Trees---This Dog Loves Them

Today I am going to discuss something near and dear to a dog's heart--trees. I have yet to meet a dog who didn't love trees. I might add that trees owe a lot to us dogs too because we never forget to water them. Trees give a dog shade in the summer, and provide sticks with which we can play. Most trees just kind of stand around in one spot and keep quiet, but there are trees like the ones in Lord of the Rings, who decide to move around and fight the villains. The only sad thing about trees is that birds use them which is not the fault of the trees. No self respecting tree wants to help a bird, but because most of them don't move around, the birds take advantage of the tree. Next time you are watering a tree, and you see a bird sitting on one of its branches, bark at it and try to get it to move. If the tree is the type of tree that can talk, it will thank you. If it can't talk, you know it appreciates your thoughtfulness.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Trees)

The Name's Bandit, Demon Flash Bandit

The name's Bandit--Demon Flash Bandit. I like my water shaken not stirred. I'm practicing for my new role as a secret agent. Since I know how to speak fluent bird, I have been chosen to be a secret agent. I know you might ask, why are you posting it on your blog where everyone can read it since it is supposed to be a secret? I know my readers won't tell the birds, and birds are illiterate. We are talking about a species that flies into glass doors and windows. If a species is dumb enough to die because they flew into a window, I think teaching them to read is hopeless. By the way, I have mentioned this fact to my humans, and so far, no birds are in danger from flying into the windows at my house. It seems my humans aren't overly worried about window cleaning no matter how much it would help in the epic battle against birds. I think the technical term for it is laziness. It isn't that I really care how clean the windows happen to be, but it would be cool to watch a bird meet his maker after flying into one. It is like stand up comedy for dogs--only I guess you would have to call it fly in comedy. But I digest or digress--I am proud to be chosen by the CIAB (Central Information Agency on Birds) to be at the forefront of the fight against the evil little snow stealers. When I hear them outside singing because they stole all my snow, it makes me want to take my paw and smack them. I only hope that we dogs can stop them before they take over the planet. For such a stupid species, they really have the humans fooled, but I guess it isn't that hard to fool the humans.

Demon Flash Bandit (Bandit, Demon Flash Bandit)

Thoughts a Dog Contemplates When Resting

Today I am going to share some of my thoughts with my readers so that you can see that, even when a dog is just sitting around, we are thinking of serious issues.

1. If dogs are on a raw diet, is that called Doggy sushi?

2. Are telemarketers humans who sell telephones and/or televisions?

3. Are cell phones meant only for use in prison cells?

4. When a human gets put into the dog house, does the dog who lives in that house get to move into the human's house? This does not apply to dogs like me who already live in the human's house.

5. How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie roll pop? Okay, I've been known to mention this frequently--can I help it is this dog likes candy?

6. If you eat a bone in the forest when no other dogs are around, will it still taste just as good?

7. At the sled race, Iditarod, in Alaska, why aren't the humans pulling the sled?

8. Why don't the humans put homeless humans in shelters and see if someone will "adopt" them like they do dogs? Wouldn't that solve the homeless problem?

9. Why aren't there more doggy interior decorators since our ideas are so much more interesting than that of human decorators? Have you ever seen a human decorator make paw prints a main motif for a room?

10. If dog food tastes so good and if it is so nutritious, why don't the humans eat it?

11. Why do the humans waste time planting grass and flowers and then get upset when we dogs dig them up? They know that it is what was are going to do, so why not just accept it and make life easier on themselves?

12. Why do humans assume dogs can't spell?

As you can see, I do a lot of thinking when the humans probably think I'm just resting. Most humans just don't understand the superior mental ability of the average dog.

Demon Flash Bandit (Serious Thinker)

How To Become a Successful Dog Artist

When I was a puppy, I got into some paint and painted my nose orange--yes just like the color I'm using for my blog today. The paint was non toxic craft paint so it didn't hurt me any, but my nose was orange for about a week. I might add that many people said I was adorable with an orange nose, which is a look that many humans just can't pull off. You might ask me what this story has to do with today's blog--it has everything to do with it. It shows that even as a puppy, I was interested in artistic expression, but I never thought I had the talent to be an actual artist until I saw some of the modern art in the museums. It was then that I realized that my dream of being an artist could be realized. I proceeded to buy a canvas and some paint. I put the canvas on the floor and then I dipped my paws into different color paint, and I then "painted" my modern art masterpiece.

For other dogs who think they might be interested in becoming artists, I have some advice for you which is particularly important for modern art masterpieces. It may look easy. It might even look like fun, but you do have to remember that there is more to it than just painting a canvas. I have to go to various art shows and events related to art, and I have to dress up--or dress like a bag dog--either extreme is okay. Then you have to give the impression that you disdain society in general, and are above it. Be sure and be critical as often as possible. Name the painting something philosophical so that the viewers will think the painting is representing something socially relevant. This is probably the most important thing to do---be sure and act like you are smarter than everyone else and that you hate to have to even bother to talk to anyone else. I have become so successful at modern art, that I bought some fake dog poop which I shaped into a cell phone, and I dubbed it, "the futility of communication". That little project should keep me in milkbones for several years. If you need any more advice on how to make it in the art world, just leave a comment. I'll do all I can to help you. I like to see others succeed too even though I can't admit that at art shows.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Artist)

Dogfucious Say: A Well Trained Human is a Good Human

I have been thinking that the big problem with training the humans is that a dog needs to start when they are human puppies. This is why I came up with a new plan for human training. There used to be a television show on for pre-school children called Romper Room. This show was on for many years, and I have decided that it was a wonderful way to train human puppies. Of course, I won't actually be using Romper Room since the show didn't do a good job of human training from a dog's perspective, but I think the idea can be modified so that human puppies can be trained by dogs from an early age--those early years are so important to the learning process.

The show will be called, Mushing Room, and this dog will be the trainer. I will be called Unc Demon or Uncle Demon because I think that sounds nicer than Mr. Demon. I will then train the human puppies to listen to their dog, do what the dog says, and to generally recognize the dog's superiority, and bow to that superiority. There will be a Do Flea on there. When a human puppy does something unacceptable to a dog, it will be time to call out the arch villain, Do Flea, who will bite the human puppy for being bad. Believe me, the human puppy will learn fast not to mess with the Do Flea.

Aside from training, the humans puppies and myself will play games, sing songs, and have fun. I have found that the humans learn better when they are entertained. I have to go now. I've got some serious napping to do if I have to stay awake and have the energy to take care of the human puppies.

Remember the wise words of Dogfucious: A well trained human is a good human!

Demon Flash Bandit (Human Puppy Trainer)

Fortune Cookies: Uncanny accuracy

I happen to be a big fan of cookies--oatmeal, peanut butter, vanilla wafers, etc. The one cookie that I not only enjoy eating, but that also gives me words of wisdom is the fortune cookie. The fortune cookie is delicious, and when you break it open, there is a small piece of paper with a "fortune" on it. In this case, the fortune is not referring to an actual treasure, but it tells a dog what a dog needs to know. Normally, I would be cynical about its accuracy, but I have to tell you that, after eating quite a few fortune cookies, this dog has a great respect for their wisdom. Last week, my cookie said, "People enjoy having you around. Appreciate this." Of course, it is true--the humans do enjoy having me around, but despite its obvious accuracy, I realized that it could just be a coincidence. Then today I got another cookie and the fortune said, "You are admired for your adventurous ways." Here I am writing a blog entitled, Adventures of a Lead Dog, and the cookie talks about how adventurous I am. Who would have thought a cookie could know so much? Anyway, I am now a firm believer in fortune cookies. In fact, I am wondering why you see advertisements for psychic hotlines and no ads for fortune cookie hotlines. Now I am getting worried that, once the humans see how accurate they are, they will buy up all the fortune cookies so that there won't be any left for this dog--and in addition to being accurate, they are also delicious! I think perhaps I should head for the store now to buy up all the ones on the shelf before the humans realize how wonderful they are. I would love to write more, but an important adventure has just come up. Until tomorrow.....

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Fortune Cookies)

Rabbit Hash, Kentucky--Town With My Seal of Approval

My topic for today is a small town in the United States known as Rabbit Hash, Kentucky. You might ask me why I chose to write about a small town in Kentucky as today's topic. The answer to that question would be-how many towns have a dog as their mayor? Yes, the town had the good sense to make Junior Cochran, a dog, their mayor. Sadly Junior has crossed over the bridge, and the present mayor is a dog named Lucy Lou. Despite the town being quite small, a documentary movie has been made about this town, Rabbit Hatch the Center of the Universe. The website for the movie is
http://www.rabbithashthemovie.com/
This is a movie that this dog would like to see so I am going to have to check into ordering it. Some towns are beginning to look like carbon copies of each other, it is nice that some towns keep their individuality. Rabbit Hash is definitely different. I have never personally had the opportunity to visit Rabbit Hash, but I think this dog would love it there. It looks like a super interesting place to see. For those who want to learn more about the town, the website is
http://rabbithashusa.com/index.php If you click on the various things on the left hand side of the screen, you can read more about the town. If you click "notions", you will see photos of the past and present dog mayors. I might add that elections in this town can be close. In the last election, the candidate running for mayor included 10 dogs, 1 cat, 1 opossum (I personally don't think an opossum would make a good mayor), 1 jackass, and 1 human. A dog won so that shows good taste among the 215% of residents casting their votes. The only thing that surprises me is that you would think with a name like Rabbit Hash, a rabbit would be running, but since hash is part of the name, the rabbits are probably running from the town because they don't want to be eaten. Anyway, any town that makes a dog a mayor has this dog's seal of approval. Visit the websites and visit the town. Tell them Demon Flash Bandit sent you. Again, they will have no idea who you are talking about, but tell them anyway. I love confusing the humans and it is so easy to do!

Demon Flash Bandit (Promoting Rabbit Hash, Kentucky)

Talking Toys

I don't mean to brag, but I am one lucky dog. I happen to own talking toys. Yes, my toys don't just sit around quietly, they talk. Some of them squeak, and some of them sing, and some of them make other sounds. I happen to like talking toys. I will admit that some of them quit talking after I play with them, but they were still talking toys when I started with them. I think this is why I got interested in learning other languages which has been instrumental in my discoveries about birds. Since learning their language, I know they are singing about taking a dog's snow and causing global warming, but that is not the topic for today's post. Today's post is about toys. Toys are important for a dog. I like to rip my toys apart--I refer to it as "surgery". There was this one black chicken which Mommy had to continually buy for me until the store quit carrying it because I loved to rip that toy apart. It turned out it was good training for how to treat birds in real life, but I really loved that black chicken. I used to rip it up and take its squeaky and carry it around the house with me. I became a real life dog squeaky toy and it was so cool. This dog always enjoys the toys that make noise the best, and if you are ever looking for a gift for a dog, noisy toys are always appreciated--as are dingo bones and Yummy Chummies. I hope my readers have a nice weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Talking About Toys)

Meet Me in Virtual World

This dog has been hanging out in a new virtual world that I find very enjoyable. This new "world" can be found at http://www.buildabearville.com/ . It just happens that Mommy's great niece and great nephew sent her a stuffed husky from the build a bear company, and that husky has been having fun adventures in buildabearville. You might ask if it is safe to be there, but the bears there are nice bears and wouldn't hurt a dog or a human. They aren't disgruntled bears who have humans taking over their territory. In fact, it is their world, and no humans can come there and move them to a new place. I'm sure that other dogs and humans would enjoy playing this game--particularly the younger humans. I have to admit, I have just been hanging around--I haven't started playing yet, but I will soon. A dog has to get to know everyone and get a feel for the town. Meet me at the cafe there--I could use a snack.

Demon Flash Bandit (Hanging Out in Virtual World)

Demon Flash Bandit Is Superdog

Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings with a single bound. Look up in the air, is it a bird? Is it is plane? No It's Superdog. In his alter identity of Demon Flash Bandit,mild mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper (The Livingston Press in Howell, MI), no one supects that he is actually Superdog. Superdog works to make sure that birds die, and what idiot asked if he was a bird? Does that person need glasses? Is Superdog going to have some kick some butt for calling him a bird? When a bird is dropping a bird bomb on an unsuspecting human Superdog will be there. When a bird is tweeting on Twitter about his latest plans for taking over the planet, Superdog will be there. When a bird impersonates a dog and tries to fit in, Superdog will be there. Whenever evil birds show their feathery faces, whenever they sing their evil songs, whenever they try to drop their bird bombs, you can depend on Superdog to be there to fight for truth, just ice (I do love cold things), and the doggy way. The next time you see Demon Flash Bandit, tell him that the world is lucky to have Superdog--but don't tell the bad guys about his alter identity because that would be dangerous!

Demon Flash Bandit (Superdog)

Doggy Dreaming

Since napping is a favorite past time of mine, I do enjoy a lot of dreams, and most of them are good. I often dream about a nice meal at Burger King or perhaps a good run without a leash. However, not all dreams are good so it does make a dog wonder if the humans realize how silly they sound when they talk like having their dreams come true would always be a good thing. I know we dogs tend to have good dreams, but the humans sometimes have nightmares, but they are still dreams. Who would want them to come true? Do the humans want some alien monster chasing them around in real life? I know the humans aren't as intelligent as us dogs, but I think even they have some sense. It would be nice if good dreams came true, but I do think it would be important to make sure that you specify--just in case the "Big Guy" is listening and decides to give you your heart's desire.

Since some of you might be wondering what kinds of things I dream about, I will tell you. Burger King burgers, Yummy Chummies, dingo bones, squeaky toys, tummy rubs, etc. This dog knows what matters in life, and those are the kinds of things that matter.

Demon Flash Bandit (Doggy Dreamer)

Scuba Diving Dog--Looking For Treasure

I have decided that this dog should take up a new hobby, Scuba diving. I am not sure if there are already scuba diving dogs or not, but if I am the first, then I would be proud to lead the way for other dogs to follow. You might wonder why I have this sudden interest in scuba diving. I have been watching some television shows, and did you know that sometimes there is treasure just sitting around the water waiting for an enterprising dog to find it? In 1985, Mel Fisher (he is a human--not a dog) found the Atocha, a ship that was filled with 450 million dollars worth of treasure. I have to admit that it isn't useful treasure like a ship filled with Yummy Chummies, Milkbones, or Burger King burgers, but the humans love things that sparkle so they will pay lots of money for gold, silver, and gems, which a dog can then take to buy more practical things like BK, dingo bones, and squeaky toys. I'm sure that with a dog's superior sense of smell, it can only be useful when trying to find sunken treasure. I have to check and see if I can get dog scuba gear online. If my humans are reading this, don't get any funny ideas about having me wear clothing any other time--I will only wear what is necessary to breathe underwater. By the way, for those of you that might enjoy looking at things that sparkle, check out the website, http://www.melfisher.com/ There is also a museum dedicated to the treasure in Key West, FL. The museum probably doesn't allow dogs, but be sure and tell them that Demon Flash Bandit sent you--they won't know who I am, but it will be fun for them to wonder about it. If you haven't noticed by now, this dog does have a sense of humor.

Demon Flash Bandit (Scuba Diving Dog)

Success or Failure Can Depend on Spelling

Since the weather is getting warmer, this dog is getting a bit too warm. You can imagine how happy I was when I saw the product, Kool-Aid, advertised since I could use a product that would help keep a dog cool. You can imagine my frustration when I got the product home and discovered that it does little to keep a dog cool unless you put ice in it and pour it all over yourself, which is way too much like a bath for this dog's taste. In fact, I could get just as cool just pouring ice water over myself without the kool-aid. I decided that this was an obvious case of false advertising so I decided to talk to my doggy lawyer, Phineas P. Pitbull about suing the Kool-Aid company. It seems that I don't have a case because the people at that company misspelled the word "cool", and since "kool" isn't officially a word, this dog does not have a case. I'm am writing this as a warning to all the other dogs out there---check the spelling before you buy a product--sometimes companies misspell things to fool a dog.

I Don't Want The Birds to Win

Mr. Barack Obama, President of the United States, has announced that NASA's new mission will be to go to an asteroid by the year 2025. One reason for this mission is to insure that, if an asteroid were to endanger the Earth, the humans would be able to stop it from destroying the planet.

White House sources (I'm not saying it is Bo Obama, First dog, but it "might be") say that Mr. Obama has been playing Aerosmith's "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" a lot around the White House in recent weeks. White House aides have confiscated all copies of the movie, Armageddon, a movie that has been watched a bit too much at the White House according to my source. I am not saying that this movie has anything to do with NASA's new mission, but I'm also not saying that it doesn't. It isn't that this dog can't understand the idea of wanting to kick some asteroid butt, but when are we going to start fighting the worst threat to the planet--the evil birds? I have written numerous times about the birds and their evil plans for world domination. Thanks to Bo Obama, the copies of Armageddon are being replaced with the "documentary" done by Alfred Hitchcock, The Birds. I feel confidant that war will be declared on birds as soon as possible once the President starts watching the documentary placed for his viewing by "our hero". The humans don't need to thank us dogs for our part in this happy ending--we know the fate of the world is in our paws---as usual. It is just all in a dog's day.

Demon Flash Bandit (Saving the World-As Usual)

Skip the Duck--Go For the Candy

I'm sure many of us are familiar with the proverb, "if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it must be a duck. Using that logic, when a flashdrive looks like a lollipop and smells like a lollipop, a dog has to assume it is a lollipop. What does a dog do with a lollipop? He takes a bite out of it--or at least that is what this dog does when he finds candy. I didn't get to take a bite out of that wonderful lollipop because the humans stopped me before I could bite into it which was highly annoying because it smelled so tasty. Am I the only dog who thinks that they are just saying it is a flashdrive so they can hoard it for themselves? Have any of you tried a red Swedish Fish candy or a tropical flavor Mike and Ikes? They are a small taste of heaven for a dog right here on Earth. If the dog food companies would substitute their kibble for Mike and Ikes, this dog would endorse their product, but dog food does not taste as good as candy! I highly recommend those two candies to any dogs out there that want something that tastes good. Sure, the humans like them too, but it is about time a dog spoke up to tell other dogs that they are delicious. Those companies do not market their products to dogs, but this dog loves their product immensely. This dog gives them my Demon Flash Bandit salute for making a tasty product!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Candy)

Busy Morning For This Dog

I've had a busy morning turning down starring roles in major motion pictures. I had to explain to my agent that Demon Flash Bandit does not appear in a movie that this dog does not consider to be worthy of my talent. I actually had to block the calls from Sony. I've already told them that I will not appear in their new Spiderman remake. I think the whole idea is nuts, and it should be a sequel not a remake of a movie that I've already seen. However, the humans running Sony didn't take my advice so now I refuse to appear in any of their offerings mainly because I think they are stupid. I must also announce that I turned down Nike to be their spokesdog because this dog does not wear booties. They begged me to wear booties, and I had to tell them that this dog likes to feel the dirt under my paws. I happen to like dirt anyway. I think most dogs like dirt. Humans are the ones who seem to be terrified of dirt which I think is silly. They waste way too much time trying to fight dirt, and the dirt always wins in the long run. The humans may win the battle, but the dirt will win the war--you would think the humans would know this by now, but still they continue to fight dirt.

If the nice people at Arctic Paws want an endorsement, they have it. Yummy Chummies are wonderful. I got an order from them yesterday, and their treats deserve to be praised--not like Sony and Nike. Silly human companies--Sony and Nike don't make products a dog wants anyway so how do they stay in business?

Demon Flash Bandit (Busy Morning Enjoying Yummy Chummies)

I Am A Dog, Not a Prairie Dog

Prairie dogs aren't actually dogs! What human decided to call them prairie dogs if they are actually rodents? Why aren't they called prairie squirrels? Wouldn't that be more accurate? What human gets put in charge of naming animals anyway? I think I need to have a talk with that human because that human isn't doing a good job. That human must have also named the guinea pigs, which aren't actually pigs. Since prairies dogs bark like dogs, and guinea pigs oink like pigs, I think the person who names them must just sit back in a office and listen to recordings of the animals. If that person doesn't actually see the animals, that would explain why he or she names them by the sound they make. Someone needs to get him or her out of that office and take them out to actually see the animals that are being named. That way it would be a lot less confusing. I have seen some photos of prairie dogs, and they are cute. Everyone says I am cute too so just so there is no confusion--I am a real dog--not a prairie dog. I might add that it is good to be a dog.

Time for a New Bowl Game: Bubble Bowl

I used to wonder if I was the only dog who enjoyed chasing bubbles. Since they are now making bubbles for dogs in various scents--like chicken, I have to assume I am not the only dog who enjoys the sport. I have almost caught a few of them, but they always disappear if I touch them with my nose or paw so I think they must be magical. Since writing about baseball yesterday, I have come to the conclusion that since other dogs enjoy bubble chasing too, I think it is about time it became an official sport for dogs to enjoy. Since they are hard to catch, if a dog catches a bubble, that would be 10 points. For every bubble that a dog touches that breaks, the dog gets one point. After an hour or so, let the dog with the most points win the game. I can envision professional bubble playing dogs. Perhaps some day in the future, there would even be a championship Bubble Bowl. Wouldn't that be fun? I wonder--if it becomes super popular, do you think they will make Burger King scented bubbles? I would love that!

Demon Flash Bandit (Hoping to Attend the Bubble Bowl)

Buy Me Some Peanuts and Cracker Jacks--I Like Food

I'd like to welcome my 2 new followers, Khyra and Kira. Kira's mom has some lovely sculptures on her site which my readers should enjoy checking out---I was very impressed with her talent. I like Khrya's Korner too-what can I say, dogs are wonderful! My pal, Turbo, might be in need of some campaign workers for his election. A dog can always use people to help when a political office is involved, and we need more dogs serving in the Senate and House.

Since spring is in the air, it is time to discuss a sport the humans like to play in the spring and summer which is called baseball. The humans play this game with a ball and a bat. To find out more about this game, I captured several bats so that I could interrogate them. The first bat seemed to know very little about baseball. He kept asking me if he could get in his coffin before the sun came up so I realized I had a vampire bat so I did what any self respecting dog would do to a creature with wings who reminds him of a bird--I put a stake through his little bat heart. That will teach him to fly around taking blood or snow or whatever vampire bats like to take. Then I found another bat, and that bat had to go too. He kept asking about robin so I knew he was in league with the birds since robins are birds. Just when I was about to give up, I finally got a normal bat, who told me that baseball is a human game and it is not played with bats that fly, but with bats that are actual "sticks" of wood". Just when I finally think I have found a helpful bat, I realize that he is talking gibberish. I finally had to turn to another dog for the information I needed and here it is:

Baseball is a game played with a ball and a bat. The humans throw the ball and try to hit the bat. If the bat is hit, the player who hit the bat then runs around a diamond (it must be a super big gem), and if he makes it "home", his team gets the point. If the bat is killed by the ball, the team gets a homer which means that they get the point faster for getting rid of the bat. Bats happen to be one flying bird type critter that most humans don't happen to like. The object of the game is to get more points than the other team, and preferably, kill as many bats as possible. I suppose that is why bats don't like to talk about the game. This game is played by kids in their neighborhoods, but there are also major league teams that have a big audience where they serve hot dogs, pizza, beer, etc. I think this explains why the game is popular with the humans. Even most of the humans like to eat. I think it is time for me to find out when the Detroit Tigers are playing so I can go have some food. We dogs know what is important in life!

Demon Flash Bandit (Explaining Baseball)

Rare Discoveries and Great Inventions: Keeping Up With Both

The big animal news is that a "yeti" has been found in China. If you ask me, the animal kind of looks like a sloth, but I won't argue with the people who say it's a yeti. In fact, I've even thought of a couple of cool names for it depending on its gender. A girl yeti could be named, Betty the Yeti, and a boy could be named Eddy the Yeti. If I had a yeti as a pet, those are the names I would use. Do you think they built that wall around China to keep the yeti from getting out? Yeti does look kind of cute in the photo posted on the internet so maybe the ancient Chinese were just trying to keep other places from getting them as pets. Let's face it, look what happened in the movie Gremlins when Gizmo wasn't taken care of properly. Could the yeti turn into a Gremlin type creature if he is fed after midnight or if he gets wet? It does make a dog wonder.

I think I should take this opportunity to mention one of the greatest inventions of the century--the spork. That is right, instead of having to use a plastic spoon or a plastic fork, you have the all purpose spoon and fork combined or spork. This is so much fun to watch the humans use because the best part is that it usually breaks before their meal is over. Dogs don't need silly utensils like that. We just put our mouths right up to the food and eat it. If the humans were more like dogs, they would not need spoons, forks, or sporks. They have to complicate everything, don't they?

I hope all my readers have a nice, safe weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Rare Animal Discovery and Inventions in One Blog)

Say It With Dingo Bones

I'm sure most of us have heard the slogan, "Say it With Flowers". This is a slogan that is used by florists to encourage people to send flowers to other humans. Commercial advertising is always encouraging humans to buy things that the humans doing the advertising are in business to sell. Of course, most of this advertisement is geared toward humans because most dogs could care less what the ads are about. I use the slogan "say it with flowers" to prove that point. I have never heard that slogan, and had the urge to go and buy flowers for another dog--or a human either for that matter. If they wanted to get a dog's money, they would have to change the slogan to "say it with dingo bones". That would make sense to any dog who hears it. Don't get me wrong--dogs have nothing against flowers. We like to smell them, and we like to dig them up, but we would never waste our money sending them to another dog.

In fact, if the advertising industry wants to target dogs with their advertising, I have some suggestions for them to mention in their ads:

1. Burger King: This burger tastes good fresh or in the left in the refrigerator for weeks. (All dogs know this is true--we love to rescue disgusting food that the humans try to throw away.)

2. Milkbones: Bone shaped treats that taste like meat--what could be better?

3. Squeaky Toys: Your dog will love the noise this toy makes!

4. Dog Food: It looks and tastes like human food (that is the only way you will get a dog to try the stuff).

5. Dog Clothing: The big dogs won't laugh when you wear this. (It isn't true, but it is hard to prove they laughed in court.)

Of course, dogs are so much smarter than humans that there will have to be serious marketing to get past our obvious intelligence, but it might work on some of the dumber dogs.

Demon Flash Bandit (Say it With Dingo Bones)

King Demon Flash Bandit

Today this dog saw the perfect house for me on the internet. It is the Bouldin Castle in Austin, Texas. Of course, I would need to have a castle built for me in a cooler climate than Texas, but I do think a castle would suit my personality. I am king around here. I also think BK could build a restaurant in the back yard since BK's burgers are the king of the burgers, it would be an appropriate place for one of the restaurants. I 'm quite sure that this dog could keep them busy so they wouldn't have to be open to the general public.

I think I could be very happy living in a castle. It would also be fun telling the humans they can't sit on my throne. I know they allow me to sit on any furniture I want to sit on. However, since it would be my castle, and I would be the king, there have to be rules. You can't let the human peasants sit on your furniture. I would let them stay and continue to serve me. I do love my humans, and I also like them taking care of me. I would pass some new laws that should have been passed a long time ago. Dogs would be allowed to go wherever they please. The human rules I posted in a past blog would be the law of the land.

I would have knights because knights always follow days anyway, and I see no sense in changing that order just because I am the king. I would also have a court jester--you know a human acting silly to make this dog laugh. The humans wouldn't even have to try that hard--they usually make us dogs laugh no matter what they do. They are a very funny species.

I have to go now. I need to shop for a crown on the internet. There has to be a website where they sell crowns for dogs!!

Demon Flash Bandit (KING Demon Flash Bandit)

Computer Needs Psychiatrist

I didn't write a blog yesterday because I am experiencing technical difficulties. Actually, the computer is experiencing those difficulties. I am fine, but a dog does need a computer to post his blog so that is why I didn't write. My brother rebooted the computer and now it has went from dead to insane--yes I have taken it to a technical psychiatrist, and he has pronounced that the computer is suffering from delusions--this is because the mouse now has a mind of its own. He also said it is classic narcissistic disorder because the computer thinks it is the best computer in the world and is irreplaceable. Judging from the amount of money in this dog's bank account, that might be true. Why do the humans not set up bank accounts for us dogs? We could use some back up money for treats, toys, and the occasional new computer. This is why I cam going to let Mommy buy the computer and I'll just use hers. That will teach the humans who is boss!

However, most of my readers don't care about the psychiatric diagnosis of my computer problems, they came here to read the latest opinions of Demon Flash Bandit, dog, because the humans know dogs are smarter than them, and they need our wisdom to get through the day. I will not disappoint those humans. Today I will write about a subject that is on most people's minds nowadays. That subject: which movie that is playing at the theatre should they go and see? Since Mommy went to a movie yesterday, Hot Tub Time Machine, I will relate her review of the movie. Because dogs aren't allowed in theatres, I can't do the review until it comes out on dvd and then it would be too late for my readers to know what to go see at the theatre. Here is the review:

Hot Tub Time Machine:

Four men and a young guy go back to the place where the three older men spent a weekend in their past. They get into the hot tub in their hotel, and it sends them back in time to the 80s. I might add that since the 80s were a lackluster time period, the fact that the movie was enjoyable makes it a phenomenal success. I can't tell you anymore than the beginning or it would spoil the movie, but if I were allowed to go to the theatre, Mommy thinks I would enjoy the movie. Of course, it is no Snow Dogs or Eight Below-those movies are great. It isn't even up there with Beethoven or Turner and Hooch. However, when a movie is lacking dogs, if the movie has only humans and it isn't a total failure, then they have done a good job.

If I'm not able to post for a few days, it means the computer has went from insane to dead again. I hope my readers are having a good week, and remember, Demon Flash Bandit says thanks for reading my blog!

Demon Flash Bandit (Using Crazy Computer)

I Am Not a Fashion Model--Don't Get Any Ideas About Dressing Me

I thought only humans had to worry about what they should wear each day, but now dogs are taking over the fashion world. I guess the designers finally realized something us dogs have known for centuries--we are very cute! According to the dog fashion experts I have researched on the internet, a dog should wear something that expresses his personality. Does that mean a dog who likes to nap should wear a pillow as a hat to express his personality? It would be practical too--if the dog gets an urge to take a nap, he already has a pillow with him. There are now dog fashion shows to show off the newest dog fashions with the main difference being that the dog models are so much better looking than the human models.

This dog is not happy with the new trend. When some silly humans starts saying that all dogs should wear booties to protect their paws, I say that no one asked this dog what he thought about that idea. I like to go out bare pawed. I don't like booties and I refuse to wear them. If I don't want to wear booties, you can imagine how I feel about clothing. Sure, some dogs are okay with it--particularly the smaller breeds, but I don't want the big dogs laughing at me--and you know the humans will come up with silly outfits. My humans might want to dress me in a tutu like I'm some kind of ballet star. My outfit would have to be tough because I'm a tough dog. In fact, if they really want to express my personality, I would be dressed as a hamburger because I do love Burger King burgers. They are delicious burgers!

For all the dogs who are reading this, it is okay if you want to dress up in an outfit, but don't let the humans dress you if you don't want to be dressed. Today, they will dress a dog in a cute outfit, tommorrow, they'll have us taking dance lessons. Will the humans' insanity ever end?

Demon Flash Bandit (I Look Good in My Fur!)

Everybody Run--The Dog Has a Gun

This dog likes to enjoy reading a good dog magazine so I was checking the internet for magazines that are meant for dogs, and I came across one entitled, Gun Dog. I have to admit that I do not carry a gun and most dogs I know do not carry guns so it perked my interest just to think about what kind of dog would be "packing heat". I can only imagine what kind of dog would be reading this magazine. Are they police dogs who carry guns to protect their human partners from bad guys? Those are the dogs wearing the police badges. Are they cowboy dogs who carry guns so they can shoot at snakes or at bad guys in shoot outs? You can tell the cowboy dogs from their outfits--they wear cowboy hats and bandannas. Are they red neck dogs who ride around in pick up trucks wearing Nascar hats and possibly chewing tobacco? Are they dogs from the hood who are tough dogs who might even be dealing in drugs. I once heard about a dog who was using needles to put milkbones directly into his veins--he said eating them took too long to get that wonderful "full" feeling. Perhaps some of them are hunting dogs who have lazy humans who are too lazy to shoot at the prey themselves so they let their dogs carry the gun. One thing I can tell you, you don't mess with a dog who is carrying a gun. After much thought, I think the magazine probably caters to all those groups, and it is endorsed by the DORA--Dogs Owning Rifles Association (not to be confused with that Dora who is always exploring somewhere). I know if I owned a magazine, I would want to make all the money I could publishing it so I would not want to leave anyone out. I should have my humans pick up a copy of it for me so I can see exactly what the magazine is like. Who would have thought gun toting dogs would have their own magazine?

Demon Flash Bandit (Everybody Run--the Dog Has a Gun!)

Danger Humans: Danger!

I hope all my readers are having a very happy Easter, and I wish I could tell you that everything is right with the world, but I can't. In yesterday's blog, I mentioned Alfred Hitchcock's documentary, The Birds, in which he tries to warn people about birds. However, there have been other brave film makers who have been willing to make films that, instead of being fun entertainment, are documentaries warning us of other dangerous situations. Today I will discuss one that needs to be addressed as quickly as possible, and that is Killer Tomatoes. These tomatoes are such a problem that there isn't just one documentary about them--there are 4 documentaries about them.

The filmmaker started with a film entitled Attack of the Killer Tomatoes which was made in 1978. Since then, 3 other documentaries have been made. Since the humans never bother to do anything about these situations, another movie was made in 1988 entitled, Return of the Killer Tomatoes. In 1991, another film was made, Killer Tomatoes Strike Back. This is a film that could have been inspired by George Lucas. Also in 1991, the fourth in the series was made which was entitled, Killer Tomatoes Eat France. This last one was shown often in the White House during the W. Bush years when he was mad at France. He called it the ultimate "feel good" movie. In fact, W. wanted someone to make a documentary about killer pretzels, but so far, no filmmaker has had the courage to tell people the truth about their snack foods. In addition to the movies, an animated series was made so the entertainment industry has done all it can to warn people of dangers of tomatoes. Has it worked? Judging from the amount of websites dedicated to helping people grow tomatoes, I would say the answer is NO, IT HAS NOT!!!!

This dog is not fond of tomatoes because I prefer to eat my food, not have it eat me. I would think the humans would have the same attitude, but clearly, the humans are not as smart as us dogs. I do hope that something can be done. I am thinking that maybe if they built a giant tomato juicer, that might solve the problem, but I wouldn't want to create something worse--like killer tomato juice that can wipe out a city. You do have to be careful when dealing with problems of this magnitude. If any of you have any ideas about how to get rid of the killer variety of tomatoes, leave a comment. I will forward all comments to Homeland Security so they can decide which color alert to announce. Until then, when you see one of those tiny little tomatoes, don't assume all is well--protect yourself in case that tiny tomato has a bad attitude--and possibly a gun!

Demon Flash Bandit (Defending Myself and My Family From Killer Tomatoes)

Ultimate Dog Problem: Robot Birds

For the dogs who read Entertainment Weekly, this blog will come as no suprise because I am commenting on one of their articles. The magazine talks about how Sam Worthington, an actor who was in the big hit, Avatar, hated the owl in the movie Clash of the Titans. He hated the owl, wanted to destroy it, and said "that owl did not deserve to be in our movie". This dog loved the article because it is nice to see a human who thinks intelligently like myself. I wrote a blog last month (3-6-10) entitled, Birds New Song: Don't Fear the Reaper. For those of you who missed the blog, I was talking about how birds steal a dog's snow, sing and taunt a dog about the theft in the spring and summer, and how they are the cause of global warming. It is so nice to see a human who understands how serious this situation with birds has become. The owl's name was Bubo, which makes this dog wonder--when did birds become important enough to deserve a name? Perhaps people in Australia are more aware of how evil birds happen to be. That could explain why Worthington hated the owl so much. The thing that really upsets this dog is that the owl was a mechanical bird. I have been writing a diary on Dogster.com for several years, and I have warned the dogs on that site about the possibility of a robot bird being created. Now we know one exists. Hitchcock tried to warn other humans about birds in his documentary, The Birds, but most people didn't listen to or heed his warnings. I am glad that an actor has finally did an interview for a major entertainment magazine that tells people just what he thinks of birds--and I'm even happier that he shares my opinion of them. Sam Worthington--good actor, intelligent human!

Demon Flash Bandit (The Ultimate Dog Problem: Robot Birds!)

Telephones: This Dog Willing To Give Them a Try

All us dogs know that humans have some eccentric behavior, but I think some of the oddest behavior is caused by a device that is in just about every home--and some humans even carry it with them when they leave. That device is the telephone. I know I'm not the only dog who has observed how silly the humans react to the device. It rings a lot and annoys the dog who is usually trying to take a nap. Sometimes the humans rush to answer it, and sometimes they let it ring--depending on their mood. Yes, humans get moody about the weirdest things. My humans usually answer the phone if they can, but I have learned that this is not standard procedure with all humans. Some "screen calls" which is silly since there is no screen anywhere around the telephone. Some "tele" devices are good. Television seems to offer a lot of entertainment, and I have even seen dogs on that device so I know it has to be good. I would love to have a "tele"portation device to teleport me to Burger King when I want a burger. Telephones just don't seem to be as interesting. However, in the interest of being fair, I think the humans should get a phone just for me, and then I will bark a blog about whether it is a good product or not. I will warn the phone companies though, if I give it a poor rating, they might loose lots of business since the humans will listen to the wisdom of Demon Flash Bandit.

Demon Flash Bandit (Willing to Give the Phone a Try)

Smart Dogs Love Yummy Chummies

Yesterday's blog was about a favorite dog treat of mine--Yummy Chummies--the delicious salmon treat from Alaska. For my readers who happen to live in the states of Idaho, Oregon, and Washington, Costco in those states have ordered 48 pallets of Yummy Chummies for the stores there. Each pallet has 288 packages of Yummy Chummies which is one pallet per store. In fact, if you decide to mush to a store and get them yourself, those states are closer to many of us dogs than Alaska so you can get your treats a lot faster if you don't have to go all the way to Alaska to get them. Believe me when I say that those treats are worth the run. Of course, I will admit that since I'm a Siberian Husky, I don't really mind running, but it is still nice to have a tasty reward at the end of the run.

I read on the news today that the humans running the govt. are stepping down so dogs can take over. This was done after the humans finally realized that dogs are smarter and better than them. Dogs have been waiting centuries for this to happen, and now that it has, dogs everywhere are celebrating. Of course, this is only an April Fool's Joke, but the real joke is on the humans since dogs really are smarter and better at running the world than humans. Maybe one day I can make this announcement for real.....a dog can dream. Most of the time, I like to dream about Yummy Chummies.

Demon Flash Bandit (Smart Dogs Love Yummy Chummies)