Halloween Strategy

I have devised a strategy to keep the trick or treaters out of the candy. It will take a little work on the part of Angel Zoom Smokey and myself, but keeping our candy safe is worth the effort. First, we are going to dig a big ditch around the house. This will be the enjoyable work since we like to dig anyway, and are very accomplished at it. Then we will fill it with water and put alligators in the water. If the human puppies manage to get through our moat, we will be standing in the window with bow and arrow ready to send a message to the little thieves. You don't come to our house expecting a dog's candy without consequences. This inspiration came when Jeff was watching Robin Hood, but we will have some machine guns backing us up in case the arrows aren't enough. Some human puppies can be quite persistent when it comes to getting candy. Of course, my humans know nothing about this plan. The humans are always happily giving away the candy when you think they would have enough sense to hoard it for themselves. After Howloween, I will send the gators to Gatorland in Orlando, FL so they can be with their relatives. They can come up and visit again next Howloween. I arranged all this with George the Gator who owns most of northern Florida judging by the souvenir shops that he owns along the expressway. By the way, I am suggesting to Mommy that she give out Mike and Ike's this year since that is one of my favorite candies.

Autumn is in the air and this brings a dog's mind to the Cider Mills. Why haven't we visited one yet? This dog could stand a couple of tasty doughnuts or an apple covered in fudge and caramel. Michigan does have delightfully tasty apple cider. I have never visited a cider mill, but I would love to go. I hope it isn't one of those annoying businesses that does not allow dogs. Since most of the doughnuts are eaten outside, I think a dog should be allowed. The health department can't exactly ban us from outside. This dog could use an outing.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Candy)

I'm Waiting for my Royalty Check

Reese's Peanutbutter cups are airing a commercial from which I am expecting a royalty check. It says that only bad thing about Howloween is giving away your Reeses Peanutbutter cups. I've been saying that every Howloween since I was a puppy so it is my intellectual property. Knowing the human justice system, I will be cheated out of my royalty checks simply because I'm a dog. Most great inventions have been the result of dogs. Do you really think humans are smart enough to think of these things? They just sit back and wait for their dogs to invent something and then they take it from their dog. Howloween always annoys me. I enjoy seeing the human puppies come by dressed in their costumes, but I see no need in letting them steal my candy just because they are wearing a costume. The humans even say chocolate is bad for you (not that all Howloween candy is chocolate), but the humans will say anything to keep some foods for themselves, and chocolate is way to popular with the humans for them to want to give it to their dogs. Anyway, I will be checking the mailbox everyday for my royalty check.

Mommy was cleaning out my human brother's closet and I came up with a brilliant idea--why not give the trick or treaters old clothes, books, etc. instead of candy. They can go home and list the stuff on Ebay and learn to make their own money instead of stealing my candy. I told Mommy my genius plan, and she still donated the clothing anyway. I don't think the humans would know a genius plan if it bit them on the butt. My idea would help the little deadbeats learn to make money and pull their weight in their homes. Some of these children are 3 and 4 and still have no job--they are just staying home and living off their parents. I would teach them to be little business humans, and the Howloween candy would still be here for Angel Zoom Smokey and myself to confiscate.

I had better go and check the mail. Until tomorrow.....

A Dog in a Candy Store

Finally, a reason to visit New York City--home of the Wonka toy store. It is inside the Toys R Us at Times Square. This store carries all 12 brands of Wonka candy, and has the piped in smell of chocolate for a delightful shopping experience. This dog is a big fan of candy. I'm very fond of those little red Swedish Fish candies, and Mike and Ikes (particularly the tropical flavor ones). I have also decided that the reason humans say chocolate is bad for dogs is because they are hoarding it all for themselves--you know it has to be delicious if they don't want to share with their dogs. I would personally be willing to make a trip to NYC to shop at this delightful store, but I bet dogs are not allowed which would mean I would have to spend my vacation protesting outside the store which would be no fun so I will skip the trip. This store has not only excited me, but after receiving this correspondence from the Queen Lady (Queen Elizabeth of England), I can now understand why she made her recent trip to NYC. As always, I will share the letter with my readers:

To My Dear Pal, Demon Flash Bandit,

I wonder when the archaic laws in the United States will be progressive enough to allow dogs to enter the Wonka Candy Store in NYC. I enjoyed my recent trip there. I wanted to make sure my candy supply was replenished. Someone has been sneaking in and eating my candy from the candy room at the Castle. I suspect Prince Charles, but since he is my son, it would look bad if I had him arrested for candy theft. Believe me, I have considered it....taking my candy is serious, as you can understand. I know you take your candy as seriously as I take mine. However a candy scandal could rock the country at its core and do irreparable damage to the crown so I guess he will get by with it.

Did you see that Mr. Pope came here for a visit? As you may have guessed, he only came here because he knew I made a candy run to NYC, and he knew that I would have to offer him some of my treasures. I did not want to share my candy, but I had to give him some. He should have known better. Does he not remember history? King Henry VIII had amassed a large supply of candy, and the Pope wanted his share. Henry refused to give up his candy and then started the Anglican Church. His daughter, Elizabeth, continued the tradition and the Anglican church had slogans on billboards that said, "we will not give our candy to the Pope". You would think that churches would understand just how seriously some of the humans (and dogs) take their candy supplies. The Pope and I did have some fun. We had a race between the Queenmobile and the Popemobile, but I can't tell you who won. I promised to keep it secret and a good Queen keeps her promises.

This brings me to a promise I made to you. I am doing my best to get to the United States to mow your yard, Demon Flash Bandit. You are a special dog to me, and I would not want to see you have to get out and mow your own yard. I am planning to come and mow it before winter sets in. I've just been extra busy. As if it isn't enough work keeping Prince Big Ears out of trouble, I've had to entertain the Pope also. A Queen's work is never done!

Love, Queen Lady Elizabeth
Demon Flash Bandit (Sharing Correspondence)

Make Your Own Candy Bar---Isn't That Work?

When I read that Hershey is opening a new attraction for those who love chocolate, I was excited. I have occasionally managed to grab a bite of that wonderful concoction, and it is delicious. I have a personal theory that the reason the humans say it is bad for dogs is because they are hoarding all of it for themselves. In fact, if I could get my paws on the chocolate supply, I would tell the humans it is good for dogs, but not good for them. Okay, that probably wouldn't stop most of them, but a dog can try. Hershey's Factory Works will allow a person to put on an apron and hair net, and make their own candy bar. They can add up to 3 ingredients and and then it is drenched in chocolate, and you can add little Hershey kisses shaped sprinkles. The candy is then allowed to cool and is packaged in a custom package. Sure, it sounds good, and the process could be a lot of fun, but the cost if $14.95. When this dog read that, I knew it was not for me. Why should I "work" and "make my own candy bar" which I will have to pay $14.95 for when I can go to the store, and get a candy bar that someone else has put the work into for $1.00 or less? Some dogs may not be good in math, but that means I could get about 15 candy bars for the price of one, and I don't care if they put my handsome face on the package......I'm still going to open it and eat the candy. Do you think a dog is going to smell some tasty food, and not want to eat it? If you have ever tried to open a candy bar with your paws, and I have, it isn't easy. As I said, I have managed to help myself because they were just sitting in a cabinet and all a dog had to do was climb on a chair and open a cabinet door which meant that the humans had obviously meant for me to help myself. (By the way, I didn't get sick, but the humans did confiscate it before I could eat very much of it--amid my protests.) Anyway, when a dog goes to open a candy bar, paws are not as agile as human hands, so you usually have to use your teeth to help you open it, and let's just say, the packaging tends to get messed up in the process. The other day Angel Zoom Smokey opened a box of milkbones and there were cardboard bits everywhere, and milkbones all over the floor. It was like hitting the jackpot in Las Vegas--only the prize was better than money.

I have a happy announcement to make. Mommy found a sale on Bit o Luv chicken flavor so she bought a lot of them. The party is at my house......BYOB (Bring Your Own Bone....I'm not Sharing Mine.)

Demon Flash Bandit (If I Have to Work, I Want the Item Cheaper!)