Thursday, July 29, 2010

Gator Bed Bugs

I have been reading on the news about the recent infestation of bed bugs at some hotels in the United States. Bed Bugs are the human equivalent of fleas, and I have to tell you that I have yet to meet a dog who liked a flea. They are annoying little parasites that are probably related to birds. The whole problem with bed bugs is that the humans don't have a product like Frontline to zap those nasty bed bugs, and they would look so silly walking around with bed bug collars around their necks. Of course, if the collars could be made into jewelry that is decorative enough, many of the humans would wear it. However, if these products even existed, it would not really solve the whole bed bug problem any more than dogs using products like these have eradicated fleas from the Earth. However, there is no need for despair, as usual, Demon Flash Bandit has a simple and easy answer to this whole problem. Since most of the problem seems to be that the bugs are brought here from other places, the solution is in keeping them from reaching the shores of the United States in the first place. Because people in the United States do not like to use chemicals on bugs anymore than necessary, you have to get to the problem in the beginning. Before I get to that, there will be a quick history lesson so that you can understand how I came to my conclusion about going after bed bugs.

Many years ago, the United States was inhabited by Americans. These are the people who belong to such groups as Sons and Daughters of the Pre-Revolutionary Americans, and The Sons and Daughters of Those Who Met the Pilgrims at their Boat. The Pilgrims, and later other people from Europe came to the United States (which only had 3 states at that time---happy, sad, and bored) to enjoy a leisurely vacation cruise (they came on ships so it was the original cruise line vacation). The glitch in this arrangement was that the Europeans brought small pox with them, and caused a major problem which actually killed many of the Americans at that time. If Demon Flash Bandit had been around at that time, I would have used my bed bug method and there would never have been a small pox epidemic.

I know you are curious now....I know most of you are thinking, Demon Flash Bandit, what is your method? My method is to fumigate every person visiting the United States at the airport before they step off the plane. Sure, a couple of dogs have asked me, isn't this exposing the people to hazardous chemicals unnecessary. My answer is: this is a war against bed bugs and you have to get them before they get you. I would not be surprised if birds caused the whole problem and those bed bugs are their relatives. (I think they are related to fleas too.) This means that war on birds should be declared. I have been declaring it since I was a puppy--it is about time the humans listen to my wisdom. Sure, there will be some humans who are against my plan. Don't listen to them. They will say that you shouldn't douse people coming from a foreign country and that includes U. S. citizens who have been abroad (bugs do not ask your citizenship) with deadly chemicals. I understand their point, but how else do you get rid of those horrible bed bugs? This dog sleeps in bed with my humans and what if they mutate and start going after dogs too? If they hang around in the sewers in New York City very long, they might intermarry with those alligators that were flushed down the toilets, and then you would have a hard to kill bug with giant teeth. This dog does not want to wait to see that happen. Besides, that is the purpose of the history lesson. If the Americans had doused the Pilgrims and other early vacationers with deadly chemicals, they might still be alive today even if they would be kind of old. Of course, since they knew the location of the Fountain of Youth, they would probably be younger than my Mommy. For those of you who don't want to heed the wisdom of Demon Flash Bandit, when you wake up bitten by a bed bug, don't say I didn't warn you in time.

Demon Flash Bandit (Watching Out for the Humans--as Usual)

1 comment:

  1. AND, as usual, I bet they won't akht upon your pawesome suggestion/idea!