There is a suspicious looking squirrel in my back yard. To be fair, I think there is more than one squirrel because they all look alike to me. Anyway, this particular squirrel who goes by the name of Phinegus Fitzgerald Argyle Tiberius Caesar Fitzpatrick IV--or as he is known around my bedroom, Stupid Face. Angel Zoom Smokey has a simpler name-Breakfast. Angel is a realist. Stupid Face (what I will call him on this blog) has been observed fraternizing with birds so I don't trust him. If being friendly with birds and climbing up into trees with them isn't bad enough, am I the only dog who has observed that squirrels act like human crack addicts? If you haven't noticed, just watch them. They run around aimlessly in circles, and then they stand up like they are trying to reach something that isn't there. Then they act paranoid and start looking around like the police just drove up and know where their stash is hidden. I'm surprised the humans haven't observed this behavior and checked to see if there are any "cocaine" like properties in acorns. I'm assuming that this has become a guarded secret among the squirrels because the last thing they need is for the humans to start harvesting their acorns before they have a chance at them. Although seeing a bunch of humans hanging out around an oak tree waiting for their "drug of choice" to fall would be bark out loud funny. In fact, a couple of days ago, I saw Stupid Face fall out of a tree so you know he was high on something. I'm sure the stone I hit him with had nothing whatsover to do with him falling. Upon falling out of the tree, Angel Zoom Smokey started singing a song she wrote, "Give me a break, give me a break, break me off a piece of that Stupid Face". Stupid Face did not seem to appreciate the musical rendition so he went running to another tree (opium limb--you know they have to be on more drugs than just acorns). This is when I realized that they are not only in league with birds, but with space aliens who, incidentally, are also on acorns. Why do you think they came here? It is to get their acorn supply. This is why you have to kill all birds because they have evil friends.
Demon Flash Bandit (Never Trust Stupid Face Squirrel)