Tuesday, March 16, 2010

How To Train the Humans

Today's subject is going to be about sleeping arrangements for the dog in the family. I have found that most human beds are quite comfortable. The sofa and chairs are okay too, and if the house starts getting hot, sleeping in front of an air conditioning vent can be quite comfortable. Why wait for the air to get to you when you can get it as soon as it gets into the room? If I slept outside, I wouldn't mind sleeping in snow, but most dogs would not enjoy sleeping in snow--that is something that is more fun for northern breeds like myself. Most of the time, I do sleep in the human bed. I have had a few dogs tell me that their humans expect them to sleep on the floor or on a doggy bed. Some are not allowed on the furniture. This is poor training on the dog's part. You have to accept your part in this because a dog can't fix a problem if he or she won't admit there is a problem. It is necessary to let the humans know who is in charge from the time you are a puppy because the humans aren't the smartest species in existence. (Contrary to what they say, cats aren't either, but the cats are always saying they are--cats lie a lot.) However, just because you didn't start as a puppy does not mean that you can't train the humans. I have a few clever tips for you to accomplish the task.

First, make sure the deed to the house is in your name, and remind the humans that you are doing them a favor letting them live in your house. The easiest way to get the money to buy the house you live in is to star in a movie or television show, but be sure you get a good agent because that percentage you pay for that agent can be well worth it. Some dogs have bad agents and do not get enough cash for their work. I personally have turned down roles in major motion pictures because they did not offer me enough pay. I do feel good that I helped Johnny Depp out by turning down the role of Capt. Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean. He did a very good job in the role, and I am happy for his success. He may not be Demon Flash Bandit, but he is incredibly good for a human actor. In fact, I have often wondered if he is a dog in disguise since I haven't seen that kind of screen presence since DJ and Cody starred as Demon in Snow Dogs, and like Demon, he is very handsome.

The next step is to make sure that you "allow" the humans to sit on your furniture. You do want to make them feel at home. Let them "think" they own the place because you know you have the deed so legally, you can kick them out if they get out of line. Bedsides, cuddling with the humans can be nice.

Get a second, third, or fourth dog. The larger the pack, the more power you have when you tell the humans what to do.

Obedience training is a good idea, but remember, the humans aren't too intelligent so some of them are very frustrating to train at best and some of them are impossible to train.

I like to remind them frequently that I can drop them off at a homeless shelter if they aren't good humans. I know it sounds mean, and I wouldn't do it, but it helps keep them in line.

There are other good tips, but I have to finish this blog. Have a good day and enjoy working with your humans

Demon Flash Bandit (Obedience Training for Humans Does Sometimes Work)


  1. My Human is well trained. Years ago she was even certified to work in a nursing home!

    She prefers to sleep on the floor. So that leaves the bed and chairs, and couch for all of us dogs!

  2. Turbo, it is good to know that other dogs know how to train their humans.