Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Human Gophers

Humans have a large array of ways to  earn a living.  Some can be referred to as jobs because the only way people are willing to do them is for money.  Some of the more interesting jobs are called careers. The "jobs" that no one wants to do are usually the ones that are harder and pay the least.  As a dog, this situation makes no sense  to me.  Dogs think more logically than humans.
One entry level position for humans is that of a gopher.  This person runs errands for the people in charge.  The animal kingdom also has a gopher.  He is the errand fur guy of the forest.    Life would run a lot smoother if dogs were in charge, and gophers ran all the errands.

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Gophers)

Sunday, December 27, 2015

My Blog Won't Write Itself

When I got up  today,  I suspected that mom might not feel like writing my blog today.  She has been neglecting my blog more than usual so this time I took action.  I know she has been sick, but if you listen to every flimsy excuse, a dog would never be able to accomplish anything.   Before she could give me a lame excuse, I had to remind her that the blog isn't going to type itself.  When dealing with humans, sometimes
 a dog has to be harsh.

Thursday is New Years Eve, and I'm planning my usual big party for dogs.
  I am expecting at least 5,000 dogs to attend. The sky will be lit up by noiseless fireworks. (Noiseless ones were invented by dogs for dogs.)
  I have ordered  one truckload of bacon and a truck load of all the other meats we like.  We'll have milkbone appetizers and special bones  with frosting (for dogs).

I've got a lot to do to prepare for my party so I have to go. Very like my blog, the party won't  plan itself. You can get guzzied up, dress casually, or just wear your fur, don't miss it.  My New Year's Eve party is the event of the year!

Demon Flash Bandit (Busy Dog)

Saturday, December 26, 2015

I Love Santa Paws

I hope my readers had a wonderful Christmas!  I had a great Christmas.  It was a little weird this year because the tree was set up in mom's bedroom..  Mom said my bothers put it in her room so she could enjoy seeing it.  I prefer it in the living room, but I also love to see Mom happy.  Santa Paws was good to my family.

Angel Zoom Smokey said she had  asked for a prepaid credit card with millions of dollars loaded on it.  I told her that.Santa can't always bring everything on your list.  She is convinced  Santa Paws is a cjeapskate.  I have to.sign off  this blog.  I've got to play with my new reindeer dog puzzle.  As usual, I'm happy with Santa.  I want to wish everyone a happy New year!

Demon Flash Bandit (Happy Dog)

Thursday, December 24, 2015

A Visit from Santa Paws

Twas the day before Christmas and I am mad.
The humans are treating this dog very bad.
I've been very helpful I watered the tree
The humans don't always appreciate me.

The stockings were hung with the greatest of care
In hopes that Santa Paws gives me my share.

Dogs were supposed to be sleeping in bed.
I had visions of Dog treats dancing in my head.
While mom in her hospital bed was taking a nap.
We know Santa can find us-we sent him a map.

Out on the lawn I heard so much noise,
I ran to the window with my usual poise.
I looked out the window to check out the scene.
My job as a guard dog is to bark and sound mean.

I was delighted to see a blanket of snow
As the piles of snow continued to grow.
I started to do some very loud barking
When I saw a sleigh on my roof  parking

The sleigh carrying Santa Paws was a welcome sight.
This dog is sure to have presents tonight.
Forget the chimney-I opened the door for him
Obviously, he wastes no time at the gym.

We barked and sniffed each other's tails.
He said he got my list in the mail.
He  left all the treats and toys I requested.
That is why I think Santa Paws is the bed rest.

He moved fast for a chubby old man.
He ate his cookies and I gave him a ham.
It was my gift to Mrs. Paws and him.
I watched him fly off until the vision was dim.

Let this be a lesson: be careful who you bite.
It might be Santa Paws wishing you a good night.

Demon Flash Bandit.(Dog who Knows Santa)

Monday, December 21, 2015

Angel Zoom Smokey's Letter to Santa Paws

Yesterday Demon shared his letter to Santa Paws.  He kindly offered me the opportunity to share my letter with my list for Mr. Paws.  I appreciate Demon's request.  Remember, Demon likes to write funny stuff so if he claims I locked him in a closet and took over the computer, he is just trying to be funny.  Without further ado. here is my letter.

Dear S. Paws,

You have the rare privilege of receiving a letter from me, the most excellent Angel Zoom Smoky
Possibly I am wasting my time writing you because in past years, you have not brought me what  I requested.  I can only surmise that you are a cheapskate.  When I sent the first two letters asking for several million dollars in cash, I just assumed you were busy because you did not bring the things I asked for
Still, I did not get the gifts and cash I requested again  last year  I am going to.make it even easier for you and the elves this year.  Load 50 million dollars into a prepaid charge card.  I love to shop and that amount should see me through until my birthday which is in March.

I hope you don't continue to disappoint me again.  Just so you will see the impact your lack of generosity, here is the letter and reply that I wrote to the editor of Dog Fancy magazine.

Dear Editor Fido,
I am a very sweet Siberian husky.  I should be at the top of Santa Paw's nice list, but every year he does not come through with my gifts.  A cat told me that Santa doesn't exist
  I know I can trust an editor of a dog magazine so, is there a Santa Paws?
Sincerely,   Angel Zoom Smokey

Dear Angel,
The cat who told you there is no Santa Paws was wrong.  This is why a dog can never believe.a cat.  Cats are compulsive liars.  I'm o sure Santa left you everything you requested which were stolen by that no good cat.  By the way, birds are untrustworthy also. As long as a dog needs a bone, there is a Santa Paws!  Sincerely, Fido.

I have to go now.  I hear Demon crying in the closet-and he thinks he is a he-man dog.

Angel Zoom Smokey (Guest Blogger)

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Letter to.Santa Paws

Since it less than a week until Christmas, I decided to share my letter to Santa Paws.

Dear Mr. Santa Paws,
This is Demon Flash Bandit , and I am sending you the first of my letters to you each and every year.  Some dogs just send you their gift list.  However, as you know, I also send you a thank you card after Christmas. If the human puppies followed their dogs advice,  the naughty list would be a lot shorter.

I don't think I need to tell you how excited I was to see my humans carrying in a tree. Since Mommy bought a new tree last year, I thought maybe this tree was my own personal tree.  Alas, the tree she bought last year is in the garage surrounded by stuff.  She said my brothers would never have it up before Christmas.  Obviously she knows my brothers well.  They think like dogs.

Instead of sending you an individual list of the things I want, I am registered at  Amazon and at all major store chains except Wal-Mart.
I have been to  I feared I might run into one of those humans which might cause me to choke to death laughing

I will as always leave you cookies.  I will.leave you a choice of beverages because milk is disgusting.  I know you like Coca Cola because you are in many of their ads   Since it is humom's favorite, we never run out.  Thank you in advance for all the wonderful gifts.  I will still send a thank you letter, but you deserve so much thanks for all the wonderful things you have done in the past.  Give my best wishes to Mrs.  Paws and the furelves.

Demon.Flash Bandit ( Writing to Santa)

Monday, December 14, 2015

I'm a Tough Dog

Warning:  this blog contains subject matter that might be upsetting to some dog breeds (particularly terriers and dachshunds).  In the past, I have written about killing mice.  Many dogs have been bred by humans to chase mice.  The cats who helped raise me as a wee puppy did not have any use for mice except as a snack.

  I am only telling my side of the incident because my human thought I was being sweet.  I'm sure she would tell my readers even if she had to write a blog entry for me

I was.out in my yard.yesterday minding my own business and watering the trees when I found a mouse.  The mouse had a damaged front paw so mom brought him into the house in a little cage. When he was well, she was going to put him back into the wild.    I wish I could say that he got better,  but the little guy crossed the rainbow bridge last night
I hope this blog doesn't ruin my reputation as a tough dog!

Demon Flash Bandit (Tough Dog)

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Vote Demon.Flash Bandit!

The humans are deciding who for president in the next election.  I have already announced my plan to run.  It is high time a dog was put in charge.  However, despite the humans not being presidential material,  some of them are still planning to run.  The media has not properly covered the cadidates' pets.  Do they own dogs? Cats?  Birds?  Are we in danger of having a bird run the country?  These are the important questions.  Of course, the smart humans will be voting for yours truly , Demon Flash Bandit!

Demon Flash Bandit (Presidential Candidate)

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Barking From my Window

I have been unable write my blog for a few days.  I have been on guard duty at my house.  My home has been attacked several times by birds.  If it weren't for Angel Zoom Smokey and myself, the humans would have no defense from the little feathered varmints.  Seriously, it was like a scene from that old Hitchcock horror movie, The Birds.  I never meant to put my humans in danger when I started warning everyone about the bird's plan for taking over the planet.  I suspect that many birds who would have flown  south for the winter stayed here to takes part in the attack.  I could not take the easy way and not warn other species of their plans even if it makes me a target of hate crimes.  As long as I continue to win the world's handsomest husky contest (presented by me every year), I will be keeping tabs on those evil birds

Demon Flash Bandit (Spying on Birds)

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Movie Review: Fried Green Tomatoes

I hate to criticize a movie, but Fried Green Tomatoes was a disappointment.  This sequel did not follow the first movie at all.   I was wondering how the tomatoes would act before ripening.  I could envision the human army waiting to attack with  a giant salad fork.  Perhaps some scientist would invent some poison salad dressing or  invent some super aphids to fight the tomato plants.
For my readers who have not seen the original, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and/or Fried Green Tomatoes, the sequel is a waste of money.  Personally, I think that Fried Green Tomatoes should have been a prequel since tomatoes are green before they ripen into red or yellow tomatoes.  The movie could have explained what went wrong that caused ordinary tomatoes go on a killing spree.  Instead of using the opportunity to delve into the tomato situation, they had an old lady narrating a story about living in a small town when she was young.  The green tomatoes never attacked anyone.  In fact, the train caused more suffering than the tomatoes did.  Perhaps it is because the humans cooked the tomatoes before they could become rotten. However, it left the viewers like myself disappointed.  When a dog expects to see an action movie and is greeted by old women gossiping, I have to give the movie a bad rating.  I refuse to see another cooking movie unless they remake it and it is called "Cooking Bacon".
  I love bacon.

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Critic)


Sunday, December 6, 2015

Happy .Hanukkah

In keeping with my humans idea that the family dog gets gifts on every gift giving occasion, this dog  is converting to Judaism.  Happy Hanukkah to all the humans and dogs celebrating the holiday.  I haven't really spent much time studying theology, but I am going to assume that the celebration is in honor of Han Solo escaping the carbonite in which Jabba had him encased
 The best thing about Hanukkah is that it lasts for more than one day.  According to the song, 12 Days of Christmas, at one time, Christmas had gifts for more days.  I would be upset about
missing 11 gifts, but I am assuming that it was cut back because no one wants a bird for Christmas!  I know I don't.

Before you mention giving up bacon and ham; dogs do not have to eat kosher  Why go you think the humans were told not to eat pork?  God loves dogs, and he knows how much we love bacon.  It is great that we don't have to share it with the all the humans.

Hanukkah comes before Christmas so, once I get my Hanukkah gifts, I can convert back to Christianity in time for Christmas.  I need to check out other religions for gift giving occasions. Angel and I may have missed many gift giving religious holidays. Keep in mind that Jehovah's Witness followers don't believe in giving gifts so don't get fooled when they come to your door.  They don't even celebrate their dogs birthdays.  I've got to go now because I need to pick out gifts I'll like.  For my readers who have gifts to buy, Amazon has cool Han in carbonite necklaces for the Star Wars fan on your list

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Getting Gifts)

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Mom's Wolfdayi

I am writing a bit later than usual.  That is because December 2 was my humon's Wolfday. She has had a lot of wolfdays in her life so  it is my job to make  this one memorable.  As you know, we dogs are largely responsible for the happiness of our humans, and I am excellent at my job!  Besides, Mommy is not hard to please.  A big kiss, saying I love you in human and wagging my lovely tail melts her heart.  When humans don't have a dog, visiting canines slip prozac into their human food and hope they will eventually get a dog to watch out for them.

The day started out great.  Angel and I got gifts. Mom got us toys and a new antler to chew on.  I am glad mom does not want us to feel left out of gift giving occasions.  She thinks very logically for a human.  Actually, I think the humans enjoy giving us stuff.  I suspect the humans love us as much as we love them.  In fact, Angel gave mom her squeaky frog toy which was a big sacrifice on her part.  The humans reading this might think she is being sweet.  Personally I think she has an ulterior motive.  It is easy to fool the humans, but dogs are too smart to be fooled.

Boni, who mom met through dogster sent gourmet candy.  I'm sure that it was meant for me, but humom isn't sharing.  It was put of my reach.  However, when the humans  are sleeping, I plan to get the ladder from the garage, and I plan to eat all that delicious candy.  Mom had a chocolate birthday cake with ""bumps" of vanilla frosting covered with chocolate.  They aren't sharing it either.  At least dinner was good.  Mom got hamburgers from  Georges Coney Island and She ordered us our own dinner.  I love bacon cheeseburgers!  I think most dogs do.

Demon Flash Bandit (Celebrating mom's Wolfday