Computer Needs Psychiatrist

I didn't write a blog yesterday because I am experiencing technical difficulties. Actually, the computer is experiencing those difficulties. I am fine, but a dog does need a computer to post his blog so that is why I didn't write. My brother rebooted the computer and now it has went from dead to insane--yes I have taken it to a technical psychiatrist, and he has pronounced that the computer is suffering from delusions--this is because the mouse now has a mind of its own. He also said it is classic narcissistic disorder because the computer thinks it is the best computer in the world and is irreplaceable. Judging from the amount of money in this dog's bank account, that might be true. Why do the humans not set up bank accounts for us dogs? We could use some back up money for treats, toys, and the occasional new computer. This is why I cam going to let Mommy buy the computer and I'll just use hers. That will teach the humans who is boss!

However, most of my readers don't care about the psychiatric diagnosis of my computer problems, they came here to read the latest opinions of Demon Flash Bandit, dog, because the humans know dogs are smarter than them, and they need our wisdom to get through the day. I will not disappoint those humans. Today I will write about a subject that is on most people's minds nowadays. That subject: which movie that is playing at the theatre should they go and see? Since Mommy went to a movie yesterday, Hot Tub Time Machine, I will relate her review of the movie. Because dogs aren't allowed in theatres, I can't do the review until it comes out on dvd and then it would be too late for my readers to know what to go see at the theatre. Here is the review:

Hot Tub Time Machine:

Four men and a young guy go back to the place where the three older men spent a weekend in their past. They get into the hot tub in their hotel, and it sends them back in time to the 80s. I might add that since the 80s were a lackluster time period, the fact that the movie was enjoyable makes it a phenomenal success. I can't tell you anymore than the beginning or it would spoil the movie, but if I were allowed to go to the theatre, Mommy thinks I would enjoy the movie. Of course, it is no Snow Dogs or Eight Below-those movies are great. It isn't even up there with Beethoven or Turner and Hooch. However, when a movie is lacking dogs, if the movie has only humans and it isn't a total failure, then they have done a good job.

If I'm not able to post for a few days, it means the computer has went from insane to dead again. I hope my readers are having a good week, and remember, Demon Flash Bandit says thanks for reading my blog!

Demon Flash Bandit (Using Crazy Computer)

I Am Not a Fashion Model--Don't Get Any Ideas About Dressing Me

I thought only humans had to worry about what they should wear each day, but now dogs are taking over the fashion world. I guess the designers finally realized something us dogs have known for centuries--we are very cute! According to the dog fashion experts I have researched on the internet, a dog should wear something that expresses his personality. Does that mean a dog who likes to nap should wear a pillow as a hat to express his personality? It would be practical too--if the dog gets an urge to take a nap, he already has a pillow with him. There are now dog fashion shows to show off the newest dog fashions with the main difference being that the dog models are so much better looking than the human models.

This dog is not happy with the new trend. When some silly humans starts saying that all dogs should wear booties to protect their paws, I say that no one asked this dog what he thought about that idea. I like to go out bare pawed. I don't like booties and I refuse to wear them. If I don't want to wear booties, you can imagine how I feel about clothing. Sure, some dogs are okay with it--particularly the smaller breeds, but I don't want the big dogs laughing at me--and you know the humans will come up with silly outfits. My humans might want to dress me in a tutu like I'm some kind of ballet star. My outfit would have to be tough because I'm a tough dog. In fact, if they really want to express my personality, I would be dressed as a hamburger because I do love Burger King burgers. They are delicious burgers!

For all the dogs who are reading this, it is okay if you want to dress up in an outfit, but don't let the humans dress you if you don't want to be dressed. Today, they will dress a dog in a cute outfit, tommorrow, they'll have us taking dance lessons. Will the humans' insanity ever end?

Demon Flash Bandit (I Look Good in My Fur!)

Everybody Run--The Dog Has a Gun

This dog likes to enjoy reading a good dog magazine so I was checking the internet for magazines that are meant for dogs, and I came across one entitled, Gun Dog. I have to admit that I do not carry a gun and most dogs I know do not carry guns so it perked my interest just to think about what kind of dog would be "packing heat". I can only imagine what kind of dog would be reading this magazine. Are they police dogs who carry guns to protect their human partners from bad guys? Those are the dogs wearing the police badges. Are they cowboy dogs who carry guns so they can shoot at snakes or at bad guys in shoot outs? You can tell the cowboy dogs from their outfits--they wear cowboy hats and bandannas. Are they red neck dogs who ride around in pick up trucks wearing Nascar hats and possibly chewing tobacco? Are they dogs from the hood who are tough dogs who might even be dealing in drugs. I once heard about a dog who was using needles to put milkbones directly into his veins--he said eating them took too long to get that wonderful "full" feeling. Perhaps some of them are hunting dogs who have lazy humans who are too lazy to shoot at the prey themselves so they let their dogs carry the gun. One thing I can tell you, you don't mess with a dog who is carrying a gun. After much thought, I think the magazine probably caters to all those groups, and it is endorsed by the DORA--Dogs Owning Rifles Association (not to be confused with that Dora who is always exploring somewhere). I know if I owned a magazine, I would want to make all the money I could publishing it so I would not want to leave anyone out. I should have my humans pick up a copy of it for me so I can see exactly what the magazine is like. Who would have thought gun toting dogs would have their own magazine?

Demon Flash Bandit (Everybody Run--the Dog Has a Gun!)

Danger Humans: Danger!

I hope all my readers are having a very happy Easter, and I wish I could tell you that everything is right with the world, but I can't. In yesterday's blog, I mentioned Alfred Hitchcock's documentary, The Birds, in which he tries to warn people about birds. However, there have been other brave film makers who have been willing to make films that, instead of being fun entertainment, are documentaries warning us of other dangerous situations. Today I will discuss one that needs to be addressed as quickly as possible, and that is Killer Tomatoes. These tomatoes are such a problem that there isn't just one documentary about them--there are 4 documentaries about them.

The filmmaker started with a film entitled Attack of the Killer Tomatoes which was made in 1978. Since then, 3 other documentaries have been made. Since the humans never bother to do anything about these situations, another movie was made in 1988 entitled, Return of the Killer Tomatoes. In 1991, another film was made, Killer Tomatoes Strike Back. This is a film that could have been inspired by George Lucas. Also in 1991, the fourth in the series was made which was entitled, Killer Tomatoes Eat France. This last one was shown often in the White House during the W. Bush years when he was mad at France. He called it the ultimate "feel good" movie. In fact, W. wanted someone to make a documentary about killer pretzels, but so far, no filmmaker has had the courage to tell people the truth about their snack foods. In addition to the movies, an animated series was made so the entertainment industry has done all it can to warn people of dangers of tomatoes. Has it worked? Judging from the amount of websites dedicated to helping people grow tomatoes, I would say the answer is NO, IT HAS NOT!!!!

This dog is not fond of tomatoes because I prefer to eat my food, not have it eat me. I would think the humans would have the same attitude, but clearly, the humans are not as smart as us dogs. I do hope that something can be done. I am thinking that maybe if they built a giant tomato juicer, that might solve the problem, but I wouldn't want to create something worse--like killer tomato juice that can wipe out a city. You do have to be careful when dealing with problems of this magnitude. If any of you have any ideas about how to get rid of the killer variety of tomatoes, leave a comment. I will forward all comments to Homeland Security so they can decide which color alert to announce. Until then, when you see one of those tiny little tomatoes, don't assume all is well--protect yourself in case that tiny tomato has a bad attitude--and possibly a gun!

Demon Flash Bandit (Defending Myself and My Family From Killer Tomatoes)

Ultimate Dog Problem: Robot Birds

For the dogs who read Entertainment Weekly, this blog will come as no suprise because I am commenting on one of their articles. The magazine talks about how Sam Worthington, an actor who was in the big hit, Avatar, hated the owl in the movie Clash of the Titans. He hated the owl, wanted to destroy it, and said "that owl did not deserve to be in our movie". This dog loved the article because it is nice to see a human who thinks intelligently like myself. I wrote a blog last month (3-6-10) entitled, Birds New Song: Don't Fear the Reaper. For those of you who missed the blog, I was talking about how birds steal a dog's snow, sing and taunt a dog about the theft in the spring and summer, and how they are the cause of global warming. It is so nice to see a human who understands how serious this situation with birds has become. The owl's name was Bubo, which makes this dog wonder--when did birds become important enough to deserve a name? Perhaps people in Australia are more aware of how evil birds happen to be. That could explain why Worthington hated the owl so much. The thing that really upsets this dog is that the owl was a mechanical bird. I have been writing a diary on Dogster.com for several years, and I have warned the dogs on that site about the possibility of a robot bird being created. Now we know one exists. Hitchcock tried to warn other humans about birds in his documentary, The Birds, but most people didn't listen to or heed his warnings. I am glad that an actor has finally did an interview for a major entertainment magazine that tells people just what he thinks of birds--and I'm even happier that he shares my opinion of them. Sam Worthington--good actor, intelligent human!

Demon Flash Bandit (The Ultimate Dog Problem: Robot Birds!)

Telephones: This Dog Willing To Give Them a Try

All us dogs know that humans have some eccentric behavior, but I think some of the oddest behavior is caused by a device that is in just about every home--and some humans even carry it with them when they leave. That device is the telephone. I know I'm not the only dog who has observed how silly the humans react to the device. It rings a lot and annoys the dog who is usually trying to take a nap. Sometimes the humans rush to answer it, and sometimes they let it ring--depending on their mood. Yes, humans get moody about the weirdest things. My humans usually answer the phone if they can, but I have learned that this is not standard procedure with all humans. Some "screen calls" which is silly since there is no screen anywhere around the telephone. Some "tele" devices are good. Television seems to offer a lot of entertainment, and I have even seen dogs on that device so I know it has to be good. I would love to have a "tele"portation device to teleport me to Burger King when I want a burger. Telephones just don't seem to be as interesting. However, in the interest of being fair, I think the humans should get a phone just for me, and then I will bark a blog about whether it is a good product or not. I will warn the phone companies though, if I give it a poor rating, they might loose lots of business since the humans will listen to the wisdom of Demon Flash Bandit.

Demon Flash Bandit (Willing to Give the Phone a Try)

Smart Dogs Love Yummy Chummies

Yesterday's blog was about a favorite dog treat of mine--Yummy Chummies--the delicious salmon treat from Alaska. For my readers who happen to live in the states of Idaho, Oregon, and Washington, Costco in those states have ordered 48 pallets of Yummy Chummies for the stores there. Each pallet has 288 packages of Yummy Chummies which is one pallet per store. In fact, if you decide to mush to a store and get them yourself, those states are closer to many of us dogs than Alaska so you can get your treats a lot faster if you don't have to go all the way to Alaska to get them. Believe me when I say that those treats are worth the run. Of course, I will admit that since I'm a Siberian Husky, I don't really mind running, but it is still nice to have a tasty reward at the end of the run.

I read on the news today that the humans running the govt. are stepping down so dogs can take over. This was done after the humans finally realized that dogs are smarter and better than them. Dogs have been waiting centuries for this to happen, and now that it has, dogs everywhere are celebrating. Of course, this is only an April Fool's Joke, but the real joke is on the humans since dogs really are smarter and better at running the world than humans. Maybe one day I can make this announcement for real.....a dog can dream. Most of the time, I like to dream about Yummy Chummies.

Demon Flash Bandit (Smart Dogs Love Yummy Chummies)