Rules for Humans

My humans went to see Shutter Island at the theatre yesterday. I would love to give you a review of the movie, but dogs aren't allowed in the theatre so I didn't get to see it. It is just one more item on the list of things dogs aren't allowed to do. You know who makes these rules---humans make them. I think it is about time we make some rules for them:


1. I know the milkbones look tasty, but they are for dogs. Keep your human noses out of them.

2. If the dog lives outside and has a doghouse, it is for the dog. The human cannot stay in the doghouse no matter how much trouble he or she (usually he) has gotten himself into with the other human or humans in the house.

3. The rawhide bones and other chewy bones belong to the dog----keep your paws off of them!

4. Ask your dog's permission before you use his water bowl for disgusting things. Some dogs like myself don't drink out of them, but some do so ask permission before you assume the dog doesn't want to drink from it.

5. Dead animals belong to the dog--don't try to take them for yourselves. We know where they are, and you aren't fooling us with that disgusting look--we know you want them for yourselves.

6. We do not share our food with the humans. You have your own food. This rule does not apply to your food which should be shared with the dog.

7. Do not give your dog a bath unless he asks for it---preferably in writing and notarized. Without that signed permission, NO BATHS!

8. When you take a dog for a walk, you should ask where the dog wants to walk--it is the dog's walk, not the humans' walk.

9. Furniture is far more comfortable than the floor. Dogs should be able sit on whatever furniture they choose to sit their tails down on, and if the floor is so comfortable, let the humans sleep on it while the dog sleeps on the bed.

10. All "accidents" are the humans' faults---they obviously didn't let a dog out when the dog needed to go out.

11. Don't wake us from our naps. We need at least 18 hours of sleep a day, and if we don't get it, we can get grouchy.

I'm sure there are more, but these rules are a start. I dream of the day when we can go anywhere the humans go. Actually, with all the naps I take, I have plenty of time for dreaming. I've got to mush on into the bed now so I can take a nap.

Demon Flash Bandit (Rules to Live By)