Today I am going to discuss something near and dear to a dog's heart--trees. I have yet to meet a dog who didn't love trees. I might add that trees owe a lot to us dogs too because we never forget to water them. Trees give a dog shade in the summer, and provide sticks with which we can play. Most trees just kind of stand around in one spot and keep quiet, but there are trees like the ones in Lord of the Rings, who decide to move around and fight the villains. The only sad thing about trees is that birds use them which is not the fault of the trees. No self respecting tree wants to help a bird, but because most of them don't move around, the birds take advantage of the tree. Next time you are watering a tree, and you see a bird sitting on one of its branches, bark at it and try to get it to move. If the tree is the type of tree that can talk, it will thank you. If it can't talk, you know it appreciates your thoughtfulness.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Trees)
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
The Name's Bandit, Demon Flash Bandit
The name's Bandit--Demon Flash Bandit. I like my water shaken not stirred. I'm practicing for my new role as a secret agent. Since I know how to speak fluent bird, I have been chosen to be a secret agent. I know you might ask, why are you posting it on your blog where everyone can read it since it is supposed to be a secret? I know my readers won't tell the birds, and birds are illiterate. We are talking about a species that flies into glass doors and windows. If a species is dumb enough to die because they flew into a window, I think teaching them to read is hopeless. By the way, I have mentioned this fact to my humans, and so far, no birds are in danger from flying into the windows at my house. It seems my humans aren't overly worried about window cleaning no matter how much it would help in the epic battle against birds. I think the technical term for it is laziness. It isn't that I really care how clean the windows happen to be, but it would be cool to watch a bird meet his maker after flying into one. It is like stand up comedy for dogs--only I guess you would have to call it fly in comedy. But I digest or digress--I am proud to be chosen by the CIAB (Central Information Agency on Birds) to be at the forefront of the fight against the evil little snow stealers. When I hear them outside singing because they stole all my snow, it makes me want to take my paw and smack them. I only hope that we dogs can stop them before they take over the planet. For such a stupid species, they really have the humans fooled, but I guess it isn't that hard to fool the humans.
Demon Flash Bandit (Bandit, Demon Flash Bandit)
Demon Flash Bandit (Bandit, Demon Flash Bandit)
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Thoughts a Dog Contemplates When Resting
Today I am going to share some of my thoughts with my readers so that you can see that, even when a dog is just sitting around, we are thinking of serious issues.
1. If dogs are on a raw diet, is that called Doggy sushi?
2. Are telemarketers humans who sell telephones and/or televisions?
3. Are cell phones meant only for use in prison cells?
4. When a human gets put into the dog house, does the dog who lives in that house get to move into the human's house? This does not apply to dogs like me who already live in the human's house.
5. How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie roll pop? Okay, I've been known to mention this frequently--can I help it is this dog likes candy?
6. If you eat a bone in the forest when no other dogs are around, will it still taste just as good?
7. At the sled race, Iditarod, in Alaska, why aren't the humans pulling the sled?
8. Why don't the humans put homeless humans in shelters and see if someone will "adopt" them like they do dogs? Wouldn't that solve the homeless problem?
9. Why aren't there more doggy interior decorators since our ideas are so much more interesting than that of human decorators? Have you ever seen a human decorator make paw prints a main motif for a room?
10. If dog food tastes so good and if it is so nutritious, why don't the humans eat it?
11. Why do the humans waste time planting grass and flowers and then get upset when we dogs dig them up? They know that it is what was are going to do, so why not just accept it and make life easier on themselves?
12. Why do humans assume dogs can't spell?
As you can see, I do a lot of thinking when the humans probably think I'm just resting. Most humans just don't understand the superior mental ability of the average dog.
Demon Flash Bandit (Serious Thinker)
1. If dogs are on a raw diet, is that called Doggy sushi?
2. Are telemarketers humans who sell telephones and/or televisions?
3. Are cell phones meant only for use in prison cells?
4. When a human gets put into the dog house, does the dog who lives in that house get to move into the human's house? This does not apply to dogs like me who already live in the human's house.
5. How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie roll pop? Okay, I've been known to mention this frequently--can I help it is this dog likes candy?
6. If you eat a bone in the forest when no other dogs are around, will it still taste just as good?
7. At the sled race, Iditarod, in Alaska, why aren't the humans pulling the sled?
8. Why don't the humans put homeless humans in shelters and see if someone will "adopt" them like they do dogs? Wouldn't that solve the homeless problem?
9. Why aren't there more doggy interior decorators since our ideas are so much more interesting than that of human decorators? Have you ever seen a human decorator make paw prints a main motif for a room?
10. If dog food tastes so good and if it is so nutritious, why don't the humans eat it?
11. Why do the humans waste time planting grass and flowers and then get upset when we dogs dig them up? They know that it is what was are going to do, so why not just accept it and make life easier on themselves?
12. Why do humans assume dogs can't spell?
As you can see, I do a lot of thinking when the humans probably think I'm just resting. Most humans just don't understand the superior mental ability of the average dog.
Demon Flash Bandit (Serious Thinker)
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
How To Become a Successful Dog Artist
When I was a puppy, I got into some paint and painted my nose orange--yes just like the color I'm using for my blog today. The paint was non toxic craft paint so it didn't hurt me any, but my nose was orange for about a week. I might add that many people said I was adorable with an orange nose, which is a look that many humans just can't pull off. You might ask me what this story has to do with today's blog--it has everything to do with it. It shows that even as a puppy, I was interested in artistic expression, but I never thought I had the talent to be an actual artist until I saw some of the modern art in the museums. It was then that I realized that my dream of being an artist could be realized. I proceeded to buy a canvas and some paint. I put the canvas on the floor and then I dipped my paws into different color paint, and I then "painted" my modern art masterpiece.
For other dogs who think they might be interested in becoming artists, I have some advice for you which is particularly important for modern art masterpieces. It may look easy. It might even look like fun, but you do have to remember that there is more to it than just painting a canvas. I have to go to various art shows and events related to art, and I have to dress up--or dress like a bag dog--either extreme is okay. Then you have to give the impression that you disdain society in general, and are above it. Be sure and be critical as often as possible. Name the painting something philosophical so that the viewers will think the painting is representing something socially relevant. This is probably the most important thing to do---be sure and act like you are smarter than everyone else and that you hate to have to even bother to talk to anyone else. I have become so successful at modern art, that I bought some fake dog poop which I shaped into a cell phone, and I dubbed it, "the futility of communication". That little project should keep me in milkbones for several years. If you need any more advice on how to make it in the art world, just leave a comment. I'll do all I can to help you. I like to see others succeed too even though I can't admit that at art shows.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Artist)
For other dogs who think they might be interested in becoming artists, I have some advice for you which is particularly important for modern art masterpieces. It may look easy. It might even look like fun, but you do have to remember that there is more to it than just painting a canvas. I have to go to various art shows and events related to art, and I have to dress up--or dress like a bag dog--either extreme is okay. Then you have to give the impression that you disdain society in general, and are above it. Be sure and be critical as often as possible. Name the painting something philosophical so that the viewers will think the painting is representing something socially relevant. This is probably the most important thing to do---be sure and act like you are smarter than everyone else and that you hate to have to even bother to talk to anyone else. I have become so successful at modern art, that I bought some fake dog poop which I shaped into a cell phone, and I dubbed it, "the futility of communication". That little project should keep me in milkbones for several years. If you need any more advice on how to make it in the art world, just leave a comment. I'll do all I can to help you. I like to see others succeed too even though I can't admit that at art shows.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Artist)
Monday, April 26, 2010
Dogfucious Say: A Well Trained Human is a Good Human
I have been thinking that the big problem with training the humans is that a dog needs to start when they are human puppies. This is why I came up with a new plan for human training. There used to be a television show on for pre-school children called Romper Room. This show was on for many years, and I have decided that it was a wonderful way to train human puppies. Of course, I won't actually be using Romper Room since the show didn't do a good job of human training from a dog's perspective, but I think the idea can be modified so that human puppies can be trained by dogs from an early age--those early years are so important to the learning process.
The show will be called, Mushing Room, and this dog will be the trainer. I will be called Unc Demon or Uncle Demon because I think that sounds nicer than Mr. Demon. I will then train the human puppies to listen to their dog, do what the dog says, and to generally recognize the dog's superiority, and bow to that superiority. There will be a Do Flea on there. When a human puppy does something unacceptable to a dog, it will be time to call out the arch villain, Do Flea, who will bite the human puppy for being bad. Believe me, the human puppy will learn fast not to mess with the Do Flea.
Aside from training, the humans puppies and myself will play games, sing songs, and have fun. I have found that the humans learn better when they are entertained. I have to go now. I've got some serious napping to do if I have to stay awake and have the energy to take care of the human puppies.
Remember the wise words of Dogfucious: A well trained human is a good human!
Demon Flash Bandit (Human Puppy Trainer)
The show will be called, Mushing Room, and this dog will be the trainer. I will be called Unc Demon or Uncle Demon because I think that sounds nicer than Mr. Demon. I will then train the human puppies to listen to their dog, do what the dog says, and to generally recognize the dog's superiority, and bow to that superiority. There will be a Do Flea on there. When a human puppy does something unacceptable to a dog, it will be time to call out the arch villain, Do Flea, who will bite the human puppy for being bad. Believe me, the human puppy will learn fast not to mess with the Do Flea.
Aside from training, the humans puppies and myself will play games, sing songs, and have fun. I have found that the humans learn better when they are entertained. I have to go now. I've got some serious napping to do if I have to stay awake and have the energy to take care of the human puppies.
Remember the wise words of Dogfucious: A well trained human is a good human!
Demon Flash Bandit (Human Puppy Trainer)
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Fortune Cookies: Uncanny accuracy
I happen to be a big fan of cookies--oatmeal, peanut butter, vanilla wafers, etc. The one cookie that I not only enjoy eating, but that also gives me words of wisdom is the fortune cookie. The fortune cookie is delicious, and when you break it open, there is a small piece of paper with a "fortune" on it. In this case, the fortune is not referring to an actual treasure, but it tells a dog what a dog needs to know. Normally, I would be cynical about its accuracy, but I have to tell you that, after eating quite a few fortune cookies, this dog has a great respect for their wisdom. Last week, my cookie said, "People enjoy having you around. Appreciate this." Of course, it is true--the humans do enjoy having me around, but despite its obvious accuracy, I realized that it could just be a coincidence. Then today I got another cookie and the fortune said, "You are admired for your adventurous ways." Here I am writing a blog entitled, Adventures of a Lead Dog, and the cookie talks about how adventurous I am. Who would have thought a cookie could know so much? Anyway, I am now a firm believer in fortune cookies. In fact, I am wondering why you see advertisements for psychic hotlines and no ads for fortune cookie hotlines. Now I am getting worried that, once the humans see how accurate they are, they will buy up all the fortune cookies so that there won't be any left for this dog--and in addition to being accurate, they are also delicious! I think perhaps I should head for the store now to buy up all the ones on the shelf before the humans realize how wonderful they are. I would love to write more, but an important adventure has just come up. Until tomorrow.....
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Fortune Cookies)
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Fortune Cookies)
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Rabbit Hash, Kentucky--Town With My Seal of Approval
My topic for today is a small town in the United States known as Rabbit Hash, Kentucky. You might ask me why I chose to write about a small town in Kentucky as today's topic. The answer to that question would be-how many towns have a dog as their mayor? Yes, the town had the good sense to make Junior Cochran, a dog, their mayor. Sadly Junior has crossed over the bridge, and the present mayor is a dog named Lucy Lou. Despite the town being quite small, a documentary movie has been made about this town, Rabbit Hatch the Center of the Universe. The website for the movie is
http://www.rabbithashthemovie.com/
This is a movie that this dog would like to see so I am going to have to check into ordering it. Some towns are beginning to look like carbon copies of each other, it is nice that some towns keep their individuality. Rabbit Hash is definitely different. I have never personally had the opportunity to visit Rabbit Hash, but I think this dog would love it there. It looks like a super interesting place to see. For those who want to learn more about the town, the website is
http://rabbithashusa.com/index.php If you click on the various things on the left hand side of the screen, you can read more about the town. If you click "notions", you will see photos of the past and present dog mayors. I might add that elections in this town can be close. In the last election, the candidate running for mayor included 10 dogs, 1 cat, 1 opossum (I personally don't think an opossum would make a good mayor), 1 jackass, and 1 human. A dog won so that shows good taste among the 215% of residents casting their votes. The only thing that surprises me is that you would think with a name like Rabbit Hash, a rabbit would be running, but since hash is part of the name, the rabbits are probably running from the town because they don't want to be eaten. Anyway, any town that makes a dog a mayor has this dog's seal of approval. Visit the websites and visit the town. Tell them Demon Flash Bandit sent you. Again, they will have no idea who you are talking about, but tell them anyway. I love confusing the humans and it is so easy to do!
Demon Flash Bandit (Promoting Rabbit Hash, Kentucky)
http://www.rabbithashthemovie.com/
This is a movie that this dog would like to see so I am going to have to check into ordering it. Some towns are beginning to look like carbon copies of each other, it is nice that some towns keep their individuality. Rabbit Hash is definitely different. I have never personally had the opportunity to visit Rabbit Hash, but I think this dog would love it there. It looks like a super interesting place to see. For those who want to learn more about the town, the website is
http://rabbithashusa.com/index.php If you click on the various things on the left hand side of the screen, you can read more about the town. If you click "notions", you will see photos of the past and present dog mayors. I might add that elections in this town can be close. In the last election, the candidate running for mayor included 10 dogs, 1 cat, 1 opossum (I personally don't think an opossum would make a good mayor), 1 jackass, and 1 human. A dog won so that shows good taste among the 215% of residents casting their votes. The only thing that surprises me is that you would think with a name like Rabbit Hash, a rabbit would be running, but since hash is part of the name, the rabbits are probably running from the town because they don't want to be eaten. Anyway, any town that makes a dog a mayor has this dog's seal of approval. Visit the websites and visit the town. Tell them Demon Flash Bandit sent you. Again, they will have no idea who you are talking about, but tell them anyway. I love confusing the humans and it is so easy to do!
Demon Flash Bandit (Promoting Rabbit Hash, Kentucky)
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