meets a Princess of Mars. Of course, for those of you who enjoy action, there is plenty of that. However, the best part of the movie was a Martian creature that had to be the Martian equivilent of a dog. He made the movie worth watching as only a dog-or a dog substitute can. I think it is worth seeing the movie just to watch the Martian "dog". I give this movie 4 Martian dog paws up and a Martian dog tail wag which is an 8 out of 10 on the humans movie scale. Go to the theatre, grab yourself a box of milkbones from the concession stand, and enjoy a good movie--John Carter. Tell the theatre Demon Flash Bandit recommended the movie!

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Review: John Carter)

Time to Build a Snowdog!

We finally got some snow, and I went outside to build a Snowdog. Most of the humans build snowmen, but there are already more than enough humans; and since dogs are better, I think building a snowdog makes more sense. The best thing about snowdogs is that, unlike real dogs, they don't want to share your milkbones or dingo bones. I happen to enjoy both of those items, and am not fond of sharing. This is why I prefer snowdogs. You can play with them, and they leave your stuff alone.

Demon Flash Bandit (Fond of Snowdogs!)

Dogs Make Best Financial Consultants!

After reading this item on yahoo.com, I realized it is time for some financial advice from me because when you need financial advice, you should always consult a dog! Look at what a mess the humans make of the economy when you let them make decisions! Here is the address so you can read more if you choose to do so:
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/india-tycoons-got-tons-cash-064653323.html

The story is about a billionaire in India who can't invest his money. This is the big problem with the humans--they don't seem to understand that money is paper. Don't get me wrong--it is paper that will buy you food at a drive-thru restaurant, but I certainly would not enjoy eating it as it is. Its main purpose is to buy things that a dog wants like food, treats, bones and toys. Personally, I am a big investor in dingo bones. They are delicious and chewing on them is a great way to spend your spare time. Of course, there are plenty of other good investments-gift certificates to McDonalds, Wendys, and Arbys, milkbones, beggin strips, Yummy Chummies, Zukie jerky etc. I will admit that you don't tend to get more money back from these investments, but some of the humans make investments they lose money on, and at least with these investments, a dog can enjoy them until they are gone. I am thinking of starting my own investment advice website to help the humans who seem to invest in really silly things. I can look around the house and find lots of stupid investments. For example, I hate the vacuum cleaner, and since a house only needs to be vacuumed about once every five years (at the most), it is a total waste of money that could have been spent on something more sensible like a bird house/guillotine. (For those who may not have read my past blogs--I hate birds.) It is a shame that more dogs aren't in the financial services industry, because if we were, things would be different. In fact, for sheer pleasure, a free stick is one of the greatest things you can own!

Demon Flash Bandit (Financial Advisor)

Cell Phones for Dogs

Today is Thanksgiving, and I have decided to write about the things that I am most thankful that I have. First, of course, are my humans who take care of me, and love me. However, there are also many other things that make life worth living. Dingo bones, milkbones, rawhide bones, real bones....you might have noticed a theme, and it is true--I do enjoy a good bone! I also enjoy my toys. I don't play with them as much as I did when I was a puppy, but I still like to get new toys and I like to have them around to make me feel important. Now if only the humans will get me my own cell phone so that I can bark with my doggy pals, that would make life even better. Believe me, I have listened to the converstions the humans have, and nothing they have to say is that important. I have far more important things to bark about! I guess I'll have to ask Santa Paws for one because the humans don't seem to think a dog needs his own cell phone. Once again, the humans should not be allowed to think...it is too hard for them.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Needs His Own Cell Phone)

Simple Rules for Training the Humans!

I want everyone to know that my Mommy went shopping today and got 2 boxes of Milkbones, a package of soft and chewy milkbones, and some ham for my dinner. This is what happens when a dog has a well trained human. This training is not easy, and it is best started when you are a puppy, but it is never too late to begin. The humans are slow learners, but they can learn--you just have to work with them. Yes, there will be times when a dog will feel that the humans are hopeless and not worth the trouble, but you must trudge on and keep trying. They can end up really surprising you once you have them properly trained. Here are a few tips.

1. Remember, the humans crave love so show them affection whenever possible, but particularly when they have done something right--like bringing home treats.

2. Let the human know who is boss. Of course, you are the dog so you are the boss.

3. Allow the human to look like he is in charge in front of other humans--you know you are really in charge, but the humans like to feel important. This is why they all walk around with cell phones talking about the weather.

4. When the human makes a mistake (and they will make many, many, many mistakes), don't hold it against them. Remember, they aren't dogs so they will make mistakes.

5. Sometimes let them eat at the table. This also makes them feel important.

6. Let them sleep in the big bed as long as there is plenty of room for you. Yeah, I know how it is when the humans think it is their bed, but humor them--they do go to work to pay for stuff so you have to let them have a few small victories. However, I've found that getting to bed before them and pretending to be asleep and not moving usually works well. This is why they have guest bedrooms--so that they will have a place to sleep themselves.

7. When you go for a walk, lead the way and decide where you are walking. Remember this is your walk--not theirs!

These are the beginning rules of training humans. Good luck, and remember, don't let them start bad habits because they are hard to break!

Demon Flash Bandit (Rules for Training the Humans)

Humans Want to Be Dogs and Bunnies

William Falkingham of Idaho Falls, Idaho has been asked by local police to quit dressing in his bunny costume because he is scaring the neighborhood children. I suppose children in Idaho must be terrified of bunnies. Sure, let tomatoes hang out in the town despite their reputation as killer tomatoes (check out the documentary movies on the subject--Attack of the Killer Tomatoes), but worry about a guy in a bunny suit. The only ones who should be upset about his outfit are the bunnies. Bunnies have a reputation for cuteness and cuddliness, and when a human starts dressing up as a bunny, it can ruin their reputation. Although it is complimentary for a human to dress up as a dog, and I can understand whey a human would want to be a dog, not all humans deserve the privilege of dressing in dog costumes. This is why I thought this story was odd. The humans are telling him not to dress up as a bunny when I've seen the humans dressed in things that no dog would ever even consider wearing. To help you understand what I'm barking about, go to this website if you dare:
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/
Humans are out in public shopping wearing or "almost" wearing some of the most ridiculous things making the average dog lose his milkbones, and a town gets upset about a bunny suit? It makes no sense to this dog. I'm not saying the guy is normal, but personally, I would love to see a photo of all his outfits combined--the bunny suit with the cowboy outfit and tutu. Yes, at least I could have a good laugh at that outfit. Most of the ones at the website, people of walmart, just make a dog want to hide under the covers, and I'm a Siberian Husky. We don't tend to even like covers.

Demon Flash Bandit (Humans Just Want to Be Bunnies and Dogs)

Interest: I'm not Interested!

I have been seeing a lot of stuff in the news about banks and the economy which is in something the humans call a recession. I personally think this is silly since it isn't like the money just disappeared. I'm sure there are some humans causing trouble (as usual), but I will take this opportunity to share a letter I sent to my bank. The humans might put up with the banks' shenanigans, but dogs do not!

Dear Blood Sucking Vampires, Leeches, Ticks, Fleas, Birds, MothMan, the Chebacapra Dude, Freddy Krueger, Barbarians, Tom Cruise, Teletubbies, and Barney the Purple Dinosaur,
(This is always the proper salutation to use when dealing with bankers.)

Your bank gave me 5 million dollars to buy a new doghouse. I thought it was very sweet of you to think of me, and I can only assume that you enjoyed my blog. However, my initial appreciation quickly turned to annoyance when you sent me a payment book and expected me to give you the 5 million dollars back---WITH INTEREST!!!! I don't even see why you call it interest since I am not "interested" in paying you back more than you sent me in the first place. You should know that if you give a dog 5 million dollars, that dog don't hunt Monsignor. In fact, I am paying humans to carry me from place to place, and I hired another dog to do my peeing for me. What do you expect a dog with 5 million dollars to do? Do his own peeing? I think not! Did you really expect me to read all the boring blah, blah, blah stuff on the paperwork I pawtographed. I thought you were just asking for my pawtograph because of my fame as a blogger.

Just so you will know the money was well spent, 2 million was given to charity--the Demon Flash Bandit fund for Demon Flash Bandit. Another 2 million was spent on a robot dog of me so that I can do my whining in stereo. The last million was spent on Burger King gift cards, milkbones, and dingo bones. I bet you feel like a bunch of nitwits now expecting a dog to give you back money that is already spent. I do have a word of advice for your bank in the future. Don't expect a dog to pay you back. You can only expect such silliness from the humans.

Thanks again for the 5 million dollar gift. I am enjoying it.

Love, Demon Flash Bandit

P.S. I just watched Sesame Street and the reason Oscar the Grouch is such a grouch is because you bankers repossessed his home and he is having to live in a garbage can. I think all of you should be locked up and forced to watch the telvision program, Mister Rogers. I can't think of a worse punishment than that.

Demon Flash Bandit (Sharing A Letter)

Read Zombie Economics--Avoid Filing Boneruptcy

I have decided to inform my readers about a new book that is available for public consumption which has the potential to change your economic life. That book is called Zombie Economics and it was written by John Quiggen. Amazon.com has this book for $16.47 at the present time, and it is money well spent. The book discusses how, very much like zombies from the movies, there are financial zombies who threaten your financial well being. I have to tell you that this book has really made a difference in my life. I'm sure I'm not the only dog who has noticed that there is always one dog in the pack who won't share their milkbones. When you have a milkbone, they will ask you to share and are always bugging those of us who work hard for our bones to give them our hard earned treats. For many of us dogs, we really don't have to work that hard, but we do have to hang around the humans and look cute. Sometimes we even have to sit or beg for our treats so those doggy moochers think they can just walk up without doing any tricks or hanging out keeping the humans company and get a treat from a dog who was willing to give the extra paw to the humans. Before you realize it, those doggy bums have eaten all your treats and you have nothing to eat. In fact, there have been terrible stories of dogs who have had to file for boneruptcy because other dogs have had them copaw for milkbone loans and generally have used up all the dogs bones. Don't let this happen to you. Get the book and read it. You'll be glad you did, and you don't have to thank me. I enjoy watching out for my readers!

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Economic Zombie Dogs)

Special Dog Furniture

I am a good dog who allows my humans to use their own furniture when I'm not using it. I did find an interesting website to share with other dogs. The address is: http://www.bigdogbeds.com/ . This site has all sorts of sofas and beds designed specifically for dogs. I will warn you that the furniture on the site is so nice, you might have to make sure the humans know to stay off a dog's furniture. I can just picture myself curled up or stretched out on the dog bed watching a good movie like Snow Dogs or Eight Below. Of course, I would need some tasty dog treats to eat while I watch--perhaps some Yummy Chummies or some Milkbones. Yes, that would be very enjoyable. I have to go now, and make sure my humans see this website. I haven't checked the prices because I am worth whatever they are charging. After all, I am one of the family dogs!!! Demon Flash Bandit (Found Cool Dog Furniture Website)

Investment Advice

Many dogs have written and asked me for advice about investments. This is normal when you are a highly successful dog such as myself. I am glad to share my advice with other dogs. One of the most important rules for investment is to diversify. If you stick with one investment, you run the risk of losing everything if it doesn't do well. This isn't just advice from me. Most financial experts suggest diversification.

I also think you should invest in companies that make products that you feel are good products. My own "portfolio" is fully diversified, and it includes only products worthy of my endorsement. This is why I am invested in Burger King, Dingo bones, Milkbones, dog toys, Yummy Chummies, Beggin' Strips, and various other products too numerous to mention. The best thing about my "portfolio" is that it has nothing to do with Wall Street. My "portfolio" is scattered throughout the house or it is in my tummy. That is what I call the best investments. You can enjoy them. Some of the humans invest in "stock" which is just stupid paper that isn't good to eat and you can't play with it. I think my investments are more practical and enjoyable.

On a separate subject, I would call the governor of Wisconsin a doodyhead, but quite frankly, that is an insult to doody.

Demon Flash Bandit (Investment Advice)

I Had a Napmare About Legends of the Guardians

I usually write my blog earlier in the day, but as the humans say: better late than clever. I know it doesn't make any sense, but how often do the humans make sense? I think they say that because they aren't clever. If they were, they would have never made the movie I wrote about yesterday, Legends of the Guardians. I was having napmares about that movie today. Isn't it bad enough that birds are evil and steal my snow and drop bird bombs on everyone? In the movie, some of them were wearing armor and having sword fights. Do birds really need swords, and who makes them small enough for birds? When a stupid bird swoops down from the sky and stabs a human in the face, maybe then the humans will listen to my warnings. I might add that Legends of the Guardians is no Lord of the Rings no matter how much they use the sword fighting.

For those of you who read the celebrity gossip, don't pay any attention to the story about Ryan Reynolds dating Sandra Bullock. That was made up to sell tabloids. The real story is that Sandra Bullock is dating Keanu Reeves. This comes from a very reliable source. Yes, I dreamed it when I was napping. You can't get any more reliable than that. A dream is right up there with fortune cookies. Speaking of fortune cookies, I would like to eat one now. Those are tasty cookies. I think they are even better than milkbones. I have a box of milkbone in my paws now, and I think it is time for another nap. Did you know that a milkbone box makes a great pillow?

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Movies and Celebrity Gossip)

Mathematical Formula to Achieve Milkbones

I was watching The Big Bang Theory last night, and I realized that I have been a theoretical physicist since I was a puppy. Even as a young pup, I realized that there are 2 major groups of dogs. One group that has milkbones and one group that does not. I worked out a mathematical formula that takes many variables into consideration--how cute is the dog, how well does he or she beg, can the dog be trusted not to eat the entire box in one sitting, etc. It is very simple and even the humans can understand it: x=cuteness, y=begging ability, z=trust, m-milkbones.
x(y)+x(z)=m
This is one of the simpler theories. You will notice that cuteness is more important than anything else because the humans control the purchase of milkbones, and they respond to cuteness more so than the other abilities.

I happen to be so cute that I usually don't even have to beg. In fact, I often help myself to the box when the humans bring it home. They can trust me because I have been known to carry a box around for a day or two unopened. I like to have it with me just in case I'm in the mood for a milkbone. Sometimes I like to use the box as a pillow. Now that I have written a blog showing my advanced math and science skills, I am sure that my genius will make the humans buy me even more milkbones. Therefore, my theory is that a dog has to do anything it takes to get some milkbones, and whatever impresses your human, do it. Milkbones are worth the trouble!

Demon Flash Bandit (Theoretical Physicist and Dog With Milkbones)