Goldie and the Three Dogs

Once upon a time there was a little blond human girl who was wandering through the forest. She was in the forest because she was such a brat that when she went out to play, her parents moved away. They had a mobile home so they took the home with them leaving her homeless.

Meanwhile a family of 3 super nice dogs decided to leave their house and go for a walk. Goldie (that was the girl's name) found the house and the let herself in. As I said, she never followed proper protocol--she didn't even knock. She was hungry and she saw some food on the table. She tried the first dish, and she thought it was too spicy. (It was the Daddy Dog's dinner.) Then she tried the second dish, and it was too plain. (It was the Mommy Dog's dinner.) Finally she tried the third dish, and it was just right so she ate all of it. (It was the Puppy's dinner.)

Then she decided to watch television. She watched the one in the living room which was the one the Daddy Dog liked to watch. It's volume was too loud. Then she tried the one in the master bedroom which the Mommy dog liked to watch, and she could barely hear it. Then she tried the one in the Puppy's bedroom and it was just right--so she loaded it on a cart to take with her.

Then she decided to take a nap. The Daddy Dog's Bed was too big. The Mommy Dog's bed was also too big, and the Puppy's bed was just right so she took a nap and then loaded it on the cart along with the television.

The dogs came home from their walk and they noticed that their stuff had been tampered with, and the Puppy was very upset because all his stuff was gone. The dogs called the police, and they found Goldie trying to pawn the Dog Family's stuff and now Goldie is serving a prison sentence for being a thief.

Finally, a good fairy tale told from the point of view of a family of dogs!

Demon Flash Bandit (Crime Does Not Pay)

Work for Unemployed Spiders

Movie: The Mist: SPOILER ALERT:
Last night Mommy and I watched the movie, The Mist. Normally, I think that most movies would be improved with the addition of more dogs or an all dog cast. This is one of those movies that is an exception to that rule. There is a "mist" that comes into a town. It is dangerous to go out into the mist because there is something that turns out to be giant bugs and spiders that happens to be killing many of the people who go into the mist. I'm sure the budget for the movie was increased since some of those spiders had starred in other movies--the giant spider from The Lord of the Rings Return of the King was in the movie as was smaller ones from Spiderman 1 (the one that bit Peter Parker), and Arachnophobia. I'm sure those watching the movie will remember them from those movies. I suppose it was good for the spiders since giant spiders don't have a lot of roles to fulfill in Hollywood so, when one comes along, they are glad to have the work. I doubt that a dog would want to star in The Mist because I know I would not take a role where I have to deal with a stupid spider. I don't even like mosquitoes that are "normal" size. If you enjoy insects particularly ones who are bigger than normal, you will love this movie. If you don't like insects, I would suggest you avoid watching this movie.

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Critic)

Corporate Greed--Not Global Concern

Some of the humans are concerned about global warming. This is a serious problem that might be fixed if only they listened to my words of wisdom and eradicated birds from the planet. Those little snow stealing varmints are the reason for global warming. Just think about it, what happens in spring when they start singing? The snow disappears. You don't honestly think it just vanishes, do you? It disappears because the birds steal it. I have mentioned this often, but the word is still not out in the human community. The humans think they can fix the problem by conserving and "going green" which brings me to today's topic. When companies "go green" how many of them are trying to help the planet (which can only be helped by getting rid of birds) or are they just using the whole concept to their advantage? Case in point: some hotels now don't wash the linens everyday because they are doing their part to conserve water and resources. Am I the only dog who thinks that they are being lazy and cheap? By cutting back on employees and the cost of laundering the linens, they save money. I know bedbugs are not caused by a lack of cleanliness, but it is an odd coincidence that when many hotels are not washing their linens as much, you start reading stories on the Internet about hotels having bedbugs? These bugs have all but disappeared for decades, and then suddenly, they are back. You know the bugs are lazy because they hang out in bed all day so getting rid of them shouldn't be that difficult. Probably all you need to do is offer them a job and they will be out of your life. Dirtier linens and possible bed bugs--not exactly a combination that makes a dog want to stay in a hotel.

Another corporate trend in the retail world is self check out in stores. Why would a human want to bother checking himself out so that the store can save money by cutting back on cashiers? It isn't even like they offer you a 1% discount for doing the work yourself or anything. You still pay the normal price, and the prices have not gone down in the stores that have them. The customer just gets the added work of checking out his or her own items. The humans will put up with most anything, won't they? My humans still go to the cashiers to check out. They said they will not be a part of adding more humans to the unemployment line so some family like the ones who own Walmart can buy another airplane. I am very proud of my humans because they think like dogs at times. I have trained them well.

Demon Flash Bandit (Corporate Greed is Not Good)

Gator Bed Bugs

I have been reading on the news about the recent infestation of bed bugs at some hotels in the United States. Bed Bugs are the human equivalent of fleas, and I have to tell you that I have yet to meet a dog who liked a flea. They are annoying little parasites that are probably related to birds. The whole problem with bed bugs is that the humans don't have a product like Frontline to zap those nasty bed bugs, and they would look so silly walking around with bed bug collars around their necks. Of course, if the collars could be made into jewelry that is decorative enough, many of the humans would wear it. However, if these products even existed, it would not really solve the whole bed bug problem any more than dogs using products like these have eradicated fleas from the Earth. However, there is no need for despair, as usual, Demon Flash Bandit has a simple and easy answer to this whole problem. Since most of the problem seems to be that the bugs are brought here from other places, the solution is in keeping them from reaching the shores of the United States in the first place. Because people in the United States do not like to use chemicals on bugs anymore than necessary, you have to get to the problem in the beginning. Before I get to that, there will be a quick history lesson so that you can understand how I came to my conclusion about going after bed bugs.



Many years ago, the United States was inhabited by Americans. These are the people who belong to such groups as Sons and Daughters of the Pre-Revolutionary Americans, and The Sons and Daughters of Those Who Met the Pilgrims at their Boat. The Pilgrims, and later other people from Europe came to the United States (which only had 3 states at that time---happy, sad, and bored) to enjoy a leisurely vacation cruise (they came on ships so it was the original cruise line vacation). The glitch in this arrangement was that the Europeans brought small pox with them, and caused a major problem which actually killed many of the Americans at that time. If Demon Flash Bandit had been around at that time, I would have used my bed bug method and there would never have been a small pox epidemic.



I know you are curious now....I know most of you are thinking, Demon Flash Bandit, what is your method? My method is to fumigate every person visiting the United States at the airport before they step off the plane. Sure, a couple of dogs have asked me, isn't this exposing the people to hazardous chemicals unnecessary. My answer is: this is a war against bed bugs and you have to get them before they get you. I would not be surprised if birds caused the whole problem and those bed bugs are their relatives. (I think they are related to fleas too.) This means that war on birds should be declared. I have been declaring it since I was a puppy--it is about time the humans listen to my wisdom. Sure, there will be some humans who are against my plan. Don't listen to them. They will say that you shouldn't douse people coming from a foreign country and that includes U. S. citizens who have been abroad (bugs do not ask your citizenship) with deadly chemicals. I understand their point, but how else do you get rid of those horrible bed bugs? This dog sleeps in bed with my humans and what if they mutate and start going after dogs too? If they hang around in the sewers in New York City very long, they might intermarry with those alligators that were flushed down the toilets, and then you would have a hard to kill bug with giant teeth. This dog does not want to wait to see that happen. Besides, that is the purpose of the history lesson. If the Americans had doused the Pilgrims and other early vacationers with deadly chemicals, they might still be alive today even if they would be kind of old. Of course, since they knew the location of the Fountain of Youth, they would probably be younger than my Mommy. For those of you who don't want to heed the wisdom of Demon Flash Bandit, when you wake up bitten by a bed bug, don't say I didn't warn you in time.



Demon Flash Bandit (Watching Out for the Humans--as Usual)