I have written a couple of blogs about having the Queen of England come here to mow my grass. I have been waiting for a reply, and it has finally arrived. Jeff brought the mail in today and there was a letter from the Queen. Two days from my first blog offering her a job until I get a reply in the mail---and people complain about the post office being slow. I was particularly impressed with the Sunday delivery. I am glad I offered the Queen an odd job to make some extra money. The Daily Show said the royal family was having to make cutbacks, but sending the letter on a napkin from McDonalds made me realize just how badly they need the money. I do think the embossed clown wearing a crown at the top of the napkin was a nice touch. I plan to start a collection of letters I receive from celebrities. The royal stationary alone is worth saving. I have had some people tell me that it might not be an official letter from the Queen since it is on a McDonalds napkin, but I'm sure those people are just jealous that I would be getting personal mail from the Queen. I have decided to share the letter with you so that you can see that the Queen is unquestionably pawtastic.
This is the Queen of England and I'm a big fraking fan. I happened to read your blog post the other day about paying me to mow your yard. Thanks so much for the offer because I can really use the money. I would like you to know that if time allows, I would love to mow your yard, you handsome young pup. Meeting you would be one of the highlights of my life--well above the birth of Charles (have you seen him--I thought he might fly away when he was a baby?) and my marriage to that man--I forget his name--ah yes, James Cromwell). I might add that I am very proud of my husband's role in the movies, Babe and Star Trek First Contact. He did a pretty decent job playing my husband (Prince Sylvester Stallone) in the movie, The Queen.
I've been swamped between listening to cds of MC Hammer (What's the time? It's Hammer time.), dipping Krispy Kreme dougnuts into my tea, rescuing small children who get lost in Charles' ears, and picking my nose while singing Green Sleeves. (That nose picking while singing is a royal tradition that dates back to Henry VIII.) I've also been playing ice hockey with my bros. My bros are: William Shatner, The Pope, Ron Jeremy, Greg the Bunny, Bo Obama, Snoop Dogg, and if you would come to England for a visit, you and Angel Zoom Smokey.
I've also been catching up on some movies with my fellow royal pains in the arse family members. Charles enjoyed Inception so much that I had to change his diaper. I also saw Despicable Me, and my husband, (Arnold Schwartzenaggar or however you spell his name) squealed and cried through the entire movie like a little girl or that pig in Babe. The management would have thrown us out had I not been the Queen. It is good to be the Queen.
On that subject, I just wanted to let you know that I enjoyed your last post so much that I actually pooped myself. I read the post to my husband, Prince Mel Gibson (who screamed like a crazy person which I think he is) also pooped his pants upon hearing your blog post. That being said, my husband, Prince Bruce Willis, often poops his pants so that is no guarantee that your blog is good, but it is. I think so and if anyone doesn't like it, I will yell "off with their heads" which will do no good, but it will make me feel better about my job. Charles was not allowed to hear your blog due to him being low on diapers after seeing the movie, Inception. He is also not allowed to make fudge due to an unfortunate mix up one Christmas. As you can see, we are a royally classy family.
I frakin love you Demon. I am sorry about the delay in mowing your grass. I enjoyed having you say, "Queen Lady, the grass isn't getting any shorter"--wiser words have never been uttered. I called Cambridge and asked them to give you a job as a professor of agriculture due to your observation that grass does not get shorter. It had never occurred to me, and Cambridge was very impressed with your wisdom. It had not occurred to them either. I have to call the head Cambridge dude from teaching his graduate class of fingerpainting to tell him about you. Sadly, Oxford is mad at me for not calling them first. By the way, if you ever need some expert fingerpainters, be sure they have that Phd in fingerpainting from a good university. Charles got his clown degree there and look at how well he has done....uh oh .....never mind. He is still living at home spending millions of dollars trying to prove unicorns and Big Foot are best buds. He is special. One day when he takes over the country, the national anthem is going to be changed to Charles in Charge, and England will be doomed--let's hope the United States takes over then. The U.S. would be better than being taken over by Romania since we don't want to have to walk around all the time wearing garlic to ward off the vampires.
Thanks so much for your kind offer of work. Having to cut the budget by $4,000,000 is not easy as anyone can understand. Most people never have to cope with such a serious financial cut particularly when we have to buy Q-tips by the truck load to clean out Charles ears. I will be there to mow as soon as I can....as I said, I love you Demon Flash Bandit and I think you should sell your photo and pawtograph on your blog!!!!
Love, Da Queen of England
As you can see, this letter has to be legitimate. Who else would know and share such intimate heart warming family details. If fact, I could have been quite happy had she not shared so much of it (like the fudge incident). NOTE TO SELF: Never eat fudge if you are visiting the Queen. I hope that by sharing this letter, you have gotten a glimpse of life for the Queen and the royal family and I look forward to meeting them. I wonder when she comes to mow if she is going to bring her husband (Orlando Bloom) with her.
Demon Flash Bandit (Sharing a Letter from the Queen of England)