Bird Hit Dog--Perfect Job for Demon Flash Bandit

Imagine my interest when I saw that an airport in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, is willing to pay a lot of money for someone who can get rid of birds around the airport. Birds cause a lot of problems for airplanes so they think it is worth paying a "bird killer". As a Siberian Husky, I think Florida is a bit too hot, and they never have any snow, but I could keep the air conditioner going for such a perfect job for me. I like to think of myself as a "bird hit dog". I don't like birds, and I don't trust birds, and I think I could make sure the airport was bird free. I'd like to make the whole planet bird free so it is a job that I would be proud to do. It would also solve that problem of whenever I ask for something cool I see on the Internet that a dog would love to have, my human tells me that I have no money. Recently I wrote a blog about an animated zombie dog that was only $5,700. and I was planning to buy it and use it on Halloween to scare the trick or treaters away from my house. Every year those little deadbeats come by wanting a dog's candy. The humans, being stupid humans, give the children candy that could be eaten by the family dog if the humans had any sense at all. This is why it is great that I can get a job doing what I do best, and get enough money so that a dog can buy whatever he chooses to buy. Asking the humans for money isn't right--dogs should have their own stash of cash. To show that I am not just making this up, here is the link:
http://now.msn.com/you-can-make-dollar76000-a-year-scaring-birds-in-sunny-florida

In the future, I expect that my blogs will be coming to you from Florida.

Demon Flash Bandit (Bird Hit Dog)

Endorsement for Demon Flash Bandit for President

Tropical Storm Isaac is headed for Florida, and it is disrupting plans for the Republican convention there. This brings me to the major point of my blog. God is in charge of storms like that, and he is obviously endorsing me, Demon Flash Bandit, as the candidate that should get the votes. Normally, I would not assume this, but it seems like everytime a storm hits anywhere, the Republicans always say that God is punishing this group or that group so I guess this time he is annoyed at them. Personally, I have never believed any of that, but it is their logic I'm using and maybe they know what they are talking about since he is after them too. I think God knows a dog would do a much better job of running the country. The humans have been running the world for a long time and dog knows, they don't do a very good job of it overall. How would things be done differently with me in office. I'll give you a few examples:

1. Dogs would be allowed to go into any store in which they choose to shop. Sure, we can go in most pet stores, but we like to shop at other stores too.

2. Companies that manufacture tainted dog food would face criminal charges.

3. Humans could declare their dogs and cats as dependents on their income tax (and they would have to prove that their dogs aren't eating dog food-we dogs prefer human food).

4. Dogs should be given the royal treatment. After all, we are dogs!

These are just a few of the changes I would make. Be sure and vote for Demon Flash Bandit on election day. I am not only the best candidate, but I have God's endorsement!

Demon Flash Bandit (I Deserve the Votes)

Dogs Solve Problems

I read a news item today about a huge Burmese Python that was found in Florida. It seems that Florida has a lot of new "exotic" species thanks to the humans who deal in exotic animals and reptiles. The humans don't seem to have a clue how to deal with this situation, and the new species often threaten the species that are already there. By the way, in my personal opinion, I think all snakes should be killed. I don't like them and I think they are useless creatures-even more useless than birds! As usual, if you want to get something done properly, you have to consult with a dog, and this dog has a solution the problem. All the humans have to do is to tell the new species that they don't belong there and buy them a plane ticket to where they do belong. I'm sure the species would be much happier in their original home, and would welcome the chance to go back there. You would think the humans could come up with solutions on their own, but they have those little human size brains--not big dog size brains. I'm going to take a nap until tomorrow when I might need to solve more of the humans' problems.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With Big Brain--Like All Dogs)

Zombies in the News

I have written several blogs dealing with zombies and today I see that there was a zombie attack in Miami, Florida. A naked man was biting the face off of another man, and he would not stop until a policeman shot and killed him. Since a zombie is an "undead" human who goes around eating other humans, this man fulfills the definition of a zombie. Here is the link so you can read about it for yourself:
http://www.examiner.com/article/police-shoot-naked-cannibal-during-zombie-attack-miami

This brings up another subject that I have mentioned in a past blog: zombie insurance. I'm sure most of my readers laughed at the idea, but now I bet it doesn't seem quite so funny, does it? I doubt that regular insurance covers zombie attacks so, having special zombie insurance makes a lot more sense now that there is a zombie attack in the news. Sure, it is still unlikely that most people will be attacked by a zombie, but how many want to take that risk? For those who want to be safe, here is the link for zombie insurance. Tell them Demon Flash Bandit sent you....I love saying that.
http://zaico.com/

I hope everyone had a nice weekend, and I hope you don't run into any zombies!

Demon Flash Bandit (Reporting Zombies in the News)

Herd the Alligators to Gatorland

Yesterday I wrote a blog about how a dog should not have an alligator as a pet. Today, after reading my blog, the Internet news had some news about alligators. As usual, I, Demon Flash Bandit, have set the pace for the news the following day. I don't know what they would do without me to give them things to write about. Anyway, an alligator bit a person in a hotel room in Lousiana. In another news item, a lady in Florida came home to find an alligator in her house. The assumption is that it got in through the doggy door, and she thinks it wanted to eat her cats. Does the stupid alligator not realize that cats are not for alligators to eat? They are for dogs. I wouldn't eat a cat, but if anyone eats a cat, it should be a dog. Alligators can eat many other types of animals in the wild. They should leave the cats alone. Besides, they might not get filled up completely on cats and then they might go after the family dog. This is why I think all alligators should be in Gatorland in Orlando, Florida where they belong. Can't the states that have them hire some "gatorboys" (like cowboys for cows), who can herd all the alligators to Gatorland. At least there the humans can enjoy watching them, and they don't cause any trouble. If only dogs were running the world....humans never think of solutions that make sense. Here is the story of the alligators mentioned in the news:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/12/alligator-visits-louisian_0_n_1420218.html?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl16%7Csec3_lnk2%26pLid%3D152115

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Would Hire "Gatorboys")

Alligators Are Not Good Pets!

I don't think I have to bother to write much about how humans make great pets for dogs. There are so many dogs who own humans; and for the most part, the humans do make delightful pets. You can imagine my surprise the other day when I had a dog tell me that he had a pet alligator. I think this is a silly pet for a dog to have. In fact, when a dog gets too close to an alligator, the dog might become the alligator's dinner. Sure, they do have nice teeth similar to us dogs, but that does not make for a good pet. I told my dog pal to stick with humans because alligators are just too dangerous. I hope he listens because I think alligators should stay in their home in Orlando, Florida-Gatorland.

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Alligators)

Husky Snow Dance!!!

There hasn't been a lot of snow yet here in my area so my fellow Siberian Husky, Angel Zoom Smokey, and myself have decided to take matters into our own paws and make sure we get more snow. We are planning to do a "snow dance" later today. A snow dance is like a rain dance only instead of rain, you get snow. I checked with Professor Ima Husky, and she said that snow dances are very effective in getting snow to arrive. She should know because she has an advanced degree in snowology! It is tricky finding the time to do it when the humans aren't watching because my humans really hate snow, and would probably live in a place with palm trees if they could do so. Personally, I have been to Florida, and I was not impressed with the palm trees.....they are no better than any other tree, and I peed on them just to check them out! If they were really such a great tree, they would be able to survive in cold climates instead of only warm climates. I have to go now. Angel has some ice for us to eat to get into the proper frame of mind for the dance. I hope that tomorrow at this time, I can report that we have lots and lots of snow!

Demon Flash Bandit (Sled Dog)

Buried Treasure!

Brian Dyer of Lakeland, Florida decided to have a swimming pool installed in the back yard of his home. Imagine his surprise when he found that his home was built over a lot of garbage that wasn't supposed to be there. He is very upset since the cost of clean up is going to be very expensive. If Brian Dyer happened to be a dog instead of a human, this would have been a lucky thing for him. A dog would be thrilled to find garbage like that when we are digging a hole. Most dogs only dream of finding a treasure of that calibre when digging. I have heard dogs talk of treasures hidden by such well known pirates such as Blackfur, Francis Dalmatian, and of course, the very well known, Captain Jack Schnauzer (no pirate should have a bird's name). Dogs for generations have searched for their treasures--milkbones, rawhides, etc. However, Dyer has found the mother lode of treasure and he wasn't even looking for it. How lucky can a man get? Of course, being human, instead of being happy with his find, he is complaining about it and talking about cleaning it up. The humans are way too preoccupied with cleaning. All us dogs think they would be happier if they learned to embrace dirt as a way of life. It is a lot more fun than cleaning all the time.

Mommy went to see the movie, Green Lantern yesterday, and she enjoyed it. I will be writing a review of it on my brother's website, http://www.silverscreenhub.com/ . Don't bother to read what the human critics say about the movie. You always get a more accurate account of the movie from a dog.

Demon Flash Bandit (Argh Argh--that is Pirate Talk)

The Only Good Flea is a Toy Flea

Fleas are the most useless things on the planet. I don't like them. Other dogs don't like them, and most humans don't like them. This brings me to my subject for today. Since fleas are annoying, useless pests, why do the humans have flea markets? I can think of no good reason to buy or sell fleas. I know I wouldn't buy a flea, and I can't think of anyone in their right mind who would. To be fair, I'm not quite sure that the markets sell fleas, but what kind of marketing concept is it to name a market after such an annoying pest? I know you can sell some of the humans almost anything, but you would think that even the humans would hear the words, flea market, and think that perhaps there are better places in which to shop. I would like to be able to report that my humans have never been to a flea market, but I'm sure at some point in their lives they have been to one. I have even heard Mommy say that Orlando, Florida has flea markets that sell only new stuff, are indoors, have air conditioning, and are open throughout the week. I suppose that is impressive since most flea markets don't have quite that level of shopping comfort. If you ask my opinion, if you must buy a flea, Amazon has some stuffed sqeaky dog toy fleas which (at the moment) are on sale for a mere $7.94. I think the stuffed variety is the only kind of flea that anyone should even consider buying. I used to have one (it met a fate that any dog would be happy to see a flea meet), and it was a fun toy. Skip the flea market and order the flea from Amazon right from your computer. You'll be glad you did!

Demon Flash Bandit (Only Good Flea is Flea Dog Toy)

I Would Prefer Guests Not Be Alligators or Snakes

Because I am a sled dog, I love a lot of snow during the winter. As I have mentioned in past entries, my human Mommy does not share that love of snow and winter. In fact, I have overheard her talking about moving to Florida so that she won't have to deal with snow and ice in the future. Of course, I have been doing everything I can to persuade her to quit thinking about moving. I think things are wonderful here in Michigan, and the only move that should even be considered would be to an even colder place--like Alaska. Today I found a news article from Florida that I had to make sure Mommy would see. I think this news item might make snow look a lot better to her.

The story is from Palmetto, Florida. Alexis Dunbar returned to her home to find an alligator occupying the guest bedroom. It is assumed that the alligator crawled into the house from the pond in the back yard and entered the house through the doggy door. I think the alligator did show that he was very polite because he could have stayed in the master bedroom, but he was polite enough to go to the guest bedroom which tends to be the smaller of the two rooms. Although he was a polite guest, I do understand that I would not want an alligator in my house either. They do have some big teeth, and they might decide to eat the host or the host's dog. I'm hoping that this news article will make Mommy realize that it is better to wake up to snow on the ground outside than to an alligator in your bedroom. Florida also has a lot of poisonous snakes, and if an alligator can get inside your house, it would be even easier for a snake to get in. I think snow will start looking better and better to Mommy, but it is hard to tell. As all us dogs know, humans aren't always as smart or practical as we are.

Demon Flash Bandit (Not a Fan of Alligators and Snakes)

If Mice Can Drive, So Can Dogs!

I was watching an old movie called Stewart Little, and this dog is angry. It seems that Stewart, who happens to be a mouse, has a car and is able to drive around town. I am a dog who has been wanting my own car and driver's license since I was a puppy. I've been told that dogs aren't given licenses to drive. I wasn't happy about that, but I accepted it---until I saw the movie. Why is a mouse given a driver's license and a car when he is a MOUSE!!!! When did mice become more responsible than dogs? Most humans don't even like to have them around yet they are driving around probably causing accidents. What are the humans thinking giving them licenses? My theory is that Mickey Mouse, who must be quite wealthy by now, is buying off the politicians so that mice can legally drive their little mouse cars. This is yet another case of greedy politicians putting their constituents at risk just so they can get some extra money. I think a judge should subpoena their bank accounts to see if they have deposited a large amount of "unaccounted" for cash in their bank account from a depositor in California or Florida. Yes, we know where the big shot mouse gets his money. Isn't it bad enough that mice can run around Disney's parks and dogs aren't allowed? Mickey, I hope you are reading this because this is one dog that can see through your corruption of the system. I will fight to get you and the rest of the mice off the road and back in the garage and attics where you belong!

Demon Flash Bandit (If Dogs Can't Drive, Neither Should Mice)

Items in the News

This dog would like to express my sadness at the loss of life and all the destruction that has affected Japan. As if the earthquake and tsunami weren't bad enough, the problems with the nuclear power plant is making it even more devastating. My prayers go out to the people affected by this great tragedy! I personally don't know why the humans use nuclear power plants to power things anyway. It seems to me that they could find a safer method, but of course, that would probably take the kind of genius that only us dogs possess.

Another news item that I found interesting is about a man in Gainesville, Florida who bought a printer at Walmart so he could print counterfeit United States currency. He tried to use the money at a local restaurant, and they refused to take it. He has been arrested, and I'm wondering if in addition to charges of counterfeiting, perhaps he was also charged with stupidity. I think even most birds know that printers and paper from Walmart won't make realistic looking United States currency.

Demon Flash Bandit (Commenting on the News)

Halloween Strategy

I have devised a strategy to keep the trick or treaters out of the candy. It will take a little work on the part of Angel Zoom Smokey and myself, but keeping our candy safe is worth the effort. First, we are going to dig a big ditch around the house. This will be the enjoyable work since we like to dig anyway, and are very accomplished at it. Then we will fill it with water and put alligators in the water. If the human puppies manage to get through our moat, we will be standing in the window with bow and arrow ready to send a message to the little thieves. You don't come to our house expecting a dog's candy without consequences. This inspiration came when Jeff was watching Robin Hood, but we will have some machine guns backing us up in case the arrows aren't enough. Some human puppies can be quite persistent when it comes to getting candy. Of course, my humans know nothing about this plan. The humans are always happily giving away the candy when you think they would have enough sense to hoard it for themselves. After Howloween, I will send the gators to Gatorland in Orlando, FL so they can be with their relatives. They can come up and visit again next Howloween. I arranged all this with George the Gator who owns most of northern Florida judging by the souvenir shops that he owns along the expressway. By the way, I am suggesting to Mommy that she give out Mike and Ike's this year since that is one of my favorite candies.

Autumn is in the air and this brings a dog's mind to the Cider Mills. Why haven't we visited one yet? This dog could stand a couple of tasty doughnuts or an apple covered in fudge and caramel. Michigan does have delightfully tasty apple cider. I have never visited a cider mill, but I would love to go. I hope it isn't one of those annoying businesses that does not allow dogs. Since most of the doughnuts are eaten outside, I think a dog should be allowed. The health department can't exactly ban us from outside. This dog could use an outing.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Candy)

Ice Cream Cone Buildings--Architectural Genius!

Imagine my excitement when I discovered on the Internet that there are several ice cream buildings for sale. There are 2 Twisty Treats Ice Cream Cone buildings available in Florida that can stay where they are or be moved to a new location. I think my humans should buy one of these buildings while they are still available. Angel Zoom Smokey and myself happen to love ice cream so we would be willing to taste test the product for "quality control", and the humans would have something useful to do with their time--serve us ice cream. Sure, they could do it from a regular square or rectangular building, but owning a building shaped like an ice cream cone is much more fun. In fact, if my humans didn't want to run an ice cream shop, I think the building would make a great dog house. Angel Zoom Smokey and myself like to live in the human house, but it would be a nice place to hang out when we are outside, and the other neighborhood dogs would have a place to visit. If they leave all the ice cream equipment in the building, us dogs could make our own treats. I think that would be very cool--particularly since it is ice cream and ice cream is supposed to be cool.

I've got to go now. I printed up a copy of the information for the ice cream buildings that are for sale which I will cleverly hide in Mommy's magazine.
I can only hope my humans are as excited over this ad as I was.

Demon Flash Bandit (Ice Cream Cone Building--Architectural Genius)