Conflict

I have a problem with my humans.  The day after Christmas. my brother. Jeff, returned to his retail job and came home with a bug which he gave to Mommy. This has kept me from writing a blog for a couple of days because my "secretary" was sick.  Mommy made Jeff watch the video I have posted, and she told him that the next time he finds a pet "bug", he should do what the abominable snowman does.....kiss it and hug it and call it George, but DO NOT BRING IT HOME!  I think he should do what I do.  When a bug annoys me, I eat it.

Back to the blog subject:  I have a problem.  Since what Mommy had was the flu or a "cold", I made the mistake of saying that I didn't want to get a cold.  Of course, I was referring to the nasty illness Mommy had.  However, I didn't stop to think that I am dealing with humans-who do not possess the brain power of us dogs.  What if they think I meant I didn't want to be cold?  I am a Siberian Husky, and as a husky, I love it when the weather is cold.  If Mommy thinks I don't want to be cold, she could move that that horrible state of Florida.  That is the state I visited with the "snow" covered beaches which turned out to be white sand.  To add insult to injury, it wasn't even cold--it was HOT!  As you can see, this creates a problem for me....how do I make sure the humans know I meant cold as an illness-not cold as in weather.  This is a conflict I would prefer to avoid.  Why  didn't I just say flu?  Even a genius dog like myself can make a mistake!

Demon Flash Bandit (Conflicted)

Stuart Little: Movie in Which a Mouse is Allowed to Drive a Car

I met a guy at the store, and he wanted to talk about the movie, Stuart Little.  For those who haven't seen it, it is an older movie (1999) in which a family adopts a mouse.  There was one family member who did not approve of the adoption, and that family member was the cat.  This movie annoyed me because they had Stuart driving a car.  Before I go any further, just how fair is it that they let a mouse drive around in a car when dogs aren't allowed to drive?  Or so my humans have told me when I get behind the steering wheel.  Dogs are much better drivers than mice.  I realize that Stuart was not actually driving the car, but it was being driven by his stunt double who was a rat.  A mouse could never drive a car because his back paws are not long enough to reach the pedals.   It  is good to have a stunt double.  I have one named Phantom Fast Snowdog.  The studios do not want me to take any risks when doing a film.  I can see their point--I'm way too valuable!

For those who want my movie review, I give this movie 4 paws up.  On the human movie scale it would be a 7 out of 10.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Wants to Drive)

Twas Christmas Eve in Dog's House

I got busy with the holidays, but this dog is back so I know my many loyal readers are thrilled.  I was going to share this poem on Christmas Eve so it is a little late, but I hope my readers will still find it enjoyable.

Twas Christmas Eve in  Dog's House

Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
This dog got rid of vermin so there wasn't a mouse.
The stockings were yanked down from the chimney without care
They were filled with goodies and this dog wanted his share!

The puppies were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of rawhide bones danced in their heads.
When my human got tired and decided to nap
Which means this dog didn't get to sit on his lap.

When out on the lawn, there arose so much clatter
I got up from my bed and found me a bat so I could bat her
Away to the window I flew like the Flash (comic book super hero)
I opened it fast so their brains I could smash

This husky liked seeing the new fallen snow.
It reminded him that winter had some time to go
When what to my husky blue eyes did appear
But a sleigh with a fat guy pulled by tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver breaking all the speed laws
I knew in a moment it must be Santa Paws.
More rapid than a airplane, the reindeer they came
And he whisted and shouted and called them by name.

I'm not going to mention what he called the reindeer
There are a couple on the witness protection program is what I hear
Of course there was Rudolph leading the sleigh
He told me Santa needs him to show him the way.

As dry leaves before a wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky
As I turned my head, and was turning around
Down Santa Paws came with a bound.

He had lovely soft fur from his nose to his paws
And that fur was all covered with ashes and soot.
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back
He had toys for every dog in the pack

His eyes-how they twinkled, his face looked so merry
He eats so many cookies, he has a big belly
His mouth was drawn up in a grin
He was looking for cookies--not leaving them out  is a sin.
Out of his mouth, he had cookies he was chewing
I think he was hoping that he could turn on the tv and do some viewing


He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old dog
And I told him he would be healthier if he jogged
He noticed that I had eaten his cookies
He didn't seem to mind--he wasnt' a rookie


He barked not a wolf, but went right to his work
He filled all the stockings and turned with a jerk
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
He picked it for hours-it was very gross.

He got up the chimney and called for his team
They hurried over because they were fast and lean.
But I heard him yell as he drove out of sight
Merry Chrismas to all and to all a good night!



The politcally correct ending is:
But I heard him explain as he drove out of sight
Happy Holidays to all and conserve the lights.
Yeah you are even supposed to watch your electricity useage.  Perhaps they should have thought of that before inventing so many electric appliances.  The humans even make electric toothbrushes-I guess moving the arm up and down is just too much work.  Wait a minute--it is too much work. I need an electric one too!

Demon Flash Bandit (Poet)

Movie Review: Frank

My brother bought the movie, Frank, on blu-ray, and I watched it with Mommy yesterday.  This movie is about a musical group of eccentric characters which stars Michael Fassbender, Dunhnall Gleeson, and Maggie Gyllenhaal.  The main character, Jon, is a musician who writes music, and he happens by sheer luck (good or bad is up to the watcher) to end up the keyboard player in the group.  The group is not your usual musicians because the main guy, Frank, wears a giant head.  He looks like a big, real life bobblehead.  The movie depicts them spending a lot of time recording an album which has a lot of experimental music which sounds like techno music to me.  The music wasn't the greatest, but it was okay.  The Howling Huskies are better (of which I am the lead howler).

The movie was based on a real life comic character, Frank Sidebottom, who was actually Chris Slevey from Great Britain.  I don't know if it is good that is is based on a real person or was based on a ficitious one.  There was a serious shortage of dogs in this film which made it less palatable than other films.  The movie is okay, but it gets kind of boring at times.  How much can you enjoy listening to a bunch of would be performers practicing their songs?  Some of those songs aren't particularly good so that is not fun.

On my doggy movie scale, I give it a growl.  I sould suggest that your time could be better spent either napping (my activity of preference) or by watching a good movie--Snow Dogs and Eight Below come to mind.  However, any of the dog movies would be better.  On the human movie scale, I give it a 5 1/2.  I do think that a psychiatrist would have been a welcome addition to that group of humans!

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Critic)

Why Aren't All Humans Rich?

Yesterday's blog was about the worst word in the English language--WORK.  Today I am going to  discuss how the humans can avoid work and have more leisure time.  Most states have lotteries where you pick 6 numbers, and you can turn $1.00 into millions of dollars.  Why don't the humans just buy a lottery ticket so that they can stay home with their dogs, and still have plenty of money to spend?  Although I don't really need more money  since my humans watch out for my finances, having some extra money in one's pocket does make you feel like a big dog!  Therefore, I plan to buy a lottery ticket the next time I go to the store.  Like every other dog I think it is wise to have some bones stored for a boneless day  Choosing the numbers 1 2 3 4 5 6 seems way too under-creative so my numbers will be 2 3 4 5 6 7.  After collecting my big money, I will be the same unspoiled, sweet puppy you know me as now.  of course, I might be paying the humans to carry me outside to use the facilities.  Wouldn't you think the humans would catch onto this easy method to make money.  I think some of them think work is good for you--silly humans!

Demon Flash Bandit (Soon to be a Very Rich Dog)

Work: Worst Word in the English Language

Dogs, my blog subject today is WORK.  Work is a four letter word that is probably the worst one you can use.  As a "working breed". I think I am an expert on the subject.  Fido Webster defines work as the vilest if all human activities with the possible exception of getting a colonoscopy.   I think they put the humans to sleep when they do that procedure.  If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself in Fido's Dictionary-for sale at the finest pet stores everywhere.   By the way, both work and colonoscopies are alike--both are instrusive and a pain in the butt.

Whenever I hear someone say that they "love" their job or even "like" their job, I assume that they are not actually working.  Many humans get paid for doing "jobs" that aren't bad--like sitting behind a desk.  However, those who really "work" are the ones who get to do the jobs no one else wants--like digging ditches or picking vegetables.   This is why we go out into space so we can bring back labor who will be forced to work cheap at jobs no one wants.  I can think of no other logical explanation for our trips to the moon or for having a space station.  It isn't like spacecrafts are pulling up to the station ordering a tank of gas.  As cheap as some of the aliens are, they would probably just be stopping to use the space restroom.


This is why we dogs who are of superior intelligence to the humans refuse to get sucked into the whole work world.  Most of us do it by looking cute and taking a lot of naps.  If a walk to another room exhausts a dog to the point that he needs to take a nap, the humans will usually leave said dog alone.  Score 1 for the dog and 0 for the humans.

Demon Flash Bandit (Work--Bad Word)

Christmas Presents for the Dog

In reference to yesterday's blog, Nuke North Korea, I decided that waiting on the governent to take action would be too long since they can't ever seem to agree with each other and get anything done.  That  is when I decided to take matters into my own paws, and make a bomb myself.  I checked the Internet for places where I could buy plutonium.  As Doc Brown said in the movie, Back to the Future, you can't just get plutonium in 1955.  Sheldon, from the Big Bang Theory said that if you try to get some, Homeland Security calls your Mother.  I have to agree with Sheldon.  Yes, my human got a call from Homeland Security.  This means that the matter is in the hands of Congress so it may be 10 years before anything is done about this situation.  I do think the humans at Homeland Security were sympathic to my idea.  Several of them patted me on the head and said "good boy".  Then they told me to let the governent handle it.

On a better subject, Angel's human grandma sent her and me a package of Christmas presents, and I'm sure she wanted us to have them now.   Personally, I think she sent all of them to me because she knows what a pain it is for me to put up with her granddaughter.  I'm so glad to see Christmas is so near.  I love Christmas.  Whenever I get a bunch of gifts, that is a good day for me!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Christmas)

Nuke North Korea!

Just when you thought it was safe to give an interview (if you think interviews are easy, then you are not a dog who has tried to interview  a porcupine--talk about a sticky situation);  Sony cancelled a movie starring Seth Rogen, The Interview.   This was done because the humans in North Korea got upset that the movie depicted an assasination attempt on their leader,  Rev. Sun Myung Moon, who gave up a promising career annoying people in public selling flowers (this has been a few decades ago).  to run North Korea.  As I've said many times if the world continues to be run by humans you are just asking for trouble.  The only thing worse would be to have it run by birds.  I shudder at that thought.  Anyway, Sony has caved into their demands and they are refusing to show the movie.  Normally, Seth Rogen movies are okay, but if they were going to cancel one, it should have been Pineapple Express, which was not one of his better movies. If Sony shows the movie, North Korea plans to attack various theatres and other things on American soil.   I don't think Sony should cancel this movie's preimere, nor do I think that the U. S. government should allow threats like that to go unanswered.  If Korea can attack us, I don't see why we can't attack them. It could even blamed  by latent flower allergies that were caused by all those flowers sold by Rev. Sun Myung Moon and his followers  The stupidest thing about North Korea is that they don't seem to understand something that every elementary school puppy understands.  If you want to be a bully, then you had better be bigger and stronger than the ones you are picking on because if they don't back down, you are going to get your tail beaten.  Dogs know this almost immediately, and the only breed who doesn't get it are the chihuahuas.  One of those little dogs will go after a Great Dane.  Of course, the Great Dane (most of which are a nice, laid back breed of dogs), almost choke laughing at the chihuahua.  I can't blame them.  The last time I met one, he started barking at me and telling me how tough he was, and I told him that he would make a great shoe for one of my paws,  Of course he was safe because this dog does not allow the humans to put shoes on my paws.  Besides, the constant barking of the chihuahua would eventually get on my nerves.  It is hard to nap when your paw won't shut up.  I think Congress should get behind Sony, and declare war on North Korea.  Perhaps the threat of a nuclear weapon being dropped on Korea might calm them down.  After they  calm down, Seth could go over there on a peace mission and, after sharing some of his special smokes with them, maybe they could learn to be more laid back.  You never saw a movie where Cheech and Chong were going to war. By the way, the majority of humans don't get upset over these things, but some of the leaders and particularly the one there, are insane.

Demon Flash Bandit (War Should be Declared)

Rules for Tipping the Wait Staff

Today's blog is about money--tips to be exact.   Many of my fellow dogs have written me and said, "Demon Flash Bandit, how much of a tip should I give the human who brings me my food?   This concerns the dog population more so than the human population  because the humans usually bring us our food.  By the way, counter surfing does not count in this since, technically, the dog is getting the food himself.  DOGS:  you are not expected to leave a tip in this situation.  The humans are supposed to give us our food, and we don't even have to pay for the food we get.  It is a privilege for the humans to get to feed us.  However, I have been known to give my humans an extra big kiss and the opportunity to rub my butt or my tummy particularly when I've had a very good meal--like the $10 a pound ham I prefer over the $6.00 a pound ham.  Just be careful because you don't want to spoil the humans with too much attention and love since it is their job to feed us so we are doing them a favor letting them do so.

The above advice is for dogs.  Now I will write for the humans who keep asking me that same question.  Yes, it is hard being a genius dog who has everyone come to me for advice and wisdom.  To be fair, who are they going to go to other than a dog?  Another human (like a human has any useful information about anything).  I have heard some of the humans say that the word, TIPS means To Insure Prompt Service.  Many humans say this is not true, and I can see their point.  What if you order a chicken breast (Angel's menu choice)? The waitress or waiter brings you a raw piece of chicken promptly.  It is easier to be prompt if you don't cook the food.  I would eat it anyway because that is just the kind of polite, easy to deal with customer I am, but most of the humans would be sending it back complaining that it is raw.  As you know, there is no pleasing some of the humans!  Does the wait staff deserve a bigger tip for being prompt or do they deserve the regular 15% for typical service?  Answer:  the regular tip--not any less or more.  Most of the wait staff do not even make minimum wage because their employers have had the foresight to charge for their products, and then expect the customer to pay their staff.  I think this whole problem could be better solved if the restaurant had to pay a better wage to begin with.  They could charge more for their food, but it would save the insanity of the humans having to do math at the table after eating.  This is a considerable feat for the humans since I don't enjoy doing math, and I'm a dog.  Most of the humans can't count above 10 unless they take off their shoes.  I always leave the waitress a tip.  I want to make sure the waitress has done the proper amount of peeing on my food to make it tasty.  You can't put a price tag on that kind of service.  This is why I am a generous dog with tips.  I want to reward a waitress who goes the extra pee for me.

There are some other situations where the humans expect tips.  One is the groomer.  Groomers do not deserve a tip.  They should get into a different line of work.  No dog wants to get a bath and have them bugging us with grooming.  If God had wanted a dog to be groomed, we would be born with a comb in one of our paws,  Since no puppy has ever been born with a comb in a paw, obviously God does not want dogs to be bathed.  Therefore, grooming is an evil vocation that should be stopped immediately--before my humans can book me for an appointment.

Another useless occupation if that of a hotel maid.  They expect tips also, but why should a dog pay for a service he didn't ask for?  When I check into a hotel room, I do not ask that it be "clean".  In fact, I get annoyed at the maids.  They clean up all the interesting smells and amenities which were left in a room.  I don't need the toilet sanitized.  I can lick it clean myself, and enjoy doing it.  Why should I leave a tip for something I prefer to do myself?

The bottom line of this blog is that it is okay to leave tips, but dogs are exempt from any kind of payment because we are dogs.  If humans were as cute as we are, they wouldn't have to pay either!

Demon Flash Bandit (Tipping Rules)

Buses Need to be Stopped

Did you know that children are carried to school on buses named "Bluebird"?  I'm sure the humans think nothing about it, but this dog knows that it is subtle "brainwashing" of the humans when they are  just wee puppies to make them think birds are safe and good.  Sure, it sounds okay.  The mommy human puts the human puppy on the bus, hardly noticing that the bus is a "blue bird".  However,  the child grows up thinking that birds are not going to hurt them, and are safe and good.  This is part of their plan for world domination.....get the humans to think that birds are benevolent, nice creatures and then unleash the BTO (Bird Take Over).  There are  some dogs, even with our genius brains compared to that of the humans, who are fooled by birds.  If they can fool a dog, you know that fooling the human is a piece of cake....I'll have mine with ice cream.....thank you.  Therefore, I am going to bark before congress about the need to legally change the name of the buses from Blue Bird to Evil Bird.  With a name like Evil Bird, some of the humans (albeit a small amount of them) might actually see what the birds are planning.  By the way when I become President, I will make a cabinet of dogs to check into things like this that might have slipped by us dogs.  I also plan to put my pals from Texas, Whitley and Finley in charge of squirrel control.  I'm sure they would do a great job.  By the way, Mommy has a new cousin in Plano, Texas named Colleen.  She is a sweet little human puppy who is lucky to be born into a great family---yes, the family has dogs.  I said they were great, didn't I?

Demon Flash Bandit (Blue Bird Buses Need to be Stopped)

Snowy: Star of New Show on My Network

As the head of programming at the Demon Flash Bandit Broadcasting Network, I am pleased to announce a new program that will be airing soon on The Dog Channel.  The new show is called,  Snowy's Nineteen Puppies, and it is a reality show based on the real Great Dane in Pennsylvania who gave birth to 19 puppies recently.  I have to admit that I got the idea from that reality show on TLC that features a human familly with 19 or 39 human puppies.  I suspect they aren't sure of the number because they probably lost count after the first 11.  Of course, that is about all the shows will share in common since Snowy is a dog, and therefore, a much more intelligent parent than the human variety.  The puppies are adorable, and I'm sure the viewers will find them much more fun to watch then a bunch of human puppies who mainly eat and sleep for the first year of their life-very much like us dogs when we are adults.  Snowy will be homeschooling the puppies so the humans watching the show might learn something.  One lesson is how to catch a mouse as easily as a cat does.  That particular lesson was very useful to me the last time I was in the yard and I caught a mouse!  My humans were so pleased with me.  They told me I was a good boy and then they took the mouse before I even got a chance to taste it!  I bet they wanted to eat it themselves.

I really don't know why the humans would attempt to have so many children.  They seem to have enough trouble taking care of themselves, but I think there are simpler ways to learn to count than to continue having babies.  Perhaps that Count from Sesame Street could give them some pointers.  I'm glad my humans didnt' think like the Duggars.  I would be tired if I had to keep a watch on so many humans.  It would be exhausting.

Demon Flash Bandit (Announcing  New Television Show)

Wrong Purchase!

My Mommy (the adoptive human one) bought a new purse recently.  This purchase proves that humans should not be allowed to shop without their dogs with them. That is probably why most stores don't allow dogs to enter-dogs wouldn't let their humans buy stupid stuff..  Don't get me wrong.  She needed a new purse, and the one she got is nice, but it has a name on it, and that name is Jessica Simpson.  My Mommy's name is not Jessica Simpson.  I'm not even sure which Simpson Jessica is---is she the one who is always "eating" a pacifier?  When I saw that purse, I took Mommy aside and suggested she take it back to the store and get a different one with her own name (or a nameless purse) instead.  Did she listen?  No, she did not.  This is why the landfills are so full of useless junk.  You can sell the humans almost anything.  They are incredibly stupid.  Should they be in charge of buying our treats?  This dog doesn't think so!

Demon Flash Bandit (Wrong Purse)

Bird Chips: Delicious Snack!

My humans were snacking on some potato chips which they seem to enjoy,  but I refuse to eat any of them.  I have been offered, but am just uninterested.  I'm not a big fan of the potato, and I think it is cruel to eat any of the members of the Potato Head family.  However. if the humans would start producing bird chips, I would definitely be willing to try one of them.  I bet I would really like them too.  Just think about it--a dead bird defeathered and fried in "chip" pieces.  I think the big food companies need to hire more dogs on their staff of future items to make.  I know plenty of dogs that would also enjoy deer chips, squirrel chips, and rat chips---and many more.  Humans don't tend to think about snacks like that, but we dogs think about them all the time which is why we would be valuable employees.  They can start with that big yellow bird who lives on Sesame Street  No bird should be that big.  I'm quite sure that Sesame Street is another planet because that Big Bird is an illegal alien if I ever saw one, and I've seen quite a few.  When will the nice humans at Lays make some bird chips for a dog to enjoy?  And wouldn't it be easier to make Big Bird into chips than to deport him?

Demon Flash Bandit (Wants Bird Chips)

The Christmas Tree is Up

I'm begining to really enjoy the whole wolfday (birthday) scenerio around here.  Mommy had a birthday yesterday, and Angel and I got presents too.  She said it would not be a good wolfday if the dogs didn't have fun.  I have to admit that my humom is a very wise lady, and more humans should think like she does!  We dogs would be a whole lot happier if all the humans had that attitude.  I love my new Christmas themed toy ( a squeaky plush dog dressed as Santa Paws).

My humans have done the impossible this year.  The Christmas tree is already up and was up during Thanksgiving weekend.  I'm not sure if the humans really deserve any applause for their part in putting it in early since they never took it down from last year.  Mommy seldom even enters the living room so I think she decided that if it didn't bother my brothers, why should it bother her?  On the good side, It does save a lot of work, and my brothers seem to be very good at working as little as possible.  There is a good chance that they might be dogs, or they have just learned a lot from hanging out for wise learning at my paws.  The humans would have much easier lives if they learned from the wise teachings of their dogs!

One really important Christmas item that Mommy bought this year and it is already up is an inflatable Santa's sleigh being pulled by huskies.  I have got to admit that is my favorite decoration, and I think Mommy should order another one.  I don't think one can ever have enough of a cool decoration like that!  I can envision a whole yard full of them.  Wouldn't that be fantastic?

Demon Flash Bandit (Ready for Christmas)