Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Garbage Thieves

It has come to my attention that there is a gang of bandits roaming the streets of the world getting all the best garbage before a dog even has a chance to go through it.  This huge band of thieves are called raccoons.  These creatures are excellent foragers, and I suspect that many stray dogs are blamed for their actions.  Sure, they can be cute and cuddly, but you can't always judge an animal by his appearance (this does not count for dogs).  Raccoons even admit that they are thieves because they wear a mask.  If you see one of these creatures who are nocturnal, be sure that you beat him to the good garbage in the neighborhood.  The only way to beat them is to be the first to the garbage.

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Raccoons)

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Jeff's 12 Foot Movie Screen

How does a dog know if he has done a good job training the humans?  There are many signs that point to good human training.  I don't mean to brag, but this is something that I have to brag about because I have done such a pawsome job of human training.  My brother, Jeff, ordered a 12 foot inflatable movie screen that was delivered yesterday.  I overheard him telling Mommy that he can show movies outside and dogs can attend.  It did my heart good to hear that because it lets me know that I have done an outstanding job training my humans.  I started as a puppy, and I have put a lot of time and effort into their training.  I think seeing a movie outdoors makes more sense anyway.  I enjoy being out with the trees, grass, and smells.  If the movie is uninteresting or completely boring (I'm thinking of Gravity here), a dog can always chase a bird or a squirrel around the yard. If the humans start up the barbeque grill, it would make the experience even better! I think this is one of Jeff's greatest ideas ever, and I look forward to seeing movies in the future on the new screen.  It is important for me to see all movies because I do write movie reviews for my blog,  If you want to know if a movie is worth watching, read my review.  The reviews are my opinion, and as such, are never wrong.

Demon Flash Bandit (Movies Should be Shown for Dogs Outdoors)

Monday, April 28, 2014

Real or Fake: Birds are Horrible

My human Mommy does floral arrangements.  For the most part, I approve, but when she brings home a fake bird (in this case a chicken) to put in an arrangement, this dog has to take matters into his own paws and show that fake bird who is boss.  I told Mommy (who is also my secretary) to upload a photo of the bird after I got done with it onto my blog.  Hopefully, it will show up okay, but Mommy is not really much of a computer person.  The only reason she can type reasonably fast is because she took typing when she was young, and when she was young, most of the typewriters weren't even electrical.  Yes, dogs, you could just get on the machine and type without any power source whatsoever except for the energy of the human or dog doing the typing.  The reason I am writing about this subject today is that I want to know why the humans think adding a fake bird will make flowers look better.  I don't think the addition of a bird could ever improve anything.  Since I live in the same house with Mommy, and am constantly lecturing about birds being evil, it seems that Mommy has not really listened to my words of wisdom. Do the humans ever learn anything or they just incapable of intelligent thought?

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Hates Birds--Even Fake Ones)

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Digging for Knowledge

Archaeologists have discovered a major new sight which is going to shed new light on life in ancient times. I'm so glad that some of the humans have dogs who teach them to dig for knowledge,   The dig is in Alamogordo, New Mexico, and a documentary film crew is filming the dig so that we can watch it since it is so important to our knowledge of history.  So far. hundreds of E.T. Atari games have been unearthed at this spot so that the humans will be able to gain more knowledge of the ancient period of the 1980's.  E. T. is the game that is supposed to be so bad that it brought down the kingdom of Atari.  I don't find this hard to believe since E.T. stands for extraterrestrial.   I'm sure that space people have been involved in bringing down Earth kingdoms for centuries.  The kingdom of Atari has been replaced by other kingdoms---Playstation and XBox to name a couple, but life will never be the same in those kingdoms as it was in the kingdom of Atari.  Mommy, as pathetic as she is living in the new kingdoms could live happily in the kingdom of Atari.  It was a simpler time and place.  Now the new kingdoms are complicated and this dog does not visit them.  Why should I?  They aren't dog friendly anyway.  If there are any new discoveries from this dig, I will let my readers know.

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Ancient History)

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Wooden Bird

Many years ago, there was a major war between dogs and birds.  This is the time that even the cats joined with the dogs in the fight.  The battles were intense, and the world was on edge. The birds were in a heavily fortified nest.   Would birds take over and annihilate the humans or would the dogs be able to save their bi-ped friends?  I won't lie to did not look good.  Then one of the dogs had a brilliant idea.  His idea was to make a bird from wood that would be big enough to fit a bunch of dogs and cats inside so that they could get to the birds.  You might wonder how the birds would react to such a big bird, but they were big watchers of Sesame Street so they had seen Big Bird many times and thought it was one of Big Bird's relatives.  Therefore, they brought the wooden bird into the nest.  Once the dogs and cats got to the birds, they won the war and the humans were safe.  However, we dogs must be constantly vigilant with the birds.  They are still trying to take over the world.

Demon Flash Bandit (Story of Wooden Bird)  

Thursday, April 24, 2014

"Working" for Treats is WRONG

Some of the human behavior which us dogs observe can  is based on "double standards"  This is when the humans expect better behavior from surroundings than from oneself.  When the humans do this to each other, I don't become overly concerned about it because the humans are such a mess, we dogs can't solve all their problems.  However, there is one double standard involving humans and dogs that makes me very angry.  What is that behavior?  It is the humans crazy idea that a dog should have to walk over and even do work to get a treat.  The humans even show off their dog to other humans.....look how smart Fido is....he can sit, roll over, etc.  Of course Fido is smart---Fido is a DOG.  However, if the humans had to take intelligence tests in order to get food, most of them would be starving.  Treats should not require work just from the very definition of the word.  Treat does not mean something you have to work to get.  Even when the dog isn't expected to "work" for the treat, the humans still expect a dog to walk over to them to get it.  This is ridiculous thinking.  When a dog has had a full day of napping, he or she does not want to walk over to get a treat from the humans.  The humans should bring said treat to him.  It isn't like the humans aren't lazy.  I'm sure I'm not the only dog who has noticed that they can't even get up and change a television channel themselves.  They have to have a "remote" that does it for them.  This brings me to my final point.  I guess a dog is going have to invent a remote that dispenses dog treats because the humans probably won't ever get it done.  Please paws are getting tired!

Demon Flash Bandit (Needs Treat Remote)

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Pegasus: Horse or Bird?

I like horses.  They are the world's biggest dogs--even larger than the Great Dane!  They use all four paws to walk just like us dogs not like the silly humans who think that they only need their back paws for walking properly.  They neigh instead of bark, but their language isn't that hard to learn.  It is a cross between ancient dog language and snorts.  Now that I have let you know my feelings toward horses, I must remind you of my attitude toward birds.  Birds are those evil little winged varmints that fly around annoying us dogs (and sensible humans).  This brings me to the subject of today's blog: Pegasus.  Why am I writing about Pegasus?  Why shouldn't I write about Pegasus?

There have been references to Pegasuses for decades. "Peggy" is first mentioned in Greek mythology.  Pegasus was the horse Zeus flew in on.  The horseport where he landed is shrouded in mystery due to all the decades since it happened; but suffice it to say, that I'm sure Zeus was going somewhere fun.  I'm guessing he was always trying to get away from his nagging wife, Hera, and what better way than on an animal that can fly?  Hera would tell him to take out the garbage, and he would jump on Pegasus and get out of there.  I guess men haven't really changed that much since ancient times. I have made the observation that most of them try to get out of housework.  Being a guy myself, this seems like a sensible thing to do.  I'm not going to stay home and clean--Angel Zoom Smokey can do that!  

This brings me to the conclusion of my blog.  Are Pegauses good like horses?  On the other paw, since they have wings, are they some sort of evil bird?  I will continue to research this subject and I will write a thesis on it when I get my PhD/  

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Ponders Pegasuses)

Monday, April 21, 2014

There Should be no Claw Salon in MY Back Yard!!!!!

The things going on in my back yard are outrageous!  Now that the snow has melted and that stupid spring season has begun (against my wishes), the O'Awesomes have set up a new store in my yard.  Yes, MY YARD!!   The O'Awesomes are a family of opossums that moved in last year, and clearly ignored my eviction notice.  If ignoring my eviction notice was not bad enough, they decided to run a
business.  If it were something I could overlook with products I like-perhaps maybe a dingo bone shop in which I get a discount, I might overlook it.  However, it is not a useful product.  What are they selling in their shop?  It isn't actually a product.  They have set up one of those claw salons that are so popular with the humans these days.  Therefore, in addition to the opossums hanging around, we now have mice, beavers. and squirrels hanging around my yard waiting to get their claws painted.  The last straw came when they started advertising their services, and Angel Zoom Smokey got a coupon in the  mail.  I've never seen her so mad.  She said she won't let the humans paint her claws, and she certainly isn't going to allow the opossums to do it.  The real problem is that, if you get the proper authorities to check on the business, the opossums act like they are dead and get out of trouble.  Why don't they just get toxic paint and paint only birds?  I could understand that thinking.  By the way, I'm sure that their original name was O"Awful and they changed it to O'Awesome.

Demon Flash Bandit (Trying to Evict the O'Awesomes)

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Movie Review: Muppets Most Wanted

This movie finds our pals, the Muppets, led by Kermit the Frog in more trouble than usual.  While Kermit is busily trying to keep everything together for a tour, an evil look alike frog named Constantine has escaped from maximum security.  If you think maybe he might try to impersonate Kermit, I guess that would be a good plot line,  but I can't divulge that information.  I think it is classified top secret, and I don't want to get into any trouble with the CIA--Cats in Action.  I know we dogs are better, but I think it is just too much trouble to put them into their place.  I give this movie 4 paws up and a tail wag which is about a 7 out of 10 on the human movie scale.  The rating would be higher if the humans are children.  This movie did leave me with one recurring thought--are frog's legs tasty, and I could use some bacon (thanks Miss Piggy for that).

Happy Easter everyone!

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Critic)

Saturday, April 19, 2014

I Don't Eat Vegetables!

Mommy bought a food item so I was checking the ingredients to make sure it is okay for human consumption.  Some things are only good for dogs to eat.  Imagine how mad I got when I saw that one of the ingredients is something that does not exist.  It lists rutabaga as an ingredient.  I've never seen or heard of a "rutabaga" so I sat down and wrote the company that makes the item, and told them that they will be hearing from my lawyer because of their false advertising.  I'm sure they will try to cover their tails by saying it is a "vegetable", because that is what all the humans do.  If an item is disgusting and inedible, it is a vegetable.  This is why I don't eat them.

Tomorrow is Easter and I hope that all my readers have a wonderful Easter holiday!

Demon Flash Bandit (Rutabaga-A Made Up Item)

Friday, April 18, 2014

Dog Treat Review: A Pawfect Dog Bakery

I placed an order recently with A Pawfect Dog.  This is a bakery that specializes in dog treats.  I advertise them on my blog, but I do not charge them for the ad, and I paid for the order so you know that I am not just writing this to get something for myself.  What I say is the dog's honest truth.  I ordered some peanut butter sandwich bones, and they were wonderful.  They are large bones with peanut butter in the middle-kind of like a doggy Oreo.  You can eat them altogether or you can open it up and lick the peanut better just like the humans do with the Oreo cookies.  I got a pound of the apple nut bones, and a pound of the bacon ones.  They were both delicious, and I don't think there is a dog who wouldn't enjoy these treats.  They cost more than treats in the store, but they are made with lots of love.  Besides, I'm worth the money.LOL

Demon Flash Bandit (Loves A Pawfect Dog Bakery)

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

No Dog Drivers for Nascar

It is official.  Thanks to the wonderful snow we had a couple of days ago, the areas of Detroit and Flint, Michigan have received a record amount of snow fall this year.  Angel Zoom Smokey and myself are each sending Mother Nature a thank you card for her good work this year.  My humans are still complaining about it!  There is just no pleasing the humans.

As my regular readers are aware, I occasionally like to ponder important subjects that the humans never seem to even notice.  Today I want to know why there are no Nascar drivers who are dogs.  I know the humans don't let us have driver's licenses, but it isn't like the same rules apply to Nascar.  It isn't like you have a police officer sitting to the side of the track giving out speeding tickets.  Normally, this would bother me, and I would go on one of my usual barking rants about it being discrimination against dogs.  However, I don't find watching car races particularly interesting.  However, if there is a track with a cliff, Toonses the driving cat from the old Saturday Night Live skits is interested.

Demon Flash Bandit (Nascar)

Sunday, April 13, 2014

My Latest Great Idea!

I have decided to give my permission for all the humans who owe taxes in the United States to send their checks to me, Demon Flash Bandit.  I can assure you that I will make better use of the money than the govt. because I will use it to buy dingo bones, milkbones, and dog toys.  If the govt. used their money for sensible stuff like that, then I'm sure the humans wouldn't mind paying taxes so much.  I do have to tell you that the govt. has not approved of my plan, and they might get a little mad, but I will be enjoying some tasty bones so I win.  The humans who run the govt. never seem that happy anyway so I don't think we will notice the difference in their moods.

Demon Flash Bandit (Idea Dog)

Friday, April 11, 2014

I Found Big Foot!

My latest adventure was interesting.  I finally located Big Foot for which some of the humans have been searching.  It was easy.  I had been telling the humans how to do it for years.  I contacted the shoe manufacturers to see who ordered the biggest shoes.  Once I got that information, it was easy to find Big Foot.  I just looked for the creature who ordered the biggest shoes.  By the way, I'm not going to publish anything about Big Foot because he is shy and doesn't want the humans bugging him.  I understand where he is coming from so the search for Big Foot can be stopped.  Let the dude have some peace and quiet which is what he really wants.  That is why he avoids cities.  If anyone wants any information on him, contact me, Demon Flash Bandit.

Demon Flash Bandit (Successful Finder of Big Foot)

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Potato Family Needs Potato Dog!

The toy, Mr. Potato Head, has been around for many years.  There is even a Mrs Potato Head.  I want to know why there is no Potato Dog.  How do you expect a potato family to thrive or even survive without a potato dog?  Humans without dogs are a pathetic lot.  You go by their houses and their yard looks plain--just grass and flowers, and no wonderful holes.  I know you might say, can't they hire some landscapers to give the yard that "dog lives there" look?  Human landscapers just aren't capable of providing such amenities.  Besides, dogs also add that special "artwork" to a yard, and we keep the plants watered for the humans.  It is time for us dogs to start a letter writing campaign to the toy company that makes the Potatoes, and let them know that they need to add a potato dog.  They have a Darth Potato, Spider potato, etc. so adding a dog potato should not be that difficult.  I think all companies should have at least one dog on their board of directors so that these kinds of mistakes won't happen in the future!

Demon Flash Bandit (Wants a Potato Dog)

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Some Humans Do Listen to Their Dogs

Mommy and I were watching an episode of Duck Dynasty, and I want to let you know that some humans do show an amazing amount of intelligence.  In the episode, Miss Kay wanted a new couch.  The first one she bought was too big to fit through the door, and she had to go back and get another one.  After much shopping (which was not enjoyed by the males in the family), she picked another couch.  When they got it home, she decided that it didn't look that good, and she preferred the one that was already there.  She explained that the dogs had not chosen to sit on it because they were happy on the old couch.  Phil told the sons that if the dogs didn't like it, it had to go.  That has to be one of the most intelligent decisions I have ever seen the humans make.  Plus, I'm sure the humans on that show would understand that birds need to die.  I'm sure they have served bird for dinner more than once.  This is why that show has my approval.

Demon Flash Bandit (Approves of Television Show, Duck Dynasty)                          

Monday, April 7, 2014

Good Human Hobby: Skeet Shooting

One of the humans we know has a hobby that involves shooting skeets.  He goes to various places and shoots the skeets when they fly by.  I am not sure what kind of bird a skeet is, but I approve of his hobby.  I think all the humans should start shooting skeets, and then work their way up to other birds.  It does a dog's heart good to know that some of the humans are listening to the wisdom of their dogs and going after birds.  If your human doesn't have a hobby, encourage that human to start shooting at skeets.  You won't be sorry!

Demon Flash Bandit (Skeet Shooting Good Hobby)

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Angel Zoom Smokey: Chicken Detective

Angel Zoom Smokey has decided on a new career.  She told me that she is going to be a chicken detective.  I had never heard of a chicken detective before this, but it is a career that she thought up on her own.  I guess this gives her a competitive advantage over future chicken detectives.  I did have to ask her more about it since detectives are usually following people or animals for a reason.  There aren't too many wanted posters that feature chickens so I was a bit curious about how she planned to make a living from this new career.  I have to admit that she has given this new business a lot of thought, and I think she might be on the right track.  She plans to follow chickens around  because she likes to eat chickens, and it is her main food source.  Therefore, she has dinner covered for the rest of her life.  However, I had to ask her how she planned to come up with money for treats like dingo bones and milk bones.  She said that is why her plan works so well.  She was watching Jersey Shore with Mommy and also Snooki and JWoww, and she said that if those uninteresting humans have people watching them, then the humans would be far more entertained by the Angel Zoom Smokey:  Chicken Detective show.  I've got to admit that I've slept through some of those episodes so I think she is onto something.  Those humans are boring...gym, tanning, laundry.... and then going out to get drunk to the point of not remembering who you are does not sound like fun activities.  Of course, I am a dog. and we live more interesting lives.  If nothing fun is going on around us, we take a nap and dream we are having fun!

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Angel Zoom Smokey's New Career)

Friday, April 4, 2014

Movie Review: Captain America: Winter Soldier

I was so excited to see the movie, Captain America:Winter Soldier,that I was in the theater preview on Thursday, April 3. Being a Siberian husky, I love winter. I love the ice, snow and cold that goes with the season.,  I thought this movie would be one of those blockbuster movies that would be up for a best picture Oscar.  Imagine my extreme disappointment when the movie featured nothing involving snow, no ice, not even an icicle hanging from the eave of a house.  This movie is based on a Marvel comic book character, Captain America.  Superman has Krypto so you would think that Captain America would have a dog named Captain Dog.  Despite those disappointments, it was a good movie.  I give it 4 paws up, and a tail wag.  In human movie ratings, that would be an 8 out of 10.  Obviously, in this dog's opinion, I would have given it a higher rating if the movie involved snow and dogs.

Demon Flash Bandit

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Fleas: I Don't Think They are Innocent

A cemetery of humans who were buried who died of the bubonic plague many centuries ago in England are being studied by scientists who are finding new information about how the disease was spread.  As most dogs can tell you, it was spread by fleas on rats.  Now the scientists say that it was not spread by fleas.  To have spread so quickly, it would have had to be airborne.  I can tell you that there were no dog scientists involved in this study because no dog would let the fleas off the hook for their part in the plague.  I don't care if it was their fault or not.  They are fleas, and the more the humans hate them, the better it is for us dogs.  If fleas get by without blame on the bubonic plague, the humans might start feeling bad that they have an unearned bad reputation, and instead of capital punishment, they might send the fleas into rehab or a mental hospital for trauma to their emotional state due to centuries of being misunderstood.  If the fleas get a free pass, the humans will never believe birds are evil because this dog has been standing up against birds since I was a puppy.  Even cats are mad about the possible vindication of fleas because they have spent centuries killing mice and rats for the humans.  The humans have rewarded them by allowing them to be household pets.  If mice and rats are no longer feared due to their fleas, what job will cats have to do?  They enjoy their jobs too--just ask any cat.  I have myself recently caught a mouse, and it made me very happy.  Besides, as silly as the humans are, they might even put the mice and rats on the "endangered species" list and then cats won't be allowed to go after them anymore.  Wouldn't that be a horrible trauma for a cat?  I also think that the fleas on mice and rats can cause other diseases so I'm hoping that the scientists will point that out before the humans get all mouse crazy and make them pets.  If you want accurate research, there should always be a least one scientist who is a dog on every team!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Hates Fleas)