Does the Pope Wear a Funny Hat?

I think the humans have a brain.  Do they ever use said brain.?  Why do I ask?  Tonight my humom asked me if I wanted a treat.  I couldn't believe she even had to ask so I (sarcastically)  barked, "does the pope wear a funny hat?".  By the way, yes, the pope does wear a funny hat.   I'm guessing that is because he is a human and they are always wearing silly looking things.  Just the other day, Mommy said that she was shopping at Meijer and they had temporary dog fur dye and claw polish for dogs on clearance.  Thankfully, she left them sitting there because Angel and I have no plans to have a "day of beauty" which we would refer to as a "nightmare come to life".  I know the humans do silly things.  I've seen some of the humans with blue or purple hair.  Do they think the other humans are saying, "I wonder if that color is natural?  I'm not saying it matters.  If I were human, I'd probably be trying to look better too.  The humans have such a problem with looks--not much fur, trying to walk on their back paws, little semi-useless noses, and teeth that can't chew through a bone or stick.  I'd be upset if I were human, and I'd probably suggest buying me that fur dye and claw polish.  In addition to the humans lack of good looks, they lack the brains of us dogs too.  I can't say I'm not happy about that.  This dog has no intention of walking around picking up the humans' poop.  That is disgusting and sounds like a human job to me.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Does Not Pick Up Human Poop)

Movie Review: The Eagle

Mommy bought a movie that is an insult to this dog.  The movie is called The Eagle.  I have no idea why Hollywood would make a movie starring a stupid bird or why my human would buy such a stupid movie.  Since I am being semi-forced to watch it, I will give a review of it in my blog.  My humans like it, but they are often wrong about such things.  The story takes place in Britain during the ancient Roman period and it is about some centurions who lose their eagle which is an eagle statue\ which they called a "standard".  I call it a shame to have a bird representing a group  On the good side,.  I guess even the Romans knew that carrying a real bird around would just get their uniforms dirty.  They are trying to get the eagle back which is a total waste of time.  I have to admit that I slept through most of this movie because it is about a bird, and I have better things to do than watch a movie about birds--namely napping.  I give this movie 4 paws down, and my tail is not wagging while I watch this movie about one of the most evil scourges on planet Earth, BIRDS!!!!!  What is next?  The Squirrel?  The Raccoon?  The Opossum?  If you ask me, when Hollywood has to start making bird movies and remakes of movies they made last year, I think that they have run out of ideas which is why there should be a dog in charge at the studios.  I would rather watch a movie with a dog sleeping for 2 hours than to watch a "bird" movie.  I hope the humans aren't fooled into liking birds because of this poor excuse for a movie.

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Critic)

I Don't Like False Advertising

I have a bone to pick with the state of Michigan.  Okay, forget picking the bone with the state.  I'll take the entire bone myself, but I definitely have a valid complaint with the state.  This dog  bought a lottery ticket that is called Cash for Life.  It is one of those instant tickets that a dog can scratch so I scratched it with my lucky paw (actually, all my paws are lucky paws so I can use any of them).  Afterward,  I told my humans to go and claim my cash for life.  According to my humans, the ticket is a loser which makes no sense because it clearly says "cash for life".  If there is no cash for life then this dog has been a victim of a deceptive advertising.  Since this lottery is from the state, then Michigan is the guilty culprit.  Getting a dog to buy a ticket to get cash for life and then having the dog find out that there is a chance that he won't get that cash is just wrong---WRONG!!!!! I plan to hire a lawyer and sue the state to get my cash. Don't tell the state, but I might be willing to settle out of court for a good bone.  Bones are better than cash anyway since I would buy bones with any money I won anyway.  However, the lottery needs to end if everyone doesn't win.  Who wants to buy a ticket and pay good money for it to los?  I'm sure even the humans aren't that stupid.  I bet they don't know they could lose or they would not buy the tickets.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Deceived by Lottery)

Catering For Kisses!

My brother, Jeff who lives here with me ordered Amazon Prime.  This is largely because he is always ordering on Amazon, and he gets free shipping on most of his orders.  He also gets a bunch of television shows and movies free or at a small cost.  By the way, I am a nice dog to allow my brother to continue living at home, but he is a lot more fun than Angel Zoom Smokey.  Jeff seldom steals my treats, and I tell him what to do and he does it-unlike the other dog who lives here.  (I'm not mentioning names, but her initials are AZS.).  Anyway, Mommy and Jeff are very pleased with the service, and I got to admit that you would not expect such high technology from a company based in the Amazon Rain Forest. It muse be difficult for their employees to even get to work!  Yet they come through with such amazing ideas that a dog has to give them the 4 paw salute.  Mommy doesn't even have to use the computer to watch the stuff.  The stuff is "streamed" from the computer to the big screen tvs without the house even getting wet!  I think that is a special talent because most of the streams I know about are filled with water.

Now to get to the subject of my blog today which is the television show, Catering Wars,  This show only has 3 episodes, but the first one was interesting.  How did they capture my interest?  Because in the first episode, a lady hired the caterers to throw a "Bark Mitzvah" for her dog.  One of the caterers actually said "rich people ain't got no sense" in response to throwing a party for the dog. I did get offended by that statement.  Why not throw a party for a dog?  We dogs are a lot nicer than most of the humans, and we often love out families more than  the human's relatives do.  However, despite what one of the caterers said, they did a good job throwing the party for the dog;  and fortunately for the humans, we dogs are very forgiving partly because we know the humans are stupid so they say dumb things a lot!  The rest of the shows dealt with human parties and were basically uninteresting.  However, as I said,  the first episode is good.  All a dog has to do is fast forward through the human parties because, as usual, they are uninteresting.  In fact, I don't understand why more humans aren't operating catering and party planning businesses for dogs.  We like to eat and socialize even more so than the humans!  We also shower humans with lots of kisses when they are good to us, and what human doesn't want to be drenched in dog drool?

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Wants a Catered Party)

Furless Human Passed up Star Wars Promo Figures!

My humans are watching a show called Pawn Stars which is ridiculous because I have yet to see a dog on the program.  Who wants to watch a bunch of stupid humans buying and selling stuff that a dog could care less about?  Besides, in one episode, the furless human passed up a couple of promo life sized Star Wars characters (Darth Maul and Jar Jar Binks).  He was only willing to pay $200. each for them, and the human who owned them would not sell them that cheap which  shows he was a lot smarter than the furless human at the pawn shop.  Yet, in the same episode, Mr. Furless bought a dr.s buggy, and paid $800 for it.  Sure, it is an antique, but to think that a dr.s buggy would sell better than something from Star Wars--even the 3 latest bad movies is ridiculous.  This is why I called up the studio and suggested a better program--Dog Stars.  A couple of dogs sleeping through the program would be more interesting than the humans on the show my humans were watching.  Mommy said she would have bought the Star Wars promos from the man.  I guess Mommy has more sense than the furless guy.  Mommy also realizes something that we dogs know already...most humans will buy movie memorabilia from a popular movie faster than they buy a presidential autograph.  Most of the humans aren't  "intellectuals".  I suspect some of them don't even know what the word "intelligence" even means.  They can't help it though--they are humans---not dogs.  I like to think that I have educated my humans with dog sense and that is why they are smarter about such things.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With Good Taste)

I Like to Wear Camouiflage

Many humans get upset with their dogs because the dogs dig and sometimes come in from outside situations dirty and mud covered.  As usual, this is yet another misunderstanding between dogs (the more intelligent species) and humans.  A dog digs for a purpose.  There are many reasons for digging.  I will list a few of them on my blog.
1. Digging a hole so the humans may plant something new to enhance the landscaping.
2. Digging for ancient bones--who do you think started the idea of archaeology?
3. Checking the ground for bugs which both humans and dogs hate.
4. Relaxation...digging is very relaxing for a dog
5. Keeping claws trimmed naturally so that the humans
    saves money on  grooming or having the dogtor do it.
 6. Digging for buried treasure.  What if there is unfound pirate treasure in the back yard that would help the humans live a better life?
   

As you can see, there are many reasons for a dog to dig, and the humans never seem to appreciate the reasons--probably because the humans are too stupid to understand unless a dog takes the time to explain it to them in a blog.  Digging brings on yet another problem between dogs and humans and that is when a dog gets dirty or has mud all over them.  This is a matter of camouflage for a dog.  A dog can't change the colors of its fur like a chameleon so the dog has to make do with covering him or herself with dirt.  Mud does work particularly well, but dirt will do in a pinch if the ground is dry.  Why the need for camouflage?  If you have ever seen an Indiana Jones movie, you will know that there is a lot of competition in the field of archaeology.  It also does wonders for the skin.  Even some of the humans pay good money to get a mud bath which their dog is getting out in the yard free of charge.  Camouflage is also important when a dog is digging for treasure because you don't want the neighbor's dogs sneaking over to dig it up for the human neighbors. The dog next door won't see a dog digging if he is covered in mud!   However, the most compelling reason  is that a dog can sneak up on an evil bird better in camouflage. I am always glad when I'm covered in mud when I have to go after one of those evil birds.  If the birds were cooperative and would fly over and let a dog eat them, it would be a nicer world, but they are birds and  evil is never cooperative.

Demon Flash Bandit (Camouflage--Not Mud)

I Don't Scan--YOU Scan!

I have decided to dedicate today's blog to a human peeve (the more intelligent cousin to pet peeve) which has been annoying this dog for quite some time now.  When I go into a store to buy some treats or a new rawhide bone, I expect the store to have a cashier to take my money.  I am not a paid employee of the store nor do I wish to be.  Being employed would be a serious conflict of interest with my main purposes in life which are blogging and napping (not necessarily in that order). Therefore, I do not care for this new idea many of the stores are now implementing called 'u-scan" or "you--scan".  This is a new system wherein the customer gets to be a momentary employee so that the store can hire fewer humans.  (I don't care what they say--it is to hire fewer humans.)  Does the customer get a discount for doing the work himself?  No, he does not.  The customer just gets the thrill of doing more work himself while the company counts more profits.  This dog is getting tired of the lack of service with many large companies now, and it is not necessary to add insult to injury at the checkout line expecting a dog to do his own cashiering.  Fortunately, the stores still have a few actual human cashiers so I go to them even if I have to wait in line a little longer.  This dog has standards and I do not work to let the big companies make more money from my efforts.. If this trend continues, I can just start ordering my stuff from the Internet.  At least with the Internet, if I "check" out myself, I don't have to bother to go to the store to do so, and the item is delivered to my door.  How is that for convenience?

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Does Not "U-Scan)