I want everyone to know that my Mommy went shopping today and got 2 boxes of Milkbones, a package of soft and chewy milkbones, and some ham for my dinner. This is what happens when a dog has a well trained human. This training is not easy, and it is best started when you are a puppy, but it is never too late to begin. The humans are slow learners, but they can learn--you just have to work with them. Yes, there will be times when a dog will feel that the humans are hopeless and not worth the trouble, but you must trudge on and keep trying. They can end up really surprising you once you have them properly trained. Here are a few tips.
1. Remember, the humans crave love so show them affection whenever possible, but particularly when they have done something right--like bringing home treats.
2. Let the human know who is boss. Of course, you are the dog so you are the boss.
3. Allow the human to look like he is in charge in front of other humans--you know you are really in charge, but the humans like to feel important. This is why they all walk around with cell phones talking about the weather.
4. When the human makes a mistake (and they will make many, many, many mistakes), don't hold it against them. Remember, they aren't dogs so they will make mistakes.
5. Sometimes let them eat at the table. This also makes them feel important.
6. Let them sleep in the big bed as long as there is plenty of room for you. Yeah, I know how it is when the humans think it is their bed, but humor them--they do go to work to pay for stuff so you have to let them have a few small victories. However, I've found that getting to bed before them and pretending to be asleep and not moving usually works well. This is why they have guest bedrooms--so that they will have a place to sleep themselves.
7. When you go for a walk, lead the way and decide where you are walking. Remember this is your walk--not theirs!
These are the beginning rules of training humans. Good luck, and remember, don't let them start bad habits because they are hard to break!
Demon Flash Bandit (Rules for Training the Humans)