Kibble Nightmares

Hold the applause--I'm back.  On second thought, go ahead and applaud.  I love applause.  That is how the humans around here got me to be housebroken.  They applauded me, and even as a puppy, I loved it! 

I have something important to write about today.  Mommy bought us some kibble.  Angel Zoom
Smokey and myself are used to eating people food so kibble was a whole new experience for us.  I took one sniff and decided it was not worthy to be eaten.  Angel Zoom Smokey did eat a little of it, but that is only because she is a "foodie" who will eat almost anything.  I've watched enough Kitchen Nightmares with Chef Gordon Ramsay to know that a dog does not have to eat just anything that is put in front of his face.  I have decided, like Chef Ramsay, to rate this dining experience so that other dogs will know about this food.  It was a trial package of Kibbles and Bits Homestyle food.  The presentation was acceptable.  It was put into a dog bowl.   It was a bit insulting that it was in a "dog dish" when I normally eat out of fancy disposable dishes (my humans aren't fond of putting dishes in the dishwasher). However, I could overlook the bowl because it said "Champ", and I am a champion.  If you don't believe it, just ask me.  The food seemed to be crunchy enough, but I refused to try it because I had eaten chicken already so why would I want to fill up on "dog food"?  It isn't like my humans got themselves a big bowl of it.  They didn't even take a taste of it.  I say if the humans give you food that they don't eat, why should the dog eat it?  That is food that should be given to a cat!  Angel Zoom Smokey ate it, and said it was okay, but she prefers the human food.  That dog will eat anything.  I told her she is a disgrace to dogs everywhere, and that is why the humans get by with feeding dogs inferior food.  Of course, I tell her she is a disgrace to dogs everyday at least 50 times a day  so I suspect she pays little attention to me.  I should have sold her on ebay when she was a puppy.  I tried, but the humans wouldn't cooperate with me.  They love her.  Can you believe it?  They even paid good money for her instead of buying dingo bones for me.  I say you can never go wrong buying dingo  bones!

Demon Flash Bandit (Kibble Nightmares)

Demon Flash Bandit: Fashion Expert

Once again, this dog is amused at how easily the humans jump onto the bandwagon of any trend no matter how dumb.  This is particularly true of the fashion industry.  The item I will be writing about today is yoga pants.  I can understand why they are popular since they were designed by the great and powerful pic-a-nic basket thief, Yogi Bear.  However, as much as I like and respect the Yogster, he is hardly an expert on pants.  In case you have forgotten, he never wears them!  If he were designing a tie or collar, I could understand how the humans would want them.  However if he knew about pants, don't you think he would be wearing them instead of showing his butt to the world on television and in movies? 

Many of the human women are wearing yoga pants now in Yogi's honor, and some of them look okay because they are young and skinny.  I'm not saying I'm a fan of the fashion, but some can wear them if they want to.  However, if my human Mommy ever decided to wear yoga pants, I would end up losing my Milkbones.   I love Mommy, but she is not thin, and she would not look good in yoga pants.  I'm not saying she looks good in regular pants, but definitely not in yoga pants.  Mommy has the common sense to know this and you will never see her don a pair of yoga pants.  However, there are many humans that have no idea what they should never wear. Those are the ones who usually adopt the latest trend, and risk making those around them blind.  If you visit the link: 
www.peopleofwalmart.com , you'll see what I mean.  This site has many of the "fashion mistakes" of which I am referring.  I do hope the yoga pants trend stops before it gets out of paw.  I love seeing out of my blue eyes!  I think I'll call Yogi and suggest he not start any more fashion trends.

Demon Flash Bandit (Fashion Expert)

I Have no Need for Winter Accessories

Many of the humans have been complaining about the weather, but I personally think it is delightful.  I did see an article on the Internet suggesting that dogs be dressed in coats and booties in this kind of weather.   I have to tell you that I disagree vehemently with that conclusion.  I'm sure there are dogs that can benefit from the extra warmth, but I'm a Siberian Husky, and I don't need a coat.  I have my own coat that works very well at keeping me warm.  I guess the booties might be good particularly for protecting paws from the chemicals and salt that many of the humans use to melt the snow and ice.  However, this dog does not like to wear booties and does not allow the humans to touch my paws  except in extreme circumstances--mainly if I'm unconscious.  Some dogs don't mind booties, but I'm not among that group.  Therefore, coats and booties are acceptable only if the dog approves which is the same thing that applies to baths.  A few dogs enjoy baths, but most do not. This is why the humans must have the dog's paw signed permission which allows the humans to perform said procedure.   That document had better be approved by a notary also.

Here is the link for those who are interested in reading it:

http://www.greenbaypressgazette.com/article/20140125/GPG04/301250192/Dogs-need-coats-booties-during-extreme-cold?nclick_check=1



Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Doesn't Wear a Coat or Booties)

This Dog Scored Some Sunflower Seeds

I scored a bag of sunflower seeds.  I've had them in my "stash" for quite awhile now.  When Mommy goes shopping, I always go through the bags when the humans aren't looking to see what treasures have been purchased while at the store.  I found  the bag of sunflower seeds and put them in my stash of food.  This is something I do for the humans so that if I get hungry and they aren't able to feed me, I can take care of myself.  Yes, I am the perfect dog!  Anyway, you might wonder why Mommy didn't miss them.  That is because my Mommy just assumed she had not bought them.  Thank dog she didn't check the receipt or she might have gotten suspicious.  Anyway, the humans discovered I had them when I brought them out of my stash and they saw them in the foyer.  My humans rescued them, and Mommy tried one, but she said it tasted stale which is probably because my teeth left some holes in the bag.  Thus, Angel Zoom Smokey and myself got sunflower seeds as a treat.  I didn't plan to share them with Angel, but sometimes you have to bite the bullet even if you would prefer to bite the food.  I want to tell all the dogs out there that, getting your own food is being thoughtful.  The humans can do other things with their time--like rub our tummies!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Gets Own Treats)

Are Humans Without Makeup Ugly?

According to the Wall Street Journal. Americans spent 33.3 billion dollars on cosmetics and beauty products in the year 2010.  I found this amount astounding, and it makes a dog really think.  Just how ugly are the humans without makeup?  When a human has to spend that much money, they must be hideous without the makeup.  We dogs don't tend to wear any makeup whatsoever, and we are all cute.  Even the dog who brings home the "ugliest dog" title is so ugly, the dog is cute.  I know it sounds impossible, but look it up in the dog physics book--it is an absolute fact!  Do the humans have any idea how many dog treats and toys they could buy with that kind of money?  It just seems to be a total waste of money to spend so much on makeup.  I think all dogs should encourage their humans to take the money they would spend on makeup and buy something for the family dog instead.  Spending money on dog treats is money well spent.  In case you think I'm making up that amount of money, here is the link to the article:  http://www.marketwatch.com/story/10-things-the-beauty-industry-wont-tell-you-1303249279432

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Against Wasting Money on Makeup)

Movie Revoew: The Wolf of Wall Street

In my official title as doggy movie critic, today I will give a review of the movie, The Wolf of Wall Street.  This movie is supposed to be based on the true story of Jordon Belford, who spent 3 years in jail for his 1990's security scam.  Bedford is played by Leonardo DeCaprio who as a mutant turtle pulled off  playing a human quite well.  Okay, I'm only messing with you.  Leonardo the turtle is a totally different dude. 

This movie was a bit disappointing since there was not one wolf in the entire movie which means that the studio is guilty of false advertising.  It was a good movie over all, but when a dog expects to see a wolf in the movie, and only sees humans, a dog can't help but feel disappointed.  I thought I'd be watching a movie about a stock broker wolf, and that it would open the door for us dogs to have a job like that.  Of course, after watching  Jordon Belford I can tell you that he was the kind of human that no dog aspires to be like.  He spent most of his life drinking, doing drugs, and cheating other humans.  I understand that if a dog has more money, he lives better and has more dingo bones, and I do love dingo bones.  However, I like to know that other dogs can have bones too, and I can't eat every bone in the world.   I think humans like him are very sad, and their lives are wasted.  It reminds me of the adage of a very wise dog who once said,  "what good is it for a dog to gain every bone in the world, but lose his teeth".  I think greed is like that.  The greedier humans miss out on many wonderful things in the world that do not involve money--like smelling another dog's butt, rescuing a great piece of garbage, or digging the perfect hole.  Enough of my doggy philosophy, and back to being a movie critic-I give this movie 4 paws up, some doggy kisses, and it was basically a tail wagging good movie.  On the human movie scale, I give it an 8 1/2 when 1 is bad and 10 is great.  This movie is rated R and does have some nudity and drug scenes so don't go to see it if those things would bother you.

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Critic)

Dogs Will Stop Birdcopolypse

I am so sorry that I have been unable to write a blog for the past few days.   Mommy called AT&T to have a faster internet service installed, and they installed it the next day which would have been nice if they had gotten the u-verse modem to us in time.  This means that the internet was out for several days, and I'm afraid it might happen again because the new modem has not yet arrived, and they might have to shut it down again when it comes.  Why am I boring you with all this information?  Because they can fool the humans, but they can't fool a dog particularly not me, Demon Flash Bandit.  I know that birds have taken over at AT&T.  The birds will go to any length to try to silence my barks because they know that I am onto them, and I'm warning the world that they are up to no good.  They are trying to steal a dog's snow, and then take over the planet.  Even cats don't like birds.  I don't mind cats, but they aren't nearly as smart as us dogs, and the birds can't even fool them.  However, the humans are a different story.  It is hard to believe that the humans are even dumber than cats, but they are.  Fortunately, there are some humans that are smart enough to have dogs and that do listen to their dogs.  This means that I have hope for the future of the world.  I would hate to see a world with birds in charge.  I call that scenario a birdcopolyspe.  As long as us dogs are around, we will make sure that never happens!

Demon Flash Bandit (Birds Take Over AT&T)

Diets are for the Birds--They Deserve Them!!!!

I had to go to the dog doctor yesterday  because my paw has been bothering me.  I got a shot of steroids which seems kind of silly to me.   I don't see how shooting me with a needle from a stereo is going to help particularly when vinyl records have been replaced by the more modern cd.  Another interesting thing I have noticed is that all dog doctors must have served in  the military because the humans call them "vets" which is what you call someone who was once in the military!  I always try to make sure that my blog is not only entertaining, but also educational.  I call it the 2 Es.  The visit would have been okay if the stupid doctor did not prescribe a special diet for me.  I'm not overweight or anything.  The diet consists of boiled eggs, rice, sardines, and chicken fat.  I refuse to eat eggs and rice, and sardines sounds like seafood of which I am not particularly fond.  My humans know that I will go on a hunger strike if they try to serve me food I don't like.  Compared to me, Gandhi was a big eater when he was on his hunger strike!  I'm sure I will triumph because I am one super stubborn dog!!!

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing "Vets")

Humans Throw Treasures in Gar1bage

I was unable to write yesterday thanks to the "bird conspiracy", but since I have already written about their vast conspiracy to silence this dog's barking, I will move onto another subject today.  What will that subject be, you are probably asking yourself.  Today's subject is, why do the humans always throw the most interesting things in the house away?  Do the humans realize how hard it is for  the "family dog" to sit back and watch the humans put treasures such as used Kleenex and chicken bones in the trash!  The humans even throw food away that many dogs would love to sink their teeth into.  How does a dog stop this silliness?   The dogs need to keep an ever vigilant eye on the garbage, and rescue anything interesting.  It is what I do in my spare time.  A dog's work is never done!

Demon Flash Bandit (Good Garbage)

Smellovision Television Would be Awesome!

If you ask this dog's opinion, the humans spend far too much time inventing things that are stupid because we dogs could care less about them.  Today's example is the 3D television.  I don't see the point of having one.  You have to wear stupid looking glasses (which this dog categorically refuses to wear).  When you put on the glasses, it gives the picture depth.  I'll admit that I did put on the glasses once and watched it in 3D once as research for this blog.  (See all the sacrifices a dog makes in order to write a good blog?)  I did get a little scared when a scene came up where it looked like water was coming at me.  Normally, I a big, strong he-man type dog, but most dogs are terrified of water which reminds us of bath time.  Few dogs are fond of baths!

I do think that the humans could make televisions more interesting if they skipped the 3D and invented a television that would let you smell things. I've never met a dog who didn't enjoy sniffing things.  I think that a dog being able to walk up the screen and sniff an actor's butt is the ultimate in entertainment.  It would also show how good they really are at acting.  A human's butt will never fool a dog.  We know a lot about them with just one sniff!

Demon Flash Bandit (Wants Smellovision)

Dinobirds are Evil

This is a super serious blog today.  I have been unable to access my page to write a new blog for almost a week which is why you have not been able to read my words of wisdom.  I'm sorry because I know how much my readers need their "Demon Flash Bandit blog" fix everyday.  I'm sure some of the humans might just think that the Internet  gives trouble  sometimes.  However, this is not the case.  As you know, I am one of the few voices on the Internet barking about the evil birds who are planning a major takeover of planet Earth.  So far, few humans believe me, but I know that the birds are the reason for my not being able to publish my blog.  They want to silence my barking.  As you can see, it did not work.  I'm back and I'm barking and howling loudly so everyone can hear and know that birds cannot be trusted and they are evil! 

Mommy was watching the 4th season of Ancient Aliens. and there was a whole segment about dinosaurs.  Many dinosaurists (dinosaur experts) think that some dinosaurs were covered with feathers.  Being covered with feathers would essentially make them giant birds.  They once ruled the planet,  but now, thanks to evolution, they have become small, feathered creatures who can only dream about their former glory.  They are trying to take over the world, and we dogs know what they are up to so they hate us and want to silence us.  Rest assured, this dog will not stop warning the humans and other animals about the evil birds.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dinobirds are Evil)

Dogs Love Peanut Butter!

Have you ever noticed that when the humans fight with each other, there is usually no logical reason for the fight?  At least not a reason that a dog would consider logical.  Occasionally the humans will surprise a dog by doing something that does make sense to a dog, and a fight over  peanut butter and jelly sandwiches would make sense to a dog..  What could be better than the delicious taste of peanut butter?  Okay, maybe there are plenty of other foods that are equally tasty, but  peanut butter is definitely good tasting food.  Two human  brothers in Iowa got into a fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  One thought the other was eating too many, and that caused him to pull out his knife.  The knife was not to slice the sandwich in half, but to slice his brother.  I can understand this kind of altercation between the humans.  Angel Zoom Smokey and myself could get into a fight over something so important.  We dogs know what to fight over and what to ignore!  Here is the link to the story:
http://news.msn.com/crime-justice/iowa-man-arrested-after-fight-over-pbandj-sandwiches

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves to Eat Peanut Butter)

No Shoes for This Dog!

Is it any wonder that a dog like myself refuses to allow the humans to put shoes or "booties" on my paws? Besides the fact that a dog looks silly in them (yes, cute, but still silly--and we look cute bare pawed too). One of the most logical reason why many of us dogs refuse to wear booties is because you never know about the humans. IF they aren't spending too much on some pair of shoes like Prada, they are getting more and more ridiculous in their shoe choices. The humans in recent years have started wearing a reptile on each foot. Crocs are very popular shoes, and you know it won't be long until the humans will be buying doggy crocs for their dogs. This whole trend started with alligator shoes. One of the more clever of the humans decided that, if the humans were willing to pay top dollar for a shoe made from an alligator, that crocodile shoes would also be big sellers. I don't care what the humans say, this dog will not be wearing crocs. I don't like reptiles who could bite my paws! Demon Flash Bandit (Not a Fan of Reptiles)

Demon Flash Bandit Doll

Is the world ready for a fat Barbie? Judging from the buzz on the Internet, this is a subject of great importance. No, I don't know why it is so important, but then again, I'm a dog, and not one of the silly humans. My guess is that "fat" Barbie's dogs prefer her to skinny Barbie who is always out driving around in her expensive sports car with Ken or hanging out in her "dream house". By the way, have you ever seen a dream house marketed that has dog's squeaky toys on the floor or a few dead birds on the walls? Of course, you will never see that. Yet dead birds hanging out in a house makes a dog feel like a dog. Anyway, I bet fat Barbie stays at home more and gives a dog attention and treats, and as any dog can tell you, that is the important thing for the humans to do. I personally don't see the big deal about Barbie being fat. In case you haven't noticed, the humans come in different sizes and colors just like us dogs. Does it make a Chihuahua any less of a dog because he isn't as big as a Great Dane. Of course not! Size has a lot to do with genetics, lifestyle, and even some physical problems. Perhaps if the humans learned to look at other humans from the same perspective as us dogs do, they would be better people. A human cannot go wrong being the kind of person his or her dog thinks they are. Do I think it matters if Mattel produces a fat Barbie? No, I don't think it is a big deal. I think the humans put way too much emphasis on the impact of Barbie on a girls self esteem. If they want to make life fun for children, they should produce a Demon Flash Bandit doll. That would be a smart move for Mattel. I would buy several for myself. Demon Flash Bandit (Fat Barbie is Okay)