Birds Should be Nestless

I'm sure that the dogs reading this will want to know my latest twist in my personal war on birds. I recently learned that birds like to incorporate all sorts of things into their nests which includes doggy fur. As a Siberian husky, I am blessed with far more fur than I need, and I live inside so it isn't like I need the fur to stay warm. In fact, I have recently shed enough fur that my humans are wondering how I have any left (yet I do). Therefore, I plan to use this spare fur as ammunition in my ongoing war on birds. I am going to make nests for the birds using some of the excess fur. This is a wise plan because the humans who see me building those nests will think that I am a sweet dog (which I am) because I am watching out for my "feathered friends" (sickening thought, isn't it?). Meanwhile I will be selling these nests which has the added benefit of giving me money for my favorite dingo bone treats. If you haven't tried dingo brand bones, you should. They are delicious! Anywhat, (any dog can say anywho--I like to be creative)the genius portion of my plan is that I will "finance" these nests and make the "reasonable" payments very affordable (if the bird is a billionaire). When the bird gets behind on their payments, then this dog will foreclose leaving the bird nestless. Meanwhile I can resell the nest to another stupid bird. It should not be too hard to fool the birds since they have bird brains in their bird heads! I can't take full credit for this idea. The humans do it, but it is usually something called a bank to which they owe the money. Banks foreclose on houses when the owner doesn't pay. I wonder....are the banks waging war against the humans and if so, are they owned by birds? But I digest (preferably a bird), the only problem with my plan is what will happen if the birds can continue making their payments. It isn't like I want to be some bird's landlord and have the bird calling me up in the middle of a good nap (which could be anytime), telling me to come over because they want to remodel the nest. The last thing a dog wants to hear from a bird is complaints. If you ask my opinion, the only one who should be complaining is a dog. The dog risks getting hit by a "bird bomb" whenever he is outside, and that same dog can hear the bird "singing" stupid songs all day. Believe me. the songs are stupid. I happen to speak "bird". Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing "Nestless" Bird Plan)

Walmart Declares War

In keeping with their annual holiday tradition, Walmart has announced its new adversary in its war on other businesses. Usually it is Amazon, but since that is getting a bit boring, the wise humans running Walmart have decided to go another route this year. They have declared war on the movie studios. Yes, Walmart has decided to get into the entertainment industry. I think this is a natural progression since Walmart can be a very entertaining place to shop. I think this should have the movie studios scared out of their wits (if they have wits) because Walmart is already a very entertaining place to shop what with all the interesting customers that they seem to draw through their doors. It is almost like there is some kind of force field that robs humans of their brains as soon as they enter the lobby of the local Walmart store. Yes, normal humans who can think and are quite normal suddenly become blubbering blobs of stupidity when they get inside the store. I know all the dogs reading this know what I am talking about, and it is sad because humans aren't nearly as smart as us dogs to begin with. The first movie is going to star their favorite spokesman, Larry the Cable Guy who will change his name to Larry the Walmart Shopper. Of course, Larry the Cable Guy is too expensive so they rolled back the price they were willing to pay and hired an illegal alien Larry the Cable Guy impersonator for the part. This movie is going to have a budget of $5,000, and they would appreciate it if the humans would go to Kickstarter to give them the funding for this project. We wouldn't want them to take a chance on losing so much money, would we? If they lose money like that, they might have to start shopping at their own stores, and that would be tragic for them since they would lose their brains as soon as they walk into the lobby. There is no way around that. Einstein would have become stupid if he had shopped at Walmart, but it would explain his weird hairstyle. Many Walmart customers don't seem to have any fashion sense whatsoever. Demon Flash Bandit (Walmart Declares War Again)

Dogs Who Hoard Treasures

I am so pleased to be featured in a new reality show on the Dog Planet channel entitled, Doggie Hoarders: "Dogs Who Have Treasures Stashed". How did I receive this high honor? I received it because I deserved it! Since I was a wee puppy, I have been hoarding important stuff all over the house. My latest stash includes a box of Ding Dongs that are at least 7 months old. Sure, I could have been impatient and eaten them immediately. However, as any dog can tell you, food is always more delicious if you allow it to age. To get maximum flavor from ding dongs, ho hos, cupcakes or twinkies, they need at least 3 months after the "best eaten by date" before eating and every day that passes beyond that point just makes them better. The big difference in the reality show involving doggy hoarders versus human hoarders is that the dogs watching the show admire the hoarders. The humans are idiots who think the hoarders are crazy or bordering on crazy. It is ridiculous when you think about it. The humans who hoard are not encouraged to do so even though they are less wasteful and more interesting than the non-hoarding humans. Have you ever been inside a house of one of those obsessively clean humans? Talk about boring: their houses are not only boring, but downright annoying. A dog can't find anything fun to chew on or play with in those houses that the humans won't be upset about the dog "messing with". This is why it is so important if you want your house to look nice and be interesting to hire a doggy decorator. They are the only decorators that know what they are doing! Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Dog Hoarding)

I Will Let You Know What I Enjoy in Life

Just because I'm a Siberian Husky does not mean that I don't enjoy being comfortable. Last night, I left the bedroom, and of course, the door was left open when I came back. The bedroom tends to be warmer than the rest of the house so there was cold air getting through into the room. I was sitting near the door so it was hitting my fur directly which was not comfortable for this dog. What did I do? I did what any sensible dog would do under the circumstances-I cried until one of my humans shut it for me. Then I went back to sleep. This brings me to my topic for today. Why do the humans always think they know what us dogs want to do? Does it ever occur to the humans that just because I have thick fur that can handle cold well does not mean that I enjoy being cold all the time. Also, we huskies are muscular and like to pull things, but does that mean that we love pulling a bunch of fat butt humans around while they sit there and expect us to do all the work? Believe me, no matter what the humans think, we would rather be napping. I get very tired of the human "know it all" types thinking they know what a dog likes to do and they try to think for us. As long as they have the little human size brains, they will never know how us dogs think. We are too smart for the humans. Now let me take a nap, and keep that door closed! Demon Flash Bandit (Humans Have no Clue What Dogs Enjoy)

Cleaning for Christmas!

Christmas will be here soon. I know this because Mommy brought home a tree yesterday. I know that sounds exciting, but the tree isn't real, and to be honest, I don't find the holiday that amusing except for the gifts I get each year. I bet you are wondering what I don't like about Christmas so I will tell you. I don't like the humans cleaning. Yesterday I had to rescue a box of Milkbone Marro Bones that I had in my stash. I'm sure all the dogs reading this know how important a stash is to a dog! When the humans come in with bags of groceries and various household items, a dog is supposed to check out the bags and see if there are any treats that need to be rescued and put into the "stash". When a pet is dependent on humans who are stupid and have such bad memories that they might forget to feed you sometime in the future, a stash is a necessity! Let's be realistic, they might forget where they live in the future, and not make it home for weeks. This is why a dog has to take care of himself when he can! Anyway, I decided I might as well eat the Marro bones while I had them in my mouth carrying them to the bedroom. You carry your snacks to the bedroom, don' you? I shared some with Angel Zoom Smokey (against my will), and there is still about half a box of them left. I guess I'll finish them later tonight! Anyway, that is why I supervise the cleaning. If you don't keep an eye on the humans, you never know what stupid thing they will do next! I must admit that even though a real tree would be a nice item on which to pee, I've heard that water and electricity do not mix. Sure, it would be handy if you needed to execute a bird (and who among us doesn't want to do that), but they are kind of pretty, and Mommy has some new husky ornament this year. I'm sure the tree will look "huskeriffic"! Demon Flash Bandit (Supervising Christmas Clean Up)

Television Review: Mike and Molly: First Season

Today I am going to do a review of a television program called, Mike and Molly--first season. This television show features a truly talented actress named Suzy Q. Suzy Q is so talented, she plays the part of a male named Jim. Not every actress could pull off such a role. Jim (Suzy Q) is one of the most expressive actresses I have watched in a very long time. Jim doesn't even have to say anything--just the look on his (her) face is enough to show the emotions that were intended. For example, in one episode, when Peggy (Jim's human) said that she could save money by buying Jim bargain chow, the look Jim gave Molly was hilarious. You could tell without Jim even uttering a bark that Jim didn't like the bargain chow! If you should decide to buy this season on dvd, be sure and watch the bonus features. There is an interview with Jim (Suzy Q) that makes the entire season worth watching--or should I say that Jim makes the whole show worth watching? In fact, this dog thinks Jim is every viewers' main reason for watching the show. The humans do a good job, but let's face it, the humans aren't dogs so they aren't going to have the amount of talent that a dog has! Demon Flash Bandit (Television Program Review)Te;e

Demon Flash Bandit Excluded from Wedding!

My brother, Jeff, was best man at his friend's wedding Saturday, and I didn't even get invited to the wedding! Can you believe it? I refused to put my pawtograph on the card for him. If you don't invite this dog to the festivities, this dog does not give a pawtograph on the card. I'm sure the happy couple will wish they had been more thoughtful about inviting a dog once they realize in years to come that my pawtograph would sell on ebay for a lot of money! I have already sold a bandage worn on my paw on ebay. Let's face it, there aren't that many blogging dogs out there, and how many of the ones who are out there blogging have ran for President twice? I don't know why more humans don't include dogs in on their activities. We love to pawty too, and we are much more fun to be around than many of the humans. They didn't include Angel Zoom Smokey either, but I can understand not inviting her. She can be a real pain in the tail. She barks too much, and I've caught her stealing my treats. However, I bet she wasn't included because of her dogness. There is entirely too much prejudice against dogs in our society which is why I keep running for President. It is going to take a dog in high office to stop the discrimination. I do hope that Chris and Tiffany have the best of luck....they'll need it without being able to auction my pawtograph in the future! Demon Flash Bandit (Not Included)