Mathematical Formula to Achieve Milkbones

I was watching The Big Bang Theory last night, and I realized that I have been a theoretical physicist since I was a puppy. Even as a young pup, I realized that there are 2 major groups of dogs. One group that has milkbones and one group that does not. I worked out a mathematical formula that takes many variables into consideration--how cute is the dog, how well does he or she beg, can the dog be trusted not to eat the entire box in one sitting, etc. It is very simple and even the humans can understand it: x=cuteness, y=begging ability, z=trust, m-milkbones.
x(y)+x(z)=m
This is one of the simpler theories. You will notice that cuteness is more important than anything else because the humans control the purchase of milkbones, and they respond to cuteness more so than the other abilities.

I happen to be so cute that I usually don't even have to beg. In fact, I often help myself to the box when the humans bring it home. They can trust me because I have been known to carry a box around for a day or two unopened. I like to have it with me just in case I'm in the mood for a milkbone. Sometimes I like to use the box as a pillow. Now that I have written a blog showing my advanced math and science skills, I am sure that my genius will make the humans buy me even more milkbones. Therefore, my theory is that a dog has to do anything it takes to get some milkbones, and whatever impresses your human, do it. Milkbones are worth the trouble!

Demon Flash Bandit (Theoretical Physicist and Dog With Milkbones)

My Opinion of People's Choice for Best Movie

The People's Choice Awards chose Twilight as the best movie overall. I think once again, this shows how stupid the humans are. Let a dog bite someone even if the person deserves it, and the humans put the dog in a cage and the dog faces a possible execution. However, let vampires and werewolves run amok and the humans make it the best movie of the year. I would think the humans had lost any sense of good taste. However, I also know that with that award, the humans can vote multiple times. Many of the humans, including the ones around here, never bother to vote at all. I guess tweens have a lot of time on their paws for voting. I really don't mind Twilight having fans who love it, but this dog hardly thinks it was the best movie of the year. In my opinion, it wasn't even the best movie of the month. I would vote for Marmaduke above Twilight. Who needs werewolves when you can have cute dogs starring in a movie?

Speaking of movies, my humans saw The Fighter, and they said it was an excellent movie. Jeff said it is a fantastic piece of human film making although it would be greatly improved with dogs. Humans are stupid, and, not to put down The Fighter, if it had an all dog cast, it would win all the awards, and no audience member would not like it. I, I mean Demon Flash Bandit, would be perfect for the lead role. Remember, this is Jeff's review and not mine. For a human, he is very wise--almost as intelligent as a dog like myself.

I've got to go and do some movie research or take a nap--I'm not sure which I will do.

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Critic)

Demon Flash Bandit: Royal Wedding Consultant

I have shared many of the letters I receive from Elizabeth II, The Queen Lady. Today I am going to share a letter I wrote to her which is on its way as I write this. I read about the latest update on the wedding of William and Kate Middleton, and I knew that the Queen Lady would want to know my thoughts on the wedding plans.

Dear Queen Lady,
I know you are super busy with all the plans for the royal wedding of your grandson to Kate Middleton. I'm sure you are wondering what I think of those plans so I am writing to give you my thoughts on the subject. I think Rowan Williams is a wise choice to officiate the wedding. It is a shame the news did not spell his name correctly, but Robin Williams is an excellent choice. You must have watched the movie, License to Wed, where he played the minister. I thought that was a good movie, and it will lend a bit of humor to the wedding, which royal weddings are so unlikely to add. Kudos for thinking of him. I know he has played many varying roles so playing the Archbishop of Canterbury will be an easy one for him. I do hope that you don't expect everyone to read Canterbury Tales because I looked them over, and they are not written in English, despite what some teachers try to claim. I'm assuming that the wedding will be in English.

I don't have any specific advice on the clothing designer except that it would be wise not to ask for Angel Zoom Smokey's advice unless the bride and groom want to be dressed in fur. That is her fashion preference.

The music has not yet been announced, and I know it is because you asked the Howling Huskies to provide the music. We would love to oblige, but we are unable to get all the huskies together so it would be best if you choose another group. Perhaps you can get Sir Paul McCartney to provide the music. I know he isn't as well known as the Howling Huskies, but he has managed to get some notoriety in the field of music.

I have to go now. If you need any more of my input on the wedding plans, be sure and ask. I love helping you because you are a good friend.

Love, Demon Flash Bandit

I'm sure the Queen Lady will appreciate getting advice from a dog's perspective.

Demon Flash Bandit (Wedding Consultant)

Bye, Bye Blackbirds!

Bark about a new year starting out great for a dog--1,000 red winged black birds have fallen from the sky dead in Beebe, Arkansas as I discussed in a previous blog. Now it seems that the amount was underestimated. The latest news says it was 4,000 to 5,000. Today the news has another story about birds falling dead in Pointe Coupee parish, Louisiana. This time the number is 500, and they are red winged black birds and starlings. I have been playing an old song all day---Bye Bye Blackbird. Of course, when I sing along it is a more upbeat, happy song. I can't think of anything this dog loves more than saying goodbye to those evil snow stealing birds!

Pawnation has an article about people paying $100,000 to clone their dogs. This dog thinks it would make a lot more sense to just buy or adopt another dog that needs a home. I personally don't think a clone would ever be just like the original because, whether human or canine, an individual is also shaped by the events in their lives, and it would be impossible to have the exact same events happen. Things do change with time, and the individuals react to those changes so I just don't see how a clone could ever be an exact duplicate of the original. Besides, the dogs who have passed on tell me that paradise is on the other side of the bridge and the Burger King is free and all a dog can eat!

It is time for me to get back to singing Bye, Bye Blackbird!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dead Bird Count Up)

Sharing Movie and Commerical Reviews

Now that the holidays are over, this dog has been catching up on my rest. Working toward a college degree in napping is a lot harder than you might think. However, this dog will not allow difficulty to interfere with reaching my goal.

During the holidays I watched several movies with my humans so I think I should share a movie review with my readers. Centurion was one of the movies I watched. It is about the Romans and their difficulties in trying to take over northern England. It was a good movie if you like historical type movies. There were dogs in the movie, but none of them had starring roles--they were mostly extras. I think the movie could have been improved if they had given some of the dogs more important roles.

I want to mention the cool commercial Minute Maid is airing for their Energy Juice. The children in a classroom are telling their teacher that the class rabbit is sick. The teacher doesn't do much of anything until he drinks some Minute Maid Energy Juice, and then he uses the static electricity in 2 balloons to bring the rabbit back to life. Judging from this commercial, all hospital Emergency Rooms should be stocked with Minutes Maid Energy Juice and balloons.

The Internet news reports that 1,000 dead birds fell from the sky in Arkansas which means that the new year is starting out well for me. I couldn't have asked for better news. I have been warning the humans about the birds and their evil plans since I was a puppy. Lucky for me (and the civilized world), I understand bird. I have listened to many of their evil plans; but they had no idea that a dog could understand them. However, you try to warn the humans, they don't listen. It is very frustrating for me so it is nice to see dead birds dropping from the sky. Someone out there must be reading my warnings.

I hope that everyone is having a nice day, and getting plenty of rest. Speaking of rest, it is time to get back to my homework......college is so demanding!

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie and Advertising Critic)

My Solution to All Economic Problems

I hope everyone had a nice New Year's Day. My humans had Arbys chicken sandwiches. Yeah, they really know how to live it up. Then I found out how to solve all financial problems and make sure that everyone in the world is prosperous. I overheard my Mommy telling my human brother Jeff that when she was growing up, her Mother always had ham on New Year's Day. Why did they have ham? Because if you eat ham on New Year's Day, you will live high off the hog all year. If you eat chicken, you will be scratching for a living. This made me wonder about my humans because they ate chicken sandwiches, but they were cordon bleu so that means they were chicken with ham. Do they cancel each other out and make it a moderately successful new year or do you count one or the other? You would think that, with this kind of knowledge available to Mommy, that she would not have taken such stupid chances with dinner yesterday. She also said that black eyed peas are supposed to be served for good luck. Of course, the humans didn't eat them either. I am not quite sure how peas who were unlucky enough to be given a black eye can be lucky, but perhaps even if they aren't lucky themselves, they have the power to give good luck to humans. Personally, I think eating Burger King on New Year's Day means that you will be living royally all year. Guess who had Burger King yesterday? Yes, it was me. I do love Burger King. This means that I will be King for the rest of the year. This dog does not take chances with ancient superstitions.



With the world economy not doing well, it would have been nice if I had known these dinner facts in advance. I could have told everyone to eat ham yesterday, and everyone would have had a prosperous new year. I called Bo Obama today to let him know how simple the solution to everybody's economic problems happens to be. I hope next year, we can make sure everyone has ham for dinner except for us dogs--we can eat Burger King.



Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing a Solution to World Economic Problems)

Phantom Fast Snowman Did Some Celebrating!

My humans celebrated New Year's Eve by staying home with Angel Zoom Smokey and myself. Since Angel and myself were available, it was senseless to leave the house. We had a nice time, and mainly watched television or spent some time on the computer. My human brother William, spent the night. However, we did have one member of the family who had a bit too much gin. Phantom Fast Snowman, our stunt dog, took partying very seriously--particularly after having some gin. Phantom's photo is on my blog today. We hid the keys to the car so that Phantom wouldn't get any ideas about going for a drive while drunk. I know he was already at home and didn't need to go anywhere, but when he gets into the gin, you never know what he is going to decide to do.

During the Christmas season, cookies being baked is a major holiday tradition. As usual, the police around the world have had to deal with many instances of gingerbread men causing problems. They usually run away from the baker, and then they sing annoying songs about not being able to catch them. Since the fox is the one who finally outsmarted the gingerbread man in the past, the police have put their canine officers in charge of apprehending the gingerbread criminals. None have been brought to court. The police aren't quite sure why, but they seem to disappear once they are found. The dogs say they are magical, and have the power to become invisible. That sounds like a reasonable assumption to me. On the subject of gingerbread, there has been a recall on gingerbread houses made by Rolf's Patisserie. I suggest that you don't eat a house made by this company.

When I write about criminal gingerbread men who run from justice, I like to be able to include good news as well. Fred Smith had went to the bank and withdrawn $1200. to use to buy Christmas gifts. He stopped to eat at Walt's Barbecue in Cincinnati, Ohio; and accidentally forgot the money. His waitress, Tricia Ayers, turned in the money and it was waiting at the restaurant for him to come and claim it. That waitress deserves the Demon Flash Bandit award for excellence. There are lots of good humans in the world which is why I like to mention them in my blog.

I hope that my readers have a very healthy and happy new year ahead.

Demon Flash Bandit (Glad To Have a Stunt Dog)