This dog happens to have a lot of celebrity friends who correspond with me frequently. One of them that I share letters from often is the Queen Lady (Elizabeth II). Today I will share a letter I received from my pal, Charlie Sheen. I am sharing this letter because I think he needs to be heard. It is a shame that he has been so quiet lately.
Dear Demon Whatever,
How is it going? I know you don't get me and you can't comprehend me, but you are the only one who can even come close to understanding me. You get me, but I know you don't get me, man, but you get me. You got it? I know you get it, or do you? Got it?
You and me are so alike dude because I have stunt doubles and you have Phantom Fast Snowman, your stunt double. My stunt double always wins, and he is always winning. He wins. He is a loser compared to me, but he is a winner by association with me. It is win-win. My stunt double is Zeus because he is the only one that can come close to my winningness and awesomeness, but he is a *&%$& compared to me. He has a long gray beard that is not cool man. If I remember my old high school D&D days, long gray beards were for #%$# and wizards. We all know they are one and the same. Look at Gandolf the Gray-he needs to shut his yap. I'm tired of hearing what he has to say.
Did anyone see my Tweet about getting a hot dog? That hot dog was cool, but it was hot. If it has been cool, it would not have tasted good, and I put hot sauce on it so it wouldn't be cool. That hot dog was awesome unlike that *^%*&^ Thomas Jefferson. If Thomas Jefferson were here now, I would kick him right in his pantaloons. Oh Charlie Sheen, how I hate Thomas Jefferson. I'm amazed the studio didn't cancel his Presidency. He didn't make people laugh which is why his Presidency *^#$&. I need more money to dig Thomas Jefferson up and kick the deading lights out of him. He has a stupid face. I also need money for more hot dogs. Hot dogs are cool and so are nachos. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I live with 2 goddesses and my twins who are Barbie and Ken dolls. Get it? Of course you can't, but I know you get it even though you can't. Man, I am feeling good because I am high on Charlie Sheen. I think my 2 goddesses have names, but I'm not sure nor do I care. They shall be known by the names, Charlie Sheen 2 and 3 because Charlie Sheen is a good name for a goddess. I wonder if they do magic tricks. They already make my money disappear, but that is okay because I don't need money. I pay for everything with Charlie Sheen because I'm a winner. Money is so beneath me since it is such a celestrial concept that I can't grasp it nor do I care to grasp it. Man, I don't even want money nor do I need money. I need at least 320 million dollars. Bills don't pay themselves. Drugs don't buy themselves either. It isn't like I take drugs, but I do buy them. I'm honest and wouldn't cheat a drug dealer who is selling me drugs I don't take.
I always tell the truth, man. I sometimes lie and I'm being honest about that because I tell the truth all the time. John Stamos can #$%$# it. He can't replace me. I can barely replace me. I make the show, Two and a Half Man. I even suggested they rename the show, One Man, One Mooching Crybaby and One kid. Pretzels are good dude. My costars need to grow some and eat pretzels.
I think I am going to hunt and tear the heart out of a zebra because the tiger blood in me is telling me to eat a zebra. I have no control over this tiger blood, man. It is crazy, but it makes me sane. I'm going to the zoo so I can pick a fight with another tiger at the zoo so I can be the dominant tiger.
99% of songs are written about me. The other 1% are written about #%$#% that don't concern me. They need to shut up.....NOW. KNEEL BEFORE SHEEN-not that stupid Zod character on Superman. I can beat the #%## out of Superman and Zod at the same time man. That is my Adonis DNA that allows me to do that. Superman is a #$%# just like Jefferson. Sheen, I hate Jefferson. I hate Washington too. I have never understood why the country has so much respect for a man who washes clothes. What a loser! Washington was cool though. What was I talking about.....oh yeah, Nixon. He had a long nose and would not have made a good sitcom actor. I bet he never lived with a goddess let alone goddesses.
The guy and me at the hot dog shop were discussing the situation in Liberia, and we agreed that something needs to be done and that Thomas Jefferson was a #%$# who was the sole person responsible for all the horrors we face now. Why did he plant killer tomatoes anyway? Stupid Jefferson. Benjamin Franklin was cool because he invented lightning, and stormed into people showers with a wrench and tells them to call a plumber. In fact, Franklin is a plumber. He is still alive. I know this because he was on a episode of The Office, which is a lousy show because it does not star Charlie Sheen. That Charlie Sheen is one talented dude. I'd love to meet him someday!!!
Franklin must be like me because he appears to be immortal. The movie Highlander was loosly based on my life, but the movie *_#*# because it didn't star Charlie Sheen. I'm not a fan of Bach either. He had the DNA of a fruitfly--a stupid fruitfly. They are almost as bad as anteaters. Sheen, I hate anteaters!
I think Thomas Jefferson was secretly an anteater. It was a conspiracy among the anteaters to infiltrate the government and steal our ants. I wonder if he drove one of those #%$$ hybrid cars. It sounds like something Jefferson would do.
Man, you are the only person I envy. I think it would be great to be a dog if I could be Demon Flash Bandit. Of course, being a dog might cause some problems with my tiger cat blood.
Long story short. I just wrote to say hi. I don't really have anything to say.
Love, Charlie Sheen
As you can see, we are close pals even though I have no idea what he is saying most of the time, but that is okay because I doubt if he knows what he is saying either.
Demon Flash Bandit (Sharing Letters from my Celebrity Friends)