My Wise Advice to Queen Lady

Today I plan to share a letter with my readers that will be sent to my pal, The Queen Lady. I read about Princess Kate turning down free clothing, and , as usual, I knew that the royal family could use my wise counsel involving this issue.

Dear Your Royal Highness Queen Lady,
I know you must be upset that Princess Kate is turning down free clothing. Does she think your family is made of money? When I read that on the Internet news, I knew that you would need some good advice from your pal, Demon Flash Bandit. It isn't like the clothing she is being offered is used although if it is used and not washed yet, Angel Zoom Smokey and myself have found that sniffing it can be quite interesting. I'm sure your Corgis would understand, but I know that humans don't always appreciate a good smell. If necessary, I will write her myself because I know how the humans always treasure my letters. However, since I am a busy dog and I write you anyway, I hope that just telling her my opinion will suffice.

Here are some great reasons for taking the clothing:

1. You might get a clown suit free because clown suits are hilarious and, judging from the hats and even some of the outfits worn at the royal wedding, clown suits are very much in fashion.
McDonalds might even hire Kate to do some commercials and can you say ca ching?

2. She might be lucky enough to get a trucker's hat, and who wouldn't want a hat that says "honk if you like big butts". Kate should be so lucky!

3. If she is super lucky, she might get a chicken outfit, and I've seen humans in chicken outfits holding signs at restaurants. I'm sure Prince William would be turned on by seeing her in a chicken outfit. If it is good enough for Brad Pitt, it is good enough for Kate.

4. If she gets a janitor's outfit, she can get extra money doing her own cleaning. Imagine, cleaning one's own house and getting paid for it! This does not apply to those French Maid outfits because she is not French so it could cause an international incident--whatever that is.

5. If she gets a cowgirl outfit, William might buy her a pet cow!

6. She might get some normal clothes so she can look more like a girl and less like modern art. The only thing missing from her outfits is a toilet.

7. Someone might give her an outfit made from money which she could use to buy stuff.

8. Lady Gaga might design a meat outfit for her--practical and delicious. The Corgis would love that!

9. She might get an outfit from a very tall man and she can wear it and act like she has shrunk and then make a movie about it. That is always a good subject for a movie.

10. She can get a scarecrow outfit to keep the crows out of the garden, but be careful if Batman is around. He seems to have issues with scarecrows.

11. She might get a Burger King outfit and then she would know what real royal power feels like.

I do think it is wise for her to take the free clothing, but I must applaud her willingness to turn them down. As a dog, I also prefer no clothing, but I'm not sure it is a good idea for a member of the royal family. Besides, I suspect her sister, Pippa, will end up taking care of the naked part.

Demon Flash Bandit (Sharing a Letter I Wrote to the Queen Lady)

Just Plain Demon Flash Bandit is Okay

Prince Philip celebrated his 90th birthday, and was given a new title by Queen Elizabeth. He is now Lord High Admiral of the Royal Navy. I want to go on record stating that titles might mean something to the humans. However, if you are getting a birthday gift for this dog, skip the title, and think toys and/or treats. It isn't like I'm going to come any faster when called if I have more titles added to my name. In fact, I have been known not to bother to come when the humans call me if I know it is over something stupid (which is basically anything that disturbs me when I'm not in the mood to be disturbed). I guess it is nice that the humans are so easily pleased. Companies take advantage of this when they skip giving a raise and give the human a new title instead. Personally, I don't care if you are a janitor or "executive in Charge of Maintaining Cleanliness", all that really matters to this dog is the pay. If I can't buy any extra treats, what is the point? It is just more trouble for me to tell people what I do. Of course, being a dog, I'm far too intelligent to actually work for money. I leave that to the humans. You would think they would learn that they are going to work everyday while their dogs are napping, but the humans never seem to realize how silly they are. I have no intention of telling them since I like how the system works. If it works, you don't try to fix it. Anyway, I hope Prince Philip is happy with his new title. Maybe when he is 100, he will be given the title, Assistant to the Queen.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Does Not Need a Title)