It must be lousy to be a human. I just finished checking out the worst Halloween candy you can eat (from a calorie standpoint), and then the best. I know other dogs who read this will not be surprised to learn that some of the same candy was on both lists. Both lists were on the same website. I have re-named this website-the insane health report. Sure, they don't know that they have been re-named, but the new name does fit. According to the site, the "best" candy is dum dums. Am I the only dog that suspects that the manufacturers of dum dums owns this site? I have talked to enough human puppies (and adult humans) to know that, although suckers are nice, they are not considered the Holy Grail of Halloween candy--they are the ones the neighbors who don't want to spend much money to give out. Yes, the bag of 1,000 suckers for $3.99 is hard to pass up particularly if you are cheap. Sure, I like them, but even dogs know there is better candy than dum dums. Look at the brand name. The company doesn't even bother to come up with a decent name for them like Great Licks or Enjoy all Day--they call them dum dums. Dumb is not generally a word that you use when you are giving a compliment to someone so it is a stupid name for a product. I'm glad I'm not the ad agency that has to come up with a campaign for that candy. I seriously doubt they have an ad campaign. My guess is that the price sells the product. If I manage to sneak out trick or treating on Halloween, and you see it is me, make sure you give me the good stuff. It is okay to give dum dums to the little deadbeat human puppies, but this dog has standards!
As I'm sure you may have gathered from the previous paragraph, we dogs often doubt the sanity of the average human. Since it is nearing election time, this is even more clear than usual. Election time is always fun here in the United States. It is even more fun than usual because there is a new group, the Tea Party who has decided that everyone in the country hates what is going on. I myself ran for President last time, and I would never run for the Tea Party. First of all, I was never that fond of the story, Alice in Wonderland, and the Mad Hatter was insane so why would I want to join the Tea Party? Also, I'm not a big fan of tea, and the local tea parties are mostly for little girls and their teddy bears and dolls. The little girls usually dress up in frilly costumes. I'm a He-Man type dog and as such, I would not want to be found dressing in a silly costume (not even a He-Man costume), and drinking tea with an insane hatter. I hate hats too. I won't even get into the Davy Crockett hat my human dad bought me when I was a puppy. When you have to go to Hillbilly Village to find a hat for a dog, my suggestion is, don't. I know very few dogs who will like it, and thank dog I don't wear it. I would not want to have squirrels in the yard making fun of my hat!
Anyway, for those of you living in the United States, I would suggest you vote for my party, the Fur Party. The humans have made enough mistakes. Time to let us furs take over.
Demon Flash Bandit (Member of Fur Party)