I have been seeing a lot of stuff in the news about banks and the economy which is in something the humans call a recession. I personally think this is silly since it isn't like the money just disappeared. I'm sure there are some humans causing trouble (as usual), but I will take this opportunity to share a letter I sent to my bank. The humans might put up with the banks' shenanigans, but dogs do not!
Dear Blood Sucking Vampires, Leeches, Ticks, Fleas, Birds, MothMan, the Chebacapra Dude, Freddy Krueger, Barbarians, Tom Cruise, Teletubbies, and Barney the Purple Dinosaur,
(This is always the proper salutation to use when dealing with bankers.)
Your bank gave me 5 million dollars to buy a new doghouse. I thought it was very sweet of you to think of me, and I can only assume that you enjoyed my blog. However, my initial appreciation quickly turned to annoyance when you sent me a payment book and expected me to give you the 5 million dollars back---WITH INTEREST!!!! I don't even see why you call it interest since I am not "interested" in paying you back more than you sent me in the first place. You should know that if you give a dog 5 million dollars, that dog don't hunt Monsignor. In fact, I am paying humans to carry me from place to place, and I hired another dog to do my peeing for me. What do you expect a dog with 5 million dollars to do? Do his own peeing? I think not! Did you really expect me to read all the boring blah, blah, blah stuff on the paperwork I pawtographed. I thought you were just asking for my pawtograph because of my fame as a blogger.
Just so you will know the money was well spent, 2 million was given to charity--the Demon Flash Bandit fund for Demon Flash Bandit. Another 2 million was spent on a robot dog of me so that I can do my whining in stereo. The last million was spent on Burger King gift cards, milkbones, and dingo bones. I bet you feel like a bunch of nitwits now expecting a dog to give you back money that is already spent. I do have a word of advice for your bank in the future. Don't expect a dog to pay you back. You can only expect such silliness from the humans.
Thanks again for the 5 million dollar gift. I am enjoying it.
Love, Demon Flash Bandit
P.S. I just watched Sesame Street and the reason Oscar the Grouch is such a grouch is because you bankers repossessed his home and he is having to live in a garbage can. I think all of you should be locked up and forced to watch the telvision program, Mister Rogers. I can't think of a worse punishment than that.
Demon Flash Bandit (Sharing A Letter)