I Do Not Have Huge Paws!

I want to announce that the Weekly World News website has announced that there is a Siberian Yeti or "Big Foot". I am a Siberian Husky and those are not my paw prints there. Sure, I have big paws, but not big enough to be called "Big Foot". I hope the "experts" find the imposter who is trying to make me look bad.

It seems that the X-Files in Australia have been lost. Some people may think it is a government conspiracy to avoid telling the humans there about alien spacecraft, but I think it was a deliberate act by a bunch of high school algebra students who were sick and tired of looking for "x".

There was an ad for Bit of Luv in the newspaper Sunday, and the store never got them. I happen to love Bit of Luv so I hope that store gets off its butt and gets some in. It is a shame when a store doesn't have one of a dog's favorite treats!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With Normal Size Paws)

Palin Should Not Be Allowed to Discuss Historical Events

Sarah Palin has been giving history lessons again which might be okay if she happened to actually have a clue as to what happened in history. Most of us learned as puppies that Paul Revere rode his famous ride to warn the colonists that the British were coming. I'm surprised Sarah Palin's version didn't have him riding around warning the colonists that they need to clean up their homes and make some tea because the British were coming for a tea party. This dog is of the opinion that it should be illegal for stupid people to say stuff, and definitely illegal for them to run for political office. However, they do make the elections funny with some of the things they "invent". If Palin had passed a history course ( and I don't see how that is possible), she would know that carrying guns back then was no big deal. Gun control was not an issue, and the guns, being muskets, weren't exactly automatic weapons. I'm not that knowledgable about guns, because the guns' triggers are difficult for a dog to use. However, I am going to assume that a musket was probably just a step above a bow and arrow. I bet she has some interesting stories about George Washington to share with the country. I bet he was President and reality show star according to Palin.

If you want to learn history accurately, ask a dog. We are so much more intelligent that the smart humans. As much as I hate to say this, even the birds are smarter than Palin!

Demon Flash Bandit (Not a Fan of Palin)

Interest: I'm not Interested!

I have been seeing a lot of stuff in the news about banks and the economy which is in something the humans call a recession. I personally think this is silly since it isn't like the money just disappeared. I'm sure there are some humans causing trouble (as usual), but I will take this opportunity to share a letter I sent to my bank. The humans might put up with the banks' shenanigans, but dogs do not!

Dear Blood Sucking Vampires, Leeches, Ticks, Fleas, Birds, MothMan, the Chebacapra Dude, Freddy Krueger, Barbarians, Tom Cruise, Teletubbies, and Barney the Purple Dinosaur,
(This is always the proper salutation to use when dealing with bankers.)

Your bank gave me 5 million dollars to buy a new doghouse. I thought it was very sweet of you to think of me, and I can only assume that you enjoyed my blog. However, my initial appreciation quickly turned to annoyance when you sent me a payment book and expected me to give you the 5 million dollars back---WITH INTEREST!!!! I don't even see why you call it interest since I am not "interested" in paying you back more than you sent me in the first place. You should know that if you give a dog 5 million dollars, that dog don't hunt Monsignor. In fact, I am paying humans to carry me from place to place, and I hired another dog to do my peeing for me. What do you expect a dog with 5 million dollars to do? Do his own peeing? I think not! Did you really expect me to read all the boring blah, blah, blah stuff on the paperwork I pawtographed. I thought you were just asking for my pawtograph because of my fame as a blogger.

Just so you will know the money was well spent, 2 million was given to charity--the Demon Flash Bandit fund for Demon Flash Bandit. Another 2 million was spent on a robot dog of me so that I can do my whining in stereo. The last million was spent on Burger King gift cards, milkbones, and dingo bones. I bet you feel like a bunch of nitwits now expecting a dog to give you back money that is already spent. I do have a word of advice for your bank in the future. Don't expect a dog to pay you back. You can only expect such silliness from the humans.

Thanks again for the 5 million dollar gift. I am enjoying it.

Love, Demon Flash Bandit

P.S. I just watched Sesame Street and the reason Oscar the Grouch is such a grouch is because you bankers repossessed his home and he is having to live in a garbage can. I think all of you should be locked up and forced to watch the telvision program, Mister Rogers. I can't think of a worse punishment than that.

Demon Flash Bandit (Sharing A Letter)

Stuntdog and My Bus Tour of Historical Dog Sights

I have some exciting news today from my brother's blog ( http://www.silverscreenhub.com/ ). My brother is now selling products featuring his logo (or mascot) and my stunt dog, Phantom Fast Snowman. I am planning on having a launch of my own products with me on them, but I'm not extremely cooperative about having my photo made so it will take awhile. I keep telling the humans that models are paid for their time and trouble, and I happen to be a lot handsomer than the human models. Anyway, for anyone interested in looking at Phantom's products, all you have to do is go to the main page of his site, and there is a link to his new store.

I have been a super busy dog since being chosen as http://www.dogster.com/ dog of the week. How many of you saw me on Colbert's show? I had to turn Leno down because I didn't like how the network treated Conan so, although Leno and NBC was begging me to grace them with my attendance, I refused. Sometimes a dog has to take a stand. I was pleased to be on Conan's show. When he said to the audience, "put your paws together for Demon Flash Bandit", I felt so honored!!!

Maybe I'll get a bus and do a bus tour like Sarah Palin is doing at the moment. I can go to the really important spots in American history. I can see the town with the mayor who is a dog (Rabbit Hatch, Kentucky), I can watch the ships sail in the Great Lakes under the direction of Captain Imma Dog. I can stand on the site where John Fitzgerald Canine barked, "ask not where your milkbones are, ask the humans to buy you another box!". Yes, I think a bus tour of famous dog sites would be a perfect summer vacation. How many of you would like to join me on the tour?

Demon Flash Bandit (Touring Important Spots in Dog History)

Worst People List from Russellville, Arkansas

The Russellville Middle School in Arkansas published their yearbook which has some parents highly upset. It turns out that there was a list of The Worst People, and the list had 5 names. The first was Adolph Hitler, the second was Osama Bin Laden, the third was Charles Manson, the fourth was George W. Bush and the fifth was Dick Cheney. It sounds to this dog like the students at that school took their "freedom of speech" very seriously. I can only assume the reason those parents are upset is because they thought that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney should have been at the top of the list. Personally, I don't think George W. Bush is really the "worst man", but I would definitely list him at the top of an "incompetent president" list. Dick Cheney on the other paw has worked hard to be as "unpleasant" as possible. He was in and out of hospitals where the doctors kept looking in vain to find his heart. With all that medical school behind them, they should have realized that you can't find something that doesn't exist. The school tried to solve the problem by putting tape over the two names, but the parents complained that you can remove the tape. If you are a parent and you find it offensive, why would you bother to remove the tape? Are these humans who just don't have enough problems in their lives so they have to try to find more? I thought this was the most hilarious news item I've seen in a long time. I have a word of advice for anyone who is aspiring to run for a major political office in the United States (or any other country for that matter), if you don't have a sense of humor, don't run. No matter who you are or what you do in life, everyone is not going to like you. It is hard to believe, but there are humans who don't like dogs or even puppies! I have no idea why a human wouldn't love a dog--we are the humans best friends, but it happens. This is why a sense of humor is important for aspiring politicians. There will always be humans who don't like them so it is best to find some humor and continue working to make things better.

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Freedom of Speech)

Dreaded Library Gang

There are pink bows around the streetlights in my town, Howell, Michigan. I'm not sure why they are there so I assume that they are for some super secret reason. Luckily, I am a smart dog who has given the matter a lot of thought (at least 5 minutes), and I have come up with an answer. Ever since my humans moved here is 1995, they have observed the presence of the "library gang". This is a gang of teens and pre-teens who hang out at the library after school until their parents get off from work. As you can imagine, any group of youngsters who are hanging out reading books and doing research make a formidable gang. Townspeople approach the library at their own risk because of their fear of this marauding group of book-readers. In inner cities, gangs mark their "territories" with gang related graffiti. It is only natural that the "library gang" would choose to mark their "territory" with pink bows. I can only imagine what evil the library gang is going to set loose on the town. I hope the town survives. My human brother Jeff says maybe the pink ribbon bows have something to do with breast cancer. Only a human could be so silly. Pink bows are festive and happy, and cancer is not something to be happy about having. It would make no sense for the bows to have any connection to cancer. I bet that is just what the library gang is hoping the humans will think. Thank goodness for us dogs who have the ability to think things through intelligently.

Demon Flash Bandit (Explaining Town's Bows)

The Only Good Flea is a Toy Flea

Fleas are the most useless things on the planet. I don't like them. Other dogs don't like them, and most humans don't like them. This brings me to my subject for today. Since fleas are annoying, useless pests, why do the humans have flea markets? I can think of no good reason to buy or sell fleas. I know I wouldn't buy a flea, and I can't think of anyone in their right mind who would. To be fair, I'm not quite sure that the markets sell fleas, but what kind of marketing concept is it to name a market after such an annoying pest? I know you can sell some of the humans almost anything, but you would think that even the humans would hear the words, flea market, and think that perhaps there are better places in which to shop. I would like to be able to report that my humans have never been to a flea market, but I'm sure at some point in their lives they have been to one. I have even heard Mommy say that Orlando, Florida has flea markets that sell only new stuff, are indoors, have air conditioning, and are open throughout the week. I suppose that is impressive since most flea markets don't have quite that level of shopping comfort. If you ask my opinion, if you must buy a flea, Amazon has some stuffed sqeaky dog toy fleas which (at the moment) are on sale for a mere $7.94. I think the stuffed variety is the only kind of flea that anyone should even consider buying. I used to have one (it met a fate that any dog would be happy to see a flea meet), and it was a fun toy. Skip the flea market and order the flea from Amazon right from your computer. You'll be glad you did!

Demon Flash Bandit (Only Good Flea is Flea Dog Toy)