I Don't Scan--YOU Scan!

I have decided to dedicate today's blog to a human peeve (the more intelligent cousin to pet peeve) which has been annoying this dog for quite some time now.  When I go into a store to buy some treats or a new rawhide bone, I expect the store to have a cashier to take my money.  I am not a paid employee of the store nor do I wish to be.  Being employed would be a serious conflict of interest with my main purposes in life which are blogging and napping (not necessarily in that order). Therefore, I do not care for this new idea many of the stores are now implementing called 'u-scan" or "you--scan".  This is a new system wherein the customer gets to be a momentary employee so that the store can hire fewer humans.  (I don't care what they say--it is to hire fewer humans.)  Does the customer get a discount for doing the work himself?  No, he does not.  The customer just gets the thrill of doing more work himself while the company counts more profits.  This dog is getting tired of the lack of service with many large companies now, and it is not necessary to add insult to injury at the checkout line expecting a dog to do his own cashiering.  Fortunately, the stores still have a few actual human cashiers so I go to them even if I have to wait in line a little longer.  This dog has standards and I do not work to let the big companies make more money from my efforts.. If this trend continues, I can just start ordering my stuff from the Internet.  At least with the Internet, if I "check" out myself, I don't have to bother to go to the store to do so, and the item is delivered to my door.  How is that for convenience?

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Does Not "U-Scan)

Celebrity Dog Rehab

After my blog yesterday about the humans and my dogtor trying to get me addicted to drugs--particularly an antibiotic, keflex,  I decided to do some further research to see if this is common among the humans.  I must sadly report that it is.  In fact, it is so common that there are more than one website dedicated to selling drugs for dogs.  Why would the humans want their dogs to be drug addicts?  I have no idea why.  Of course, I also have no idea why the humans choose to be drug addicts.  Some of them will even put drugs into their veins with needles.  How stupid is that?  When the dogtor comes to me with a needle, I am not pleased.  In fact, my owners have suggested a muzzle over me so that I don't bite the dogtor.  It is only fair---if he want's to stick something sharp in me, I think I should be able to stick my sharp teeth into him.  Anywho,  my humans are about as far from the drug addict types as you can get so my theory is that they are trying to get me addicted so I can go to rehab.  You know how all the tabloids are with the celebrity rehab news.  The humans just can't seem to get enough of that type of reading.  Imagine if celebrity blogger, Demon Flash Bandit has to go to rehab.  The tabloids would go bananas with that piece of news.  They would sell millions and I bet my humans are going to get a cut of it.  If so, they had better plan to buy lots and lots of dingo bones because this dog does not work cheap.

Demon Flash Bandit (Celebrity Rehab Possibility)

Don't Do Drugs!!!

How many times have you heard the phrase, "don't do drugs".  I don't think I need to point out all the problems that drugs have caused in our society.  Therefore, when I hear these messages, I take them seriously.  Of course, I have checked into this with  doggy scientists because you know the humans don't even have the sense to come in out of the rain so you can't believe everything they tell you.  My humans do not "do drugs" themselves so who would expect them to ignore the advice of every anti-drug commercial ever made?.  I hate to have to report my humans, but they have been trying to make me take drugs--specifically 500 mg of keflex, and not just 1, but 2 at a time.  They claim the dogtor said I need them, but I think it is just a ploy to fill me full of drugs and make me eat dog food..  This means that a dog has to be super vigiilent in dealins with the humans.  Last night my humans avtually let me have a bite of a Milky Way bar, but I suspected it was tainted with medicine because the medicine smells like lawn art, and the Milky Way I had last night smelled of lawn art too.  The next time I hear one of those anti drug commercials, I plant to turn up the volume so that the humans will hear it.  Maybe it will get through their thick skulls to quit trying to turn a dog into a drug addict.

Demon Flash Bandit (Don't Do Drugs)

Angel Zoom Smokey Deserves an Apology!!!!!

I want to thank Angel Zoom Smokey for the guest blog she wrote for me yesterday with the assistance of my brother, Jeff.  She wrote it while Mommy was in the hospital, but Jeff did not get it uploaded until yesterday--the humans just don't seem to understand schedules, do they?  On the other paw, at least my readers got to enjoy an extra blog.  Angel is the subject of my blog entry today. I know that I have been known to "occasionally" criticize some of her behavior.  However, sometimes she does something so thoughtful, that I can only show my admiration for her kindness.  In this case, she was being extra nice to my Mommy so it made me happy to see her take such good care of the Mommy.  Mommy went to take a shower and wash her hair.  As all us dogs know, a bath is a traumatic experience for a dog.  Just when you are at your best, the human grabs you, often after a chase, and makes you take a bath.  The saddest thing about the humans taking baths is that they think they are supposed to take them so they torture themselves.  In both our opinions, Mommy did not need to take a bath.  We both thought she had that perfect Mommy smell that we both love so much.  Of course, she did not ask our opinion so she continued with her bath plans.  However, Angel Zoom Smokey had an idea of her own.  While Mommy was in the shower, she peed all over Mommy's bed--sheets, covers, even Mommy's pillow.  Mommy walked into the room and sat down and said, "what stinks?":  Then I heard, "Angel Zoom Smokey--you are a bad dog!"  I would have thought that Mommy would have thanked her and rolled around in the bed to get that nice urine smell of Angel's which I enjoyed smelling.  It was better than the flower shampoo and Dove soap smell Mommy got from the shower.  Mommy actually took another shower!!!  Can you believe the ingratitude of the humans?  In this situation, I think Angel deserves an apology....bad dog my paw....she was a good dog!!!

Demon Flash Bandit (Sticking Up for Angel Zoom Smokey)

GUEST BLOG: HAIR STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS

   Hello to all the Banditnites out there! (NOTE: Banditnites is now the OFFICAL name for all you Demon Flash Bandit fans out there). My name is Angel Zoom Smokey and I am writing a guest blog today. For any of you out there who don’t know who I am, I am Demon’s adorable little stepsister. I’m sure he says nothing but the nicest things about me on here. I can’t be bothered to read his blog since reading really isn’t my thing. I’m much more of a TV and movie dog. I know what you are all thinking, all that TV watching has indeed sharpened the old brain noggin…thing…and stuff.   I have become something of a movie and TV trivia Einstein as a result. I am of course referring to the dog Einstein from the hit “Back to the Future” trilogy and NOT that old human Albert Einstein who graces so many college posters with his tongue sticking out. Human ladies, we get it, you think he’s a dreamboat. I guess Albert Einstein is a bit like James Dean in that respect. Handsomeness is timeless, so look out Justin Bieber.
   On the subject of Albert Einstein, what was with that dude’s hair? The man was a genius, surely he must have known how goofy he looked. It even makes me wonder how smart he truly was. Seriously think about it for a second, a man that supposedly smart went into a hair cutting place or stylist, got done, looked into a mirror, and just walked out without demanding they make him look less like a Batman villain. It’s not just Albert Einstein either, many scholars have seemingly followed his lead and seem perfectly happy looking like a crazy person. Granted, it does work for some people. I am a huge fan of the show “Ancient Aliens” and I have to admit that Giorgio A. Tsoukalos totally rocks the crazy hair. His secret? ALIENS! Seriously though, these men are very intelligent, they should know that getting your hair cut in the same place as Bozo and Milky the clowns probably wasn’t their brightest ideas.  It should be noted that while I make fun of Albert Einstein’s personal stylist, Guillermo Alfonso Nardio Javier Zhang Antonio Talladega-Del Toro (nicknamed Bubba), went on to be the personal stylist to many celebrities who wanted their hair to scream genius. His clients have included Don King, Nicki Minaj, Russell Brand, and Carrot Top. Clearly, their look did not scream genius, if anything, their looks screamed HELP!
   Moving onto Justin Bieber really quickly since we talked about him earlier, did you see that Orlando Bloom tried to punch that little twerp? Now, if you couldn’t tell, I’m Team Bloom. Honestly though, I’m Team Anyone Willing To Punch Justin Bieber In the Face. I don’t condone violence, I firmly believe it to be the root of all evil and I am very anti-violence. I am the type of dog who wants nothing but peace for all of God’s creatures. That being said, if someone decks Justin Bieber in the face, I will be the first dog cheering as Justin Bieber cries in the corner. The only upsetting thing about the whole Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber story was that Orlando Bloom missed punching his face. I can’t exactly blame him, who wants to touch his face anyway? Plus, Bloom showed what a class act he actually is by restraining himself from punching a little girl. All you dogs at home do yourself a favor and watch the movie “Kingdom of Heaven” in support of Orlando Bloom. I’m just assuming that “Kingdom of Heaven” is a sequel to “All Dogs Go to Heaven” so extra points to Orlando Blooming Onion for starring in a dog movie!  Well...I am going to mush into the movie room now and watch it!  Have a barking good time everyone!

-ANGEL ZOOM SMOKEY

Garage is Now Doggy Park Cave

My Mommy has been having more and more problems getting around because her back paws aren't working too good anymore.  I told her to put down her front paws and use them too, but evidently, the humans can't grasp the concept that 4 paws are better than 2.  One of the biggest problems is that the first step onto our porch is about 1 foot high.  I can do that step with my paws closed, but Mommy has real problems getting her knee to move that far up so she bought a small step to put in front which has changed the 1 step into 2 smaller steps.  It is working at least for the time being, but I devised a better plan which only can be devised by those of us of the dog persuasion.  I have decided to dig up the yard and move it to the driveway.  and also fill in the small area (about 1 foot) between the step and the driveway.  Then the two would be no different in size, and Mommy would have NO step to worry about conquering.  The garage would then be useless for cars because it would be too far down from the driveway, but I think garages are silly anyway.  Why does a car need shelter?  The humans  can then clean all their useless garbage from their garages and turn the garages into something that every dog needs---his own personal doggy park cave.  I'm looking forward to the humans doing that for me.  Sometimes when a dog goes the extra mile to help the humans, the dog gets rewarded!

Demon Flash Bandit (Soon to Be Owner of a Doggy Park Cave)

Bacon is for Dogs---Not Cars

What is the problem with the humans ability to think things out in a logical fashion?  I saw a headline item in one of the news forums that said the humans were going to make a vehicle that runs on bacon.  I did not bother to read the article because I decided it was stupid.  In the first place, the humans have had a vehicle that runs on bacon for years--it is called a sled dog team, and I can't imagine anyone interviewing a sled dog who does not enjoy bacon.  However, to run a machine on bacon is just a waste.  I don't think I need to mention that bacon is even more expensive than gas, and so many of us like it--dogs, humans, even cats.  It seems wasteful to me to feed bacon to a machine that isn't even able to enjoy its delicious flavor.  I think it would also create a lot of traffic issues with all the dogs following said vehicle because of the bacon emissions.  I wouldn't be surprised to see a few humans running along after the car in solidarity with the dogs!  Bacon is far too good to be served to a car, and I suggest the humans quit coming up with such stupid ideas.  Keep it the way it always has been:  bacon is only fuel for sled dogs!  It is a delicious meal for the rest of us dogs.

Demon Flash Bandit (Bacon is for Dogs)