Who Speaks Canary?

I recently wrote a blog entitled Stupid Face Squirrel, which is about Phinegus Fitzgerald Argyle Tiberius Caesar Fitzpatrick IV, who I have dubbed Stupid Face.  In my blog, I hinted that acorns might have some drug like qualities similar to cocaine judging from the behavior ot the average squirrel.  I'm sure those of you that may have doubted my conclusion have since watched some squirrels and know that I am right.  Those little varmints act like small cocaine addicts.  I decided to do some further research so I called 911 to report Stupid Face's suspicious behavior which did not bring any authorities out to see for themselves. Evidently, a dog is ridiculous for calling an emergency number to report a squirrel.  Therefore, a dog has to take matters into his own paws and fix things himself.  I caught Stupid Face, and I detained him on the deck in the back yard while I "grilled" him.  Okay, I admit that I used a grill so Stupid Face would know that this dog means business.  I hooked up some flashlights on him, and turned on the porch lights.  Stupid Face would spill the "acorns" or my name isn't Demon Flash Bandit.  Stupid Face sang like a canary, but that is the one bird language that I can't speak.  I recorded it and I"m trying to locate a dog who speaks canary.

Demon Flash Bandit (Grilling Squirrel Meat is Fun)

Demon Flash Bandit: Human Trainer

I was just reading a book, and it was about how to train dogs.  This book is stupid as are most of the dog training books.  They are written by humans and what do they know about training a dog?  Nothing--which is what the humans know about basically everything.  If you want a book that tells you how to train a dog, you need a book written by a dog which is why I have written my own dog training book called, How to Train a Stupid Human.  Yes, I know that training the humans is frustrating and takes a lot of time.  Ultimately, the time spent is worth it because even the dumbest of humans is capable of being trained if a dog does not give up.

Demon Flash Bandit (Human Trainer)

Stupid Face Squirrel

There is a suspicious looking squirrel in my back yard.  To be fair, I think there is more than one squirrel because they all look alike to me.  Anyway, this particular squirrel who goes by the name of Phinegus Fitzgerald Argyle Tiberius Caesar Fitzpatrick  IV--or as he is known around my bedroom, Stupid Face.  Angel Zoom Smokey has a simpler name-Breakfast.  Angel is a realist.  Stupid Face (what I will call him on this blog) has been observed fraternizing with birds so I don't trust him.  If being friendly with birds and climbing up into trees with them isn't bad enough, am I the only dog who has observed that squirrels act like human crack addicts?  If you haven't noticed, just watch them.  They run around aimlessly in circles, and then they stand up like they are trying to reach something that isn't there.  Then they act paranoid and start looking around like the police just drove up and know where their stash is hidden.   I'm surprised the humans haven't observed this behavior and checked to see if there are any "cocaine" like properties in acorns.  I'm assuming that this has become a guarded secret among the squirrels because the last thing they need is for the humans to start harvesting their acorns before they have a chance at them.  Although seeing a bunch of humans hanging out around an oak tree waiting for their "drug of choice" to fall would be bark out loud funny.  In fact, a couple of days ago, I saw Stupid Face fall out of a tree so you know he was high on something.  I'm sure the stone I hit him with had nothing whatsover to do with him falling.  Upon falling out of the tree, Angel Zoom Smokey started singing a song she wrote,  "Give me a break, give me a break, break me off a piece of that Stupid Face".  Stupid Face did not seem to appreciate the musical rendition so he went running to another tree (opium limb--you know they have to be on more drugs than just acorns).   This is when I realized that they are not only in league with birds, but with space aliens who, incidentally, are also on acorns.  Why do you think they came here?  It is to get their acorn supply.  This is why you have to kill all birds because they have evil friends. 

Demon Flash Bandit (Never Trust Stupid Face Squirrel)

Movie Review: GI Joe: Retaliation

This is the sequel to the original GI Joe movie which is a movie that is based on the GI Joe toy action figures.  This movie stars Dwayne Johnson, D.J. Cotrona (I'm sure he chose the name, D.J. because that was one of the dogs names who played Demon in Snow Dogs),  and Channing Tatum.  This movie continues the story where the first movie left off.  The GI Joe base is attacked and only 3 survive.  Hoping the entire GI Joe team has been eliminated, the President (who is actually Zartran), is on a scheme to "take over the world".  I think this is what happens when Zartran's parents allowed him to watch too many episodes of the cartoon, Pinky and the Brain.  If you ask this dog's opinion, Zartran does not have even half of Brain's intelligence.  This movie is an okay movie particularly if you enjoyed playing with GI Joe action figures as a child or even now.  You humans aren't fooling this dog--I know a lot of adults still play with toys.  However, I have always found bones more fun to chew, and my squeaky toys are far superior to the silly action figures who would be more interesting if they were dogs.  I have to give this movie 2 paws up, and that is about it.  It would be a 5 1/2 out of 10 on the human movie scale.  I would not discourage the humans from seeing it.  Most humans don'/t have a dog's good taste anyway.

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Critic)

Sharing the Story of a Good Zombie!

I know that most zombie stories do not have good endings, but this one does.  A zombie in New York City named Jeremy Zelkowitz (22 years old) saw a cat darting in and out of traffic.  The cat, who was rescued by Zelkowitz, and sent by cab to BluePearl Veterinary Clinic had a microchip that showed that the cat is named Disaster, and he  belonged to Jimmy Hellisen.  It turns out that Disaster had been missing for 2 years.  It is nice to see a good story involving a zombie for a change.  Sure, it would have been a happier story if he had rescued a dog, but a cat is a nice start.  Here is the link for those who want to read this story for themselves:

Demon Flash Bandit (Sharing a Good Zombie Story)

Demon Flash Bandit: Drafted by the NFL

I have been invited to play on the NFL so naturally, as soon as the invitation arrived, I had to let my blog readers know about my good fortune.  As you can imagine, I am super excited to be invited to play in the league.  It is every dog's dream to be asked to play on the National Furry League!  We dogs just can't resist the applause of the humans when we run out on the field  to play with the other dogs.  Some breeds like the Chinese Crested do not think it is fair because they aren't considered furry enough to play in the NFL. However, NFL does have furry in the title, and Chinese Crested  don't have near as much fur as the average dog.  Life is not always fair.   I have already informed my humans that no baths will be given before I play because they would compromise my furriness, and I don't like baths anyway.  I hope the game is soon because I am very excited over the prospect of running onto the field and shaking my furry butt for the humans.

Demon Flash Bandit (Drafted by NFL-National Furry League)

Dead Birds: Hopeful Sign!!!

I've written many times in past blogs about birds being evil, and this time I have proof.  Archaelogists have unearthed the gate to Hades, and it is in Turkey.  Personally, I don't think it is a mere coincidence that a country named after a bird would have the gates to the afterlife.  Plutonium or Pluto's Gate is a small cave near the temple of Apollo.  There are "vapors" coming out of the cave, that have killed many birds who try to enter the cave.  I think this shows that even "bad things" can have good outcomes.  Dead birds are a good start.  Maybe it will kill off some of those annoying squirrels too.  We dogs can hope!!!

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing th