Friday, August 30, 2013

Tooth and Fur Taxes

The United States Internal Revenue Service announced today that, in the future, all money from the Tooth Fairy must be reported as income.  Taxes must be paid by the person receiving the money from the tooth.  For years, children have been bringing in all kinds of money from their teeth.  In fact, it is speculated that there would be no national deficit if the government had been able to get those taxes in the past!

Here is the tooth fairy link for those who want to read more about it:

This has nothing to do with dogs since we dogs don't have a tooth fairy who brings us cash in exchange for teeth.  However, I think a fur fairy would be super cool because Angel Zoom Smokey and myself shed a lot of fur!.

Demon Flash Bandit (Why Not a Fur Fairy for Dogs)

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Science Can Be Interesting!

Why are so many American children lagging behind the rest of the world in the subject of science?  I can tell you the reason because, being a dog, I not only understand the reason, but I am going to share it in order to make life a better place for everyone.  Science is boring.  For example, look at the periodic table,  It is made up a "chemical elements"-not one of which holds any interest for a dog.  They are thinking of adding another one---ununpentium.  Ununpentium does not exist, but it sounds like something you would put in a computer.  To heighten the humans (and dogs) interest in science, I would suggest you make a few changes to the curriculum, and start with the periodic table.  Here is my suggestion for the new periodic table:

Bacon, cheese, hamburger, steak, salmon, ribs, ham, roast beef, fish, Swedish Fish, etc. 

I guarantee you that a periodic table with food on it would grab a dog's interest.  I have yet to meet a dog who cares anything about the  periodic table the humans are using now!

Demon Flash Bandit (Science Dog)

Monday, August 26, 2013

Metric System Replaced By Demon Flash Bandit Dog System!

There is an item on msn news today-a clip about why the United States should use the metric system for weights and measurements like the rest of the world.  They asked for comments so this dog is going to give my opinion.  Keep in mind, that the clip has a human standing up for the metric system; and my opinion will be that of a dog so that alone makes my opinion more important.  Here is the link so you will know what I'm commenting on:

The video points out that France under Napoleon came up with the metric system.  We don't like Napoleon, and for those of you who have seen the movie, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, you will understand that he was a jerk in the movie.  He was also a "short, dead dude" so why would we care about anything he endorsed.?
The best thing about the United States is that we have freedom to do whatever we want.  This is hard for people in some countries to understand, but it is something that all Americans hold very dear to our hearts.  If the government could tell us how to measure things, the next thing you know they will be telling us that you can't carry your gun with you everywhere or that you can't wear white shoes after Labor Day (sorry, I guess the white shoes part is already a rule).  I think the non metric system makes a lot more sense anyway.   When you measure a "foot', you know  the average size of a person's foot so it makes sense.  Just how long is the average meter?  I thought meters were contraptions that are used to measure electric and gas usage and cab fares.  Look at the temperature.  F makes combines fairness with height to let you know how the weather will be for the day.  What is a Celsius?  Who knows.  It sounds like a disease that a dog wouldn't want to catch! 

For those of you who think both systems lack creativity, I have a new system that could be adopted by countries the world over.  I have named it the Demon Flash Bandit Dog System.  It starts with my paw as the  main measurement.  Just think how much cuter it would sound if a guy walked into a restaurant and ordered a paw full of water, and a paw plate of food.  Wouldn't that sound adorable? 

Anyway, I am tired of politicians and scientists thinking that their opinion matters.  I can't think of  a dog who has asked either group what they think, and dogs are important.  In fact, they are more important because they are DOGS!!!!  American humans have the right to live in the past, and continue doing things the way they have been done since the turn of the century.  I say, keep the system we have. 

Demon Flash Bandit (Against the Metric System)

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner

There is a phrase that you will occasionally hear that goes, "winner, winner, chicken dinner".  This refers to the old days in Las Vegas, Nevada when a chicken dinner consisting of 3 pieces of chicken, potatoes and a vegetable cost $1.79.  Since the average bet back then was $2.00, if you won, you would have enough money to buy a chicken dinner.  Angel Zoom Smokey, who happens to LOVE chicken, said that Las Vegas must have been a wonderful place to visit back then because she would buy a chicken dinner if she won anyway.  In fact, dogs think that the humans are silly about the whole "money" concept.  You can't eat it or play with it so who needs it?  Yet so many of the humans are obsessed with it.  Angel Zoom Smokey has a point.  Winning a chicken dinner does make more sense!  Bring on the chicken, and put some bacon on top.  Chicken and bacon:  always a winning combination.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Could Eat a Chicken Dinner)

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Special Cereals in Honor of Halloween

Good news for monster cereal lovers:  General Mills is bringing back Fruity Yummy Monster cereal (which has been off the market since 1992), and Frute Brute (last sold in 1982).  These two cereals will join Frankenberry, Boo Berry, and Count Chocula on the store shelves in honor of Halloween.  In this dog's opinion, Halloween is a great holiday, and would be even better if dogs were allowed to take part in "trick or treating".   Now a child or dog (let's not forget us dogs) can start the day with cereal filled with sugar, and end the day with candy containing sugar!  I think Utopia has come down to Earth, and it is covered in sugar!  I can't wait to try the new cereals so I hope Mommy will buy them for us!  Did they make a Monster Bacon cereal because I think bacon covered in sugar would be delicious?

Demon Flash Bandit (Prefers Sweet Foods)

Friday, August 23, 2013

Bacon Fest!

Tragic news out of Ohio.  The recent first Bacon Fest ran out of bacon.  Dogs everywhere were appalled that the humans in charge did not order enough bacon.  If they have a second bacon fest, I would advise putting a dog in charge of the bacon ordering.  A dog would order enough so that they would never run out.  What is the worst thing that could happen?  There would be enough bacon to eat on the following day.  I know one of my personal mottoes is:  "A dog can never have too much bacon".  It is a shame that the humans running the Bacon Fest didn't have that same motto!  Here is the link for those who want to read more about the Bacon Fest:

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Bacon)

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Sunny Obama: New White House Dog!

I know I sleep better at night knowing that Bo Obama is running the country.  Let's face it, running a country is way more than a human can handle.  Today I learned that there is a new dog in the White House helping Bo, and that dog is named Sunny.  There is only one problem with Sunny, who incidentally, came from Michigan which happens to be where I'm from also, and that is that his breeders might actually be Republicans.  I don't see what difference this makes because the breeders are human, and we dogs pay no attention to the humans and their opinions anyway.  These are the same group who, for the most part, feed their dogs kibble, and no dog has ever suggested that he or she be fed kibble instead of human food!  I'm glad the burden of running the country is not just in Bo Obama's capable paws, but that there is another 4 paws that he can depend on to help him with the tough decisions.  Here is the link for those who want to read more about Sunny Obama.

Demon Flash Bandit (Spreading Good News)

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Nabisco Guilty of Cheating Customers out of Cookie Cream!

Stop the presses!!!! I've always wanted to write that line.  It gives a dog the feeling of empowerment!  What is so serious that the presses have to be stopped and the whole subject of this blog is being changed because of a news item of major importance?  The  item in the news is about Nabisco, who has marketed their Oreos as "double stuff" which makes them  guilty of false advertising.  A teacher in New York, who specializes in teaching math, and who I strongly suspect is a dog, has calculated the amount of cream in the Oreo cookies, and the cookies only have 1.86 percent of the cream versus the normal non-double stuff Oreo.  What does this mean to the average dog?  It means that we are being cheated out of .14% of the cream that we are supposed to be getting!  This makes me mad and it makes Angel Zoom Smokey even madder because Angel is very fond of double stuff Oreo vanilla cookies.  Whenever, the humans bring them out, Angel starts begging for the human cookies.  She says they are even more delicious that milkbones, and after trying them myself, I do agree with her conclusion.  I am planning on discussing this matter with a lawyer to see about suing Nabisco for cheating us dogs out of our cream.  If you are also outraged by this information, get in touch with me at  Do I smell a potential class action lawsuit.  Yes, I think I do!  Here is the link to the story:

Demon Flash Bandit (Consumer "Watchdog")

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Movie Review: Smurfs 2

I went to see Smurfs 2, and the movie was the smurfiest movie I've seen in a very long time.  Okay, it was the smurfiest movie since Smurfs 1 was released!  The movie starts with Smurfette ready to celebrate her birthday (the Smurfs were planning a surprise party for her), and she was depressed because she thought they had forgotten her birthday.  I'm guessing she was also upset about getting a year older--you know how the females are about birthdays!  Meanwhile, Gargamel had created some potential new Smurfs, but he couldn't quite make them Smurfs until he got the special formula from Smurfette that Papa Smurf has used to turn her into a Smurf.  This movie introduced 2 new characters called the "Naughties", and their names are Vexy and Hackus.  Papa Smurf leads a small group of Smurfs into the "real world", and depends on the help of their human friends to get Smurfette back from Gargamel.  I can't tell you how it turns out, but let's just say that it is smurfenturous, and smurftastic!   I must add that Azrael, the cat, was hilarious in the movie. 

I give it 4 "blue" paws up, some tail wags, some "blue" kisses, and a tummy rub which is a 10 out of 10 on  the human movie scale.   Go and see this movie.  You'll be smurfed that you smurfed it!

Demon Flash Bandit ( Honorary Smurf Because of my Blue Eyes)

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Plant Bacon--Not Tomatoes!

This is most dreadful time of year for a dog because it is when the "tomatoes" start to ripen. Most of the time, they ripen without incident, but for the humans who made the mistake of planting the "killer" variety, it is one of the scariest times of the year. Despite the 3 documentary films which Hollywood has put out on the subject, the humans have still not learned to make sure that they aren't planting the kind that "attack". Now the problem has gotten worse thanks to a new variety of tomatoes that attack, and they are also zombie tomatoes. The last thing I want is to be attacked by a tomato who becomes a zombie that decides to start chasing you! I don't know why the humans even bother to plant tomatoes anyway when I would be planting something tastier like bacon. In fact, listen to my advice, and next year, plant bacon...don't even bother with planting anything other than bacon. You can thank me next year when you are enjoying some delicious bacon from your garden! Demon Flash Bandit

Friday, August 16, 2013

Demon Flash Bandit: "Undercover" McDonalds Manager!!!!

I haven't written a blog for several days because I was busy being an "undercover" McDonalds manager at the local McDonalds so that I could fire the incompetent worker or workers who burned my bacon at my last visit there. As you can imagine, it was hard to get put in charge of a local McDonalds because, when they saw this dog's resume, they wanted to hire me for the corporate offices so I could run the company. You know how it is when a dog tries to hire in...the humans try to grab that talent and put it directly at the top! Anyway, I got the job running the local McDonalds because I held out until I got the job I wanted. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that working at a fast food restaurant like McDonalds is not the dream job that we dogs think it would be. I can't tell you have many times I've heard little puppies saying that they want to grow up and work at a fast food restaurant where they can eat all the bacon they want. Sure, it sounds good to a puppy, but the actual jobs are not fun at all!!!! Even that high "minimum wage" pay does not make the job worth a dog's trouble. I must admit that I did not fire any of the workers because, for the most part, they were very nice humans, and I would not want to do their job everyday which is why I quit. I decided that napping at home was much more enjoyable than working at McDonalds. I've enjoyed my burgers so much more since I quit working. For dogs who are thinking about getting a job, leave the jobs for the humans. We dogs have better things to do with our lives! Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Job)

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Do Not Burn a Dog's Bacon--If You Want to Keep Your Job"

Today is a sad blog for me to write. As it turns out, I am going to have to go the McDonalds restaurant which is located on East Grand River Avenue in Howell, MI and apply for a job as a manager. I know that my readers are all thinking, "no, Demon, you shouldn't have to work at a fast food place when you should be staying at home napping or at the very least running the company. The problem with running the company is that I have to get a job at the local level because the unthinkable happened yesterday! I got my usual 2 quarter pounders with bacon and they BURNED the bacon. Yes, the best part of the hamburger and those incompetent employees managed to mess up the order. This is why I have to take a management job at the local level so I can fire the incompetent employees who burned my bacon. This was not only an insult to my taste buds, but why would fast food take longer to burn my bacon when serving it unburned would be "faster"? I know some of you might be thinking, "Demon, you could give the workers a break since they are humans, and a dog can't expect much from humans. However, I think it is wrong to hold the humans to a lower standard just because they aren't dogs. In my opinion, this is why there are so many mistakes made by the humans. We dogs are letting them get by with inferior work ethics just because of their humanity. I will admit that all of this could be avoided if Mommy had just complained, but she refused to complain because the burgers were for a dog.....doesn't that make them getting the order correct even more important? Hopefully, I'll still have time for my blog while I'm working at the "burger mines". I think it will only take me a day or two to take care of the burned bacon situation so that I can quit and get back to relaxing. Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Does Not Enjoy Burned Bacon)

Friday, August 9, 2013

Royal Family-Reptilian Aliens or Not?

I discovered a new "conspiracy" theory today, and I want to share it with my readers. According to this theory, the British monarchy is not human. They are reptilian space aliens. I am going to share a link with a website that says that Diana told one of her confidantes that the royal family was not human--they were reptilian aliens. By the way, it does make the plot of Men in Black 1 a lot more believable-and I bet many of my readers did not think that bugs from space were possible. However, if the royal family is made up of space reptiles, I don't see any reason why "bugs in space" would be hard to believe. I did ask the royal Corgis, but they don't care one way or the other. They said that dogs are running the country, and they don't have time to be bothered with checking out the royal family since they aren't that important anyway. I will let you decide for yourself. Do you think they are reptilian aliens or do you think that they are just humans who have not updated their gene pool in a long time. Here is the link: Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing British Royal Family)

Monday, August 5, 2013

How Much Wood Does a Wood Chuck Chuck????

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck is a woodchuck could chuck wood? Yes, this is the type of stupid thing that the humans wonder about because humans are idiots. If you really want to know the answer, the best way to get it is to ask a woodchuck if he chucks wood; and if so, how much can he chuck? Since we have woodchucks that hang around in our back yard, I went out and asked them so this is the definitive answer because it is direct from the woodchuck's mouth. The woodchuck, whose name coincidentally is Chuck, had no idea what I was asking. He had no idea what chucking wood entails, and does wood even have a tail? I don't think it does, but I'm no expert on wood. Chuck does not chuck wood because he is busy digging holes and doing woodchuck activities like shopping and going to the theater. Woodchucks have a long tradition of attending plays and movies, and have quite a reputation as actors. I'm sure many of my readers are familiar with the television show, Chuck, which starred an all woodchuck cast. There are also the woodchucks who own franchises for the Chuck E. Cheese's restaurants. Why do you think it is called "Chuck" E. Cheese? Anyway, with all those things that the woodchucks have going on in their lives, they don't have time for chucking wood so the inevitable answer to that age-old question, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood is: woodchucks don't chuck wood. They are busy doing other things. Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Woodchucks)

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Another Genius Idea from the Mind of Demon Flash Bandit

Since the United States post office has been having financial problems, this dog is happy to learn that I have solved those problems for them. According to news on the Internet, the post office takes photos of every piece of mail that goes through their processing centers. You can't imagine the pleasure I received when I realized that, the only reason they are taking photos of every piece of mail is because this dog does both send and receive mail. I'm sure some highly intelligent human at the post office (or perhaps the humans got some sense and appointed a dog as postmaster general) realized that selling mail with my name on it on ebay would generate a huge profit from my fans. Who wouldn't want a letter with my name on it? I bet one would sell for billions and billions of dollars which would save the post office from their financial problems. Once again, another problem solved by Demon Flash Bandit, genius dog! Demon Flash Bandit (Another Genius Idea from my Mind)

Friday, August 2, 2013

Whose Brilliant Idea Was it to put Humans in Charge?

I know it has been devastating for my readers that I have not written a blog in a couple of days, but I got a new computer, and a dog had no idea how to turn it on. Why do all the computer humans always have to change things? Are they trying to annoy a dog? I did write one blog which ended up lost in cyberspace, and I blame the birds for that. Whether birds are at fault or not, I've found that it makes a dog feel better to blame them. I hate to report bad news, but the new royal baby, George Alexander Prince, has not shown up for any royal duties. He just lays around resting, and napping, and I suspect that he is not going to pull his weight as part of the royal family. After chatting with the Queen's Corgis, who had a lot of interesting things to bark about the new baby, they have come to the conclusion that that the royal baby is about as useless as any other human baby. A puppy would already be running around the house and feeding himself by now. How did the humans ever get put in charge of the Earth? We dogs will never know how that happened! I've got to go now and take a nap. I've been up for about half and hour so I need to rest. Demon Flash Bandit