Dinner Etiquette

This blog will answer any questions you may have about dinner etiquette..  The most important thing to remember is that the food tastes good..  The dish itself should be clean and pleasant.  It can be a dish made for dogs,  Noritake china, Corelle, or my personal favorite- the Dixie disposable plates with the purple flowers. I cannot stress the importance of presentation to a dog.  If your humans can afford it, hiring a chef and server specifically for the family dog or dogs is recommended.

Dogs do not require eating utensils, but if you ate setting the table for the humans, you must put the fork on the left side of the plate with a napkin next to the fork.  The other side has a knife with blade facing the plate and then a spoon.  Those 3 tools will cover all eating situations.  However, there are other utensils that are useful at the table, but they go in a little container on the side with the dominant paw.  The container is one way that creativity can run wild.  Since they aren't needed for eating, they are for protecting your food from other humans.  This is particularly true if you are eating around dieters. Humans cannot growl as effectively as dogs.  This is why they need weapons.  Now that I have imparted dinner etiquette, feel free to throw a dinner party worthy of royalty.

Demon Flash Bandit

Food is Fashionable

Today I stand In solidarity with Angel Zoom Smokey.  Our human brother, William, told Angel he wanted to clean her nose.  He said she had stuff on it, and she looked awful.  How ridiculous!  She was adorable.  That "stuff" on her face was food.  She looks a lot like me so she can never look awful.  If you ask my opinion (and who wouldn't?), the humans would look better if they quit using over priced cosmetics, and  put some food on their faces. I find bitches (female Dogs) look better covered in pudding.  Angel Zoom Smokey is gorgeous with or without food!

Demon Flash Bandit

Snow Dogs

There is a wonderful blog that I enjoy about Siberian huskies here in Michigan.  I am sharing the link:

http://www.gonetothesnowdogs.com

The videos are pawsome.  The 3 dogs ate Shelby, Oakley , and Memphis.  I know you'll enjoy it.

Demon Flash Bandit

Survival Lessons

It is always good to teach children and young adults survival skills.  Cooking and baking are among the most elemental of survival skills.  I will admit that it is much easier to survive without the knowledge nowadays.  The modern world does make life easier.  Cavemen had to both hunt  and cook their dinners.  They could not go to the supermarket and buy food to be Onheated  at home.  I suspect that is why cavemen were always grunting instead of talking or perhaps they had not invented language yet.

Between ready to microwave food, delis, and restaurants, a lack of cooking ability will not necessary  hamper one's survival.  However, one of the reasons for making things oneself is the opportunity for creativity and the added benefit of saving money.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that there are easy bake ovens for human puppies.   Although I applaud the idea of teaching young puppies self reliance, it seems counter productive,  considering that the baking mixes cost more than ready made cookies  cost, it seems that human puppies would get the idea that working for something will cost you more.  Even humans must understand that you are supposed to spend less money when you do the work.  Girl Scouts have been selling over priced cookies for years.  Now they ate selling  mixes for cookies. I can only assume that the mixes are preparing human puppies to buy for the Pentagon.  Those humans think nothing about spending $500.00 on a toilet seat.  If you have nothing better to do, Amazon has 5 Girl Scout cookie mixes on sale TODAY for $17.97.  Normally they sell for twice that price.  By the way, I am collecting cookies.  Send any you don't want to Demon Flash Bandit,  Howell MI, 48843.  It is a tough item to collect because they keep disappearing.  None the less, I continue to collect them.  It is truly a labor of love!

Demon Flash Bandit (Cookie Collector)

New Territory

The state of Florida is being overrun by pythons.  There are humans that get a Python as a pet.  Obviously anyone who thinks a snake makes a good pet needs a therapist.  When they tire of the snake, they let him go.  Now there are a lot of snakes, and they are annoying the gators there.  The gators have complained that the pythons are not paying rent to them.  Gators are so angry that they are getting a  bit cold blooded about the situation.  To show they mean business, some of the pythons have been eaten by gators.  Then the gators got really angry when pythons starting rating Gators.  Florida is a reptile eat reptile world.  I wonder if Gatorland in Orlando  will have to add pythons and call it Gatorthonland.

I wonder:  since the reports of baby alligators flushed down toilets in NYC must be true since I have heard that many times.  The source of the information is a reliable source (a wolf).  You have to consider the  sources of information.  If a squirrel tells you something, don't believe it.  Squirrels are jerks.    My advice to New Yorkers is to watch for alligators and pythons.  It is better to be safe than sorry.

Demon Flash Bandit (Warning  my Readers)

Farming

Officially spring is here, but so far we have continued to have lovely cold weather.  Still, a dog starts thinking of starting a garden.  Whether planting vegetables, flowers, meat, pasta, candy, etc, the principle activity is the same.  For the city dogs reading this, Farmer Demon will give you instructions that will make your garden the envy of every rabbit in your area.

The first step in gardening is to dig a hole.  Humans need tools for that, but we dogs have front paws that are perfect for digging holes.  Once the hole is dug, you plant whatever you want to grow.  I always plant some bacon bits because I love Bacon.  Believe me, there is nothing better than bacon fresh from the garden.  After the planting is done, some sunshine and water will have your crops almost as tall as a giraffe's neck.  When the crops get that tall, it is time to harvest your crop and enjoy tasting it.  For more gardening tips, buy my new book, Demon Flash Bandit's Almanac.  It is a great book.

Demon Flash Bandit ( Farmer)

Dogs Love Bones

My brother, William, thought up a clever joke which I will share.

 Question:What do you call a junk yard owned by a dog?

Answer: A  boneyard.

Personally, I don't think many dogs would be interested in owning old junk cars.  You cannot drive them, and dogs love to drive.  The humans know we would be better  drivers than them so they won't let us drive legally.  The charge, if the dog is caught driving is impersonating a human which is ridiculous.   Why would we want to impersonate a lower life form?

On the other paw, if the bonbeyatd was, literally.  an area filled with bones, a dog would love that.  It would be even better if the bones had some meat on them.  I can hear the dog saying  Waitress, I  will have some barbeque sauce on my ribs.  Delicious!!!  I need to go get sleep sand dreams about ribs, Bacon, steak.......zzzzzzzzzng,

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Bones)

Dog Approved TShirt

Isn't this an adorable T-shirt?  All my humans wore this shirt on St. Patrick's Day.  It was advertised on Facebook, and humom had to buy one for everyone.  The bottom says, can you handle your licker?  Angel and I laughed and laughed.  She said she had to buy them because they are so cute.  I havshare the photo so you can see humom has good fashion sense.  The shirt  is  (dog approved.

Demon Flash Bandit (Fashion Dog)

Spy Dog

I was busy yesterday being a spy which is why I didn't write my blog.  Coincidentally, my secremommy was wiped out after dialysis so she fell asleep right after dinner.  I can't share my adventures because they are classfied.  I was not working directly for the orange human with the tiny hands, but I was working for his country.  There are some moles bothering the White House lawn.  They called and begged me to help.  This happens to me frequently.  It is a normal part of being a world renowned mole catcher.  I have so many mole finding awards.  I would say I don't like to brag, but I know my readers know better.  I hear the moles are being sent to QiamtonaMOLE. EBay.
I assume they sell them from there.  As usual, I got a thank you from the orange  man.  I think he is a clown named Bozo.

Demon Flash Bandit ( Spy Dog)

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Happy St. Patrick's Day!  The humans are wearing their new green McHusky Pub  t-shirts.  They look so cute in their dog featured clothing.  I am wearing a green hat.  It was either that or "the eating of the green" and this dog does not eat vegetables.
I did eat a bowl of Lucky Charms cereal.  I don't know a lot about leprechauns, but they make good cereal.  I wonder if they exchange recipes with the cookie baking elves from Keebler.
  I have checked every tree in my yard and I have not found  any elves baking cookies, but they are welcome to move here.  It is time for my nap.

Demon Flash Bandit

Vincent Van Gogh

It is time to introduce human culture to my readers.  It is far inferior to dog culture, but humans are not advanced enough to understand dog culture.  I have chosen to write about Vincent Van Gogh.  Vincent came from a long line of taxi drivers, but he decided to follow his heart and became an artist.  It caused a lot of friction in his family, but he was determined to follow his own path.    He was an impressionist.  Impressionists did impressions of famous people while they painted.  He painted sunflowers and straw hats.  He painted starry nights, but it was no match for Sammy Spaniel's bones on a tray.  He is best known because of a accident.  He was ahead of his time on body piercing.  He overdid it and had no ear left.  There are books about him, but thanks to me, you don't need to waste valuable time reading them.  You are welcome!

Demon Flash Bandit (Art Expert)

Dog Doctor Visit

I have been violated!  I went to the dog doctor today, and I was tortured.  She thought I was fabric because she was sticking needles in me.  She stole my blood.  I told her I need that blood.  My theory is that she is planning to clone a superdog.  From my blood.  I can:t blame her.  I am an awesome dog.  She a!so clipped my nails.  Thank dog the humans did not authorize painting them.  The doctor said I look good.  Yeah, humom paid her for that.   My humans know I look good.  They could have bought me a lot of cool stuff.  I think they should have paid me to make an appearance.  By the way, 4 humans accompanied me to the df.,  I like to travel with an entourage.  If is an expected part of being a celebrity dog.

Demon Flash Bandit (Patient)

Ancient History

In my continuing mission to educate the humans, today I am giving a history lesson.  The subject will be ancient history which is about 1200 years ago (in people years).    Back then, dogs lived a spartan lifestyle without many of today's modern luxuries.  Cars had not been invented so, if a dog needed to be somewhere, they had to walk on their own paws or ride the bus.   Dogs were, quite literally, cave dogs.  The caves were furnished nicely, and the dogs had wonderful taste in decorating.  Doggy taxidermists were masters at making dead birds and squirrels look alive.  Cave dogs lived in a very advanced civilization for the era.

Meanwhile, the human cavemen were living out in the open with no protection from the elements.   They were living like birds and squirrels.  One dog thought the humans were kind of cute. and might make a good pet.  Of course, the other dogs teased him about letting s human into his cave.  A lot of dogs thought humans were dirty, and called them germ machines and tail pullers.  Once one was adopted, other dogs saw that they were cute when cleaned.  Of course, you tell them to stay off the furniture, and they get on it anyway. The humans were so happy living with us dogs that they think dogs are their pets.  We love our pets so we humor them.  They are in an inferior position in comparison to us.  We don't pick up their poop.

Demon Flash Bandit (Historian)

Living Like a Cavedog !

The reason I have not written in several days is because there was a windstorm that left our house without electricity and the internet  for several days.  We were living like cave dogs.  We didn't have necessities like television.  We had no heat so the house was very comfortable for Angel and me.  The humans were complaining, but ask any penguin or polar bear, and they would agree with Angel and me.  The temperature was perfect.

Angel Zoom Smokey celebrated her tenth birthday last week.  We both got the coolest squeaky plush poop toy!  What dog can imagine humans making a cool toy like that?  We also got a tray of gourmet dog biscuits.  I am so glad my humans make sure we get gifts for everyone's special days.  We even get gifts on humom's birthday.  My humans are wise.

Demon Flash Bandit (Being a Cavedog)

Squirrels are Jerks

According to the Washington Post, red Squirrels which are native to Great britain will become extinct unless humans get involved.  Many years ago, gray squirrels from the United States were   introduced to Britain.   The gray squirrels thrived.  My theory is that gray squirrels are  rude jerks.  I saw  a German Shepherd chase a squirrel up a pear tree.  The dog couldn't climb the tree so the squirrel sat up on the tree and threw pears at the dog.  As I said, they are jerks!

Demon Flash Bandit

Faceless Humans

Are you aware that the majority of female humans are born without faces?  Obviously, the women don't want to talk about this embarrassing birth defect.  However, despite the social stigma, many of the braver ones admit that they have to "put on their face".   This explains why the cosmetic companies make  hundreds of dollars every yezr on their products.  Evidently, this is not a problem with female (or male) dogs.  All dogs are born with faces.  I am glad my humom has a face because she can buy us bones with the tens of dollars she would have to spend on a face.  No matter how much money the humans spend, they still don't look as good as a dog!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With Face)

Every Bird Bettet Run, the Dog has a Gun

This morning the stupid bird brained sapsucker was trying to eat the house.  This house belongs to ME!  I barked at him, and told him to leave. This house is a no bird fly zone.    I was ready to get a gun and go after the varmint.  He must have taken my warnings seriously. He flew away.  For those of you who don't think a dog can carry a gun, I have a video to share.  Here it is:

https://www.youtube.com/#/watch?v=_FYEyUPOi3w


Demon Flash Bandit

Bowling for Birds

I have studied the sport the humans call bowling,  and I think it could be easily adapted for dogs.  The game has been played for centuries.  Archaeologists have unearthed bowling alleys in ancient Egypt. Every pyramid has a bowling alley so the Pharaoh  could play his favorite game in the afterlife.  Several of them were champion bowlers, and their gold trophies are now museum pieces.  The bowling clothes were found in perfect condition.  One of the leagues was called "Nile Sandstorms.  That name sounds intimidating to me.   Although the history is fascinating, tnis blog is about modern bowling so I will get back to the subject of modern bowling.

The game is simple.  The humans play it at a bowling alley which is derived from the old days when it was played in alleys.  The bowling alley is a large building with a lot of bowling lanes.  The humans pick up a heavy ball with a hole for one finger, and throw it at a group of pins. There are chairs for the ones awaiting their turn and a concession stand where you can buy concessions.  The humans playing are usually eating so I assume they sell food somewhere on the premises.  If all the pins are knocked over on the first try, it is called a strike.  When a strike is not achieved, there is one more try.  There is a maximum of 2 tries each time you bowl.

To adapt this game for dogs would involve a ball which can fit into a dog's mouth.  (I'll let engineers work on that.). The best part is that, instead of pins, dogs want something they would enjoy hitting and knocking over.  Birds come to mind, but some dogs would prefer squirrels, cats, chipmunks or whatever.  Fake ones are okay, but there is nothing wrong with using real ones.  It would give a whole new meaning to "killing 2 birds with 1 stone.)

Demon Flash Bandit

Psycho Chickrn

My brother, William found a video called Psycho Chicken.  I watched it too, and it is so amazing.   I had no idea that television could be so educational.  If not for TV, I would have no idea that chickens could be psychotic.  This is an important fact for a dog to  know.   From the lyrics of the song, I assume that Colonel Sanders can't tell the difference between psycho and non psycho chickens.  I suspect the song was written by a chicken so that the humans will be afraid to eat chicken. Angel  said chicken and Beneful when it ended.   The humans were so surprised to hear her say it that we both got a Beneful prepared chicken meal which was delicious. I told her when she was a puppy that the humans love it when a dog speaks human.  It is nice to know that she paid attention to at least some of my wisdom.  Here is the Psycho Chicken video:

https://www.youtube.com/?reload=2&rdm=2glzk44oe#/watch?v=UnBlst3T7bY




Demon Flash Bandit