Bronx Zoo's Cobra to Host SNL?

I have been blogging about the cobra who is missing from the Bronx Zoo for several days now so I will start this blog with the latest information I have found about the snake. There is now a Facebook Fan Page dedicated to having the cobra host Saturday Night Live. She (evidently is it a female snake) was considering attending the Broadway show, Spiderman. I think she would enjoy it since I would assume that snakes probably don't mind spiders. She even took some time to pull a practical joke. She went to the Mueseum of Natural History and tweeted that "this is going to be hilarious". I can't argue with her on that. I bet the reaction of the humans at the museum would be funny. Who would expect a snake in a museum exhibit to come to life? That will teach the humans not to allow dogs at museums! By the way, for those of you who have been keeping up with the snake, there is now a full line of merchandies available in honor of the snake. There are t-shirts, mugs, and thongs. For those of you who would like to correspond with the snake, the email address is: BronxZoosCobra@gmail.com I'm happy for the cobra, but I would like to know why I haven't received as much attention as the snake. I'm a lot furrier and cuter, and I could do a great job hosting Saturday Night Live. I think I am just as funny as the snake. At least http://www.dogster.com/ chose my diary as a diary pick today. They don't even have a snakester--just dogster and catster. The Governor of Wisconsin, Walker, is having his problems. The court has decreed that his latest law that was supposed to deduct money from the state workers' paychecks is not valid. Of course, he says that the court has no authority to interject in the matter. Evidently, the man is unfamiliar with the U.S. system of government with its 3 branches to balance each other so one power hungry politician can't do as he pleases. Those founding fathers were smart humans. I've got to go now. I am going to call my agent and ask why I haven't been offered a job as host of Saturday Night Live. If a snake can be a host, then a dog would be a better host. Demon Flash Bandit (Future Host of SNL?)

Cobras, Tortoises, and the Royal Bachelor Party

Zoos are having their problems this week. In addition to the cobra that is lost from the Bronx Zoo in New York, there is a rare tortoise that is missing from the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo in Colorado Springs, Colorado. The rare tortoise named Butti is missing from a hands on exhibit called "The Loft". He and his brother, Tutti, are part of the exhibit, and the zoo officials think someone "walked off" with him. He is about the size of a grapefruit and weighs about 1 pound, and he is an Indian Star Tortoise. Zoo officials are hoping that he will be returned to the zoo because they are worried about him. The cobra is still lost, but now has 86,000 followers on Twitter under the name, BronxZooCobra. The cobra has been tweeting about his fun sightseeing trip about New York City where he thanks the animals from the movie, Madagascar, for being his inspiration. He stopped by Wall Street, but the humans there made his skin crawl. He has been to High Line Park and Rockefeller Plaza, and has tweeted his complaints about being unable to grab get a cab. Evidently, he is a Justin Beiber fan because one tweet said "I just want Justin Bieber to follow me.". I assume that he will be visiting the Statue of Liberty and the United Nations next. Perhaps the officials at the Bronx Zoo should be following his tweets to find out where he might be next. For those of you who are wondering if I was invited to the royal bachelor party or "stag do" as it is called by the British, yes I was. As my regular readers are already aware, I was asked to the wedding, but I refused to attend because they did not invite Bo Obama, the first dog or his humans. I did attend the bachelor party because that consisted of 20 of Prince William's closest friends. Prince Harry threw the party for his brother, and it was wonderful. It was a "secret" so I won't divulge too many of the details, but I will tell you that the food was from Burger King. If you are going to have a royal party, then you need royal food to match the occasion, and the Burger King never fails to please. This dog loves it!!! It was a great party, and I even had a few minutes to spend with the Queen Lady, who was very happy to see me. You might say that among the royal family, I am a "BIG DOG". I couldn't stay and visit with her long because I had a special private plane take me there, and I needed to get back home. I had naps waiting here with my name on them. Demon Flash Bandit (Attended Royal Bachelor Party)

To Carry-out or Not to Carry-out: That is the Question

After four days, the escaped cobra from the Bronx Zoo has still not been located. I have already warned my readers to stay away from the zoo. Zoo officials have shut down the Reptile House, and they say that the snake is hiding there in an area not open to the public. Since these are the same humans who are supposed to be keeping the animals where they belong in the first place, this dog would avoid the zoo, and assume that they don't know what they are doing. The life you save may be your own. The snake is on Twitter and already has 18,000 followers. This really annoys me that this stupid poisonous snake has more followers than I do on this blog. I'm not on Twitter because I think there is something fundamentally wrong with a site that uses a "BIRD" as its symbol. Birds are evil, and I think it is a site that cannot be trusted. In entertainment news, Charlie Sheen has accused his ex-wife, Denise Richards of being a dog thief. If I were Charlie Sheen's dog, I would hide in Denise Richards' car to get out of there. Charlie is much too busy for his dogs, and he might forget to feed them, and a dog takes things like that very seriously. I'm sure they will be ready to return to him when he isn't so busy. The town of Lafayette. Colorado has had some possible UFO encouters recently. As I have pointed out in past blogs, aliens are big fans of our food so, if it really is a UFO, there must be some restaurant in the town that is popular among the aliens. Since Colorado has the Air Force Academy, I suspect it might just be some new form of aircraft that the military is trying out. I doubt that there are that many great restaurants in a small town in Colorado. If I'm wrong, then it is time for me to place a carry-out order. Demon Flash Bandit (Hanging Around with My Humans Who Have Time for Me)

Snakes, Lunatics, and My Handsome Tail

One of the items in the news today is a follow up on the missing cobra at the Bronx Zoo. It is still lost, and the Reptile House is still closed. This is one dog who would skip the whole "Zoo experience" until the snake is found. The zoo is supposed to be a fun place to see the animals, not a place where the "residents" attack. If you feel you must visit the zoo before the snake is found, I would suggest taking a mongoose along to protect you from the snake. In other news, Charlie Sheen has called his ex-wife, Denise Richards, a dog thief. I'm not sure what caused him to make this new accusation, and I've got a hunch Charlie has no idea what brought it on either. He seems to be in some kind of fairytale land where he is the winner and everyone else is the loser and a troll. I suppose it is good for him because from what I have read, he isn't a winner when it comes to his job. I do enjoy Two and a Half Men, but it is not One Man, One Lunatic and a Boy. Evidently, he must be reading the wrong script. On a happier subject, I have been looking at my tail and I think it is very handsome. I feel bad for the humans because I think they would look so much better with tails. As it is, they walk around on the back paws, and look silly. It makes them fall. All us dogs know that it is better to walk on all 4 paws, and it makes more sense because we don't fall as often walking on all 4 paws. The only time a dog will walk on 2 paws is if he doesn't have all 4 paws to walk on. You would think the humans would know better. It isn't like they make tables or chairs with only 2 legs. I feel like taking a nap so I will end this blog now. That is another thing that would benefit the humans. They don't take enough naps. Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Takes His Naps Seriously)

Real Life "Snakes on a Plane"

Today is a big news day for snakes. Indonesian airport authorities detained two men who were attempting to bring 40 pythons on board their flight to Dubai. X-rays showed that their bags were filled with sedated snakes. The men, 2 Kuwaitis, say they were planning to sell them to collectors in the United Arab Emirates. The men face up to 7 years in jail and a fine of $30,000. if they are found guilty of bringing wild animals on board. This dog is wondering what kind of people collect snakes. I know that is a collection that I would not want to have. I think they probably just watched the movie, Snakes on a Plane, one time too many. The Bronx Zoo in New York closed the reptile house because a poisonous adolescent cobra snake was missing. Zoo officials said that there is no danger to the public because the snake is in an area of the building not accessible to the public because snakes usually seek closed in areas and aren't comfy in open areas. I would question this statement because, if the snake is lost, then they don't really know where the snake is hiding out. Isn't that the definition of "lost"? My advice would be that if you are planning a trip to the Bronx Zoo, postpone that trip until the snake is found. I'm guessing teenage snakes are probably a lot more annoying that adult snakes. In fact, it would not surprise me if the snake's parents kicked it out of the reptile house. I know I hear lots of humans complaining about their teenage children. Perhaps the snake escaped so it could go to see a Whitesnake or Blacksnake concert. If so, then the snake will probably make it back home by morning. My human Daddy almost stepped on a cobra and there was another cobra nearby. He was almost bitten by that snake, and it was not one of his more pleasant memories. I think I would prefer to avoid that kind of memory myself so this dog will not be visiting the Bronx Zoo until the snake is safely back where it is supposed to be. In yet another news item involving snakes, animal control in Lewisville, Texas captured an 11 foot python. They won't be putting it up for adoption. It will be used as part of an educational program. I am still wondering why anyone would want a pet snake. I am not a fan of snakes, and there is no way I would have a pet snake. I don't know what the humans are thinking. They aren't cute or cuddly so they make horrible pets. Demon Flash Bandit (Not a Fan of Snakes)

Dog Who Gets Things Done

Yesterday was Procrastination Day, and for those of you who decided to put it off until today, I hope you are enjoying the day. I'm guessing that many are deciding to put it off until tomorrow. I wonder if the people who celebrate Procrastination Day ever bother to celebrate it since they probably always put it off until the next day anyway. Unlike the humans who like to procrastinate the things that need to be done, this dog does not procrastinate. I take my naps on time, and I get my dinner on time. There is nothing worse than putting off a good nap when you are tired. I might add that I write this blog, I write for dogster, I have a store on the web, and I write movie reviews for my brother's website http://moviememorabiliahub.weebly.com/ so when I need a nap, I need a nap. I am a busy dog.

On the subject of procrastination, Walmart has announced that you can order things from them online and pick them up the same day at their local stores. I don't think this plan is going to work because our local Walmart never hires enough people to run the store, and I think it is going to be very difficult for them to get all the things together for pickup. As it is now, I have never seen anyone pick up anything at the store that they have ordered on the Internet. If it works the way I think it will end up working, I think Walmart might need to join the Procrastination Group.

It got warm here recently, and now it has become delightfully colder again. The humans don't seem too happy about the weather, but I think it is great. Just when a dog thinks spring might have come, the wonderful cold weather returns. It isn't cold enough to have snow, but a dog can hope that it will get colder.

I hope everyone has a nice weekend, and let's all hope for some delightfully cooler weather next week.

Demon Flash Bandit (Not a Procrastinating Dog)

Whack a Banker Sounds Fun, but I would Prefer to Whack Birds

I have some pleasant news for my readers. For those of you who are annoyed that your government bailed out the banks, there is a cool new game you can play. There is an arcade in Britain that has a game based on the Whack a Mole game only this one is Whack a Banker. The bankers are bald and faceless, and for 65 cents in United States currency or 45 euro cents, you have 30 seconds to hit the banker in the head with a mallet. The game is so popular that the humans are wearing out the mallets. The really annoying thing is that when you win the game, a "banker's" voice says, "You win. We retire. Thank you very much to the taxpayer for paying our pensions". I'm sure this makes the humans want to play again and again.

I have even better news for my readers. You can play a similar game online without paying anything. For those who want to play, the address is:
http://www.funnygames.co.uk/whack-a-banker.htm This dog is hoping they come up with a Whack a Bird game. I would really enjoy hitting those evil birds on their little evil heads.

Demon Flash Bandit (Waiting to Whack a Bird)

Conspiracy Theory Involving Mickey Mouse

Today I read the story of a Pit Bull who was thrown into the garbage in Newark, New Jersey after being on the verge of starvation. His name is Patrick and he is currently under veterinary care. For those who are interested. there is a miracle page on Facebook for Patrick. The address of his page is:
http://www.facebook.com/ThePatrickMiracle/

I read that the fifth season of Mad Men is on hold over money issues. I know this show has won an Emmy. Other than the delightful scene in the first season when the lady shot the birds of the neighbor who threatened their dog, which was awesome, I'm not a major fan of the show. I think the show is financed by the tobacco companies because it seems to just have a bunch of humans constantly smoking cigarettes.

Speaking of entertainment, several actors have been cast in the HBO production of Game Change. Ed Harris has been chosen to play John McCain which I think would be better played (this is Jeff's opinion also) by the Crypt Keeper. Sure, the Crypt Keeper might be a bit too young looking for the part, but you have to go with the best you can get. Julianne Moore is going to play Satan Playin. Oh, sorry, that is Sarah Palin. Wait a minute, I think I spelled it right the first time. It is refreshing to see those actors playing the bad guys for a change. Okay, McCain isn't really that bad a guy, but who would want Satan taking over?

Now onto the most important part of the blog: the latest conspiracy theory which I came up with myself. I think Mickey Mouse is out to take over the world. I'm not the first to come up with this theory. It was exposed in a television documentary, Pinky and the Brain. Both were lab mice, and Brain was trying to take over the world in every episode. This is based on Mickey Mouse, but the creator of it did not want to get sued by Disney so he didn't use the actual mouse who is making the plans for world domination. Mickey started his theme parks just so he could make lots of money to finance his world takeover. Just look at how he treats dogs. We aren't allowed in his part because he knows we would see through his plans and warn the humans. He does allow 2 dogs, and this is the scariest part. Pluto, the smart dog can't talk, but Goofy, the stupid dog can. You know he probably had some surgery done to Pluto to keep him from talking so that he can't warn the humans about Mickey's evil plans. It is also why Mickey has such big ears--so he can listen to anyone who might be divulging his plans. Speaking of big ears, if Mickey hears someone speaking the truth about him, he sends Dumbo to fly over and leave a "bird type bomb" on the person. I don't have to tell you that a bomb left by an elephant is even worse than one dropped by a bird. Next time you buy that innocent stuffed Mickey Mouse for a small child, just remember, there is no telling what Mickey has put into the toy--listening devices, mind control devices, etc. Buy one at your own risk. You have been warned by Demon Flash Bandit so you know better than to take needless risks.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Can't Be Fooled by Mice)

Improving Television Programming

I have been planning some new television programs that I think would be big hits. The first show is Lifestyles of the Rich and Furry which is a show about how rich, dog celebrites choose to live. King of the Kennel is the story of a regular working dog (a German Shepherd) who delivers bones to other dogs' homes. Married With Puppies is about a Bassett Hound who sells dog booties and his disfunctional family. Mushtrek is about a team of Siberian huskies who mush to outer space. Barkville is the story of Superdog when he was a puppy. The Incredible Great Dane is the story of a chihuahua who was exposed to gamma radiation and turns into a Great Dane whenever he gets angry. Believe me, that is quite a switch. Saint Bernard and Son--the story of a St. Bernard and his puppy who collect garbage and sell it to other dogs. Pomeranians of Hazzard who ride around in their 1969 Dodge Charger driving the pig who runs the town nuts. Mad Dogs is about dogs who are in advertising.

As you can see, I have been busy thinking up good dog shows for the networks. If any network executives are reading this (this would exclude the ones from NBC because I suspect they can't read), get in touch with me. I've always got lots of ideas.

By the way, conpawtulations to the couple in Iowa. They were about to lose their home to foreclosure, but they get to keep it after one payment thanks to one of the couple not signing the loan documents. Evidently, some of the humans are mad about their good fortune, but if you ask me; any mortgage company should know to get both signatures before handing out money. They are in the business and should know the laws. I guess I just have trouble feeling sorry for large mortgage companies whose CEOs probably get paid more in a month than that house sold for.

Demon Flash Bandit (Improving Television Programming)

Delicious Candy Growing on from a Plant!

Since I was discussing fashion yesterday, it brought to mind the many fabrics available for use in the fashion industry. My personal favorite it cotton. This dog thinks cotton is the greatest of all the fabrics. It grows on a plant, and I have decided that I would like to get involved in picking it from the plant. I know there probably wouldn't be much left for making clothing after I'm done eating it. I'm not quite sure how the humans turn a tasty plant into clothing that does not taste good, but the humans are good at ruining good things. This is why I want to pick my own cotton candy. I will admit that I plan to eat all of it I pick and I won't be making any clothes from it, but cotton candy is delicious. All that sugary goodness growing right there on a plant. I'm surprised more humans don't grow it in their gardens, but I think they like to make themselves miserable eating things that they think are "good for them". I say if it tastes good, it is good for me.

Demon Flash Bandit (Candy is Better than Fashion)

Human Fashion Approved by Demon Flash Bandit

Today I have decided to discuss fashion. Of course, this is not dog fashion because, if there is one thing I hate it is having the humans decided to dress me in some ridiculous outfit that they think looks "cute" on me. Of course it looks cute on me, but I am just as cute without it so why bother? The humans spend a great deal of time and money picking out just the right item to wear, and I think I can solve this problem because I have decided to go into the fashion industry myself. I have come up with a plan to make things much easier for the humans in the fashion arena. I have seen some lovely t-shirts with dogs on them. My humans have several Siberian husky shirts, and I think they look bettter than anything else in their closet. It does not have to be a husky, it can be a poodle, or even a chihuahua, but as long as it is a dog, it looks great.

Since humans aren't logical thinkers like us dogs, you have to explain things to them like you would bark to a puppy. I will start with business suits. If they were replaced by dog t-shirts, that person would seem a lot more honest, and other humans would feel better about doing business with them so why are the humans wearing suits when a dog t-shirt would be much better for business? If you meet another human on the street that you don't know, seeing them in a dog t-shirt would make them seem a lot friendlier and more approachable which means that the humans would get along better. T-shirts are comfortable to wear and would help keep the humans cool in warmer weather. As you can see, my idea would bring peace and prosperity to the world, align the planets, and stop global warming. To make sure that the humans get the best looking t-shirts, I am even thinking about putting my face on a t-shirt. What could be better than a Demon Flash Bandit shirt? I can't think of anything better.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With Ideas)

If Mice Can Drive, So Can Dogs!

I was watching an old movie called Stewart Little, and this dog is angry. It seems that Stewart, who happens to be a mouse, has a car and is able to drive around town. I am a dog who has been wanting my own car and driver's license since I was a puppy. I've been told that dogs aren't given licenses to drive. I wasn't happy about that, but I accepted it---until I saw the movie. Why is a mouse given a driver's license and a car when he is a MOUSE!!!! When did mice become more responsible than dogs? Most humans don't even like to have them around yet they are driving around probably causing accidents. What are the humans thinking giving them licenses? My theory is that Mickey Mouse, who must be quite wealthy by now, is buying off the politicians so that mice can legally drive their little mouse cars. This is yet another case of greedy politicians putting their constituents at risk just so they can get some extra money. I think a judge should subpoena their bank accounts to see if they have deposited a large amount of "unaccounted" for cash in their bank account from a depositor in California or Florida. Yes, we know where the big shot mouse gets his money. Isn't it bad enough that mice can run around Disney's parks and dogs aren't allowed? Mickey, I hope you are reading this because this is one dog that can see through your corruption of the system. I will fight to get you and the rest of the mice off the road and back in the garage and attics where you belong!

Demon Flash Bandit (If Dogs Can't Drive, Neither Should Mice)

King Demon Flash Bandit

As you can see from today's photo of Phantom Fast Snowman, my stunt double had a bit too much green beer and took off his Irish shirt. If it had been me, I would have taken off the silly hat, but you would think Phantom had stuffing for brains. I suppose it has its advantages since Phantom might complain about being my stunt double if he had brains. Anyway, everyone here had a happy St. Patrick's Day, and I hope it was a good day for my readers too.

Since yesterday was St. Patrick's Day, it has made this dog think of castles. Actually, I am thinking that a dog like myself should be living in a castle instead of a normal house. Not that I think napping would be any better in a castle, but if it were a castle with a 24 hour Burger King chef, that would be like heaven for me. I could get up in the middle of the night and order a whopper with bacon. Bacon is also very delicious!!! There would be no need for those silly fries or onion rings. I don't like them anyway. The "chef could keep shakes and pies on the "menu" since I like them too. I checked the nutrition guide and BK, bacon, shakes, and pies are all good for a dog. I happen to be an expert on nutrition which is why I wrote the nutrition chart that I consulted. I think the silly humans use a different chart, and it is as silly as they are. If you go by their "nutrition" chart, you would never eat the best tasting stuff. I say if it tastes good, you are supposed to eat it. Anyway, all this talk of food has made me hungry. I am going to go to the kitchen and see if there is any food hanging around in there uneaten.

Demon Flash Bandit (King Demon Flash Bandit)

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Top of the mornin' to everyone. Today is St. Patrick's Day. This brings up a subject which is very dear to me. Why is there no Demon Flash Bandit day? I've written the White House several times suggesting they add it to the list of holidays; but so far, I have received no response from them. Anyway, this is the day that most of the humans become Irish. (You know there are always a few out there who don't get with the program and don't become Irish.) I have posted a photo of myself taken with my Irish party hat on my head. Okay, it isn't really me, but it is my stunt double, Phantom Fast Snowman. I have a contract that states that if the humans want to dress me in something I consider to be stupid (and that is pretty much everything), they have to use Phantom. There are a few photos of me wearing a hat, but believe me, they were done without my approval. I also expect extra money for those times. A human can't just expect a dog to do what they want without some kind of compensation.

I think it is appropriate that I give a brief history of St. Patrick's Day and why we celebrate that day. St. Patrick lived a long time ago. I think it was in the 1950's which would make him super old. He decided to move to Ireland because he thought it would be a cool place to live. Before he came to Ireland, there were snakes everywhere, and he wasn't fond of snakes so he tricked them into moving elsewhere. He told them that there was a snake amusement park in another country, and all of us know how much snakes love to ride roller coasters so they left and never came back. I'm not sure how true this story happens to be since there are lots of pubs in Ireland, and maybe St. Patrick just "thought" he saw some snakes. When the humans drink enough green beer, some of them can see anything. Just ask Phantom Fast Snowman. He tends to spend a bit too much time drinking gin himself. Anyway, then St. Patrick discovered some leprechauns, and he put them to work making Lucky Charms cereal, which is how they amassed so much gold. The humans are always trying to get their paws on the gold which is stupid since they should be trying to get the cereal. Humans have a fascination for gold so if a dog can get some, he can trade it for all sorts of useful things--like Burger King burgers or dingo bones.

I hope you have learned something from this blog. I love to share my vast knowledge of world history which I have been studying ever since I was a puppy.

Demon Flash Bandit (Happy St. Patrick's Day)

Candy--Welcome to Use My Doggy Door

I have been watching some M+M commercials, and there is one in which the M+M with a briefcase uses the doggy door to get into the house. Since it is a doggy door, I do not think this behavior should be encouraged. However, if tasty candy wants to come through my doggy door, I will make an exception and it is allowed. Of course, it won't last long after this dog sees it in the house. There is another one in which the M+Ms are eating M+Ms. If this was a human eating another human, it would be called cannibalism. I guess it is M+Mibalism. This means that a dog can eat as many of them as possible without feeling guilty. After all, it is not nice to eat your own kind so they must be stopped. In fact, any candy that chooses to can walk through my doggy door and I will be glad to welcome that candy into my tummy. YUM!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Is Hospitable to Candy)

Knock-Off Toys

Since I am a dog who speaks several human languages and also several different species languages, I have always found language to be a fascinating subject. This is why, when I saw some interesting knock-off toys made in places that don't speak English, I thought it would be a fun site to share with my readers. I know that translation is difficult and I give the knock-offs credit for being good, but the language barrier always makes for some interesting twists. By the way, we dogs aren't spared from getting knock offs. You know your humans are trying to be frugal when instead of a kong toy, you get an ape. Sure, King Kong may have been a giant ape, but it just isn't the same. You know you have the poor parents in the neighborhood if you are the only child playing with Spaderman instead of Spiderman, Super-Bat instead of Superman or Batman, Robert Cop instead of Robo Cop, and if you go home to play with your new video system, Polystation instead of Playstation. If you would like to see some of these knock off toys for yourself, they can be viewed at:
http://www.urlesque.com/2010/06/01/26-hilariously-inaccurate-knock-off-toys/

Mommy has a story about that from her own childhood. It seems that Barbie was introduced in her lifetime (yeah dogs, I think she is about a million years old in dog years). I think she said Barbie was about $1.98. Barbie was made by Mattel so Ideal came up with a different doll named Tammy. Tammy was a little cheaper--I'm not sure how much, but she was cheaper. Mattel's Barbie introduced a little sister, and Tammy had an entire family. I suppose the humans at Ideal must have sat around the board room saying, what do most teenagers want? You know one "genius" in the room said, "I know, they want parents to hang around them all the time. They just can't get enough time spent with the parents." That person went on to head NBC and choose Leno over O'Brian. Barbie got Ken as a boyfriend. I'm not sure if Tammy ever had a boyfriend (like it would be easy with her parents hanging around all the time). My Mommy wanted Tammy to have a boyfriend so my human Grandmother found her "dad" on clearance and suggested she "pretend" that he is Tammy's boyfriend. Strange as it may sound, Mommy grew up unaffected by such scandal, and has actually lived a normal life. This is the same Grandmother who suggested she build a "house" by making a square with "rocks". In fact, I think in some ways, it is good for children to use their imaginations when playing. It also is a great way to keep bored children occupied. Mommy's older sister and her friend, Mike, once spent several hours sitting with a salt shaker because Mommy's dad told them that they could catch a bird if they could put salt on its tail. Sure, they were very young at the time, but I'm sure it gave him at least an hour's peace, and that can be a wonderful thing when you have human puppies. I have a better way of catching a bird. You let a cat catch it, and then you take it from the cat. Yes, Demon Flash Bandit can always be counted on to find the easiest way to do a chore.

Demon Flash Bandit (Knock-off Toys)

Items in the News

This dog would like to express my sadness at the loss of life and all the destruction that has affected Japan. As if the earthquake and tsunami weren't bad enough, the problems with the nuclear power plant is making it even more devastating. My prayers go out to the people affected by this great tragedy! I personally don't know why the humans use nuclear power plants to power things anyway. It seems to me that they could find a safer method, but of course, that would probably take the kind of genius that only us dogs possess.

Another news item that I found interesting is about a man in Gainesville, Florida who bought a printer at Walmart so he could print counterfeit United States currency. He tried to use the money at a local restaurant, and they refused to take it. He has been arrested, and I'm wondering if in addition to charges of counterfeiting, perhaps he was also charged with stupidity. I think even most birds know that printers and paper from Walmart won't make realistic looking United States currency.

Demon Flash Bandit (Commenting on the News)

Don't Mess with Burger King!

Occasionally, a dog will read a story about the humans that is so ridiculous, you wonder how the humans could have ever survived this long. The story today (and this was in the news) is the story of an event that happened in Oakland Park, Florida at a Burger King there. Tara Lyons, age 38, went through drive-thru and ordered a breakfast sandwich for a total expense of $1.06. She decided that someone in the restaurant had spit on her sandwich so she parked her car, and went inside. At that point, she jumped over the counter and started throwing breakfast sandwiches and condiments at the employees. Broward Country Sheriffs arrested her and she was charged with assault and battery and burglary. Once she gets her sentencing from the local police, I think the Burger King should arrest her, and this dog thinks he should order "off with her head". The world is better off without humans with her kind of behavior. If he decides to show mercy, he could sentence her to life in the dungeon with no chance for parole. When a human starts messing with Burger King sandwiches, this dog gets angry. There are some things that are unforgivable, and messing with BK sandwiches is one of those things.

For those of you who are wondering....yes, it was really Tara Lyons. It was not Charlie Sheen in drag. I know some of you think it sounds like something he would do at this point. I also don't think she was taking the drug, Charlie Sheen, because her face wasn't melted off, and her body had not exploded.


Demon Flash Bandit (Don't Mess With Burger King!)

Something Rotten in Michigan--the Governor

This dog wants to congratulate Governor Snyder of Michigan. This man would make King George III proud! For those of you who don't know who King George III was, he was the British king who caused the "colonies" to fight the Revolutionary War. Governor Snyder has decided that all the democracy that the United States has enjoyed for the last couple hundred years is not a good idea, and he is willing to take over the decisions because he is the only one who should be in charge. His ideas are hardly revolutionary. They have been shared by others throughout history--Napoleon, Hitler, and Atilla come to mind. By declaring financial "martial law", he can take over any city, town, or county in Michigan. He can replace the people who were elected to run the area at which time he will replace them with whoever he chooses--and it can be a corporation. Of course, with his "people" in charge, they can revoke any contracts that the local government has in force. That sounds a lot like taxation without representation to this dog. It also sounds to me like Synder would prefer to be called Dictator Snyder. I would encourage the residents who live in Michigan to sign a petition to get this jerk recalled. The world would have been a better place had the Germans had the good sense to recall Hitler before he took over all the power.

Demon Flash Bandit (Watching Out for the Humans--As Usual)

Zombie Ants and Zombie Aunts

Today's subject is about something of major importance for our survival here on Earth. I don't know how many of you are worried about the threat of zombie attack, but I am posting a link to the Youtube video of former President, George W. Bush discussing this possibility with a reporter. For those of you who think that zombies are only fictional creatures that you see in television and movies, it is scientific fact that zombies exist. National Geographic magazine has covered zombie ants. These ants are in Brazil, and they have their mind taken over by a parasitic fungus that affects their behavior. The fungus is a newfound species, Ophiocordyceps Camponoti-balzani. You know it is real because I'm not creative enough to come up with such a long, silly name for a fungus. Once the fungus affects the ants, it releases chemicals that make the ant find a location that is best for the fungus. Then the ant grabs hold of the leaf (the fungus likes leaves), and holds the leaf in a death grip until the ant dies. This fungus was discovered by entomologist (a bug expert for those who don't like big, fancy titles), David Hughes.

This brings me to an important point. If this fungus is affecting the behavior of ants, it is only logical that it could be affecting aunts too. I have one aunt in particular that I suspect has fallen victim to this fungus and became a zombie because she likes to spend most of her time sleeping. That sounds like zombie behavior to me.

Since it can affect aunts, and they are human, this explains why the aforementioned video with George W. Bush is so important. While the humans are worrying about things that will never happen, zombies could be plotting their takeover of the world. If Dick Cheney isn't a zombie, I don't know who is.

Here is the link for the Youtube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoXgRtDysLY

Demon Flash Bandit (Warning About Zombies)

Play Poker With Dogs!

In a past blog, I talked about the wonderful paintings of dogs playing poker. Sadly, most of us can't afford to own these original paintings due to their cost. I'm still trying to save enough money to buy one for myself. I know I could hang a reproduction, but I'm a dog who happens to be an art connoisseur, and as such, I want the real thing. This is why I have good news for my readers today. There is a game on the Internet that involves playing poker with 4 dogs. The dogs names are Rex, Puddles, Fido, and Spot. Yes, if you play this game, it is like being part of the painting, and what could be better than that? For those who are interested in playing this game, the site address is:
http://gamescene.com/Dogs_Playing_Poker.html
I don't know if playing it is free or not since I just discovered it today so be sure and check on that sort of thing if you decide to play. Since you are playing dogs, you have to remember that they are probably very good poker players and will probably win if you are a mere human.

I have a letter to share with my readers from one of my many celebrity friends. This time it is from the Trix Rabbit.
Dear Demon Flash Bandit,
I want to let you know that I got some Trix cereal today. Do those children really think they can keep a rabbit from getting some delicious Trix cereal? As you know, dogs and rabbits are so much more intelligent than the humans. I wanted to ask you if there are any paintings of bunnies playing poker. I would like to hang something like that in my hutch.
Love, The Trix Rabbit
P.S. Trix cereal is delicious!
No, to my knowledge, there are no paintings of rabbits playing poker.

The rabbit and I have been pals for years, and it is always good to hear from him.
Governor Scott Walker, managed to get his legislation passed taking the bargaining rights away from the union that represents the public employees of Wisconsin. Police and firefighters are exempt, and continue to have bargaining rights. Also the legislature, the ones who overspent in the first place, aren't taking pay cuts. It is amazing how hypocritical some of the humans in power can be. One day, when they meet the "Person" who is really in charge, I'm glad I won't be in their booties.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dogs Playing Poker)

Royal Dog Thanks to Burger King

McWedding bells are ringing in Hong Kong. Yes, in Hong Kong, McDonalds is not a place just for children's parties. You can arrange an engagement party or a wedding reception at the fast food chain. I think this is a good idea since many couples end up spending a lot of money for their weddings, and it would be a lot cheaper to have the events at fast food restaurants. In fact, even if the couple rents a place that is a bit more elegant, it would not hurt to have fast food catered for the event. Let's face it, the food is reasonable in price, and if it were that awful, they wouldn't serve so many humans everyday. Of course, if it were me, I would be checking with the local Burger King to see if they could accommodate a wedding. Just having my wedding guests wear the BK crown would be something worth seeing. I could even brag about the photos--all the people attending are royalty, and can be proven by the crowns they are wearing. That would teach a stupid human who says my wedding isn't "royal" to try arguing with a very clever dog.

On another subject, I got 6 letters and 5 emails from Charlie Sheen yesterday. As you know he is talking to everyone in the media, and of course, he knows that his pal, Demon Flash Bandit, is one of the most popular of all the media outlets. He also knows that I am a winner so it is only natural that he would want to keep in touch with me. Here is the letter:
Dear Demon Winning Whatever,
I am writing from you as a sober human who is only drinking tiger blood, but red liquor does not count so I am still sober. At least I think I am sober. This is your pal, I don't remember my name. My goddesses Charlie Sheen 1 & 2 say it is Charlie Sheen.....whatever. I have been thinking about how much I hate Thomas Jefferson again. What is so great about running a dry cleaning business anyway? You know he was high from the fumes because he didn't even remember his own name, and kept calling himself George. He didn't remember his goddess's name either because he kept calling her Weezy. I think he was married to an allergy.
Can you send me one of those tasty paczkis you have in your area? I have the munchys. I just ate a zebra. It hit the spot. I guess the tiger blood was craving it. Your pal, The Guy Who Stars on Two and a Half Whatever

I shared the one letter that made some sense. If you are curious, here is the one that made the least since.
Dear Whoever,
I am hanging out on the roof. I have just been fired. Someone, quick, put out the flames. I think I'll cut my head off with this machete machine. That way I can sit around and think with my head while my body runs around to various places to do interviews. I think I might be going sane. Quick, someone stop me before I taste again.....I'm Curious George the monkey. Where is the man with the yellow hat, or it is a red hat. No, it is a purple hat that is blue.
Love, Whoever I Am
Someone stop this man before he writes me again.....PLEASE!!!!!

Perhaps he can fly to Hong Kong and arrange a McCrazy party at McDonalds.

My human brother, Jeff has started a website about movies. The address is:
http://moviememorabiliahub.weebly.com/ Stop by and visit his site. Tell him Demon Flash Bandit sent you. I want him to remember who the most important person in this house happens to be----ME!!!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who is Royalty Thanks to Burger King)

Celebrating Paczki Day

Today is paczki day in the Detroit, Michigan metropolitan area. Yes, the day that the Polish people who settled here make a delicious doughnut for "Fat Tuesday". This dog plans to have at least one paczki in my paws before the day it over. I have an elaborate plan in place in case the humans say they aren't for dogs. I plan to wear my hat and my Superman cape. No one can refuse to give Superman a paczki. This is when my blue eyes come in handy since the humans don't expect a dog to have blue eyes. Sure, my humans know I have blue eyes, but my plan is to visit all the neighbors and get a paczki from each of them. They don't call it Fat Tuesday for nothing. The best thing about the situation is that I don't have to give up anything for Lent. If I did, I would just give up some fur because I'm always shedding it everywhere anyway so it isn't much of a sacrifice. Giving up something you love doesn't sound like fun.

I was browsing the Internet for some interesting tidbits from the news and I found the most depressing contest ever. A radio station in Aschaffenberg, Germany is having a contest in which the prize is a check for $4,200. that MUST be spent on death insurance. It seems kind of silly to me since I thought death is one of those inevitable things to happen. To win the prize, the entrants must come up with the most clever epitaph for their tombstone. I'm waiting to see if the epitaph, "I won the contest so I can die now" will be one of the clever entries. The amazing fact is that over 600 people have entered the contest. If you ask this dog, it sounds like the people who live there must not be having much fun in their lives because this is a contest that this dog wouldn't bother to enter. Of course, I have no plans to cross over the bridge. I plan to stay and enjoy important events like "Paczki Day" forever.

Demon Flash Bandit (Celebrating Paczki Day)

Demon Flash Bandit: Lead Dog

Charlie Sheen has a new tattoo that spells out "winning". I think I should consider getting a tattoo that describes me. My humans said I should get a similar tattoo that says "whining" because they claim that I whine when I want something I haven't gotten yet. How else am I going to let the humans know what I want? Sometimes I speak to them in human, but I'm not quite sure they understand their own language, and they certainly don't understand dog. Sure, they will "speak" dog from time to time, but they have no idea what they are saying. One day, one of my humans was talking dog, and they had no idea that they were saying, I'm an idiot......don't you agree? By the way, I did agree. When the human is right, the humans is right!

I was pleased to see the Internet saying that the humans in the United States are getting mad at the oil companies. This dog has been wondering when they would finally notice that the oil companies are rotten. It is like most of them didn't notice that when oil prices went up originally, the President and Vice-President were both oil men. It was to their advantage to raise the oil prices. It was also to their advantage to start a war. It always amazes me that it takes the humans so long to put these things together. Sure, they don't have my dog sense, but you would think that they would get the easy connections. The oil companies did the same thing back in the 1970's. As soon as they got the prices higher; the oil, which was supposed to be in short supply, was plentiful again. I suppose some of the humans will believe anything you tell them.

As usual, I could solve most of these financial problems if I were in charge. When a company that provides a necessity that has very little competition gets too ridiculous and starts gouging the consumer; I would order the government to take over and replace the greedy jerks running the company. My guess is that there would be a lot fewer companies pulling tricks like that if they think there will be some repercussions other than making more money. I will never understand how the humans can continue running things when a dog would clearly make a better leader. I've done many surveys on the subject and even cats think dogs would make better leaders than the humans--and they are CATS!!!

Let's take a look at one of the humans who is in the news constantly in recent days-Charlie Sheen. How can he think he is "winning" when he isn't a dog? Being a human, he just sounds insane with his rants. If he were a dog, I would understand since all dogs are winners, but humans are not winners. I suspect he doesn't have a pet dog because, if he did, his dog would tell him to shut it, and quit acting crazy.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Is a Lead Dog)

Demon Flash Bandit: Corporate Consultant

I'm having a wonderful visit with Deputy Dawg. I'm so glad he was able to get away from his job and visit me this weekend. Perhaps he can come and visit me more often in the future.

Today's blog subject is about McDonalds. I have read several items in the news lately about that company. The first is how the corporation is not happy that their "McJobs" are considered to be underpaid and filled by uneducated humans. They plan to change this by telling the humans that their employees are not underpaid and uneducated. The other news item is that they are going to tone down their long time "mascot" Ronald McDonald to appeal to an older, more sophisticated clientele. These two news items mean one thing to this dog--they need some new humans running the corporation. The fact that their average "crew member" is underpaid is a fact. Most McDonalds restaurants pay minimum wage for an employee who is starting to work there. Sure, in 6 months, they might get another 25 cents, but they seldom get more than 10 cents because the restaurant they work at is losing money. The amazing thing about this is that McDonalds can be making record profits on Wall Street, but their individual restaurants are always "losing" money. Yet despite this, they continue operating these locations for decades.

I have some good ideas for the McDonalds Corporation. Try paying your employees a "living wage". If you pay more money, you can be pickier about who you hire, and you will also not have to worry about people considering your jobs to be McJobs. You might even have humans WANT to work at your restaurants. I know this is a foreign concept for the humans at the top, but that is fact. Some of these executives make more money than they can ever spend, but they still fight the idea of paying their employees who actually make the money for them enough. I have a suggestion that might help them understand. I think all the executives should have to show up and actually do the work they expect their lower employees to do for at least one week a year, and have them receive the same pay. Then maybe they can understand why these jobs are called McJobs.

I also think it is wrong to shove the clown aside. He has been part of the company for years. The "sophisticated clientele will get their coffee there no matter who the "mascot" happens to be. It isn't like the mascot is hanging around the restaurant everyday. I can guarantee you that the sophisticated humans aren't stopping in for the atmosphere. No matter what you order there, it is still a McDonalds, and they aren't known for their elegance. I would love to spend a couple of days as a consultant for the McDonalds corporation. This is the problem with putting humans in charge--they don't think like us dogs!

Demon Flash Bandit (Available for Corporate Consultations)

Charlie Sheen: He is No Deputy Dawg!

I hope my readers enjoyed the letter I received from Charlie Sheen and that I shared on my blog yesterday. I have received 2 more letters from him since yesterday, but I'm not going to share them today. They weren't nearly as coherent as the letter I shared yesterday. This will come as a great surprise to my readers, but Charlie Sheen actually sounded crazy with the last two letters. Yeah, I know that is shocking, but it is true. I might add that he is planning a trip to Haiti with Sean Penn. Haven't those people in Haiti suffered enough?

I got a telephone call last night from the Queen Lady begging me to attend the royal wedding, but I had to remind her that she did not ask Bo Obama, first dog. It is about time the Queen Lady learned that there are consequences for actions.

I am very excited today because I am going to have company later today. Deputy Dawg is coming to visit me!!! I have been asking him to come for a long time, but he has been having problems getting away due to those varmints he has to keep in line. Muskie and Vince can be a real pawful for Deputy Dawg. The Sheriff is going to take over for a couple of days so Deputy Dawg can have a couple of days off so he is going to come and spend that time with me. I had better go now because I've got a lot to do before my celebrity guest arrives. I wonder if Charlie Sheen realizes that he doesn't have the star status of Deputy Dawg--few humans possess such charisma!

Demon Flash Bandit (Excited to See Deputy Dawg!)

Letter from Charlie Sheen

This dog happens to have a lot of celebrity friends who correspond with me frequently. One of them that I share letters from often is the Queen Lady (Elizabeth II). Today I will share a letter I received from my pal, Charlie Sheen. I am sharing this letter because I think he needs to be heard. It is a shame that he has been so quiet lately.

Dear Demon Whatever,

How is it going? I know you don't get me and you can't comprehend me, but you are the only one who can even come close to understanding me. You get me, but I know you don't get me, man, but you get me. You got it? I know you get it, or do you? Got it?

You and me are so alike dude because I have stunt doubles and you have Phantom Fast Snowman, your stunt double. My stunt double always wins, and he is always winning. He wins. He is a loser compared to me, but he is a winner by association with me. It is win-win. My stunt double is Zeus because he is the only one that can come close to my winningness and awesomeness, but he is a *&%$& compared to me. He has a long gray beard that is not cool man. If I remember my old high school D&D days, long gray beards were for #%$# and wizards. We all know they are one and the same. Look at Gandolf the Gray-he needs to shut his yap. I'm tired of hearing what he has to say.

Did anyone see my Tweet about getting a hot dog? That hot dog was cool, but it was hot. If it has been cool, it would not have tasted good, and I put hot sauce on it so it wouldn't be cool. That hot dog was awesome unlike that *^%*&^ Thomas Jefferson. If Thomas Jefferson were here now, I would kick him right in his pantaloons. Oh Charlie Sheen, how I hate Thomas Jefferson. I'm amazed the studio didn't cancel his Presidency. He didn't make people laugh which is why his Presidency *^#$&. I need more money to dig Thomas Jefferson up and kick the deading lights out of him. He has a stupid face. I also need money for more hot dogs. Hot dogs are cool and so are nachos. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I live with 2 goddesses and my twins who are Barbie and Ken dolls. Get it? Of course you can't, but I know you get it even though you can't. Man, I am feeling good because I am high on Charlie Sheen. I think my 2 goddesses have names, but I'm not sure nor do I care. They shall be known by the names, Charlie Sheen 2 and 3 because Charlie Sheen is a good name for a goddess. I wonder if they do magic tricks. They already make my money disappear, but that is okay because I don't need money. I pay for everything with Charlie Sheen because I'm a winner. Money is so beneath me since it is such a celestrial concept that I can't grasp it nor do I care to grasp it. Man, I don't even want money nor do I need money. I need at least 320 million dollars. Bills don't pay themselves. Drugs don't buy themselves either. It isn't like I take drugs, but I do buy them. I'm honest and wouldn't cheat a drug dealer who is selling me drugs I don't take.

I always tell the truth, man. I sometimes lie and I'm being honest about that because I tell the truth all the time. John Stamos can #$%$# it. He can't replace me. I can barely replace me. I make the show, Two and a Half Man. I even suggested they rename the show, One Man, One Mooching Crybaby and One kid. Pretzels are good dude. My costars need to grow some and eat pretzels.

I think I am going to hunt and tear the heart out of a zebra because the tiger blood in me is telling me to eat a zebra. I have no control over this tiger blood, man. It is crazy, but it makes me sane. I'm going to the zoo so I can pick a fight with another tiger at the zoo so I can be the dominant tiger.

99% of songs are written about me. The other 1% are written about #%$#% that don't concern me. They need to shut up.....NOW. KNEEL BEFORE SHEEN-not that stupid Zod character on Superman. I can beat the #%## out of Superman and Zod at the same time man. That is my Adonis DNA that allows me to do that. Superman is a #$%# just like Jefferson. Sheen, I hate Jefferson. I hate Washington too. I have never understood why the country has so much respect for a man who washes clothes. What a loser! Washington was cool though. What was I talking about.....oh yeah, Nixon. He had a long nose and would not have made a good sitcom actor. I bet he never lived with a goddess let alone goddesses.

The guy and me at the hot dog shop were discussing the situation in Liberia, and we agreed that something needs to be done and that Thomas Jefferson was a #%$# who was the sole person responsible for all the horrors we face now. Why did he plant killer tomatoes anyway? Stupid Jefferson. Benjamin Franklin was cool because he invented lightning, and stormed into people showers with a wrench and tells them to call a plumber. In fact, Franklin is a plumber. He is still alive. I know this because he was on a episode of The Office, which is a lousy show because it does not star Charlie Sheen. That Charlie Sheen is one talented dude. I'd love to meet him someday!!!

Franklin must be like me because he appears to be immortal. The movie Highlander was loosly based on my life, but the movie *_#*# because it didn't star Charlie Sheen. I'm not a fan of Bach either. He had the DNA of a fruitfly--a stupid fruitfly. They are almost as bad as anteaters. Sheen, I hate anteaters!

I think Thomas Jefferson was secretly an anteater. It was a conspiracy among the anteaters to infiltrate the government and steal our ants. I wonder if he drove one of those #%$$ hybrid cars. It sounds like something Jefferson would do.

Man, you are the only person I envy. I think it would be great to be a dog if I could be Demon Flash Bandit. Of course, being a dog might cause some problems with my tiger cat blood.

Long story short. I just wrote to say hi. I don't really have anything to say.

Love, Charlie Sheen

As you can see, we are close pals even though I have no idea what he is saying most of the time, but that is okay because I doubt if he knows what he is saying either.

Demon Flash Bandit (Sharing Letters from my Celebrity Friends)

Demon Flash Bandit---Real Dog

If you attended the Toy Fair 2011, you might have run across Perfect Petzzz. These are dogs that look real and even breathe, but they are fake. This dog is annoyed that they are referred to as "perfect pets" If you ask this dog, this company is insulting dogs everywhere by calling fake dogs "perfect". Do these fake dogs have "accidents" in the house? Do they need to be walked? Do they need a doggy door? Do you have to let them go outside to "do their business"? Do they decorate the house with muddy paw prints? Do they bark when an intruder approaches your house? I could go on and on, but you get the idea. I think it is about time we dogs build a "perfect human", you know--one with a working brain. What is the point of a fake dog anyway? That dog won't jump around excitedly when you come home after being gone. A fake dog won't kiss you or clean the floor when you drop food. A fake dog won't keep you company when you are feeling depressed. A fake dog won't ride in the car with you with his head out the window. No self respecting dog has ever asked for a fake human because we know that fake humans are usually mannequins. Only dogs could build a fake human with a brain, and we aren't going to bother because it is a waste of our valuable nap time. I want to assure my readers that this blog is being written by an actual dog--not a fake dog. A fake dog would never be able to write a blog. Personally, I think this is a conspiracy among members of the royal family who have bribed a toy company to produce an exact replica of me to attend the royal wedding. I don't see the point because there is no way a fake dog at the royal wedding can pass as me. When the paparazzi notice that the dog isn't doing anything other than breathing, they are going to realize that the dog is a fake. In fact, what if it turns out to be an evil robot dog? It can happen. In the movie Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, they had to deal with robots of themselves who they referred to as Evil Robot Us-es. Don't worry, Bo Obama is going to make sure there are some special secret service agents at the wedding just so they can make sure that an Evil Robot Demon Flash Bandit doesn't cause any mayhem. Only the real me is allowed to create mayhem.

Demon Flash Bandit (Real Dog)

King Sir Demon Flash Bandit

In one of my past entries, I wrote that I won't be attending the royal wedding due to the Queen not including Angel Zoom Smokey and my humans. The Queen Lady got quite upset because I wrote and told her I won't be attending as I had originally planned before she left out my family. This is the letter the Queen Lady sent me and as usual, I want to share it with my loyal readers.

Dear Demon Flash Bandit,
I'm so sorry for the oversight. Believe me, the person in charge of sending out the invitation is in deep trouble. As I told you in past letters, the entire family is looking forward to your attendence. In fact, you were the first on the guest list. I hope you will forgive the mistake, and rest assured that you and your family are all invited to the wedding. Please don't refuse to come because one of my subjects is an idiot.
Your friend, Queen Elizabeth

I do realize that these things do happen, but I still am not happy that she left out President and Mrs. Obama and the first dog, Bo. I have talked to Bo, and he was very upset. Besides, I found out that they serve fruit cake at the wedding, and no self respecting dog (or even human) will eat fruit cake. This is the reply I sent to her.

Dear Queen Lady,
To leave out the United States first dog and then to serve fruit cake at the wedding are two reasons that this dog won't attend. You know that I am a busy dog with lots of invitations, and you have crossed the line. Bo and I were planning to spend some time together, maybe play tug of war, and throw a ball back and forth to each other. It is about time members of the royal family like yourself understand that this dog is doing you a favor gracing you with my presence. As I told you previously, you have been a bad Queen Lady---BAD!!!
Love, Demon Flash Bandit

I wanted to share this information with my readers so the Queen Lady can't say that she didn't have a chance to get me to come to the wedding, but the mix-up with the invitations and then serving fruit cake has made it impossible for me to attend.

Demon Flash Bandit (True Royalty)