Special Order Pizza Should be on the Regular Menu

I am going to start this blog by sharing a link with my readers:
http://mom.me/little-kid/13087-kids-adorable-letters-tooth-fairy/item/bring-home-bacon/?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl29%7Csec1_lnk2%26pLid%3D494504

For those who don't have time or inclination to go to this site (and I know it is a traumatizing thought that you are leaving the Demon Flash Bandit blog), a child lost a tooth.  The child leaves a note for the tooth fairy which says:
Dear Tooth Fairy,
I love money and all, but may I have a pack of bacon instead?
Love,

Am I the only one who thinks a dog is behind this note?  Perhaps the family dog wrote it hoping the tooth fairy would leave bacon that the child can share with the dog; or better yet, give all of it to the dog.  I have already been on the telephone with my human's dentist asking him to save me all the teeth he pulls from the older humans.  The older humans don't get money from the tooth fairy.  That money is just for kids and (I'm assuming) dogs.  Therefore the older humans don't ask for the teeth back, and I can take home the ones that are available.Then I can ask for bacon.  I'm just sorry I didn't think of it sooner.  I wonder if Kevin Bacon asked the tooth fairy for bread, mayo, tomatoes, and lettuce.  Many of the humans love a BLT sandwich, but as far as this dog is concerned, I like a sandwich with just bacon--no bread, no mayo, no tomatoes, or lettuce---just delicious, mouth watering BACON!!!

This reminds me of the time I called Dominoes and ordered a pizza,.  I asked for a ham, bacon, and extra cheese pizza without the sauce or the crust.  The pizza place acted like I was crazy.  I think they are crazy for not having that on the menu.  It should not be a special order because I know lots of dogs that would prefer only those 3 items on the pizza.

Demon Flash Bandit (I Want Pizza-Hold the "Pizza)

Demon Flash Bandit: Treasure Hunter

Imagine my surprise and elation to find an ancient treasure map in a book I bought at a garage sale.  It was written by a famous pirate dog named Red Tail.  The humans, as usual, passed up his book because they do not realize how important he was in dog history.  This is why I always go to garage sales.  Most dogs don't bother to attend garage sales  because they assume that the humans don't have anything worth selling since they throw all their most valuable stuff away.  I can understand that way of thinking.  Why go to a sale if you think the human is only selling junk when you could be home taking a nap?    I got home and this book by Red Tail (entitled Red Tail's Treasures) was not only interesting reading since it included his many adventures which were well worth reading.  One of his adventures involved killing a  whole island full of birds which makes him my hero.  He is very much like the dogs I read about in a recent news story that had been killing (and probably eating) some endangered terns on Disappearing Island in Florida.  I might add an editorial comment at this point about how, in my opinion, all birds should be on the endangered species list because that is where they belong.  However, instead of "protecting" them, the humans should be trying to eradicate them!  Stupid humans!!!!  Anyway, despite the exciting adventures in the book, the best thing was that he included a treasure map so that a dog could follow the map and find his buried treasure.  I have already dug up the treasure so, at this point, I can share the map with my readers.  You didn't think I would share it if I didn't already have the treasure in my paws, did you?  I'm a dog--not a human, so I'm not stupid.  Here is what it said, and I have translated it from pirate into English:


Ahoy Matey Dogs, (Hi Dog Pals)

Argh Argh, I have a treasure that is more precious than gold.  (My treasure is more valuable than gold.)  I have buried it in a place that none but the devil and me can find it. (My treasure can only be discovered by myself or Demon Flash Bandit.)   Take 3 paces past the tree that I marked with my unique smell.  (Go 3 feet past the tree on which I peed.)  You will find a rock that has a picture I scratched of a bird dying.  (I couldn't resist drawing a nice picture on a rock.)  Take 5 paces past the rock, and you will find a pile of sticks.  (I piled up some sticks to play with so I'll have something to do while retrieving my treasure.  ( Go 5 feet to a pile of sticks I plan to play with later.)  Take 5 paces to the left, and you will see a giant X that marks the spot.  (Go 5 feet to the left and you will see a giant X spray painted on the ground.)  Use front paws to dig up the treasure.  (Start digging.)  Instead of all that trouble, I just went to the back yard and looked for the X.  I have napping to do so I don't want to waste time with silly hunting.

When I got to the treasure, I must tell you that I must be the luckiest dog in the world!  It is full of real bones, dingo bones, milkbones, bacon, dog toys, and all sorts of thing a dog loves.  It even has a get out of baths card that can be used whenever a dog needs it.

The point of this blog is that sometimes a dog has to stay awake and go to some garage sales in order to get treasures!  I hope you find treasure too!

Demon Flash Bandit (Treasure Hunter)

Tyrannasaurus Tex

Angel Zoom Smokey's favorite food in the world is chicken.  Yesterday she was outside in the yard digging a hole.  I asked her why she was digging the hole.  She said she is going to plant some eggplant because she wants to grow some chickens.  I genuinely don't think that is how you get chickens, but it does sound logical so I can't argue with her thinking.  I wonder what you have to plant to get hamburgers because I can use some of them.  I guess I will have to look through some seed catalogs to see what I need to plant to get them.  I hope this does not make Angel a vegetarian because I am against dogs being vegetarians.  I say dogs are meat eaters like the great and mighty tyranasaurus rex.  In fact, I have a pal who is a dinosaur of that persuasion.  He lives in Texas and is called Tyranasurus Tex.

Demon Flash Bandit (Farmer Demon)

Dog Included in Yearbook

Hold the applause....I am back writing another diary entry.  Never mind, I love applause so clap as much as you like!

Today's subject is something I saw on the Internet that I liked a lot.  There is a young human girl who has occasional seizures so she has a "service" dog that goes to school with her. I know this happens everyday with many people because there are many service dogs doing valuable tasks for the humans.  What makes this story different is the intelligence and good taste of the school yearbook staff.  They included the dog's picture next to hers in the yearbook.  This did my heart good.  After all, the dog was attending classes everyday with the human so the dog was also getting bored by the teachers, and probably helped a lot of the other kids get through the day.  I think Taxi is a very lucky dog to be in the yearbook.  I wonder.....are dogs allowed to sleep in class.  If so, I could go to school myself.  I get A's on naptime report cards.

http://time.com/2860417/service-dog-gets-his-own-photo-in-the-middle-school-yearbook

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Gets His Due)G

A Dog's Job is to Kill Birds

Occasionally a dog sees some good news on the Internet.  Today I am referring to a story about Disappearing Island in Florida.  There are some rare terns (a bird species) that are on the island.  Scientists and birdologists think that there were some dogs running free on the island who are responsible for the birds dying.  They are trying to locate the humans who let the dogs run loose and they face possible prosecution.  As usual, I am shocked that they aren't hunting for the dogs to present them with a medal.  If you ask me, those are heroic dogs who should be admired by the rest of us dogs.  They are responsible for a lot of bird deaths.  Obviously those were dogs who regularly read my blog..  I doubt if there is even one dog who is upset over this news item.  Even my own human said it was sad that so many birds died.  I barked at her and told her it is a good thing.   Humans....no matter how much wisdom their dogs bark at them, they are still stupid!  Here is the link for those who want to read the article:

http://www.news-journalonline.com/article/20140619/NEWS/140619373/1040?p=1&tc=pg

Continue to pay no attention to the humans....kill birds just like those heroic dogs in Florida!  I wish my humans would let me run free to kill birds!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dogs Are Supposed to Kill Birds)

Monster Boo Boo

From what I've seen on the Internet today, the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo show is going to be changed to  Here Comes Monster Boo Boo.  I must admit that I do not watch the show, and I am definitely not a fan.  I do not understand why this kid is in beauty contests when my paw is cuter than she is.  Of course, I'm sure my readers already know this fact and are wondering why I don't enter my paw into a beauty pageant.  I don't want the humans to feel bad when they lose to a dog's paw.  The humans have enough ego problems as it is.

I will admit I did watch one episode of the show just to be fair because, as a dog movie and television critic, I have to evaluate all shows.  After one episode, I had enough of watching it.  It wasn't a good show.  Little Alana is not a sweet, cute child, and if the humans can't understand why she is turning out badly, then they are lacking in common sense.  If my human Grandmother was alive (Mommy's mom) she would have dubbed them "white trash", and never have watched the show either.  In fact, most of the humans in their generation (depression and WW2) would not have had much patience for the show.  What did Alana do that was so horrible?  She hit her mother on national television.  I find this humorous for so many reasons.  Parents are told not to spank their children, and how is that working out for them?  Not well, from this dog's observation.  Children are children and need to be guided by adults--not the other way around.  Of course, all the humans need the guidance of their dogs, but that is just a fact that everyone knows.  By the way, Mama dogs do get onto their puppies when the puppies are out of line.  Perhaps Mama June needs a lesson in how to be a good mother from a dog.  If a puppy gets too far out of line, the humans can even put the dog down.  Is that fair?  The humans can use capital punishment on a dog, but Honey Boo Boo is still alive and well and doing her own show.  I think that the world needs to be taken over by us dogs before the humans mess it up any more than it already is.

Meanwhile, if you don't care for Honey Boo Boo, quit watching her show.  As long as humans watch, it will continue to be on the air, and Honey Boo Boo will never learn to behave.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who is Not a Fan of Honey Boo Boo)

I Never Poop--It is Beneath Me

I have been writing my blog for years now, and I seldom confess to my readers that I have any faults and I have many.  Just ask my fellow dog and roommate, Angel Zoom Smokey, who did not make a computer heist and write this blog today.  First and foremost, despite what I say, I do poop.  This is because there is even a book called Everybody Poops.  I have always said the book is Everybody Poops Except Demon Flash Bandit, but the scientific fact is that everyone does, indeed, poop.  Angel Zoom Smokey has been telling everyone that for years; and I have always denied the truth; but, alas, as usual, she is right!  In fact, Angel Zoom Smokey is always right about everything.  I should be nicer to her and give her the first crack at all treats.  In fact, she deserves all of them, and I should go without!


What the dog?  I don't remember starting this blog, but I guess I must have started it before my last nap.  I guess I could proofread what I wrote; but since I wrote it, I'm sure it is brilliant and does not need to be proofread.  Speaking of naps, I was just having a nice dream about how I was put in charge of running the world because of my genius and my ability to negotiate with the humans.  My first order was to kill all the stupid birds.  Then the world became a wonderful, happy place for everyone (except the birds of course).  I love it when I have such good dreams.  If only it could become a reality and a dog could walk outside without fear of being hit by a "bird bomb".  I hate bird poop.  Birds should be like me and not poop!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Does Not Poop)