My Paws Are Handsome!

Now some of the humans are getting plastic surgery done on their toes because their toes are "too fat". I guess if the humans are dumb enough to go through that kind of expense and pain to have better looking toes, it does not matter to me. However, you know it won't be long until they will look at a dog's paws and decide we need to have plastic surgery to make our paws look better. I happen to have handsome paws, and I would not allow a vet to do any plastic surgery on my paws. My paws work good too. I've been walking on them since I was a puppy. Humans are the ones who get obsessed with silly things like fat toes. I have yet to hear a dog upset over the size of his paws! Here is the link for those who want to read more about the toe surgery:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/11/plastic-surgery-toes-feet-toebesity_n_1665347.html

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With Handsome Paws)

Note From Mommy

Once again, a human was fooled by a mere puppy. Yes, in a real life situation reminscent of the Welcome Back Kotter television show, a young boy who is 6 years old forged a note from his "Mommy" at school. Epstein always had a note from his mother explaining why he had missed school, and it was always signed "Epstein's Mother". The only difference is that the teacher (Mr. Kotter) never fell for the note. He always knew it was a forgery. Perhaps it being signed "Epstein's Mother" was the reason. However, the secretary at this school let the child leave on the basis of the note which was written on fingerpaint paper and done with a highlighter. I'm not saying a parent in a hurry couldn't write a note on fingerpaint paper with a yellow highlighter, but when it looks like it is written by a child, and many words are misspelled, I would have been far more skeptical. One look at this note told me that there is a child who wanted to leave school and go home. I will share the link so you can see what you think:
http://news.yahoo.com/video/us-15749625/first-grader-forges-note-with-highlighter-finger-paint-29530244.html#crsl=%252Fvideo%252Fus-15749625%252Ffirst-grader-forges-note-with-highlighter-finger-paint-29530244.html
Schools must have changed a lot since my Mommy went to school. She said none of the adults at her schools would have fell for that note. Adult humans must be getting dumber.

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Forgery)

I Am the Proud Owner of a Fur Factory

Due to the recent recession which does seem to be getting better, there are many factories that have closed their doors and are now empty. The workers who worked there in the past are no longer working at those jobs. However, I like to impart good news to my readers so I want to discuss one factory that was never slowed by the economy. That factory is my fur factory. My humans are always saying that I'm shedding a lot of fur which seems to be a common thing said among Siberian Husky owners. However, that is erroneous information. Actually, I am not shedding my fur because I happen to be a fur factory and production has been good. In fact, it has been good since I was a puppy, and it continues to flourish. Instead of complaining about it, the humans should be happy that one segment of the economy, fur production, is doing well. In fact, I plan to start selling my fur on the Internet. Who wouldn't want my fur decorating their home? I think it looks lovely on everything. Besides, a human can have a fur coat without feeling bad about harming any small animals. I think coats made with fur from our factories will be the furs of the future--and we all know how expensive the fur coats happen to be. We dogs are going to make a fortune!

Demon Flash Bandit (Fur Factory Owner)

I Need My Own Office

I have decided that I need my own desk and computer since I write a blog everyday. In fact, I think I should have an office of my own. Why do the humans think that a dog does not need his own office? What would the humans do without my words of wisdom to help them through the day? I am a celebrity dog, and as such, I think I deserve special things like an office. It is hard work telling the humans what to do. I had to start training my own humans when I was just a wee puppy. If I had not started their training early, they would not have learned to do what I tell them to do. This is a big problem for dogs. Instead of the humans doing tricks, some of the badly trained humans have their dogs doing tricks which is just wrong. Dogs are not supposed to do what the humans tell them to do, but it is the other way around. Even cats know that you don't do what the humans tell you to do, and they are CATS!!! If cats understand this concept, then you would think the humans could understand, but the sad fact is that humans are even dumber than cats! Anyway, I need my own office so that I can continue to write my blog, and not have to share a desk and a computer with the humans in this house. I still don't know why my humans think they have anything useful to do on the computer anyway!

Demon Flash Bandit (I Want My Own Office)

Cell Phones for Dogs

Today is Thanksgiving, and I have decided to write about the things that I am most thankful that I have. First, of course, are my humans who take care of me, and love me. However, there are also many other things that make life worth living. Dingo bones, milkbones, rawhide bones, real bones....you might have noticed a theme, and it is true--I do enjoy a good bone! I also enjoy my toys. I don't play with them as much as I did when I was a puppy, but I still like to get new toys and I like to have them around to make me feel important. Now if only the humans will get me my own cell phone so that I can bark with my doggy pals, that would make life even better. Believe me, I have listened to the converstions the humans have, and nothing they have to say is that important. I have far more important things to bark about! I guess I'll have to ask Santa Paws for one because the humans don't seem to think a dog needs his own cell phone. Once again, the humans should not be allowed to think...it is too hard for them.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Needs His Own Cell Phone)

Ben and Jerry Should Make a Demon Flash Bandit Celebrity Flavor!

Today's blog is about ice cream. It is cold, it is creamy, it is sweet and it is delicious. I enjoy having it everyday, and if I could have it more often, I would. I sometimes watch Steven Colbert on television and that other show with Jimmy Fallon, and they have their own ice cream flavors as do other celebrities. Ben and Jerry make special celebrity flavors so I only have one question? Why no Demon Flash Bandit flavor? I'm a world famous dog blogger. Doesn't a celebrity dog rate a flavor? I'm not sure if bacon flavor ice cream would taste good, but there are lots of flavors us dogs love. I love peanut butter, carob, cashews, caramel, and many other things that would taste super good in ice cream. I'm thinking caramel waffle flavor or maple syrup waffle flavor would make most of us dogs happy. By the way, I won't even eat Frosty Paws. I tasted human ice cream as a puppy, and the doggy ice cream does not measure up to my standards. Anyway, I think it would be a great marketing idea for Ben and Jerry to make a special flavor that both humans and dogs would enjoy. Don't tell them that I will eat their regular vanilla flavor--they don't need to know that. I want my own Demon Flash Bandit flavor ice cream, and I think all my readers should contact Ben and Jerry and tell them that I need a flavor of my own. I'd even be happy with milkbone flavor ice cream. It would have 2 of my treats put into one treat which means I can eat more of it. As I said yesterday, I didn't get the genius award for nothing.

Demon Flash Bandit (Wants My Own Ben and Jerry Ice Cream Flavor)

No Longer Recommending Burger King

I have been enjoying Burger King burgers since I was a wee puppy, but today I have to report that I will no longer be barking their praises. Sure, the burgers are delicious, but Mommy had a problem with my order Friday (the employee was arguing with her about not being able to order a stacker without cheese and sauce). When Mommy finally called the corporate office to complain (and she isn't one who usually bothers to call the corporation), the corporation didn't do a very good job of customer service. If they treat a well known blogger who has been barking their praises for years like I don't matter (probably because I'm a dog), it is time to let my fellow dogs and their humans know that the company really doesn't care about its customers at all. I have never been paid or compensated for my many blogs involving BK nor for any company I write about, but I do it because if I like something, I tell my pals. From now on, I will be blogging about the other burger I happen to enjoy which is Subway's Angus burger. I know King Burger probably cares, but he is busy with royal business in his realm and he has hired humans to represent him, and they didn't do a good job of making this dog feel appreciated. Sure, the burgers are still good, and you can enjoy them if you want, but be aware that the company does not appreciate your business so don't expect them to be nice if they mess up. In fact, the guy on the phone told Mommy that an individual franchise can charge extra if you want something left off the burger. This is a stupid policy since that saves the restaurant money, and their whole slogan is "have it your way". I guess they should change the slogan to "have it our way because we don't care if you are happy or not". Anyway, a dog has to stand on his principles, and I would suggest that even the clown place is nicer to its customers when there is a mistake.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Is Annoyed at Burger King)

Evil Robot Vacuum Cleaners

I was reading about a retired army colonel, John Alexander, who says that UFOs are real. He has written a book on the subject. I have known this since I was a puppy. In fact, we have an alien creature in our house which has infiltrated our home to the point that I don't even think the humans realize it is an extraterrestrial. In fact, just about every home has one, and the humans are totally clueless as to its origin. That item is an evil robot vacuum cleaner from the planet, Dustiless, which is from a galaxy far, far away!!! These alien robots have been sneaking into our society for so many years that the humans even "invite" them into their homes. The humans may be easily fooled, but not us dogs. We know they are evil robots from another planet. In fact, most dogs will bark incessantly whenever they are turned on. I'm still wondering why the humans turn them on in the first place, but humans aren't as smart as dogs. Anyway, the evil alien robots make a lot of noise and then they steal all a dog's favorite things--dirt, our fur that is laying around the house, crumbs, etc. The saddest thing about their thefts is that the humans don't even mind them being thieves. They act like the things the evil robots take make the place look better. Again, dogs differ with their opinion. What is a dog to do? When the humans aren't looking, try biting the stupid robot vacuum cleaner. Remember, it is a dog's job to protect their human from his own stupidity. Good luck and remember, robot vacuum cleaners can be clever. Don't let them fool you into thinking they are okay. They are EVIL!

Demon Flash Bandit (Protecting my Humans From Evil Robot Vacuum Cleaners)

Goldie and the Three Dogs

Once upon a time there was a little blond human girl who was wandering through the forest. She was in the forest because she was such a brat that when she went out to play, her parents moved away. They had a mobile home so they took the home with them leaving her homeless.

Meanwhile a family of 3 super nice dogs decided to leave their house and go for a walk. Goldie (that was the girl's name) found the house and the let herself in. As I said, she never followed proper protocol--she didn't even knock. She was hungry and she saw some food on the table. She tried the first dish, and she thought it was too spicy. (It was the Daddy Dog's dinner.) Then she tried the second dish, and it was too plain. (It was the Mommy Dog's dinner.) Finally she tried the third dish, and it was just right so she ate all of it. (It was the Puppy's dinner.)

Then she decided to watch television. She watched the one in the living room which was the one the Daddy Dog liked to watch. It's volume was too loud. Then she tried the one in the master bedroom which the Mommy dog liked to watch, and she could barely hear it. Then she tried the one in the Puppy's bedroom and it was just right--so she loaded it on a cart to take with her.

Then she decided to take a nap. The Daddy Dog's Bed was too big. The Mommy Dog's bed was also too big, and the Puppy's bed was just right so she took a nap and then loaded it on the cart along with the television.

The dogs came home from their walk and they noticed that their stuff had been tampered with, and the Puppy was very upset because all his stuff was gone. The dogs called the police, and they found Goldie trying to pawn the Dog Family's stuff and now Goldie is serving a prison sentence for being a thief.

Finally, a good fairy tale told from the point of view of a family of dogs!

Demon Flash Bandit (Crime Does Not Pay)