Today's blog is about money--tips to be exact. Many of my fellow dogs have written me and said, "Demon Flash Bandit, how much of a tip should I give the human who brings me my food? This concerns the dog population more so than the human population because the humans usually bring us our food. By the way, counter surfing does not count in this since, technically, the dog is getting the food himself. DOGS: you are not expected to leave a tip in this situation. The humans are supposed to give us our food, and we don't even have to pay for the food we get. It is a privilege for the humans to get to feed us. However, I have been known to give my humans an extra big kiss and the opportunity to rub my butt or my tummy particularly when I've had a very good meal--like the $10 a pound ham I prefer over the $6.00 a pound ham. Just be careful because you don't want to spoil the humans with too much attention and love since it is their job to feed us so we are doing them a favor letting them do so.
The above advice is for dogs. Now I will write for the humans who keep asking me that same question. Yes, it is hard being a genius dog who has everyone come to me for advice and wisdom. To be fair, who are they going to go to other than a dog? Another human (like a human has any useful information about anything). I have heard some of the humans say that the word, TIPS means To Insure Prompt Service. Many humans say this is not true, and I can see their point. What if you order a chicken breast (Angel's menu choice)? The waitress or waiter brings you a raw piece of chicken promptly. It is easier to be prompt if you don't cook the food. I would eat it anyway because that is just the kind of polite, easy to deal with customer I am, but most of the humans would be sending it back complaining that it is raw. As you know, there is no pleasing some of the humans! Does the wait staff deserve a bigger tip for being prompt or do they deserve the regular 15% for typical service? Answer: the regular tip--not any less or more. Most of the wait staff do not even make minimum wage because their employers have had the foresight to charge for their products, and then expect the customer to pay their staff. I think this whole problem could be better solved if the restaurant had to pay a better wage to begin with. They could charge more for their food, but it would save the insanity of the humans having to do math at the table after eating. This is a considerable feat for the humans since I don't enjoy doing math, and I'm a dog. Most of the humans can't count above 10 unless they take off their shoes. I always leave the waitress a tip. I want to make sure the waitress has done the proper amount of peeing on my food to make it tasty. You can't put a price tag on that kind of service. This is why I am a generous dog with tips. I want to reward a waitress who goes the extra pee for me.
There are some other situations where the humans expect tips. One is the groomer. Groomers do not deserve a tip. They should get into a different line of work. No dog wants to get a bath and have them bugging us with grooming. If God had wanted a dog to be groomed, we would be born with a comb in one of our paws, Since no puppy has ever been born with a comb in a paw, obviously God does not want dogs to be bathed. Therefore, grooming is an evil vocation that should be stopped immediately--before my humans can book me for an appointment.
Another useless occupation if that of a hotel maid. They expect tips also, but why should a dog pay for a service he didn't ask for? When I check into a hotel room, I do not ask that it be "clean". In fact, I get annoyed at the maids. They clean up all the interesting smells and amenities which were left in a room. I don't need the toilet sanitized. I can lick it clean myself, and enjoy doing it. Why should I leave a tip for something I prefer to do myself?
The bottom line of this blog is that it is okay to leave tips, but dogs are exempt from any kind of payment because we are dogs. If humans were as cute as we are, they wouldn't have to pay either!
Demon Flash Bandit (Tipping Rules)