Sunday, September 28, 2014

Demon Flash Bandit: Dog Film Director

Great news for all dogs---there is now a company that makes it possible for us to make our own films!  Finally someone has read my blog and listened to my wisdom.  I always say movies would be better with all dog casts.  In fact, I know my blog is influencing the Internet world when I talk about getting gussied up, and within a couple of days, I read on MSN news that people are getting gussied up for George Clooney's wedding.  I should start a consulting company to advise the humans on what they should sell.  I'd make them billions!  Anyway, I told my humans to buy me this "dog" camcorder so I can make the kind of epic motion picture that the humans have been waiting for since time began.  Of course, Angel Zoom Smokey and myself will star.  I will become even more famous and iconic than I am now.  I've heard about Paul Newman's baby blue eyes, but that will be replaced with Demon Flash Bandit's puppy blue eyes among the humans.  I'm sure my movie will make more money and be a bigger box office smash than Avatar or Titanic.  I even plan to do a couple of "art films" involving lawn art among dogs which is seldom appreciated by the humans.  For those dogs out there who also want to make their own epic movie, and I can just see Whitley or Finley making one about chasing squirrels, I am going to share the link.  Happy filming!!!!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Director)

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Silly Hats, Politics, Religion, and Sharing Food

I just finished watching one of the sickest "human love scenes" ever filmed.  After watching it, I am amazed that this Showtime program was even allowed to air it in the first place.  That television show is The Borgias.  Mommy bought the second and third season on blu ray.  (She already has the first season), and she liked the show so she bought more seasons from Amazon.)  I was watching it with Mommy, and I could scarcely believe what I was seeing with my own beautiful blue eyes.  Yes, I need to mention my eye color because the humans seem really impressed when I meet them, and they see my puppy blue eyes.  Anyway, in the aforementioned scene, a couple was about to get together, and they started the whole thing with food.  I'm sure all my dog readers will be thinking, "Demon, that sounds like a good start, why are you so upset with the show?".  I'll try to explain it so even the humans will understand.  They started the session with a fig. The woman handed the fig to the man and he took a bite.  Then the woman took a bite.  Then they both put their tongues each other's mouths.  Obviously, each human was trying to score both bites!  I've never had a fig so maybe the figs don't taste good, and the "loser" gets both bites and the "winner" is the one who didn't get anything at all.  However, if the food happened to be a piece of bacon, that would be a no-brainer (which means even the humans "get it").  I would know that both humans want both pieces of bacon!!!!   I should add that the humans playing the roles were thin, Hollywood" types.  I'm sure the fat humans would understand why the dogs are so mad about that scene.  Fat humans are smart enough to know that you can't let that sort of thin happens!

By the way, while I am writing this, I might as well give the show a review while I'm here.  The Borgias happens to be a "historical" show based on real life events.  It would have been better with an all dog cast, but we dogs know  that already.  You don't need to read about it in my blog!  The story is about the church (Catholic) and politics.  I think the reason there was a lot of clerics in the movie is because there was a silly hat convention in Rome during that time period.  If wearing a silly hat wasn't enough, many of the silly hat wearers were men wearing dresses.  My guess is that those humans are trying to pitch a new concept reality show to the network executives  Personally, I don't think it is a bad idea for a reality show--humans wearing silly hats and dresses,...I'd watch that show!   I would wait and watch the whole Borgias series before I post my review, but it was an okay show.  It was filmed well, and the special effects were good.  However, if you are of the dog persuasion, I would stick with something that is better--Snow Dogs or Eight Below come to mind.  I hope everyone has a nice weekend!

Demon Flash Bandit (Love is Never Having Your Food "Stolen")

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Grumpy Cat's Phone Was Hacked

I now know how so many of the celebrities feel when they have their telephones hacked and nude photos are leaked onto the Internet.  I myself am a victim of that crime.  Yes, I had some photos of myself without clothing on the Internet that were on my telephone.  Thank dog I was wearing my fur.  To be fair, I would not store any "furless" photos on my phone anyway.  I keep my fur on just as God intended for a dog to do.  If I did shave my fur, I would not allow anyone to take photos, and I don't keep embarrassing photos on my phone.  Why the human celebrities don't think the same way is beyond me.  I get the feeling that they don't care and they want the attention.  Yesterday I wrote about Honey Boo Boo and her family, and I heard that Mama June had some nude photos leaked.  This dog won't be looking for them.  I'm glad I taught my humans better sense than to keep photos like that on their phones.  There is one celebrity who was hacked who has my sympathy.  Grumpy Cat had nude photos leaked from the phone, and, as you can imagine, the cat is very grumpy about  it.  I feel bad for the cat.  Cats aren't as smart as dogs or humans so they don't know any better.

Demon Flash Bandit (Don't Put Embarrassing Photos in Phones)

Monday, September 22, 2014

Chickens are Not Pets

Who would have expected Mama June and Sugar Bear (Honey Boo Boo's parents) to separate?  I'm not even sure if a couple who aren't married can officially "separate" either.  I'm not saying that they can't choose to go separate ways, but it isn't like there is any legal agreement for them to stay together.  Perhaps they should have a non-commitment ceremony so the viewers of the show will get yet another chance to see Mama June and Honey Boo Boo guzzied up in their finest clothing.  For those of you who don't bark colloquial words, guzzied means dressed up.  How could this happen?  If there is one family in the U.S. who seem to have it all together, it is them.  Not since Cinderella and her Prince (or the other fairy tale royal couples) has there been such a perfect couple.  I'm sure all of us are wondering if Honey Boo Boo will stay the sweet well behaved chereb that she is or if she will become an annoying little brat.    I would say we can all watch and wait to see what happens.  However, I am not a fan of the show, and I don't watch it.  It is just that Honey Boo Boo has become such a star that even those of us who don't watch the show know who they are barking about in the news.  I'm not sure, but I think she has a pet chicken.  What kind of decent humans have a chicken as a pet?  Angel Zoom Smokey said if a chicken enters our yard, it is either dinner or a snack depending on the size of the chicken--or the time of day.  If it in the morning, it could be breakfast.  Since  chicken is part of the bird family, I can't watch the show.  If you ask me, it is a severely messed up family who should not be on television, No family should have a pet bird....NEVER...NEVER...NEVER!!   Birds are evil!

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Honey Boo Boo)

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Makin' Bacon Recipe

Today's blog is a recipe for a real treat for us dogs--how to make your own bacon at home.  It is supposed to taste even better than commercially made bacon from the store.  I don't know how that is possible because the bacon I eat is delicious, but if you can make it even better, I'm all for that!  I would like to tell you that I tried to make this myself and report the results, but I can't impart that information.  I did try to make it, but you start with pork bellies.  Is it my fault that the pork bellies smelled pretty good without being made into bacon?  I have to admit that I gave into the temptation to eat them before they became bacon.  I'm not complaining about my lack of will power because I am willing to continue trying to make bacon everyday.  That is just the kind of hard working, diligent dog I am!  Besides, it is hardly my fault that bacon tastes so good.  Anyway, I suggest you try making it yourself or better yet, get your humans to do it for you.  Why should a dog have to do the work?  That is what the humans are here for!  The only advantage to a dog doing it him or herself if that you get to eat the pork bellies that you don't get around to making into bacon.  It is a win-win situation for a dog either way.  Bacon or pork bellies--either way a dog gets some tasty meatz!  Here is the website to show you have to make bacon:

The site is helpful even though you don't make bacon from "scratch", you make it from pork bellies.  I'm sure a human must have come up with the title.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With a Love for Bacon)

Friday, September 19, 2014

No Trap can Hold Demon Flash Bandit

The score is humans: 2 and dogs: 3.  I guess I had better explain this score.  In the house my humans used to live in before they moved here, mice would occasionally get into the garage which was not attached to the house.  Mommy always kept some mouse killer stuff in there to keep them out.  Because this house has an attached 2 car garage, she sometimes gets a bit paranoid that mice might get into the garage and then get into the house.  I'm not sure how that would happen since the door to the garage is seldom used.  (At this moment in time, the garage is basically a big storage area with stuff no one needs.)  Yes, I know a garage is supposed to be meant for cars, but my humans aren't normal.  I think you have probably already noticed that from reading my blogs.  By the way, Mommy does not mind Mickey's cousins, but wants them to stay outside where they belong.  Anyway, Mommy got some glue traps for the house because she thought the traps were disgusting, and she was afraid Angel or I might get into the poison ones.  I once had a great time eating an ant trap.  No, it didn't even make me sick, but Mommy got super upset that I ate it.  Now she won't even use them anymore so I don't get to eat another tasty trap.  Now for the explanation of the score.  Once the traps were in place, both my brothers managed to step on them so the traps caught 2 humans.  Both Angel and I stepped on them and got our paws caught on them.  Then the funniest one was when Angel sat down on one and completely freaked out running through the house because something had her butt!  HILARIOUS!!!!!!!  Therefore, the score is 2 humans and 3 dogs.  No, there were no mice.  I don't think we ever had any of the little critters in the first place.  I did hear Mommy say that perhaps we should get a cat, but I barked that they should just use traps.  I have enough problems dealing with Angel Zoom Smokey.  I don't need a spoiled cat hanging around.

Demon Flash Bandit (I Was Caught in a Trap, but I Got Out)

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Why Outlaw Candy?

Finally I understand why so many of my human neighbors around here are mad at the U.S. government.  Although most dogs don't get involved in politics, this dog has run for President several times already, and I plan to run again in the next election.  I feel that a dog can do a better job than a human paws down.  Anyway, the reason I am upset with the government is that I was napping the other day, and I heard someone say something about candy being illegal.  This dog happens to enjoy  some Mike and Ikes or Swedish fish everyday, and I don't want to have to get bootleg candy from the sweeteasy down the street.  You know that if an an area has a "candy house" in the neighborhood, it will draw all kinds of low lifes who just want to sit around and eat candy.  I'm not saying that I wouldn't enjoy that kind of lifestyle, but a dog has to do some napping and eat some regular meatz also.  I don't know of any dog who puts candy in their nose.  Obviously, this is something the stupid humans are doing.  Who knows why they put the candy in their noses?  Does it make sense to make candy illegal just because many of the humans are stupid?  Why does a dog have to suffer?  At least now I understand why my neighbors are so annoyed at the government.  They must love candy as much as I do.  I hope they watch the television series, Boardwalk Empire.  Prohibition caused a lot of violence and encouraged mobsters like Al Capone.  By the way, he looks like a human who enjoyed candy too.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Does Not Put Candy in my Nose)

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

We'll Leave the Light on for Angel Zoom Smokey

My brother got a bunch of packages in the mail today, and all of it is worthless...worthless....worthless!  He did not order even one doggy treat, toy, or bone.  Can you believe it?  He ordered a stupid record for himself of the Ghostbuster song.  It is supposed to glow in the dark, but he came in to show Mommy that feature, and Mommy reminded him not to.  It seems that Angel Zoom Smokey freaks out whenever it gets dark, and she does not get excited if stuff glows in the dark.  She just wants the lights left on so my humans leave them on for her.  I've got to go now.  I plan to make a run to the kitchen to see if we have any bacon.  I don't think we do, but a dog can hope!

Demon Flash Bandit (Not a Fan of Ghostbusters when it Aids My Humans!

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Sharing a Recipe for Dead Birds

As many of my readers are fully aware, I am a dog of many talents.  Today I am putting on my chef's hat and apron to share a recipe which I found interesting when I ran across it on the Internet.  By the way, I wrote a blog recently about the pope wearing a silly hat, and the chef's hat is equally silly.  In fact, most of human fashions are silly!  However, I promised my readers a recipe not a judgment on the humans and their lack of taste in fashion so here goes.  This is a delicacy among the Inuit peoples who live in the north.  Personally, I think these lucky people live in one of the nicest climates in the world, but many of the humans would not agree.  All us huskies like cold and snow.  The delicacy is a sealskin that is filled with birds and buried for 3 to 18 months.  Then they dig up the sealskin and eat the birds which have by that time fermented inside the sealskin.  Their dogs have told them it is delicious.  Meanwhile, their dogs are eating bacon.  Once again, the humans are fooled into eating garbage by their dogs.  However, I think it is great that the humans are killing  birds.  I wish more humans had their insight!

Demon Flash Bandit (Bacon is Even Better than Dead Birds)

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Take Hostages if Necessary

Do you ever have one of those days when you eat your normal amount of food, but you are still hungry?  I had one of those days today.  I had chicken, but I was still hungry and I wanted ham.  Actually, I wanted bacon, but Mommy didn't have any bacon.  Imagine not having bacon on your shopping list!  My humom is so dumb!  Anyway, I was barking for more food, and my brother was watching television and ignoring me.  Low and behold, I saw a box with Jonathan Archer and his chair from the Enterprise, and I went over and grabbed it with my front paws, and I laid down next to it and held onto it with my paws.  My brothers are major Star Trek fans so I knew that would get their attention.  If they want the Enterprise and Archer back, the dog had to get some ham.  Yes, it worked.  I got ham and so did Angel Zoom Smokey.  I told her not to say I never did anything for her because we both enjoyed the ham.  This is my lesson to my fellow dogs for today.  If you want something from the humans, hold something they want hostage and you stand a better chance of getting what you want.  I know from experience, this method works!

Demon Flash Bandit (Holding Human Toy Hostage)

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Does the Pope Wear a Funny Hat?

I think the humans have a brain.  Do they ever use said brain.?  Why do I ask?  Tonight my humom asked me if I wanted a treat.  I couldn't believe she even had to ask so I (sarcastically)  barked, "does the pope wear a funny hat?".  By the way, yes, the pope does wear a funny hat.   I'm guessing that is because he is a human and they are always wearing silly looking things.  Just the other day, Mommy said that she was shopping at Meijer and they had temporary dog fur dye and claw polish for dogs on clearance.  Thankfully, she left them sitting there because Angel and I have no plans to have a "day of beauty" which we would refer to as a "nightmare come to life".  I know the humans do silly things.  I've seen some of the humans with blue or purple hair.  Do they think the other humans are saying, "I wonder if that color is natural?  I'm not saying it matters.  If I were human, I'd probably be trying to look better too.  The humans have such a problem with looks--not much fur, trying to walk on their back paws, little semi-useless noses, and teeth that can't chew through a bone or stick.  I'd be upset if I were human, and I'd probably suggest buying me that fur dye and claw polish.  In addition to the humans lack of good looks, they lack the brains of us dogs too.  I can't say I'm not happy about that.  This dog has no intention of walking around picking up the humans' poop.  That is disgusting and sounds like a human job to me.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Does Not Pick Up Human Poop)

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Movie Review: The Eagle

Mommy bought a movie that is an insult to this dog.  The movie is called The Eagle.  I have no idea why Hollywood would make a movie starring a stupid bird or why my human would buy such a stupid movie.  Since I am being semi-forced to watch it, I will give a review of it in my blog.  My humans like it, but they are often wrong about such things.  The story takes place in Britain during the ancient Roman period and it is about some centurions who lose their eagle which is an eagle statue\ which they called a "standard".  I call it a shame to have a bird representing a group  On the good side,.  I guess even the Romans knew that carrying a real bird around would just get their uniforms dirty.  They are trying to get the eagle back which is a total waste of time.  I have to admit that I slept through most of this movie because it is about a bird, and I have better things to do than watch a movie about birds--namely napping.  I give this movie 4 paws down, and my tail is not wagging while I watch this movie about one of the most evil scourges on planet Earth, BIRDS!!!!!  What is next?  The Squirrel?  The Raccoon?  The Opossum?  If you ask me, when Hollywood has to start making bird movies and remakes of movies they made last year, I think that they have run out of ideas which is why there should be a dog in charge at the studios.  I would rather watch a movie with a dog sleeping for 2 hours than to watch a "bird" movie.  I hope the humans aren't fooled into liking birds because of this poor excuse for a movie.

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Critic)

I Don't Like False Advertising

I have a bone to pick with the state of Michigan.  Okay, forget picking the bone with the state.  I'll take the entire bone myself, but I definitely have a valid complaint with the state.  This dog  bought a lottery ticket that is called Cash for Life.  It is one of those instant tickets that a dog can scratch so I scratched it with my lucky paw (actually, all my paws are lucky paws so I can use any of them).  Afterward,  I told my humans to go and claim my cash for life.  According to my humans, the ticket is a loser which makes no sense because it clearly says "cash for life".  If there is no cash for life then this dog has been a victim of a deceptive advertising.  Since this lottery is from the state, then Michigan is the guilty culprit.  Getting a dog to buy a ticket to get cash for life and then having the dog find out that there is a chance that he won't get that cash is just wrong---WRONG!!!!! I plan to hire a lawyer and sue the state to get my cash. Don't tell the state, but I might be willing to settle out of court for a good bone.  Bones are better than cash anyway since I would buy bones with any money I won anyway.  However, the lottery needs to end if everyone doesn't win.  Who wants to buy a ticket and pay good money for it to los?  I'm sure even the humans aren't that stupid.  I bet they don't know they could lose or they would not buy the tickets.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Deceived by Lottery)

Monday, September 8, 2014

Catering For Kisses!

My brother, Jeff who lives here with me ordered Amazon Prime.  This is largely because he is always ordering on Amazon, and he gets free shipping on most of his orders.  He also gets a bunch of television shows and movies free or at a small cost.  By the way, I am a nice dog to allow my brother to continue living at home, but he is a lot more fun than Angel Zoom Smokey.  Jeff seldom steals my treats, and I tell him what to do and he does it-unlike the other dog who lives here.  (I'm not mentioning names, but her initials are AZS.).  Anyway, Mommy and Jeff are very pleased with the service, and I got to admit that you would not expect such high technology from a company based in the Amazon Rain Forest. It muse be difficult for their employees to even get to work!  Yet they come through with such amazing ideas that a dog has to give them the 4 paw salute.  Mommy doesn't even have to use the computer to watch the stuff.  The stuff is "streamed" from the computer to the big screen tvs without the house even getting wet!  I think that is a special talent because most of the streams I know about are filled with water.

Now to get to the subject of my blog today which is the television show, Catering Wars,  This show only has 3 episodes, but the first one was interesting.  How did they capture my interest?  Because in the first episode, a lady hired the caterers to throw a "Bark Mitzvah" for her dog.  One of the caterers actually said "rich people ain't got no sense" in response to throwing a party for the dog. I did get offended by that statement.  Why not throw a party for a dog?  We dogs are a lot nicer than most of the humans, and we often love out families more than  the human's relatives do.  However, despite what one of the caterers said, they did a good job throwing the party for the dog;  and fortunately for the humans, we dogs are very forgiving partly because we know the humans are stupid so they say dumb things a lot!  The rest of the shows dealt with human parties and were basically uninteresting.  However, as I said,  the first episode is good.  All a dog has to do is fast forward through the human parties because, as usual, they are uninteresting.  In fact, I don't understand why more humans aren't operating catering and party planning businesses for dogs.  We like to eat and socialize even more so than the humans!  We also shower humans with lots of kisses when they are good to us, and what human doesn't want to be drenched in dog drool?

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Wants a Catered Party)

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Furless Human Passed up Star Wars Promo Figures!

My humans are watching a show called Pawn Stars which is ridiculous because I have yet to see a dog on the program.  Who wants to watch a bunch of stupid humans buying and selling stuff that a dog could care less about?  Besides, in one episode, the furless human passed up a couple of promo life sized Star Wars characters (Darth Maul and Jar Jar Binks).  He was only willing to pay $200. each for them, and the human who owned them would not sell them that cheap which  shows he was a lot smarter than the furless human at the pawn shop.  Yet, in the same episode, Mr. Furless bought a dr.s buggy, and paid $800 for it.  Sure, it is an antique, but to think that a dr.s buggy would sell better than something from Star Wars--even the 3 latest bad movies is ridiculous.  This is why I called up the studio and suggested a better program--Dog Stars.  A couple of dogs sleeping through the program would be more interesting than the humans on the show my humans were watching.  Mommy said she would have bought the Star Wars promos from the man.  I guess Mommy has more sense than the furless guy.  Mommy also realizes something that we dogs know already...most humans will buy movie memorabilia from a popular movie faster than they buy a presidential autograph.  Most of the humans aren't  "intellectuals".  I suspect some of them don't even know what the word "intelligence" even means.  They can't help it though--they are humans---not dogs.  I like to think that I have educated my humans with dog sense and that is why they are smarter about such things.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With Good Taste)

Saturday, September 6, 2014

I Like to Wear Camouiflage

Many humans get upset with their dogs because the dogs dig and sometimes come in from outside situations dirty and mud covered.  As usual, this is yet another misunderstanding between dogs (the more intelligent species) and humans.  A dog digs for a purpose.  There are many reasons for digging.  I will list a few of them on my blog.
1. Digging a hole so the humans may plant something new to enhance the landscaping.
2. Digging for ancient bones--who do you think started the idea of archaeology?
3. Checking the ground for bugs which both humans and dogs hate.
4. Relaxation...digging is very relaxing for a dog
5. Keeping claws trimmed naturally so that the humans
    saves money on  grooming or having the dogtor do it.
 6. Digging for buried treasure.  What if there is unfound pirate treasure in the back yard that would help the humans live a better life?

As you can see, there are many reasons for a dog to dig, and the humans never seem to appreciate the reasons--probably because the humans are too stupid to understand unless a dog takes the time to explain it to them in a blog.  Digging brings on yet another problem between dogs and humans and that is when a dog gets dirty or has mud all over them.  This is a matter of camouflage for a dog.  A dog can't change the colors of its fur like a chameleon so the dog has to make do with covering him or herself with dirt.  Mud does work particularly well, but dirt will do in a pinch if the ground is dry.  Why the need for camouflage?  If you have ever seen an Indiana Jones movie, you will know that there is a lot of competition in the field of archaeology.  It also does wonders for the skin.  Even some of the humans pay good money to get a mud bath which their dog is getting out in the yard free of charge.  Camouflage is also important when a dog is digging for treasure because you don't want the neighbor's dogs sneaking over to dig it up for the human neighbors. The dog next door won't see a dog digging if he is covered in mud!   However, the most compelling reason  is that a dog can sneak up on an evil bird better in camouflage. I am always glad when I'm covered in mud when I have to go after one of those evil birds.  If the birds were cooperative and would fly over and let a dog eat them, it would be a nicer world, but they are birds and  evil is never cooperative.

Demon Flash Bandit (Camouflage--Not Mud)

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

I Don't Scan--YOU Scan!

I have decided to dedicate today's blog to a human peeve (the more intelligent cousin to pet peeve) which has been annoying this dog for quite some time now.  When I go into a store to buy some treats or a new rawhide bone, I expect the store to have a cashier to take my money.  I am not a paid employee of the store nor do I wish to be.  Being employed would be a serious conflict of interest with my main purposes in life which are blogging and napping (not necessarily in that order). Therefore, I do not care for this new idea many of the stores are now implementing called 'u-scan" or "you--scan".  This is a new system wherein the customer gets to be a momentary employee so that the store can hire fewer humans.  (I don't care what they say--it is to hire fewer humans.)  Does the customer get a discount for doing the work himself?  No, he does not.  The customer just gets the thrill of doing more work himself while the company counts more profits.  This dog is getting tired of the lack of service with many large companies now, and it is not necessary to add insult to injury at the checkout line expecting a dog to do his own cashiering.  Fortunately, the stores still have a few actual human cashiers so I go to them even if I have to wait in line a little longer.  This dog has standards and I do not work to let the big companies make more money from my efforts.. If this trend continues, I can just start ordering my stuff from the Internet.  At least with the Internet, if I "check" out myself, I don't have to bother to go to the store to do so, and the item is delivered to my door.  How is that for convenience?

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Does Not "U-Scan)