I Didn't Attend the Royal Wedding

Since I chose not to attend the royal wedding, I also chose not to watch it. I do have a letter to share with you from the Queen Lady regarding my lack of attendance.

Dear Demon Flash Bandit,
The royal wedding of my grandson yesterday went well, but it would have been so much better if you had attended. We never realized that when we didn't invite Bo Obama, first dog, that you would take offense and not attend. We were so looking forward to you because, as you know, you were our most important guest. The media was very upset when they asked where you would be sitting, and we had to tell them that you had declined our invitation. I have to admit that I didn't expect you to decline the invitation since most people will not turn down a royal invitation, but we failed to take into consideration you would stand by your fellow dog, Bo. I do hope that we can continue to be friends because being your friend means a lot to me and my family.
Love, Queen Lady Elizabeth

For those who want to know what I replied, I am going to include my reply.

Dear Queen Lady,
I do appreciate the wedding invitation, and I am glad that it went well. I would have attended had you included Bo Obama, but when you omit the first dog, then as a patriotic American dog, I cannot in good conscience attend the event. I understand that the wedding would have been a lot better had I been there, but this is something you should have realized before you omitted Bo Obama.

Actually, I'm surprised the royal family has even managed to survive all these years what with all the inbreeding in past generations. Some people in the United States do that, but they usually don't get the opportunity to run the country. Sure, sometimes they are allowed to run a fast food franchise or a gas station, but seldom the entire country. Judging from the success of recent royal marriages, it even takes the "fairy tale" out of the equation since, in fairy tales, the couple lives happily ever after--not divorced. I will admit that I never realized what a rich country Britain happens to be until I saw how much money your family has to live on. I have to tell you that you wouldn't like the welfare system here in the United States because the tax payers won't allow a family to draw so much money from the government. Kudos to your welfare system there.
Don't worry about us being friends. I'm glad that you understood why I could not attend the royal wedding, and I do hope the couple will be very happy together. Happiness doesn't seem to be too prevalent in your family which is very sad.
Love, Demon Flash Bandit

Pool Playing Dog

Many of my readers are familiar with the painting, "dogs playing poker" because it is the most famous painting in history. All the art museums want to include it in their collections. Today I am going to share the link to a video which reminds me of that painting except it is a real dog. The dog is playing pool, and is quite talented at the game. The link is:
http://pettube.com/The%20hustler .

If the royal family had not slighted the first dog, Bo Obama, I would be attending the royal wedding tomorrow. Since I am not going, don't expect it to be too big an event. The humans aren't talented at making an event enjoyable and depend on us dogs to make it fun.

On a personal note, I would like to ask my readers to pray for the people in Ringgold, Georgia because part of the town was devastated by tornadoes. Mommy has relatives and friends there, and would appreciate the prayers of my readers for those people.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dogs Do Everything Better than Humans)

Show Biz Dogs--Porthos and Me

Today I am going to share an interview with a famous actor from the television show, Star Trek Enterprise. This is the first interview that this actor has ever given--his name is Prada and he played Captain Archer's dog, Porthos. The web address is: http://www.startrek.com/article/porthos-had-it-ruff-on-enterprise Porthos was the most important character on Star Trek Enterprise, and I'm not just saying that because I'm also a dog. For those of you who have checked out the Legoland royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, you probably noticed that I am in the front roll seat, but it is inaccurate. That is where I would sit if I were attending, but as my regular readers already know, I refused the invitation when Bo Obama and his humans were excluded from the guest list. I think the nice folks at Lego are just hoping I will change my mind, but I won't. We Siberian huskies are known to be stubborn dogs when we make up our minds about something. I have an exciting announcement to make. I got a personal call from Keanu Reeves asking me to play his dog in the upcoming sequel, Bill and Ted 3. I am very honored to be asked because I thought both movies were excellent. (What else could they be--they were excellent adventures--it says so in the title?) I am thinking it over. I will have to read the script and make sure that I would be paid enough for all that work. Personally, I prefer scripts where I nap while the humans are around me. Napping happens to be a hobby of mine. Anyway, I will let you know more when I find out more myself. I have a feeling that the studio will be too cheap to pay me the millions I require for showing up. I think I should get more money than Charlie Sheen because I'm not insane. Demon Flash Bandit (Show Biz Dog)

Charlie Sheen: He is No Deputy Dawg!

I hope my readers enjoyed the letter I received from Charlie Sheen and that I shared on my blog yesterday. I have received 2 more letters from him since yesterday, but I'm not going to share them today. They weren't nearly as coherent as the letter I shared yesterday. This will come as a great surprise to my readers, but Charlie Sheen actually sounded crazy with the last two letters. Yeah, I know that is shocking, but it is true. I might add that he is planning a trip to Haiti with Sean Penn. Haven't those people in Haiti suffered enough?

I got a telephone call last night from the Queen Lady begging me to attend the royal wedding, but I had to remind her that she did not ask Bo Obama, first dog. It is about time the Queen Lady learned that there are consequences for actions.

I am very excited today because I am going to have company later today. Deputy Dawg is coming to visit me!!! I have been asking him to come for a long time, but he has been having problems getting away due to those varmints he has to keep in line. Muskie and Vince can be a real pawful for Deputy Dawg. The Sheriff is going to take over for a couple of days so Deputy Dawg can have a couple of days off so he is going to come and spend that time with me. I had better go now because I've got a lot to do before my celebrity guest arrives. I wonder if Charlie Sheen realizes that he doesn't have the star status of Deputy Dawg--few humans possess such charisma!

Demon Flash Bandit (Excited to See Deputy Dawg!)

Demon Flash Bandit---Real Dog

If you attended the Toy Fair 2011, you might have run across Perfect Petzzz. These are dogs that look real and even breathe, but they are fake. This dog is annoyed that they are referred to as "perfect pets" If you ask this dog, this company is insulting dogs everywhere by calling fake dogs "perfect". Do these fake dogs have "accidents" in the house? Do they need to be walked? Do they need a doggy door? Do you have to let them go outside to "do their business"? Do they decorate the house with muddy paw prints? Do they bark when an intruder approaches your house? I could go on and on, but you get the idea. I think it is about time we dogs build a "perfect human", you know--one with a working brain. What is the point of a fake dog anyway? That dog won't jump around excitedly when you come home after being gone. A fake dog won't kiss you or clean the floor when you drop food. A fake dog won't keep you company when you are feeling depressed. A fake dog won't ride in the car with you with his head out the window. No self respecting dog has ever asked for a fake human because we know that fake humans are usually mannequins. Only dogs could build a fake human with a brain, and we aren't going to bother because it is a waste of our valuable nap time. I want to assure my readers that this blog is being written by an actual dog--not a fake dog. A fake dog would never be able to write a blog. Personally, I think this is a conspiracy among members of the royal family who have bribed a toy company to produce an exact replica of me to attend the royal wedding. I don't see the point because there is no way a fake dog at the royal wedding can pass as me. When the paparazzi notice that the dog isn't doing anything other than breathing, they are going to realize that the dog is a fake. In fact, what if it turns out to be an evil robot dog? It can happen. In the movie Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, they had to deal with robots of themselves who they referred to as Evil Robot Us-es. Don't worry, Bo Obama is going to make sure there are some special secret service agents at the wedding just so they can make sure that an Evil Robot Demon Flash Bandit doesn't cause any mayhem. Only the real me is allowed to create mayhem.

Demon Flash Bandit (Real Dog)

Star Trek: The Avian Factor

I just watched a video which shows my warnings about bird takeover are real. The video is a clip in which the crew of the Starship Enterprise (Next Generation) have become addicted to a video game called Angry Birds. It is called "The Avian Factor". This addiction is an attempt by aliens to take over Star Fleet. The video can be viewed at http://www.urlesque.com/ . I hope that people will begin to listen to my many warnings about the birds and their plans for world domination. I'm sure that, once the aliens have conquered Star Fleet, the birds will then go after the aliens that are "helping" them now. Birds cannot be trusted!



According to the Internet news, the royal wedding invitations have been mailed. I think being the Queen does have its advantages. The invitation says "The Lord Chamberlain is commanded by the Queen to invite....... The Queen Lady has almost as much power as a dog. I know I often command my humans to do things which they do because I told them to. I already know that I am invited since the Queen Lady and I are such close pals. However, I do think it was unwise not to invite the Obamas and Bo, the first dog. I'm sure the Obamas are okay with not going, but I think the Queen should realize that leaving out a very powerful leader of a country with which her country is a friend could have some serious repercussions with the citizens of that country. Sure, I'm happy she invited me, but if I had known she was leaving out our President, I doubt that I would have accepted the invitation. Since I have already given my word that I will be there and I'm a dog of honor, I will still go. However, you can be sure the Queen Lady will be getting a "barking at" when I get there.



Demon Flash Bandit (Birds Are Evil)

My Opinion of Taxes

There have been numerous articles about income tax on the Internet news, and I have decided to bark about the subject today. I want to go on record stating that I have no idea why the United States government doesn't allow a dog to be a deduction on the humans taxes as long as the humans can prove they spent the money on their dog. There are legitimate deductions for dogs (for example, some dogs who provide "certain services"). Since I'm not an expert on that subject, I would suggest that the human who wants to get that deduction check and make sure that it is legitimate for their situation. Most of us dogs don't worry about income tax since our humans take care of us, and they are going to feed us and watch out for us no matter whether we are deductible or not. However, it has come to my attention that the system is not fair for working dogs like myself. I write a blog everyday, and I make no money from the blog. However, I do not qualify for an earned income credit which is available to the working humans who don't make enough money on their jobs to pay taxes. Since I'm not deductible on my humans taxes, isn't it only fair that I should be getting something for my work? I discussed this with Mommy who didn't seem to think it was unfair at all, but I disagree. She is looking at it from the human standpoint, and I think she is being prejudiced. Sure, she pays for my stuff, but this dog would like to have his own money. There are times when the humans get cheap and don't buy a dog everything he would like to have. Unlike the humans, if I made a gazillion dollars, I would not mind paying taxes. We dogs know that there is only so much money one can spend in a lifetime. I am seriously considering another run for the Presidency so that I can right this injustice to dogs. I might add that I have no idea how Mr. Obama feels about this matter, but Bo is in complete agreement with me. I've found that the First Dog is a very intelligent dog, and I'm glad he is one of my pals.

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Taxes)

You Are Welcome

I am going to share one of the "headlines" on msn.com news today. It says, birds in trouble? You bet. Here's why: The reason is because of me, Demon Flash Bandit. Of course, that isn't what they put in the article, but all of us know who is responsible for the public service. I have been alerting all dogs and all the humans who will listen to reason that birds are plotting to take over the world. Those birds thought they could get by with stealing my snow and singing about it, but they were wrong. This dog is fluent in bird, and I know what they are saying. I proceeded to warn others, and an army of dogs is watching for birds. I'm still talking with Bo Obama, who is trying to get the United States to declare war on the little feathered varmints. Even the first dog has trouble getting the humans to listen! Now, in addition to the dead birds in Arkansas and Louisiana, there are dead birds in Kentucky and Sweden. Vietnam has 150 tons of red tipala dead and Britain has lost 40,000 crabs (which is probably a good thing since no one enjoys being around grouches). There is also a paralysis virus affecting crickets. This is affecting the pet supply industry since most of these crickets are sold to pet supply places to feed snakes. It seems to me that a paralysis virus would be a good thing. If the cricket is paralyzed, it would make it harder for him to hop away from the dinner plate. One in six bird species is in danger of extinction. Yes, I have done my job well. My snow will be safe! By the way, I know how much everyone appreciates my work and my response would be to tell everyone: you are welcome!

Demon Flash Bandit (Not a Fan of Birds)

My Solution to All Economic Problems

I hope everyone had a nice New Year's Day. My humans had Arbys chicken sandwiches. Yeah, they really know how to live it up. Then I found out how to solve all financial problems and make sure that everyone in the world is prosperous. I overheard my Mommy telling my human brother Jeff that when she was growing up, her Mother always had ham on New Year's Day. Why did they have ham? Because if you eat ham on New Year's Day, you will live high off the hog all year. If you eat chicken, you will be scratching for a living. This made me wonder about my humans because they ate chicken sandwiches, but they were cordon bleu so that means they were chicken with ham. Do they cancel each other out and make it a moderately successful new year or do you count one or the other? You would think that, with this kind of knowledge available to Mommy, that she would not have taken such stupid chances with dinner yesterday. She also said that black eyed peas are supposed to be served for good luck. Of course, the humans didn't eat them either. I am not quite sure how peas who were unlucky enough to be given a black eye can be lucky, but perhaps even if they aren't lucky themselves, they have the power to give good luck to humans. Personally, I think eating Burger King on New Year's Day means that you will be living royally all year. Guess who had Burger King yesterday? Yes, it was me. I do love Burger King. This means that I will be King for the rest of the year. This dog does not take chances with ancient superstitions.



With the world economy not doing well, it would have been nice if I had known these dinner facts in advance. I could have told everyone to eat ham yesterday, and everyone would have had a prosperous new year. I called Bo Obama today to let him know how simple the solution to everybody's economic problems happens to be. I hope next year, we can make sure everyone has ham for dinner except for us dogs--we can eat Burger King.



Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing a Solution to World Economic Problems)

Fruits and Vegetables: Innocent Victims

As a dog who feels the need to keep the public informed on important issues, today's subject is one that I feel particularly honored to share with my readers. This is a subject that has been ignored by the mainstream media, and I want my readers to remember--you read it here first by ace reporter, Demon Flash Bandit. I would like to thank Oliver Orange for being my informant on this blog. Oliver is being protected in the Witness Protection Program so I can mention his name and give him credit for his contribution.

One day I met Oliver, and Oliver was very upset. I asked him what happened to upset him so much, and it seems that Oliver's entire family had been robbed. Oliver wasn't a rich orange so I wondered why thieves would pick on him or his family. It was the Vitamin thieves. Yes, you read correctly--there are humans out there who go around stealing vitamins from innocent fruits and vegetables. In the case of Oliver, they were after the vitamin C the family had made for themselves. Now his relatives are walking around like mere shadows of their former selves. They are afraid to go off the tree at night. They are afraid to enjoy their orchard for fear of another theft. The plight of Oliver's family is not an isolated incident. There are vitamin thieves preying on fruit and vegetables everywhere. Recently I interviewed Ben Banana, and he had thieves steal both potassium and vitamin B from him. When he reported it to the police, they filled out a report, and told him that they would probably never find the culprits. I think this vitamin crime spree has gone on long enough and someone needs to form a special branch of the police to go after these villains. I've even got a name for them: Vitaroopers-short for vitamin troopers. I have written Bo Obama, first dog with this plan. I'm sure Obama will understand its importance and act on it quickly.

Demon Flash Bandit (Reporter)

More Brilliant Ideas From the Mind of Demon Flash Bandit

I hope you enjoyed the letter I received from the Queen of England in yesterday's blog. I do hope that the Queen can find the time to make it here to mow for me. I was very honored that she offered me the position of professor of agriculture at Cambridge. I will have to decline the offer because it rains a lot there, and I don't want to have to smell wet humans. All us dogs know that rain is Mother Nature's way of giving a dog a shower. I know Great Britain is a nice country, but I prefer a country that has less rain and more snow.



I got to thinking that if the Queen could use some extra money, the Pope could probably use some extra money too. After all, the church actually passes around a collection plate because they need money so much. Very much like the guy on the street who plays the guitar for extra cash, I have to assume that is why the church has the music and everything--it is the entertainment that they ask the humans to pay for. I'm not sure if I am supposed to refer to him as Mr. Pope or His Popeness, but if you are reading this, Mr. Pope, I have a business plan all set up for you. If it takes off, you might need to hire some people, but you can start it on your own. It is a septic tank cleaning business. Before you know it, you might not need those collection plates anymore, and you won't have to depend on the generosity of others. By the way, I'm also thinking of an edition of collector collection plates....I think I am the first to think of that-featuring different popes maybe wearing swim suits. In fact, a calendar of past popes would be a good seller. One pope can dress as a lifeguard, one a fireman, one in a business suit--you get the idea.



I am thinking of hiring some body guards. Yes, Demon Flash Bandit has become so popular on the Internet that hiring bodyguards would be a good idea. You can never be too careful. Sure, I can take care of myself, but a dog likes to take a nap, and super villains love to take advantage of the good guy when he is taking a nap. I was perusing the cereal aisle of my local supermarket for possible candidates for the job. Candidates include, Capt. Crunch because of his military experience, Count Chocula because it takes a villain to fight a villain, Boo Berry because he has the boos so bad and needs the work, Tony the Tiger because he is g-r-e-a-t, and Mr. T although I'm quite sure the store should update their stock. Snap, Crackle, and Pop are out of the question because I am not issuing 3 paychecks for those dudes. I know Count Chocula might be busy thanks to the popularity of vampires due to that Twilight movie franchise. Have you heard the girls talking about being on Team Chocula? I've even read it on the tshirts. By the way, if this dog had to support a team from Twilight, Team Chocula has my vote. On the other paw, I might even hire someone from the royal family since I'm such a good pal of the Queen, I could hire Charles because with those ears, no one could sneak up on him.



Thanks to my blog about helping the Queen come up with more money, I got a call from Bo Obama (first dog) asking me to come to the White House to fix things for the United States. That is how it always works out--if you want a solution to a big problem, call in a dog. I will share my brilliant ideas for the U.S. economy in an upcoming blog. Hey, I don't get paid to write this blog, and a dog's time is valuable. I could be napping. One final word to the Queen: Queen Lady, the grass isn't getting any shorter!



Demon Flash Bandit (Problem Solver)