Saturday, May 30, 2015

Australia is Forgiven for Depp Dog Incident

I have reconsidered, and I have forgiven Australia for being ready to kill Johnny Depp's dogs so I have lifted my ban on travel there.  I will probably never make it there because humom can't do much travelling now.  I am very loyal to my humom.  I can't leave her behind while I travel.  If you ask my opinion (and who doesn't), the humans would be a lot happier if they behaved more like dogs.  Dogs Should be above the silly anti dog laws.  I think the government's should quit picking on dogs and pay closer attention to the humans they let in.  Some humans are evil.  I assume they have been trained by birds.  I won't even approach the subject of birds going through customs.  Why would a human ever allow a bird into a country when I hate them?  This brings me to today's subject which is pets.  Clearly some humans have no clue as to what constitutes  a pet.  A pet is a companion who will listen sympathetically while the human strokes the pet.  This includes many species of which I will list a few:  Dogs, cats rabbits, kangaroos, guinea pigs, and even elephants but elephants do need a big  yard unless you live in a  town that has an elephant park where they can run and play.
 Spiders and snakes are not meant to be pets.  They aren't cuddly and cute.  There are pythons slithering around Florida nowadays because some misguided humans
got themselves an exotic pet and then let it go when they got tired of it.  This is unacceptable behavior.  If you read the Bible, you will discover that God cursed snakes and told the humans never to get one as a pet.  This is because the snake talked Eve into eating from the tree of knowledge.  Once Adam and Eve realized that they were naked, they put fig leaves on themselves to hide their nakedness which made the snake extra nasty because he didn't tell them to go  to the shopping mall.  Fig leaves were out of style even back then.  God was mad at the snake and he said to the humans:  "Thou shalt not like snakes.  In the future, instead of walking on snake legs, snakes will crawl on the bellies.  Humans should kill every snake they see with whatever fire power which is necessary  to accomplish the goal.  The best pet you can get is a dog.  Also. You should never eat bacon or ham.  Bacon is exclusively for dogs."  Be sure your human reads this blog so they will start giving you all the bacon.

I do have one last thing to say about Capt. Jack Sparrow.  If Australia had,women running it instead of men, this incident would have never happened.  Even Angel Zoom Smokey thinks he is "dreamy".  I have to admit that I have used my own cuteness to get out of potential problems so I understand!  Other males get very jealous of me.  Have you seen the old men running govts.? Many of them were hit by the ugly stick so you know they are jealous.

Demon Flash Bandit (Capt. Demon Flash Bandit)


Thursday, May 28, 2015

I"m Running for President

Next year is the U.S. presidential election so the humans are all crawling out from under their perspective rocks to run for the office.  I will again be putting my paw into the running.  Why should I get the votes?  The most important reason is because I am a dog, and my breed was bred to run.  I already have the dog vote, but the humans are more difficult because humans have delusions of grandeur, and think they are better than dogs-like that is possible!  My brother is designing a bumper sticker for my campaign.  I'm sure that sticker will have a lot of influence because it is very cool

Demon Flash Bandit  (Presidential Candidate)

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Depp's Dogs Should be Welcomed

I know the United States has some stupid people running the country.  However, although I have many dog pals in Australia (Charlie Down Under is one of them), I am having to make this announcement that I will never go to Australia to meet Charlie
  This is sad for my humans because they always considered Australia to be a nice place to go if the leaders of the U.S. got too stupid to tolerate.  Of course, that would probably never happen because Mommy's ancestors came here in the 1600's, and a small percentage of them were already here so this is her "old country".  Why is this dog mad at Australia?  A couple of days ago, I wrote a blog about Jonny Depp's dpgs.  He brought 2 Yorkshire territors with him on his private plane.  The bureaucrats in Australia wanted to kill the dog's because they were "illegal aliens". First of all, they are not from outer space so calling them aliens is insulting.  I don't think rich celebrities should be above the law.  However, the punishment should fit the crime.  A 10 year.prison sentence and a $263,000 fine is excessive punishment for bringing 2 cute dogs like Pistol and Boo into the country.   They should have been welcomed with open paws!  Considering how much money is brought into a country when a film is made there, I think Australia could lose a lot of money if studios decide not to film there in the future.  Besides, there is a series of shots that will keep a human from contracting rabies, and I think it is safe to assume that Depp's dogs have had their shots.  Therefore, it will come as no surprise to my readers that I won't be filming my new movie, Captain Demon Flash Bandit:  Pirate Dog  Down Under.  Yes, I have cancelled the shooting there, and it has been rescheduled at a different location.  Here is the link to the news article:

Demon Flash Bandit (Sticking Up fOr Fellow Dogs)

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

War Between KFC versus Chick-Fil-A

I hope all of my United States readers had a nice holiday weekend.  We had a quiet weekend here.

I read in the news that KFC is going to war with Chick-Fil-A.  I don't think finding chickens who will be willing to dress in uniforms will be easy.  Also, finding guns that chickens can use might prove difficult.  Guns are not designed for wings.  I've heard KFC  has a contrAct with Foghorn Leghorn who will probably expect the dog on the cartoon to do the brain work.  Angel Zoom Smokey is hoping they have a price war because she loves to eat chicken although Humom gives her roasted or grilled, she likes it fried too.  I am worried about putting guns in the wings of a member of the bird family!  Birds cannot be trusted!

Demon Flash Bandit ( Don't give guns to Chickens)

Sunday, May 24, 2015

I Love Fortine Cookies

Recently I had a fortune cookie that said, "If a dog wants to make new friends, he doesn't growl.  That fortune cookie may not have predicted the future, but it is sound advice!  It is never a good idea to growl when you meet a dog or a human.  It is a sign of aggression, and that is not  indicative of future friendship.  That being said, I think it is amazing that the testaurant knew the cookie would be eaten by a dog.  I thonk that proves that fortune cookies are spot on.  In fact, most fortune cookies are eaten by humans.  However, my humans know how much I love them so they give theirs to me.  Yes, I have well trained humans.  It was a lot of work for me during my puppyhood, but it was worth the effort!  Since humom knows how much I love them--sweet and crunchy--she ordered a huge box of 350 cookies on Amazon.  Angel Zoom Smokey and myself are very excited!  We think we could finish off the box in less than half an hour.  Mom is giving us 5 at a time so we won't get sick.  We are willing to take that risk if we can get our paws on them.  The interesting thing about the cookies she ordered is that they are from Houston, Texas; and the fortunes are inspired by the Bible,  so they are "Christian fortune cookies".  I am wondering where I can buy dog oriented ones.  I think "Dogfucios" says would be a big hit with dogs.  However, I would like the cookies if they didn't have a fortune.  They are delicious.  

Demon Flash Bandit ( Cookie Monster Dog)

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Movie Review: Mortdecai New movie from Johnny Depp

Mortecia is a movie starring Johnny Depp which Mommy bought on blu-Ray.  Mortecia  (Depp) is an art dealer who lives a very ritzy lifestyle despite being broke.  He manages to do so by being a con artist.  His wife is played by Gyneth Paltrow, who also did an excellent portrayal in this movie.  I think the funniest parts of the movie were that of Morticai's "man servant", who was taking unbelievable risks for Morticia.  In turn, Morticia acts like he is the heroic one of the two.  It is a funny movie, and definitely worth watching.  I give it 4 paws up, a tail wag, a tummy rub, and a box of Milk bones!

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Critic)

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Humans are in Deep Depp Trouble, Mate With Me-as Usual

What is the world coming to?  This question has been barked by dogs all over the world  who are not happy with government bureaucracy.  The incident in question is the Australian govt. picking on Johnny Depp's dogs.  Pistol and Boo, Depp's Yotkshire Terriors were going to be euthanized.  They entered the country without the proper documentation and dogs must be quaranteened for a specific amount of time.  Yes dogs, they are put in doggy jail just because they are dogs.  Why don't humans get quaranteened when they enter the country?  As the recent outbreak of ebola here in the United States proves, humans carry diseases that are far worse than rabies.  I would assume that Pistol and Boo had their rabies shots.  Considering the private plane to bring them home cost $400,000,  I think Depp could afford to keep up their shots.  Although it is good to know that the U.S.  isn't the only country that does things of which I don' t approve; the dogs did not deserve such treatment.  I do normally approve of not giving special treatment to celebrities,  However,  Depp is Capt Jack Sparrow.  You cannot expect a pirate to check in with customs.
He would be the laughingstock of all the other pirates.  I'm glad the dogs are safe in L.A.

Demon Flash Bandit ( Annoyed Dog)

Monday, May 18, 2015

Just Say NO to Vegetables !!!!!!

Target hss announced that they will be selling less packaged food and more "fresh foods and vegetables"

.  I barked an interview with  Bullseye, Target's mascot dog, and he is angry.  The humans made that decision without checking with him.  Bullseye is a bull terrier, and we might not agree on our opinion of snow; when it comes to food, we agree completely.  Bullseye said he might have to take over the business before Target faces bankruptcy. I personally have no use for vegetables.  Fruit is okay, but I prefer crunchy fruit that isn't fresh-  Some of the humans may prefer yogurt and granola, but this dog would rather eat the packaged cereal.  Have you trid rice crispy treats?  I have and it is delicious.  What is next?   If bacon gets banned, what will us dogs eat?  I must go and stock upon bacon before it is banned.  If you get to the store before me, save me some bacon.

Demon Flash Bandit (Humans Should Never be in Charge)

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Guard Duty

I didn't write a blog yesterday because I have been on guard duty.  Why am I on guard duty, you are asking?  I'm on guard duty because a bird has built a nest in the flower pot by the front door!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The bird did not ask for my permission and is not paying me any rent.  That nasty bird doesn't even drop a worm for me to examine.  The bird has 4 baby birds in the nest-like the world wants more of those evil, mooching varmints.  Besides, any worms in my yard are mine.  They are not---I repeat----not bird food!  To make matters worse, that bird attacked my human brother, Jeff, yesterday.  That was the last straw for me.   I've been on guard duty ever since.  It would be so easy to take out those baby birds now, but humom refuses to evict them..I have decided to be nice to them and give them a tour of the grounds.  I plan to start with the barbeque grill
  I am such a clever dog!!!!!

Demon Flash Bandit ( Guard Dog)

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Movie Review: God's Not Dead

I haven't done a movie review in awhile so I'm reviewing one I watched on Netflex titled God's Not Dead.  This movie has a cameo appearance by Will and Corey Robertson of Duck Dynasty.  The movie is about a philosophy professor, an atheist, who makes all his students write God is dead during their first class.  One student refuses to do so even though he will fail the class if he refuses to write it.Because he refuses, the professor would allow him to pass the course if he can prove God's existence.    It seems to me that the whole idea of the movie is stupid.  If you write God is dead, then that statement should prove God's existence.  You had to exist in order to die.   I think that student should switch colleges-and do so as soon as possible.  What do I believe?  I know there is a God, and he sent me here to watch out for my humans.  In fact, God made dogs to take care of the humans.  Do I recommend the movie?  No, I don' was a melodramatic movie, and I would suggest you watch a cinematic masterpiece like Snow Dogs instead

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Critic)

Monday, May 11, 2015

Brilliant Plan!

My humom bought a birdhouse that looks like a lighthouse.  At first, I'll admit I was upset until I realized that there is a method to her madness.  My regular readers know how much I hate birds.  I should have known that living with a smart dog like myself would make my humans smarter than those without dogs.  After we had a nice bark session, she assured me that  my many barkuments  about birds have not fallen on deaf ears even if mom's hearing isn't great!  I have to admit that the plan is brilliant.  She is going to buy a bird feeder, and fill it with gourmet bird seed with tranquilizers added.  Then all the birds will tell their friends and they will tell their friends.  Once millions of birds have congregated in my yard, it is a simple matter for a dog to get out his gun and shoot them.  I am so glad I have well trained humans!

Demon Flash Bandit ( Bird Hater)

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Mooey's Story

This could be started by saying, "once upon a time",  but this is not a fairy tale.    I don't want to confuse the humans.  Heaven knows they are confused enough already. This actually happened.   Many centuries ago when my mom was young, she lived in a state called Georgia in a little hamlet called Ringgold.  I'm using the word, hamlet, because this dog loves ham and  its tasty counnterpart, bacon!

Mom attended high school there in the early 70's.  There was another student at the school when mom went there.  .  I'll call her "Mooey" to protect her actual identity.  Mooey was a very serious student who enjoyed attending school.  However, Mooey was a victim of discrimination.  Yes, we dogs aren't the only animals who face discrimination everyday.  Mooey was the victim of cow discrimination.

Every year, when the weather started getting hot, the teachers propped open the doors and opened all the windows to let air circulate.  The school did not have air conditioning.  This is when Mooey would use that opportunity to come to  class.  I do understand why the humans didn't want Mooey to attend.  They know that all the children would be copying Mooey's test paper.  How long would the teachers keep their jobs when the standardized tests show that Mooey did better without attending class everyday.  The humans do not want to admit that cows are smarter than them.  The school would look silly if the class valdictorian turned out to be a cow?  This is why so many intelligent cows end up in hamburgers and roast beef sandwiches.  No wonder the world is in such lousy shape.  It has humans making decisions they aren't smart enough to make!

I say let cows go to school!

Demon Flash Bandit ( Barking the Truth About Humans)

Friday, May 8, 2015

Campfire Stories

There was a time in the distant past when our ancestors were not allowed to live indoors.  Dogs used to hang out around the campfire  and bark among themselves about how nice it would be to live inside with the humans.  It sounds odd now, but that was a LONG time ago--at least a couple of decades ago back when dinosaurs still roamed the Earth!   That was before my ancestor, Demon Lord of the Huskies, saved the humans from the Horrible bird troll.  Even back then my family risked their life to protect the humans from evil birds.

Demon Flash Bandit ( Discussing Evil Birds)

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

I Love My Human!

I am sure all my pals have missed hearing from me.  I am equally frustrated because I have so many things about which to bark.  All of this is because my human fell down on her job--literally.  She fell on Friday night. She was not injured, but the fall made her too sore to "move".  Yeah, I realize she could be "faking" it, but  my human loves me too much to fake it.  At first, Angel and I were excited to have Mommy on the floor.  We thought she came down to play with us.  However, after about 5 minutes of Mom looking like a "beached whale" trying to get back into the water, I realized that she had fallen. I immediately brought her a whole box of milk bones to make her feel better.  She told me they did help her feel, better..She also told me that I'm a good dog--but I know that already!

Demon Flash Bandit (Concerned Dog)

Friday, May 1, 2015

Alligators Love water

You would think even the humans would possess some elementary knowledge of the care and feeding of animals.  Case in point:  I have a plush alligator squeaky toy and even though there are no gators in Michigan, I know rhey live in water so I put my gator in my water dish. .  I am a responsible toy owner

Demon Flash Bandit (Caring Dog)