No Baby Talk for This Dog

I know my readers are thrilled that I have been writing extra blogs.  I always have a large amount of doggy wisdom to share with my "pups".  However, my human who suffers from chronic pain does not always feel like sitting at the laptop.  She has discovered that she can type on her Kindle even while lying down.  Yeah, I know she should have discovered this fact faster, but she is human. As all dogs know, humans are not smart.  In fact, this is the subject of today's blog entry.  I wonder if our humans realize just how humiliating it is for us when the humans use "baby talk". For example, just this morning, my human was talking to me.  Did I hear "how are you this lovely day!  No, I heard  "Demon is my good boy" and "how is my handsome boy today".   I know she means well, but it is still insulting for a dog of my genius!  However she does feed me delicious human food so I will  allow her to get by withi it.  Besides, I love my humans.

Demon Flash Bandit  (Embarassed Dog)

Human Poop is Valuable

A recent article in the Washington Post reports that scientists have discovered that there is treasure in human poop.  It takes human scientists forever to come to the conclusion that dogs have known for centuries.  Why do you think dogs are so fascinated with poop.  We take the gold and silver from the poop And we trade it for bones.  You might have seen the reality show on the subject: Pawn Poop.  It is about a family of dogs who operate a pawn shop which buys interesting poop.  I have no idea why the humans are eating gold and silver, I would guess that they also have no idea why they are eating precious metals either.  However, I do think it explains why humans are always complaining about 

th/ e high cost of groceriesIfI

Demon Flash Bandit (Poop is Valuable):) km

Ode To Humans

I love my humans, and I decided it was high time I wrote one of my spectacular poems in honor of all those dog loving humans.

ODE TO HUMANS

Dogs love our humans and though we are in charge
Humans need to know our love for them is large
 They feed us- preferably people food
If they feed us kibble, that is considered rude.
(At least in this dog's opinion)

We love to share our humans couch and also their bed.
Both are nice to lie on after our tummies are fed
Humans are nice- be they athletic or nerd
The best thing about humans is that there are not birds.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Poet)

Vegetables: No Thank You

Angel Zoom Smokey has decided to give up her life of leisure to pursue a career. She has been sending her resume to local restaurants.  Of course, they are clamoring to get an employee like her who specializes in washing dishes.  I've got to admit that she is an expert in her field.  Even mechanical dishwashers can't compare to her expertise.  The only problem is that she won't take a job at any restaurant unless it serves only meat.  William gave her some chicken soup, and she loved the broth and chicken, but there was a pea in the soup.  Very much like the  princess in that Princess and the Pea story, Angel had no use for the pea.  In fact, she left the pea on her plate, and then she took her paw and catapulted it across the room.  I thought it was hilarious, and I am proud of her.  She said vegetables are bad for dogs.  Angel has learned so much from me!

Demon Flash Bandit (Angel Learned her Wisdom From Me)

Time to Text

I just heard about a cool new invention that will change a dog's life for the better.  The humans are taking credit for it, but my guess is that it was really invented by a dog.  It is a new refrigerator that can send texts.  This means that a dog can have all the food he wants in the refrigerator just by sending a text with his paw.  Kibble will be obsolete.  Why would a dog eat kibble when he can have steak?  Now if only Burger King would start delivering to a dog, life would be good!

Demon Flash Bandit (Texting for Better Food)

I Would Like to Work at Burger King

William went shopping today, and Mommy told him to bring us hamburgers for dinner which he  did.  I love having Mommy watch out for me.  They were delicious.  However, it did remind me that I have applied for a job at Burger King.  I know it doesn't pay enough, but it is dog's work yet they won't hire dogs to work there.  I am hoping my Harvard educated dog pal, Whitley, will represent my discrimination suit in court.   I am sure she will be glad to help me if she isn't busy with the Confederate battle flag on Texas license plates case.  If I were the judge, that would be a no brainer.  History is history.  I don't like humans who take part in dog fighting, but it goes on.  If you bury your head in the sand to forget, it still happens.  I think remembering the mistakes of history keeps the humans from repeating those mistakes.

Demon Flash Bandit ( Dog Who Isn't Working at BK)

Demob Flash Bandit: Crime Stopping Doh

Sunday night I happened to observe my hunans' crazy ritual.  Every week, on Sunday night my stupid humans take big Glad flexible bags outside and put them in a big plastic thing with wheels which they call a garbage can.  I have no idea why they do it, but they do.  Angel Zoom Smokey and myself have discussed this sItuation many times.  Neither of us approve of the great  items they put in the bag.  Sometimes they put my entire collections in there.  I had a stash of little ice cream sundae cups under the couch, and the humans threw them in the garbage when they found them.  Those containers still smelled of vanilla ice cream, and they brought back wonderful memories.  I had planned to dig some holes in the spring, plant them, and grow more ice cream.  I decided being an ice cream farmer would be an honorable profession.  My dreams were shattered by the human's stupidity.

Sunday night, William left the garbage bag alone while he went to get a second bag.  I am a resourceful dog so I peed on it.  I hope the garbage picker uppers smell the bag and leave it alone.  That bag is mine- I marked it!

Demon Flash Bandit (Stopping Crime One Bag at a Time)

Smell Like a Burger King Whopper

I was unable to post a blog yesterday because my Internet service was down.
  I have no doubt that it was because of the evil birds who are always trying to silence my barking!

I hope you have booked an airline ticket to Japan because on April 1 , and only on that day, you can purchase  Burger King Whopper cologne.  Talk abouta scent that will make you desirable---there is not a dog in the realm that wouldn't be drawn to that scent. I don't know why it will only be sold for one day.  If they selll it to dogs, they have a multi-million dollar idea on their paws.  I hope it isn't an April Folls joke because I  used Mommy's plastic money  and  those plane tickets weren't cheap.   Mommy will have a nice surprise when the bill comes.  Do the Japanese  even celebtate April Fools Day?  I would suspect that sushi is a prank to honor that day.  However, it isn't.  Humans eat  eushi everyday.  Sushi place Chefs get paid NOT to cook it!  I am assuming that countries on the metric system don't celebrate April Fools Day.  No one with a sense of humor would use such an ordered system.  I love the US system except I have sent letters to the White House dogs asking them to change the "foot" to "paw".  They both agree with me, and are working to get the word changed.  I'll see you in Japan!


Demon Flash Bandit (Dog who Love's Burger King Whoppers)

I Am a Clever Dog

1. THere was an item in the Washington Post saying that the company that makes tootsie rolls is not doing as well financially as it once did.  This dog did not like reading that.  I have managed  to get my paws on those candies at various times in my life, and I think they are delicious.  Sure, the company should have never used  a bird in their old tootsie pop commercials.  This dog can overlook annoying advertising if the product is good enough.  I am willing to do my part to help.  I added 19 bags of tootsie rolls to Mommy's shopping list.  Mommy will never know it was me that added the treats

  I am such a clever dog!

Demon Flash Bandit (Clever Dog)

St. Patricks Day Celebration

I wrote a blog on St. Patricks Day, but it got lost in cyberspace, which I am sure is linked to birds who hacked into my computer to keep me from posting my thoughts.  At least the photos came through.  Just so you won't worry---the dog in the photos is my stunt dog, Phantom Fast Snowman.  Phantom does all my stunts when I am in movies and television, and he is also the ones Angel and I get to wear clothing for stupid photos that my human insists on posting.  As long as it isn't me, and Phantom doesn't mind, Mommy can dress him up in anything she wants.  Phantom is wearing his Irish shirt from a smal Irish shop where Mommy and Daddy used to shop.  Of course, he has the ever popular beer stein hat.  As the day went on, and he had more and more beer, the shirt came off so one photo was taken early in the day, and the other was taken at the end of the day.  Phantom does love to pawty.

I'm sure you are wondering what I did to celebrate the day.....in honor of Ireland, and St. Patrick, I ate some Lucky Charms cereal.  I had to kidnap a leprechaun to get it, but it had to be done.  I know humans would have tried to get a pot of gold from the leprechaun, but I am a very smart dog so I went for the treats.  After all, Lucky Charms are magically delicious, and they did not disappoint this dog!  I hope all of my readers had a good day!

Demon Flash Bandit (My St. Patricks Celebration)

Don't do it Yourself

Today I am trying.something new.  I am typing this blog myself.  My human is way too incompetent and sometimes goes a day or two without writing.  She is in chronic pain, I think she needs to bark it off.  What better way to bark than in a blog?    Besides, she knows my readers depend on my observations and wisdom to get through the day!

My new topic is inspired by my brother, William, who is still mourning the closing of Radio Shack, it involves a do it yourself project.  He found a site on the web that shows how to make a "speaker" from an  aluminum beer or soda can. He thinks it would make a great project.  I say he already has speakers and should stick with the ones already has.  You have to cut the can, which means that very often the human will cut off a finger along with the can.  I know I am cynical about the talents (or  the lack of talent) among the humans.  This is why so many humans run up medical bills and lose fingers.  I think the humans should take a lesson from us dogs and-buy the item at the store.  Use the time  you would waste building it to enjoy a nice nap.  Why do you think dogs are happier than humans?  We would prefer to nap rather than work.

I know typing this blog myself goes against today's subject  However, in dealing with humans, sometimes a dog has to take matters into his own paws  get it done.


Demon Flash Bandit   Dog Who Likes to Relax) chi

2015 Iditarod Sled Race

It is that time of year again--time for the great dog sled race, Iditarod, in Alaska.  This race commemorates the time almost 100 years ago when the sled dogs delivered the diptheria serum to save the children in Nome, Alaska.  Talk about no good deed going unpunished, the dogs made that awful trek and now every year the humans have turned it into a sled race---1,000 miles the dogs have to run.  This dog thinks that if there is a race to honor the dogs who did such a heroic thing it should be the humans pulling the dogs to the local Burger King to order some Whoppers for the dogs (hold the lettuce, tomato onions, pickles,  mustard, ketchup, and yes, even the buns)  This brings me to my blog topic of the day.  Humans always think that they know what their dogs are thinking--an a few of them do, but most of them are clueless.  A lot of humans think that their dogs want to run in a race like that, but I an assure you, as a Siberian husky, I prefer to nap and enjoy life.  I do love whoppers so at least that much is correct.  Why do humans assume they know what their dogs want when most of them have no idea what they want for themselves?  This is why we dogs should be running the world so we can think for the humans.  Humans have such difficulty thinking for themselves.  One concern I have is that they are having to move the race further north because there isn't enough snow in Anchorage.  I do not like global warming and birds must be stopped--they are the ones causing it!

Demon Flash Bandit (Iditarod Sled Race)

Exciting News!

 Several days ago, I wrote a blog announcing that I re -wrote the book, To Kill a Mockingbird.    The reason I did not write a blog yesterday is because of my book. Of course, my book took the  literary world by storm.  I was on the telephone yesterday with Michael Bay negotiating for the movie rights for my book.  Other directors have been clamoring for the rights, but Michael Bay is well known for his use of explosions.  He has promised to have birds blowing up and feathers flying.  How could I resist such an offer?   Finally a movie will be made that is worth the price e of a theater ticket.


Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Writer)

Kill Birds, Not Crickets

Today I am going to educate my fellow dogs on the subject of crickets--not the bugs, but the sport.  I have never played cricket or seen it played so I will be learning along with my readers.  Keep in mind that research eats into my nap time so you can imagine how seriously I take research on my blog topics.  Although it is a sport-the bug, cricket is part of that action.  Some humans get together and go where there is a field of crickets which they than pound with a cricket hammer.   Personally, I think it is a cruel game and should only continue to be played if crickets are replaced with birds.  I would enjoy a game that would let me conk a bird in the head with a hammer.  Goodbye birdies!  If it were played with my rules, it might even be a game that Amerians would play.  This dog would encourage it!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Hates Birds)

I Am Re-Writing To Kill A Mockingbird

Since Hollywood is in the habit of re-making movies that have already been made recently,  I
have decided  to re-write a classic book . That book is To kill a Mockingbird. 
I know there are a lot of books I could have chosen,but the title was so inspiring to me.
In  my new book, the dogs in a small southern town kill a bunch of mockingbirds.  Mockingbirds are more annoying than most birds because they love to "mock" everyone.  It will be a very short book because dogs get a job done.  We aren't lazy like the humans!  The reason it is set in the south is because one character has got to talk like Foghorn Leghorn for comic relief--as if killing birds isn't funny enough.

Demon Flash Bandit (Writer)

Contest Winner for T-Shirt--Not for Zombietown

Today is the announcement that my readers have been waiting to read;  the winner of the Angel Zoom Smokey centerfold t-shirt contest.  I was supposed to announce it yesterday, and I do apologize.  We had a power outage yesterday that affected the Internet service in the house.  The winner is.....drum roll....Princess Leah who will probably allow her human, Julie, to wear the t-shirt.  I have a special announcement to make.  I am feeling extra generous today so there was a second drawing and that was won by Charliedownunder, my pal from another country.  Remember--I hate wearing clothing so no dog is required to wear this shirt!  I need for the two of them to get in touch with me through either of these e-mail addresses:
demonflashbandit@gmail.com    or
Donnastansberry@gmail.com

I need to know sizes and the address to which the shirts should be sent.  These shirts can be purchased if you weren't a lucky winner.  If interested, contact one of the same two email addresses.

Ebay has been a bit dull lately, but finally, an item has been listed that sounds quite interesting.  It seems that about a block of the town in Georgia where they filmed The Waling Dead television show is up for sale.  Here is the link for those who might be interested:

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv/georgia-town-walking-dead-filmed-sale-article-1.2135441

I don't think any zombies live there now but you can always buy the town and hope!

Demon Flash Bandit (Chose Contest Winner)

Charmin not so Charming

The t-shirt contest is officially over.  I plan to announce the winner in tomorrow's blog.  I know this is very exciting for those who entered.

Today is one of my "watch out for the humans" consumer reports.  Today's topic is toilet paper.  Big companies know that humans don't like to talk about toilet paper so it takes a dog to do any serious research on the subject.  What did I discover?  I discovered that the toilet paper moguls are putting less paper on the rolls.  How do I know this?  Because Mommy has a toilet paper holder in the bathroom which was made to hold 4 rolls.  Now it will almost hold 5 rolls because they have cut down on the size of the toilet paper rolls.  Sure, it looks the same, but it isn't.  I have not been able to check out all brands, but this is at least true of Charmin.  I can't get Mommy to buy other brands because she gets suspicious if I ask for toilet paper.  She thinks I am going to rip it up al over the place and play with the cardboard center.  She knows us dogs too well.

Demon Flash Bandit (Consumer Advocate)

Angel Zoom Smokey Throws a Hissy Fit

My humans just bought another Kindle for themselves so that each of them has 2 of them.  This is so one can charge while the humans are on the other one.  Personally, I think the 2 news ones should belong to Angel Zoom Smokey and myself, but you know how selfish the humans can be.  Angel has taken this particularly hard.  Now she throws a hissy fit whenever my brother, William, gets on his Kindle.  She doesn't mind Mommy being on one that much because Mommy doesn't spend most of her life on it.  I've got to paw it to Angel.  William is not spending near as much time on the Kindle as he did before she started throwing her hissy fits.  I guess she is good for something!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Should Own His Own Kindle)