No Baby Talk for This Dog

I know my readers are thrilled that I have been writing extra blogs.  I always have a large amount of doggy wisdom to share with my "pups".  However, my human who suffers from chronic pain does not always feel like sitting at the laptop.  She has discovered that she can type on her Kindle even while lying down.  Yeah, I know she should have discovered this fact faster, but she is human. As all dogs know, humans are not smart.  In fact, this is the subject of today's blog entry.  I wonder if our humans realize just how humiliating it is for us when the humans use "baby talk". For example, just this morning, my human was talking to me.  Did I hear "how are you this lovely day!  No, I heard  "Demon is my good boy" and "how is my handsome boy today".   I know she means well, but it is still insulting for a dog of my genius!  However she does feed me delicious human food so I will  allow her to get by withi it.  Besides, I love my humans.

Demon Flash Bandit  (Embarassed Dog)

Human Poop is Valuable

A recent article in the Washington Post reports that scientists have discovered that there is treasure in human poop.  It takes human scientists forever to come to the conclusion that dogs have known for centuries.  Why do you think dogs are so fascinated with poop.  We take the gold and silver from the poop And we trade it for bones.  You might have seen the reality show on the subject: Pawn Poop.  It is about a family of dogs who operate a pawn shop which buys interesting poop.  I have no idea why the humans are eating gold and silver, I would guess that they also have no idea why they are eating precious metals either.  However, I do think it explains why humans are always complaining about 

th/ e high cost of groceriesIfI

Demon Flash Bandit (Poop is Valuable):) km

Ode To Humans

I love my humans, and I decided it was high time I wrote one of my spectacular poems in honor of all those dog loving humans.

ODE TO HUMANS

Dogs love our humans and though we are in charge
Humans need to know our love for them is large
 They feed us- preferably people food
If they feed us kibble, that is considered rude.
(At least in this dog's opinion)

We love to share our humans couch and also their bed.
Both are nice to lie on after our tummies are fed
Humans are nice- be they athletic or nerd
The best thing about humans is that there are not birds.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Poet)

Vegetables: No Thank You

Angel Zoom Smokey has decided to give up her life of leisure to pursue a career. She has been sending her resume to local restaurants.  Of course, they are clamoring to get an employee like her who specializes in washing dishes.  I've got to admit that she is an expert in her field.  Even mechanical dishwashers can't compare to her expertise.  The only problem is that she won't take a job at any restaurant unless it serves only meat.  William gave her some chicken soup, and she loved the broth and chicken, but there was a pea in the soup.  Very much like the  princess in that Princess and the Pea story, Angel had no use for the pea.  In fact, she left the pea on her plate, and then she took her paw and catapulted it across the room.  I thought it was hilarious, and I am proud of her.  She said vegetables are bad for dogs.  Angel has learned so much from me!

Demon Flash Bandit (Angel Learned her Wisdom From Me)

Time to Text

I just heard about a cool new invention that will change a dog's life for the better.  The humans are taking credit for it, but my guess is that it was really invented by a dog.  It is a new refrigerator that can send texts.  This means that a dog can have all the food he wants in the refrigerator just by sending a text with his paw.  Kibble will be obsolete.  Why would a dog eat kibble when he can have steak?  Now if only Burger King would start delivering to a dog, life would be good!

Demon Flash Bandit (Texting for Better Food)

I Would Like to Work at Burger King

William went shopping today, and Mommy told him to bring us hamburgers for dinner which he  did.  I love having Mommy watch out for me.  They were delicious.  However, it did remind me that I have applied for a job at Burger King.  I know it doesn't pay enough, but it is dog's work yet they won't hire dogs to work there.  I am hoping my Harvard educated dog pal, Whitley, will represent my discrimination suit in court.   I am sure she will be glad to help me if she isn't busy with the Confederate battle flag on Texas license plates case.  If I were the judge, that would be a no brainer.  History is history.  I don't like humans who take part in dog fighting, but it goes on.  If you bury your head in the sand to forget, it still happens.  I think remembering the mistakes of history keeps the humans from repeating those mistakes.

Demon Flash Bandit ( Dog Who Isn't Working at BK)

Demob Flash Bandit: Crime Stopping Doh

Sunday night I happened to observe my hunans' crazy ritual.  Every week, on Sunday night my stupid humans take big Glad flexible bags outside and put them in a big plastic thing with wheels which they call a garbage can.  I have no idea why they do it, but they do.  Angel Zoom Smokey and myself have discussed this sItuation many times.  Neither of us approve of the great  items they put in the bag.  Sometimes they put my entire collections in there.  I had a stash of little ice cream sundae cups under the couch, and the humans threw them in the garbage when they found them.  Those containers still smelled of vanilla ice cream, and they brought back wonderful memories.  I had planned to dig some holes in the spring, plant them, and grow more ice cream.  I decided being an ice cream farmer would be an honorable profession.  My dreams were shattered by the human's stupidity.

Sunday night, William left the garbage bag alone while he went to get a second bag.  I am a resourceful dog so I peed on it.  I hope the garbage picker uppers smell the bag and leave it alone.  That bag is mine- I marked it!

Demon Flash Bandit (Stopping Crime One Bag at a Time)