Fur Party Rally

I personally don't think it is a coincidence that election day in the United States is so close after Halloween. My guess is that the founding fathers were sitting around the table trying to decide when to hold election day. One of them (I would guess Franklin) said, "since election day could be scary some years, why not make it shortly after Halloween because if the people have survived monsters coming to their door, some of the candidates won't seem quite so scary". On the subject of scary things, I think it only fair that I write about the Rally for Sanity/Fear that was held on the national mall yesterday. Jon Stewart from The Daily Show was the head of the Rally for Sanity. Personally, I think this is a tough one for the humans since, from this dog's observation, there are lots of insane humans. I can prove this by the fact that some humans don't own dogs and some only own cats. A rare few super insane ones have pet birds--yes, birds!!!! You can't get any more insane than that. Despite the many warnings I have issued about birds causing global warming, some humans even want them as pets. Yes, insanity is very prevalent among the humans.

The Rally for Fear led by Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report had more appeal for some of the humans. Some of the smarter humans have realized that, scientifically speaking, you can actually scare your way to power. The fear can be totally unfounded, but I guarantee that if you are running for a political office, and you announce that, if your opponent gets into office, aliens with chain saws will take over the planet killing all the inhabitants, a large percentage of the humans will vote for them. Some will even start building underground shelters in their back yards to protect them from the alien threat. As if aliens would come to Earth with chain saw technology. If they can invent a ship that travels across the galaxy, you know they will have better weapons than a chainsaw. This is why they can't return to sanity--they probably were never sane in the first place.

Glenn Beck was having a Rally for Restoring Honor at the Lincoln Memorial. Maybe he and Sarah Palin are missing honor in their lives, but that doesn't mean there aren't a lot of honorable people in the United States-but most of them aren't running for political office. Maybe he needs to meet some regular working citizens. By the way, he estimates that 500,000 attended his rally. My guess is that CBS, who hired professional group counters had it correct at 87,000, which is actually a lot of humans attending.

Rush Limbaugh said that the Rally for Sanity/Fear will build conservative voter turnout. and that people who attended the Rally for Sanity/Fear just came to listen to some half baked comedians. This dog thinks he is jealous that their comedy routines are better than his. Sure, he is funny, but just not as funny as they are. When he says they were there to smoke some "doobies", he probably knows what he is talking about. He has had some drug addiction problems of his own. Is it any wonder that this dog is a member of the Fur party? We had our own rally last night. It was the return to Burger King and Dingo Bones rally. We had dogs from all over the country come to our rally--the crowd was estimated at 100 milli0n. If the humans really want sensible government, and intelligent leadership: I say vote dog! Remember to vote for the Fur party. Of course, there is extreme prejudice against our party so we will be write in candidates, but imagine how much better the world would be if Demon Flash Bandit were the President. My slogan would be bacon and burgers for everyone. Who could resist that kind of campaign promise?

Demon Flash Bandit (Standing With the Fur Party)

Towns That Ban Trick or Treating

I just read that some towns in the United States are banning trick or treating on Halloween for children over the age of 12. This is supposed to avoid problems with teens. Mommy thinks this is stupid since teens are less likely to get into trouble if they are doing something. She even laughingly quoted her teachers when they used to say, "idle hands are the devils workshop" before giving their student stupid busy work to do that didn't really matter. I'll spare you her commentary on those teachers. They may have had a point in their reasoning, but they usually weren't the best teachers. I told her how could they sit at their desk and read the latest issue of Barely Legal or Teacher's Pet ( I suspect Mommy made up that one) magazines if the kids weren't busy? Okay, maybe I'm thinking of my dog trainer because every time I went to class, she had a copy of Barkly Legal magazine in her desk. This is why I insisted on being home schooled. I heard from some of my classmates how she really "loved" dogs. Sure, like many of the human children who are home schooled, it is much easier since my humans have no clue how to train dogs, but that is okay with me. I've been training them since I should be the one in charge anyway. However, the subject of this blog is not about the advantages of home schooling--you know, where a parent with a limited education decides to opt out of allowing people with advanced degrees to teach their kids so that they can pass their ignorance onto their offspring. (Sure, there are exceptions, but as a general rule, this is true of about 90% of home schooling.) This blog is about proper ages for trick or treating. Despite my humans more lenient attitude on this matter, this dog does not think the law goes far enough. I think trick or treating should be banned for all children because, as I have posted before, this dog hates it when the little deadbeats come to the door for candy handouts that could be eaten by this dog. What if they decide to come up with a meat handout, and the children come by wanting bacon and Burger King. I would have to put my paw down on that. No child is going to take my Burger King away from me. Perhaps I need to give the King of the Burgers a call. Some ideas need to be stopped before they are started. I'll write more tomorrow.

Demon Flash Bandit (Candy is Bad Enough--Stay Away from the Meat)

I Solve Yet Another Mystery

It never ceases to amuse this dog what the humans on the Internet will speculate about. Today's musings involve a silent "Charlie Chaplin" film made in 1928 in which an old lady has her hand to her ear, and many of the humans are assuming that she is a time traveller talking on a cell phone or she is an alien. Granted, these are interesting concepts, but if you see the photo, if she were a time traveler using a cell phone, she would not be dressed in such attire. The same goes for an alien--I'm sure they have more fashion sense than to dress like her. I can understand why she would wish she had a cell phone. She would likely be calling her agent to protest that the zebra had a bigger part in the movie than her. Perhaps she was on the phone complaining that she had been cast in a Charlie Chaplin silent movie. My theory is that it was the "wireless version" of Pony Express, and she was giving the zebra the message he was supposed to send to the intended recipient--as I said earlier-probably her agent. Since it was a silent film, what would be the point of talking anyway? It wasn't like the audience could hear her which might explain a lot. Do you know how much it disturbs actors when they don't have an actual speaking part? She was probably annoyed that the technology allowing her to speak on film was not invented yet. Sure, aliens do visit from time to time to pick up some carry out food or do some experiments on humans. I have seen this many times on movies. I suppose it depends on what planet they come from. I'm sure there are people who have travelled in time. I was watching the television show, The Office, and they had Benjamin Franklin on there in one episode. He had to travel in time to make that appearance so it was extra nice of him to be so considerate.

I think it is safe to conclude that the woman was not on a time traveller using a cell phone and she was not a space alien. Sure, she could have just been insane, but that is a far more logical conclusion that the ones many people are forming. We dogs know that the humans do tend to act crazy, but they can't help it--they aren't dogs!

Demon Flash Bandit (Commenting on The Circus)

My Crystal Bone is Safe!

It seems that the actress, Bryce Dallas Howard, thinks she might be psychic. I immediately went to check on my crystal bone. Since I did my psychic blog in which I predict the future, I had to make sure that Bryce had not broken into my house and stolen my precious crystal bone. Thank dog it is still there! I think she is just trying to copy me because all the celebrites want to be more like me, Demon Flash Bandit. To be honest, I can't blame them. I am one awesome dog! Besides, I bet they want to eat Burger King more often too.

I saw on the news that Texas has sent a sales tax bill to Amazon.com for 269 million dollars. Someone should inform the state of Texas that sales tax is paid by the buyers--not the merchant, and therefore, the tax should be levied in advance so the merchant knows to charge said tax. If I owned Amazon, I would shut down the Texas distribution center immediately and move it elsewhere. Some states would actually welcome the distribution center. I'm waiting to see if the humans running Amazon think logically like Demon Flash Bandit or not. You would be surprised at just how illogical some of the humans can be. I'm not saying that Amazon should or should not charge sales tax, but you should not send a bill until it is legally decided and the business has a chance to make the charge. Shame on Texas for not having common sense.

It is windy here today, and I hear the stupid tornado siren going off so I'd better sign off now.

Demon Flash Bandit (Sometimes a Political Commentator)

Weather Predictions

After I wrote about my psychic visions seen in my crystal bone in yesterday's blog, today I have decided to predict the weather. Since my blog is read all over the world, I will cover all areas. I think my predictions will prove more accurate than those of local meteorologists simply because I happen to have attended meteorology school--The University of Weather. You can't get a more prestigious degree for weather forecasting than one from there. I know that many activities depend on the weather so I'm sure this will be very helpful, and you don't even have to thank me--I'm glad to do it.

I predict that the weather will be hot, cold or in between. There will be sunshine, rain, snow, sleet, or hail. Also the possibilities of a tornado, hurricane, or tsunami exist. There could be no wind, heavy winds, or calm winds. Flooding is possible as is arid weather. Perhaps there will be an earthquake.

I'm sure all of my readers will rest easier knowing what the weather will be like. As you have noticed, I make sure that my weather reports are never wrong. A dog like me has a reputation to uphold. Now I will just sit back and wait to be hired by a major network news show or the Weather Channel. As you can see, I am the most qualified for the job since I am amazingly accurate.

May your area have nice weather!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Meteorologist)

Reading my Crystal Bone

As a special treat for my readers, I have decided to use my talent as Demon Flash Bandit, Psychic Dog, to predict the future. I looked into my Crystal Bone and these are the events that I saw come to pass.



1. The actress, Lindsey Lohan, will continue drug rehab for the rest of her life. I do not see a successful future career for her unless she can get roles involving being on drugs.



2. A new car will be manufactured that runs on coffee, and people will report that they have trouble getting it started in the morning.



3. Newspapers will be replaced by netbook computers which the paper boy will throw on people's roofs everyday--unless he decides to break a window.



4. Humans will finally declare war on birds.



5. Cats will actually act happy to see their owners as more of them are replaced by dogs due to the loyalty that dogs show to their humans.



6. In politics, the Tea Party will make tea.



7. Obamacare will be such a rousing success that the Republicans will start calling it Wcare, but it will make them look stupid because most of the humans will think it stands for Whocares.



8. Arnold Swarzen--however you spell his name-gubenator of California will be replaced by Kermit the Frog, and California's economy will improve.



9. The big sled race in Alaska, Iditarod, will have all the dogs following one of the lead dogs, Demon Flash Bandit, to Burger King's drive thru in Anchorage. I have to admit this one is cheating a bit since I have already decided to do this.



Now, you can sit back and wait for my skill as a psychic to be proven.



Demon Flash Bandit (Psychic Dog)

I'm Voting for Good Candy and the Fur Party

It must be lousy to be a human. I just finished checking out the worst Halloween candy you can eat (from a calorie standpoint), and then the best. I know other dogs who read this will not be surprised to learn that some of the same candy was on both lists. Both lists were on the same website. I have re-named this website-the insane health report. Sure, they don't know that they have been re-named, but the new name does fit. According to the site, the "best" candy is dum dums. Am I the only dog that suspects that the manufacturers of dum dums owns this site? I have talked to enough human puppies (and adult humans) to know that, although suckers are nice, they are not considered the Holy Grail of Halloween candy--they are the ones the neighbors who don't want to spend much money to give out. Yes, the bag of 1,000 suckers for $3.99 is hard to pass up particularly if you are cheap. Sure, I like them, but even dogs know there is better candy than dum dums. Look at the brand name. The company doesn't even bother to come up with a decent name for them like Great Licks or Enjoy all Day--they call them dum dums. Dumb is not generally a word that you use when you are giving a compliment to someone so it is a stupid name for a product. I'm glad I'm not the ad agency that has to come up with a campaign for that candy. I seriously doubt they have an ad campaign. My guess is that the price sells the product. If I manage to sneak out trick or treating on Halloween, and you see it is me, make sure you give me the good stuff. It is okay to give dum dums to the little deadbeat human puppies, but this dog has standards!

As I'm sure you may have gathered from the previous paragraph, we dogs often doubt the sanity of the average human. Since it is nearing election time, this is even more clear than usual. Election time is always fun here in the United States. It is even more fun than usual because there is a new group, the Tea Party who has decided that everyone in the country hates what is going on. I myself ran for President last time, and I would never run for the Tea Party. First of all, I was never that fond of the story, Alice in Wonderland, and the Mad Hatter was insane so why would I want to join the Tea Party? Also, I'm not a big fan of tea, and the local tea parties are mostly for little girls and their teddy bears and dolls. The little girls usually dress up in frilly costumes. I'm a He-Man type dog and as such, I would not want to be found dressing in a silly costume (not even a He-Man costume), and drinking tea with an insane hatter. I hate hats too. I won't even get into the Davy Crockett hat my human dad bought me when I was a puppy. When you have to go to Hillbilly Village to find a hat for a dog, my suggestion is, don't. I know very few dogs who will like it, and thank dog I don't wear it. I would not want to have squirrels in the yard making fun of my hat!

Anyway, for those of you living in the United States, I would suggest you vote for my party, the Fur Party. The humans have made enough mistakes. Time to let us furs take over.

Demon Flash Bandit (Member of Fur Party)